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Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, October 23, 2012, 05:29:52 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

Dear Reverend Johnson,

I received your letter yesterday, informing me of the horrible dangers associated with the possible reelection of President Barack Obama.  I couldn't help noticing, though, that you referred to him as "Barack Obama", and Mitt Romney as "Governor Romney".  The fact is that Obama should properly be referred to as "President Obama", as he is in fact a sitting president...And while Mitt Romney may enjoy the title "Governor" in perpetuity, he is not in fact a sitting governor, so I find it odd that you extended the honorific to him, but not to the president.

Also, while I understand your religious views on Gay marriage, I ask you to understand that our system of government and our rights as citizens do not spring from your church.  In fact, you remain untaxed as an example of how you are supposed to be apolitical, just as the government is not a religious function.  Given that you do not feel constrained to perserve this separation, I feel I have no choice but to ask my congressional representative to have your tax exempt status removed, with back taxes accruing from 1955 to the present.

In addition, your letter referred to a member of my family as "perverse" and "evil".  Not personally, but by virtue of your statements about Gays, transgendered folks, etc.  Given that this member of the family is 16 years old, I'd think she'd hardly have had TIME to gain that status.  She's a KID, you see, and I find your gleeful wishes of hellfire for her to be more than a little offensive.  May I suggest that you move past the old testament, and perhaps read what Jesus actually said?  You appear to be a little...Well, there's no easy way to say this:  You are ignorant about the very religion you preach, and seem to have replaced it with a virulent poison that is a stain on America and the American way of life.

I am not a biblical scholar, sir, but I HAVE read the book of Luke.  It talks about this "Jesus" fellow, who didn't hate on anybody.  He in fact hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors, because they are apparently the only people that CAN be saved.  You'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.  If Jesus came back today, you'd be the first one running for a hammer and some nails, and you'd claim that you were doing it for his own good.

Lastly, I am unimpressed with your appeal for school reform.  School is where children learn about how the temporal world works.  When it's time for them to learn about spirituality, we have churches for that.  But not your church, I am afraid.  No, my children will not be attending your church, as it looks more like a White supremacy organization than a church, and the religion you preach appears to be some horrible form of demonology.

Reverend, I implore you to save yourself.  Renounce your hate and find Jesus.  Not Paul of Tarsus, but Jesus.  Leave your vile hatred behind, lest God spit you from his mouth in disgust.  And don't vote for Mormons, their cosmology is just as bad as that crap you spew.

Yours in The Fighting Jesus,
The Good Reverend Roger
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

Nice.  Restrained, actually.


In a related note, we were discussing at band practice last night that Paul could very well have been a self-hating gay:

"I mean, he obviously hated women, while also loathing other gay men..."

"Plus, he changed his name to something less Jewish once he got really famous!"

tyrannosaurus vex

I love the letter!

I don't suppose you could post the offending material, and maybe drop this guy's name and address so that I could ... convey my heartfelt support to his mission?
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: V3X on October 23, 2012, 05:44:17 PM
I love the letter!

I don't suppose you could post the offending material, and maybe drop this guy's name and address so that I could ... convey my heartfelt support to his mission?

I'll scan it when I get home.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Anna Mae Bollocks

This is how EVERYBODY should be responding to their shit. Well done.  :lulz:
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division

P3nT4gR4m

Sweet! Especially this part

QuoteYou'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.

However, you do realise his cognitive faculty is crippled in such a way he is utterly incapable of processing your message. Or any message, for that matter, which contradicts his programming.

Which is a shame, since your position is pretty much irrefutable using normal rational thought paradigms.

In summary: Sending it will accomplish nothing, unless you enclose a dab of anthrax or something splodey  :|

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on October 23, 2012, 05:58:08 PM
Sweet! Especially this part

QuoteYou'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.

However, you do realise his cognitive faculty is crippled in such a way he is utterly incapable of processing your message. Or any message, for that matter, which contradicts his programming.

Which is a shame, since your position is pretty much irrefutable using normal rational thought paradigms.

In summary: Sending it will accomplish nothing, unless you enclose a dab of anthrax or something splodey  :|

Balls.  It amuses me, and that's all I'm out to accomplish.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Internet Jesus

Meh.  Needs MOAR goat blood and "hail satan".  Pentagrams doodled in thee margins would be a nice touch.  A reference to Varg having the right idea would also be a nice inside joke, too.
HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS!

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: Internet Jesus on October 23, 2012, 06:09:12 PM
Meh.  Needs MOAR goat blood and "hail satan".  Pentagrams doodled in thee margins would be a nice touch.  A reference to Varg having the right idea would also be a nice inside joke, too.

I write those all the time.  I was going for "contempt", not "batshit" this time.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

P3nT4gR4m

Quote from: Man Yellow on October 23, 2012, 06:06:29 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on October 23, 2012, 05:58:08 PM
Sweet! Especially this part

QuoteYou'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.

However, you do realise his cognitive faculty is crippled in such a way he is utterly incapable of processing your message. Or any message, for that matter, which contradicts his programming.

Which is a shame, since your position is pretty much irrefutable using normal rational thought paradigms.

In summary: Sending it will accomplish nothing, unless you enclose a dab of anthrax or something splodey  :|

Balls.  It amuses me, and that's all I'm out to accomplish.

It's all good, then. It amused me, too. Bonus!

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

P3nT4gR4m

Something I've used on irl faithfools which is tried and tested:

I am gay/pro-choice/Athiest and it looks like you're going to have to sort this out yourself, given that your all powerful creator apparently doesn't have the stones to take me on himself.

makes their little faces go a hilarious shade of purple

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

Q. G. Pennyworth


Juana

"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."

Nephew Twiddleton

Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS