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I lost track of who is who.  I thought Proword was Planeswalker.



Not that it matters.  One more threat out of his deranged ass and it's sorted.

Dok, i .. wut?
Yeah, i had my weird moments back in the days, i took my shit for it, and i grew - but i was nothing like this fucknut here, nor am i anything like the person who was nothing like this fucknut.

Been trying to find something meaningful to post, in between the fucking irl shitstorms, something that might be up to par for this forum...

No, this is just me being old and senile and conflating two people with new monikers and has nothing to do with you.

You can post any old thing you like, by the way.  You'll be amazed what sticks.  Hell, the Nessies monstrosity started out as a half page wank and turned into 300 pages of amazing.

I can do half a page of wank, but i tend to squirt outside of the margins.
This shitstorm though, it does remind me of "ye olden days" -- i am suprised they are still able to post.

feel free to take bets on wether my next post will be during a moment of dumbassery, or a moment of clarity.

you make it sound like those are mutually exclusive

[context]

almost two years ago i dared to just live *my* life.
to simply exist, publicly - without holding back who i am. i don't bother people. i simply exist and do everyday life shit. just like everyone else.

sadly. where i live, there are a lot of men who, well. let's just say: they can't handle their testosterone. and on top of that, their hypermasculine ways are ever so fragile.

it took me a while, to learn that i just can't be in certain places any longer, especially at certain times of day.
but even considering all those safety vectors - in broad daylight, when i just go get my groceries --- i will meet them; and i am afraid. with reason.

this is all normal. any woman i talked to understands.

but they don't understand what happens when my womanhood is taken away at a whim;
when i become neither - just an IT, a freak, a thing --- and the vile nature of these men; just to establish they aren't gay (which they weren't to begin with) means that i am gonna get the stick again. or the fists, and the boots. and then some. that is when the hypertesto goes into overdrive.

i can't fight back. hrt has made my muscles melt, and in this country i can't even carry a gun to equalize the imbalance of power. pepper spray only goes so far; and they are always so many. too many. too sudden. the police - if they even show up - are too late, and i dont have time to make a call when the flurry begins.


and now they organise. in box clubs, mma clubs. these people are ... trained to dominate by physical prowess. fueled by social injustice and that damn testorone they can't handle.
their knuckles flat, their chests swollen - one asked for a light, and i was stupid enough to check my pockets; only to get blindsided with a fist.

i am the one running for my life again and again. once in the streets to get away from them; and then for weeks in the sheets: for the dreams come back, and there is only so much a brain can take, before it blacks out.


i am not even here.
yet i find myself, with quill and knife in hand -
making a choice each night.

what makes this even worse;
is that everyone is just looking, and walking away.
as i stain yet another part of the pavement.


i don't mean to just lament about it: i am moving away from these people. soon. as soon as i can.
contract is cancelled. dunno where i go; but i will go.


and most of all: it pisses me off,
because they won.

No.

I lost track of who is who.  I thought Proword was Planeswalker.



Not that it matters.  One more threat out of his deranged ass and it's sorted.

Dok, i .. wut?
Yeah, i had my weird moments back in the days, i took my shit for it, and i grew - but i was nothing like this fucknut here, nor am i anything like the person who was nothing like this fucknut.

Been trying to find something meaningful to post, in between the fucking irl shitstorms, something that might be up to par for this forum...

I am way behind on my reading and understanding of history - at best. Please correct me.

But aren't there indicators that the whole witchhunt business was more about getting women out of leading roles within the social construst than fighting "zie devil"?
Cause ultimately this was perfect grounds for the rise of capitalism and to reduce the idea of womanhood to breeding more labor stock and being obedient to the patriarchs? And as it was with the lynchings and how i kinda see authority wielding its sticks today; especially when it comes to poc -- the point was hammered home: if you try to resist, we will fuck you up. Hard.
"Did we make our point?? Okay so we stop doing it this openly from here on out, but remember we can start again any time."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emrraHwkIdc

this might by new anthem for - as long as i damn well feel like it.
and thanks altered, your punk rock (which i digged) nudged my stupid YT algo to spit this one...

It IS all normal.

Just by reading, I have learnt a lot.

It's already pissing people off. So I guess it's working?
Will read again. Just to make sure it sticks.

What is also all normal is that today I found out, with multiple witnesses, that Kyle has been sexually harassing our janitor.

Kyle has decided to pursue other opportunities.

I have reserved a special place on my schedule for people just like Kyle. Let me go get my power tools.

I spent most of my day reading, ALL of this.
What a ride! Thank you.


"This is all normal."

It isn't. I keep reminding myself, but it rarely sticks.

So I have to just keep saying it.

It wasn't me in March: it was a TERF who had managed to insinuate herself into a trans-friendly space.
It wasn't me in May: it was a privileged rich cishet white lady who mistook a lack of privilege for a lack of effort.
It wasn't me today: it was a system built to keep homeless disabled/queer people disenfranchised for life.

