Rant 49: My Pipe Can Smoke You All

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rant 49
My Pipe Can Smoke You All

,ÄúNever trust a smiling face with a smoking pipe hanging out of its mouth.,Äù
-overheard at a PMM/Cabal convocation

,ÄúYou know what? You,Äôre Eris-damned right!,Äù
¬¨-the ,ÄòSmiling Face,Äô in response to the above as he threw the smoking pipe at the offender

Now, I have my own so-called ,Äòbad habits,Äô and I love them as much as the next person. I keep most of them to myself, preferring to only inflict or share such ,Äòbad habits,Äô with those who know me well. But one so-called ,Äòbad habit,Äô I absolutely insist upon carrying with me everywhere is my pipe-smoking habit. Before some of you get any funny ideas about what exactly I smoke in my pipe, I,Äôll kill them all. It,Äôs tobacco, sweet tobacco. If it,Äôs good enough for the Irish, then it,Äôs probably not-so-good, and is thus a spectacularly enjoyable habit. But despite all that, it makes me very suspicious when people tell me that they can,Äôt stand the smell of pipe-tobacco being smoked around them; especially when such people have cigarettes (nothing wrong with that, I do it too) hanging out of their mouths every waking hour of their lives; or when such certain people are habitual smokers of a certain illegal drug which smells like a combination of dog,Äôs breath and catnip. (I care nothing for the aforementioned certain illegal drug myself, since I have gotten higher than the stars in the sky off of certain occult practices, or even daily life phenomena. Some people seem to need the drug for such states, and that,Äôs fine by me. But, if you are one of those people, don,Äôt assume it,Äôs that way for myself or everyone else.)

That is not to say I won,Äôt smoke other things in my pipe, because anyone or anything that gets in my way, is dried, cured, mixed with my special Eris blend of tobacco, and smoked up. And if you don,Äôt see yourself being turned into smoke in the near future, I suggest that you keep your anti-pipe smoking sentiments to yourself. My pipe has smoked cars, airplanes, mack-trucks, people who have pissed me off, microwaves, bottles of tequila, entire websites, parts of my copy of the Principia Discordia, random parts of horn sections in Salsa bands, and I even tried to smoke the White Mouse,Äîthat didn,Äôt work needless to say, as he wasn,Äôt buying my line about it making him much more powerful, though at the time I really believed it could (little deluded dupe that I was). Not only can my pipe smoke you all, sometimes I get the impression that my pipe is smoking me. (You can blame Eris for that one, but not too loudly.)

Hell. It might just be that the reason I want capitalism to die is so I can dry it out and smoke it in my pipe. But why wait for that when I can start smoking it now? I,Äôll even smoke the entire Bobdamned New Age movement, when I feel up for it. (Frou-frou fluffy stuff tends to clog up the pipe and it,Äôs a bitch to clean out.) My pipe has smoked gnomes, trolls, prairie squid, and purple dinosaurs. It even smoked the Mighty Cthulhu once,Äîand let me tell you, elder gods taste like crap when you dry them out and smoke them. I,Äôll even smoke vegans, since they are made up of all vegetable matter anyway. If you are starting to think that nothing is safe from my pipe, you are Eris-damned right. My pipe can smoke you all. But you can propitiate me with offerings of tequila and more tobacco. Beyond that, I really wish I could tell you what can make you safe from the burning ember that glows bright orange in my pipe, but, as I often say, you don,Äôt know the secret handshake. Everything is pipe-tested and Eris-approved. If you have issues with that, take it up with Her yourself.

In closing, There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is your Goddess.

[Donations and offerings gladly accepted.]

(Confusion 64th, 3170)

[Trollax]

I know this kid who's doing his HSC this year and he has a fob watch and cane, and he's not a goth... he has a briefcase instead of a bag and he has a fedora with a press card sticking out of it. The way you speak just now reminds me very much of this guy. Come to think of it, I'd bet if he was inclined he'd have himself a pipe too. 'sides it's got more style than winnie blues.

[Zurtok Khan]

Does your pipe smoke Eris?  And what does she think about this?

[Bella]

::offers up California to be smoked in Hugh's pipe::

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Does your pipe smoke Eris?  And what does she think about this?

Yes. And She seems to think it's funny. We get a lot of stares from the innocent bystanders though.

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

::offers up California to be smoked in Hugh's pipe::

Ah! Sweet California!

(Wait. Don't they already have a problem with fire there?)

[Bella]

Not much of a problem this year so far.
Washington is still burning, though.

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Not much of a problem this year so far.
Washington is still burning, though.

Ah! the taste!