The Company Loves Me. The Have Sent Me a Friend.

[Junkenstein]

Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.

Tuscon doesn't have what normal people think of as plants.  No salt required, if he can get his hands on an actual plant, it will commit hari-kiri within a month in Tuscon summer, anyway.

I suspected as much. It adds to it I feel. Helps demonstrate what happens when you perform fruitless tasks.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I think we've just found one of the duties of the morale officer.

Ask him if he knows the all the moves to "Thriller" and if he's how confident he is in a "teaching environment".

The poor bastard is in shock.

I don't think this is how he pictured corporate America.  He WANTED Glengary Ross, but he GOT To Wong Foo.

[LMNO]

You know, if this goes as well as planned, that guy may turn into an actual biped.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.

Tuscon doesn't have what normal people think of as plants.  No salt required, if he can get his hands on an actual plant, it will commit hari-kiri within a month in Tuscon summer, anyway.

I suspected as much. It adds to it I feel. Helps demonstrate what happens when you perform fruitless tasks.

I am specifically trying to avoid phony corporate morale/teambuilding schticks.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You know, if this goes as well as planned, that guy may turn into an actual biped.

It is my new mission in life.

[Junkenstein]

Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.

Tuscon doesn't have what normal people think of as plants.  No salt required, if he can get his hands on an actual plant, it will commit hari-kiri within a month in Tuscon summer, anyway.

I suspected as much. It adds to it I feel. Helps demonstrate what happens when you perform fruitless tasks.

I am specifically trying to avoid phony corporate morale/teambuilding schticks.

Understood. Will devise new methods.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.

Tuscon doesn't have what normal people think of as plants.  No salt required, if he can get his hands on an actual plant, it will commit hari-kiri within a month in Tuscon summer, anyway.

I suspected as much. It adds to it I feel. Helps demonstrate what happens when you perform fruitless tasks.

I am specifically trying to avoid phony corporate morale/teambuilding schticks.

Understood. Will devise new methods.

Please.  My goal is to take this wreckage and build a human being out of it.

It will not be pleasant (for him), but I have been handed a task and by God I will complete it.  Not that he'll ever go anywhere else, of course...But it's still worth doing.

[LMNO]

I'm starting to think one of the most effective things a Morale Officer can do is create real morale.  Not "Ice Cream Wednesdays," or "there's donuts in the break room," but to ruminate and generate behaviors and attitues and practices that honestly make the workplace a better place to be.


That's really hard to do, sometimes.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I'm starting to think one of the most effective things a Morale Officer can do is create real morale.  Not "Ice Cream Wednesdays," or "there's donuts in the break room," but to ruminate and generate behaviors and attitues and practices that honestly make the workplace a better place to be.


That's really hard to do, sometimes.

No, it's not that hard.  You pay people what they're worth, you don't make them miserable to show how big your johnson is, and you use a lot of discretion when discipline cases come up.  Also, you give them the credit when they have a good idea.  I'm wasn't hired to have good ideas, I was hired to hire people that have good ideas.  You reward team players and sanction lone wolves.

There is no need for misery at the workplace.  In fact, it's counterproductive.

This shouldn't be rocket science.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Oh, yeah.  You also place a little value on their off-work time.  No after hours meetings.  What do those say?  "You exist in our eyes solely for the purpose of dancing like a trained bear."

[Cainad (dec.)]

I just spent my day sucking spilled fuel oil out of the ground through a straw. I'm glad there are Responsible People like you to guide the Leaders of Tomorrow. I am clearly not suited for the job.

SQUEEZE BULBS.  GODDAMN.

Why do I even have to SAY this shit?

I'm being facetious; it's extracting an old oil spill from wells with a pump truck. I somehow forgot where you live and, more specifically, where you work, and forgot that you'd actually deal with some shit like that on a typical Tuesday.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Andrew has made another attempt to assert himself.

"Look, Roger, I am not used to being talked to this way."

"Yes, that's plainly the case.  You may have to adjust."

"Listen, you nutcase, I bring a great deal to the table and..."

"Shut up some more.  Your whining is irritating my bits.  This isn't a good thing for either of us."

"But..."

"There are no buts.  You have a PhD, and that's great.  But what they didn't teach you in whatever institution you attended, while they were ringing bells and dispensing dog food, was how to function around people.  Because of this, you have been removed from the company of people and sent here.  Your train has jumped the track, you have gotten on the wrong flight, and now it is too late to turn around.  You shall simply have to make the best of it and THAT relies entirely on you learning how to think instead of posture like a bonobo on crack."

Wide-eyed stare.  Andrew, it seems, is a special snowflake who has been sheltered from this sort of thing.

"I am getting through to you, Andrew?  Because not only am I your friend, I am currently your only friend.  Isn't that the most horrible thing you've ever heard?  Your boss is on drugs, your career is suddenly Tucson, and the ONLY person you can turn to is...Me.  You are done talking now.  You will finish getting your desk in order, you will go home and drink something high octane, you will drag your hung-over arse in here tomorrow, and you will learn to do your job.  If this is too much of a problem for you, I can accept your resignation letter at any time you feel convenient."

Angry stare.  The primate is strong in this one.

"Oh, and Andrew?"

"Yes?"

"I'm far worse in the morning.  My pills are still kicking, and my head is full of broken glass and angry wasps.  So walk small.  Good day."




That was the most fun I've had in 8 years.   

[Junkenstein]

Not only that, you got paid to do it too.

THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT PEOPLE.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

  He thinks he can talk his way around you.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

He thinks he can talk his way around you.

I am enjoying this far too much.  But it really is for his own good.

If I gave a shit about being employed here, I'd lose my nerve and be fired in like 5 minutes.