And whenever I say these things, it sooner or later turns out to be truth. And I wish I could just be right about shit like this without being guilt tripped that I didn't complete the labors of Hercules before I decided that it wasn't my fault, that there was nothing more I could have done.

This is the opposite of the lesson a lot of people need to learn. That lesson is usually that sometimes it is their fault. And I have done quite a bit to myself, no doubt.

But the big things, the ones that drive me to breakdown sobbing in public, they aren't my fault. I have to keep reminding myself of that, that I am not the sole person in control of my life trajectory, whatever the feel-good ableist motivational poster industry and bootstraps obsessed middle and upper class says.

I live and die at the behest of others.
And I don't get a goddamn thing out of it.
And it's not just a fucking excuse.
And I couldn't have changed it with more effort, louder yelling, or fighting harder.
And every time the truth comes out and I am right.

Some mountains cannot be climbed. It's not my fault. It's not me.

*cries*



[...]

-flashback-

I shouldn't have been out that late.
I shouldn't have worn a skirt that day.
I shouldn't have dared to see a friend on a whim, putting me in that location to begin with.
I shouldn't have struggled.
I shouldn't have yelled.
I shouldn't have had that one extra drink before i went.
I shouldn't have told anyone after.

I should've done better.
I should've expected less.
I should've just stayed quiet.
I should've accepted that this is all my fault.

[...]

Can someone please shut down that fucking noise in my brain?
Anyone?

Please?
Cause i am fucking tired, and getting angry...

Never thought i'd make a 2nd one of these, but then i also never thought i would ever feel any semblance of happiness in my life.

Time is weird. The past ten years have been, a wild ride of sorts. They left me bitter for a while, left me with scars that will never go away. I have seen shit, done shit. And most of all, i was trying to figure out what the fuck i was doing, and who the fuck i was. Looking back, i can see all the signs - but i didn't know what to look for back then. It was time well spent, but also time lost. For i was never myself, could never be.

So two years ago i just came out - to myself, to the world - and i was dropped like a hot potato by friends and family alike.

But i have no regrets. The years of zen & discordia, and being exposed to the best and worst of humanity; it all had given me the tools to survive frankentran mode for the first couple months. When i learnt the health care system doesn't really care much and would have me wait another year or two, i went to biohack this body on my own. My body my rules right? Things became clear once the brain soup was *right* - at last.

And after a while, i finally felt free, and like i was arriving somewhere. Just had to relearn everything. The hate didn't stop though. it got worse the more i began to think i can just live my life. But i refuse to play nice and just hide away.

Society tells you to "just be yourself" but then turns on a dime with a "oh but not like that" when you do it in a way that it doesn't approve of... fucking regressives everywhere. In hindsight, i should have known. But some things one never knows until one has experienced it.


2020? This fucking year... where to even start?
I guess i became (at least for now) some sort of lefty zenarchist trans-more-or-les-bian and most of my time i wonder how i can deconstruct heteronormative bullshit and create a safer world for the generation to come - or i desperately try to find some cute female clothes which are not fitted for perfectly slim and petite fuckdolls.

Whatever is going to happen - for once i feel like, at least it is gonna be *me* dealing with all of it. And so i figured, i might as well come back here, where the journey to self began a long time ago...



/taking it, one day at a time

~Ari


and how did TGGR always put it? "or kill me"

https://www.instagram.com/p/CAsrVFXD3Ju/?utm_source=ig_embed

i just watch all this from afar - with a mix of horror and hope.

this morning i had a weird conversation with someone who mentioned that BLM is racist.
frankly, at this point - i have no words, nor do i know what it must feel like to live in the middle of this whole clusterfuck.

europe has its own problems with rising facsism, systemic racism, and age old bigotry ingrained into the very fabric of the social construct. but this? i ... dunno.



damn, i miss lockdown. when people stayed the fuck inside / away from me, and let me live my life in peace for once.

moist likely, not. 

i kinda dropped out eight-ish years ago. pursuing my own madness.
which is something i still do these days.

just figured i find out whatever this is now, and say hi at the very least.
frankly, the less anyone remembers the better - but it would be weird to start a fresh account just because of my past. gotta stand for who you became, and where you came from. yadda yadda

so, who are you then? :3

for lack of a better spot - another three years have gone by: and holy fuck did my outlook on life change beyond just getting fucking old. :3
there is actually a life worth living now. who would have thought this even existed??

but i guess that is mostly thanks to black market prescription hormones which finally put my brain into its rightful soup. and then hrt did its magic, partially to the body, which i am still somewhat trying to kinda live with; but most of all - to ye ol' brainbox: which can finally work as intended and damn did it click into place.

so yeah;i am kinda back. new and improved. eksky/planeswalker is dead - long live Ari, the tentacle queen. yadda yadda.
now back to lurking to see what you have all been up to as of late. i missed this place.

eyyo
/ari atari