The Honest Politician

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Over the last several days, allegations have come from my opponent in regard to an affair with a staffer for my campaign. I would like to take the opportunity to clear up any rumors and speculation on the matter and say, of course I was boffing this woman. I'm a fucking politician. You can all look horrified and tsk tsk my misdeeds, but at the end of the day you really didn't expect anything different, did you?

No every last on of you eat this shit up because it's entertaining. You'd rather focus on this than the real issues^TM wouldn't you? And that's exactly how we want you to want it. Because we don't really care about hte issues either. This line of work is the Master's Degree equivalent of being a movie star or a rock star. We say we're in it for the work, but really, we're attention whores in it for the money and the pussy. Or the dick if that's what you go for.

So instead of taking this opportunity to clarify how I differ from my opponent on issues everyone pretends to care for but really only serve as a distraction so you don't see us going for the money and the pussy, I'm going to give you all the dirt that my opponent neglected to give you, both out of ignorance and cowardice.

Not only did I have sex with one of my campaign staffers, but my wife was involved too. Sometimes she feels like a nut, sometimes she don't. I also got down with several high class DC hookers and got syphilis as a result. This also would not have been a problem for my opponent, except for the fact that I promised I would leave my wife for him, but he discovered I was cheating on him with his daughter and got her pregnant. He made her get an abortion of course, even though he runs on a pro-life, anti-gay marriage platform. If you don't believe me, here's the footage we recorded of us snorting coke off of each other's backs after we picked up while swapping male interns. Intern swapping is the new thing in political circles. Also, his daughter should get tested for syphilis.

I have no intention of stepping out of this campaign. The only reason he's running anyway is to try and get even with me. It's not going to work.  I will endeavor to make my campaign more entertaining than his with more shenanigans. Because this is what you wanted. I bring you your entertainment. If it still leaves a bad taste in your mouth, think of it not as voting me into office, but rather, voting him off of the show. That's basically how elections have run for quite some time now anyway.

[The Wizard Joseph]

An honest show concept:  America's Next Top Senator

[LMNO]

Nicely done, Twid.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Nicely done, Twid.

Thanks, I've been tossing it around in my head for about a week, wrote it down in a notebook yesterday while I was waiting for the bus.

[Jenne]

Ha!  I like this!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Ha!  I like this!

I must admit, it was inspired by Wiener, and how I kept asking myself why people think this is a scandal since every other week some politician is embroiled in some sort of sex scandal. It really shouldn't be surprising.

I also thought to myself today, how is it that Clinton escaped unscathed but Wiener had to step down? Why are we even interested in who a politician is having sex with? Rather, why is the media interested in it (since we only get interested in what the media tells us to be interested in)?

[Jenne]

I think Weiner could've toughed it out.  But in the end, he uh "weenied" out...forgive the pun.  But damn, he REALLY did.  He came from fucking QUEENS.  And he let the seniors' center septagenarians yell at him "YAAAAY! GOO'BYE, PERVERT!" and "IS IT SEVEN INCHES???"  What a dumbass.  He alienated and separated himself instead of circling his wagons.  He apologized instead of doing the Conservative Perv cold stare of "there's nothing going on, fuck off" that is so finely honed by the GOPers.

Pussy.

So yeah, he's stepping down--hopefully he'll grow a pair.  Many of his people would've stood by him.  But he caved and didn't know how to do it gracefully even.

In the end, he was mostly bluster and cockpipe.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I think Weiner could've toughed it out.  But in the end, he uh "weenied" out...forgive the pun.  But damn, he REALLY did.  He came from fucking QUEENS.  And he let the seniors' center septagenarians yell at him "YAAAAY! GOO'BYE, PERVERT!" and "IS IT SEVEN INCHES???"  What a dumbass.  He alienated and separated himself instead of circling his wagons.  He apologized instead of doing the Conservative Perv cold stare of "there's nothing going on, fuck off" that is so finely honed by the GOPers.

Pussy.

