Introducing myself!

[Slippils]

Hey everyone!

I'm a little confused as to which category to put this post in. This is a story, my first post on the forums, an introduction, it is therefore factual - not fictional. If I have made a mistake, it was not with ill intent in mind!

*Achem*
We didn't spend enough time together anymore, my family and I. That's why moments like these were so nice. All gathered up around the dinner table, destined to fill our stomachs with delicious baked goods, prepared to enjoy the warm presence of each other.

In a mass of land somewhere in europe, in an all o.k. nation I sigh to call my homeland, it's part of good social etiquette to not mumble a single word. You see, words are unnecessary noises when they don't convey important ideas. And I've known these cunts for all my life, I know their limitations in intellect and their capacity for novel thoughts. No need for speech, as I love them all.

So, much conversing never occured between us. But that's not the point. We can still all look at each other after making sure the other in question is not looking at us simultaneously. Proper social etiquette 201.

The warmth of your loved ones presence will grant you the emotional state of mediocre happiness and middling bliss. It's like winning the lottery, but not life changing. Like getting head from your friends hot mom, but nothing you can brag about. But there was something always there ruining it.

Contained inside a bowl blacker than death. Rarely did a photon escape its surface. "Take some of it.", "It's good for you.".

Fucking salad. Fu-cking sa-lad. Proof in front of my eyes, right there, that if there's an omnipotent being out there, it's not all-loving. I don't want that shit. It's so awful and blend and disgusting I don't think it will stay down my stomach even if I forced myself to eat it.

The government controlled departments of food and agriculture can be thanked for enforcing all their propaganda for so long it became a cultural norm. Images of "diatery guidelines", "food plate models" and "nutrition pyramids" on posters hanging on the walls of elementary schools and TV commercials deliberately shown after shows for kids to brainwash the youth into eating that carbage-cabbage (abr. carbbage).

Consider the following. The previous statement is false. I was eager to find people alike, seeing people eating carbbage daily and talking about it making you "slim" and other BS, it all made me feel excluded.

A few years back, I'm on the right.

I spent months in cabbagist groups planning and executing minor terrorist attacks on pro-cabbage civilians. Partaking in cabbagist rallies was nothing out of the ordinary for me.



After a hearty search for an anti-cabbage religion, I stumbled upon some discordian rhetoric. It became important to me. I declared myself pope, "Charmander 113th", yet "cabbages are not welcome" was the only quote from any sacred book I was willing to quote.

It was a long ride, but I couldn't escape from the fact that even cabbages are popes, in some sense. I'm happy to inform all of you beautiful bastards, I have travelled quite a long distance from my cabbagist ways.

In fact, I fell in love with one. We have been together for 5 months now. Hate is hard to get rid of, but it gets better, trust me.

[Payne]

I agree. Cabbage is fucking rank.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

That was kind of a cute story. Hi there, new guy.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I had cabbage and brats for lunch yesterday.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This one is rotten.  I can feel it, way down in my bits.  I give the story a 4/5, an excellent intro, and I'm even willing to ignore the fact that there's an intro thread (because of the attached story).  But he's a bad one.  You can tell by the way he types.  Within a week, he will default to MAIN, and that's one more stinky festering corpse in the peanut gallery.

However, as I am a kind and generous Holy Man™, I will extend the following advice:

1.  That unpleasant (?) feeling you got when you logged on was just the sudden realization that you have Nigel's dick up your arse.  Nothing to be ashamed of, EVERYONE has Nigel's dick up their arse.

2.  Don't pester ECH or Faust about the so-called "secret Pogs forum".  It doesn't exist.

3.  The pool is on the roof.

4.  Standing on the toilet won't help.  PD crabs can jump 12 feet.

5.  Nigel hasn't read the Principia Discordia.  You should tell her all about it.  The goofier you are, the better you'll do.

6.  I am a beautiful fairy princess, and expect to be treated as such.

7.  I am also an ANGRY BLACK WOMAN, and I am here to take a stand against the pasty-white honkies, Nigel and LMNO.  They are trying to BRING A SISTER DOWN.

8.  Most of the actual content is buried in Apple Talk.

9.  You live in Tucson, even if you don't know it.  Everyone does, as if you DON'T, Tucson will come to YOU.  Explanations upon request.

10.  Watch out for Paes and Signora Paesor.  They are ill-mannered upside down people from some Caribbean hellhole (New Zealand or some shit), and they are NOT ON YOUR SIDE. 

That's about it.  See if you can make it to 50 posts without getting all butthurt and fucking the family dog.

Venomously yours,
Dirty Old Uncle Roger

PS:  Nigel is currently in hiding under the name "Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies", after what she did to the UNICEF website.  For which she should be ASHAMED.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

HEY HEY HEY

THEY WERE ASKING FOR IT. 

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

That "cabbage" he loves looks like lettuce to me.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

That "cabbage" he loves looks like lettuce to me.

I think it might be iceberg.

BURN THE HERETIC!

[LMNO]

Roger, I am offended.  Do you know how difficult it is to be a white, middle-class male these days?

The struggle is unimaginable.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Roger, I am offended.  Do you know how difficult it is to be a white, middle-class male these days?

The struggle is unimaginable.

Yes, I know.  Which golf course to join.  Which Bentley to buy.

It's a hard-knock life.

[LMNO]

Noooobody knooows... The trubbles I seeeeen....

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I gotta say, I love the WOMP in the crowd pic.

[Slippils]

That "cabbage" he loves looks like lettuce to me.

Hey, in a way, you're right. Let me have my way. I never did anything to you.

[Slippils]

1.  That unpleasant (?) feeling you got when you logged on was just the sudden realization that you have Nigel's dick up your arse.  Nothing to be ashamed of, EVERYONE has Nigel's dick up their arse.

2.  Don't pester ECH or Faust about the so-called "secret Pogs forum".  It doesn't exist.

3.  The pool is on the roof.

4.  Standing on the toilet won't help.  PD crabs can jump 12 feet.

5.  Nigel hasn't read the Principia Discordia.  You should tell her all about it.  The goofier you are, the better you'll do.

6.  I am a beautiful fairy princess, and expect to be treated as such.

7.  I am also an ANGRY BLACK WOMAN, and I am here to take a stand against the pasty-white honkies, Nigel and LMNO.  They are trying to BRING A SISTER DOWN.

8.  Most of the actual content is buried in Apple Talk.

9.  You live in Tucson, even if you don't know it.  Everyone does, as if you DON'T, Tucson will come to YOU.  Explanations upon request.

10.  Watch out for Paes and Signora Paesor.  They are ill-mannered upside down people from some Caribbean hellhole (New Zealand or some shit), and they are NOT ON YOUR SIDE. 

Thank you for your time Uncle. Consider all the rules that instantaneously shared values with my Gut Feeling© as mental tramp stamps on my frontal lobe. The bad, bad, naughty dog is safe for now.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

That "cabbage" he loves looks like lettuce to me.

Hes a yerpeen of some sort. Maybe in his country all vegetables are called cabbage.
Also cabbage is nasty. It should only be eaten when your overlords be they feudal or imperial have taken all of the actual food.