So yeah, he's stepping down--hopefully he'll grow a pair.  Many of his people would've stood by him.  But he caved and didn't know how to do it gracefully even.

In the end, he was mostly bluster and cockpipe.

He could have even tried the whole, "Why do you even care what I do in my personal life? Isn't there more important shit to be worrying about right now? I'm trying to get you people jobs and you're worried about whether or not I'm flirting with someone because of something some blogger with a track record of lying said?" Or, "My wife and I are going through some marital issues right now, and none of it is really any of your concern." Or something.

And the crocodile tears. Gah.

[Jenne]

I think Weiner could've toughed it out.  But in the end, he uh "weenied" out...forgive the pun.  But damn, he REALLY did.  He came from fucking QUEENS.  And he let the seniors' center septagenarians yell at him "YAAAAY! GOO'BYE, PERVERT!" and "IS IT SEVEN INCHES???"  What a dumbass.  He alienated and separated himself instead of circling his wagons.  He apologized instead of doing the Conservative Perv cold stare of "there's nothing going on, fuck off" that is so finely honed by the GOPers.

Pussy.

So yeah, he's stepping down--hopefully he'll grow a pair.  Many of his people would've stood by him.  But he caved and didn't know how to do it gracefully even.

In the end, he was mostly bluster and cockpipe.

He could have even tried the whole, "Why do you even care what I do in my personal life? Isn't there more important shit to be worrying about right now? I'm trying to get you people jobs and you're worried about whether or not I'm flirting with someone because of something some blogger with a track record of lying said?" Or, "My wife and I are going through some marital issues right now, and none of it is really any of your concern." Or something.

And the crocodile tears. Gah.

He shoulda been just a bit more "fuck off" and way less "waaah I suck!"

HE DIDN'T EVEN GET LAID.

All this, and he didn't stick it in anywhere--cept his hand and his wife! 

SO AMERICAN. 

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I think Weiner could've toughed it out.  But in the end, he uh "weenied" out...forgive the pun.  But damn, he REALLY did.  He came from fucking QUEENS.  And he let the seniors' center septagenarians yell at him "YAAAAY! GOO'BYE, PERVERT!" and "IS IT SEVEN INCHES???"  What a dumbass.  He alienated and separated himself instead of circling his wagons.  He apologized instead of doing the Conservative Perv cold stare of "there's nothing going on, fuck off" that is so finely honed by the GOPers.

Pussy.

So yeah, he's stepping down--hopefully he'll grow a pair.  Many of his people would've stood by him.  But he caved and didn't know how to do it gracefully even.

In the end, he was mostly bluster and cockpipe.

He could have even tried the whole, "Why do you even care what I do in my personal life? Isn't there more important shit to be worrying about right now? I'm trying to get you people jobs and you're worried about whether or not I'm flirting with someone because of something some blogger with a track record of lying said?" Or, "My wife and I are going through some marital issues right now, and none of it is really any of your concern." Or something.

And the crocodile tears. Gah.

He shoulda been just a bit more "fuck off" and way less "waaah I suck!"

HE DIDN'T EVEN GET LAID.

All this, and he didn't stick it in anywhere--cept his hand and his wife! 

SO AMERICAN. 

That's the kicker too, isn't it? Schwarzenegger got a goddamn kid out of his indiscretion. Wiener got a couple million could have been kids in an old sock for his.

[BabylonHoruv]

I think Weiner could've toughed it out.  But in the end, he uh "weenied" out...forgive the pun.  But damn, he REALLY did.  He came from fucking QUEENS.  And he let the seniors' center septagenarians yell at him "YAAAAY! GOO'BYE, PERVERT!" and "IS IT SEVEN INCHES???"  What a dumbass.  He alienated and separated himself instead of circling his wagons.  He apologized instead of doing the Conservative Perv cold stare of "there's nothing going on, fuck off" that is so finely honed by the GOPers.

Pussy.

So yeah, he's stepping down--hopefully he'll grow a pair.  Many of his people would've stood by him.  But he caved and didn't know how to do it gracefully even.

In the end, he was mostly bluster and cockpipe.

He could have even tried the whole, "Why do you even care what I do in my personal life? Isn't there more important shit to be worrying about right now? I'm trying to get you people jobs and you're worried about whether or not I'm flirting with someone because of something some blogger with a track record of lying said?" Or, "My wife and I are going through some marital issues right now, and none of it is really any of your concern." Or something.

And the crocodile tears. Gah.

This seems like the correct motorcycle to me.  Man up and serve out your term and tell the prudes to bite you (and then direct them to the pic so they know what to bite)  Sure it might cost him re-election, but that just means he can serve out the rest of his term without worrying about campaigning.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I think Weiner could've toughed it out.  But in the end, he uh "weenied" out...forgive the pun.  But damn, he REALLY did.  He came from fucking QUEENS.  And he let the seniors' center septagenarians yell at him "YAAAAY! GOO'BYE, PERVERT!" and "IS IT SEVEN INCHES???"  What a dumbass.  He alienated and separated himself instead of circling his wagons.  He apologized instead of doing the Conservative Perv cold stare of "there's nothing going on, fuck off" that is so finely honed by the GOPers.

Pussy.

So yeah, he's stepping down--hopefully he'll grow a pair.  Many of his people would've stood by him.  But he caved and didn't know how to do it gracefully even.

In the end, he was mostly bluster and cockpipe.

He could have even tried the whole, "Why do you even care what I do in my personal life? Isn't there more important shit to be worrying about right now? I'm trying to get you people jobs and you're worried about whether or not I'm flirting with someone because of something some blogger with a track record of lying said?" Or, "My wife and I are going through some marital issues right now, and none of it is really any of your concern." Or something.

And the crocodile tears. Gah.

This seems like the correct motorcycle to me.  Man up and serve out your term and tell the prudes to bite you (and then direct them to the pic so they know what to bite)  Sure it might cost him re-election, but that just means he can serve out the rest of his term without worrying about campaigning.

I'll have to go back and compare various scandals and see who stayed and who stepped down, and what the differences were there.

That said, I might think of a way to rehash this idea in a different type of thread. I might expand on this one here too.

[Cain]

"There's been a fire and explosion at Fukishima reactor #4" or "Fort Calhoun nuclear power plant may be overheating right now" would have been better.

But, uh, media.  Complaining about the media being childish, shallow and divorced from the issues is like complaining at the sun for shining.  And all of you here should know that by now.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

"There's been a fire and explosion at Fukishima reactor #4" or "Fort Calhoun nuclear power plant may be overheating right now" would have been better.

But, uh, media.  Complaining about the media being childish, shallow and divorced from the issues is like complaining at the sun for shining.  And all of you here should know that by now.

We do. I didn't think about it as complaining so much as thinking about it. It's good to remind oneself from time to time.

[The Wizard Joseph]

"There's been a fire and explosion at Fukishima reactor #4" or "Fort Calhoun nuclear power plant may be overheating right now" would have been better.

But, uh, media.  Complaining about the media being childish, shallow and divorced from the issues is like complaining at the sun for shining.  And all of you here should know that by now.

We do. I didn't think about it as complaining so much as thinking about it. It's good to remind oneself from time to time.

I think I begin to understand why the classic Evil Badass Overlord types tend to punish failure with death.  At the end of the day the difference between malice and incompetence is difficult to distinguish.  We live in a social structure that has prettymuch always been built on the idea that at least MOST people can't read minds and so a person may pass off criminality as ignorance, folly, or chance.  I'm not saying this is what's happening, but you can never know if Mr. Weiner dropped the ball or "took one for the team" and dropped his privacy(or had it done for/to him).  The end result has been a lot of pointless and banal attention grabbing by a media that I imagine has folks that know full well what plutonium poisoning does to people.  It is much easier (if you're just a killa like that) to punish treason and incompetence equally with death ancient Bushido style. But then there are people that (allegedly) operate this way now and I'm sure they know how to arrange for a media distraction, but you never do know.