Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)

[Cainad (dec.)]

 


This is my favorite goddamn thread EVER.

[Triple Zero]

i'm so glad i found the other old textfile of crappy jokes today continuing ...


Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the dog.


Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.


There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell.
Eventually they all starved to death.


Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the Nazis.


a guy is in a pub with his sister, karaoke night.
at some point he goes and takes the mic, and says
"right, i know this isn't exactly karaoke, but this is my sister's birthday today, and i'd
like us all to sing 'happy birthday' to her"
the crowd cheers for the sister and everybody sings happy birthday to her, while she looks
slightly embarassed.
once the song is finished, the guy takes the mic once again and says:
"i'd like to thank you all. actually it isn't exactly her birthday today, but it's been a
year exactly that she's been off the methadone"


What do you call someone who used to like tractors?
An extractor fan.


there once was a woman from prague
whose forehead was shaped like a book
she stood on a nail
it went into her shoe
and now there's a nail in her shoe.





the insane boy put his finger into the sky and asks his father what is there.

- "Its a plane, son"

- "Daddy, I want his meat"

[indigoblade]

Keep em coming TZ 

[Triple Zero]

.. that was the end of the file, unfortunately. well I did only pick the most funny ones. I also have another collection, but I already posted parts of that a long time ago.

[indigoblade]

.. that was the end of the file, unfortunately. well I did only pick the most funny ones. I also have another collection, but I already posted parts of that a long time ago.

I'll dig up some stuff later then.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

there once was a woman from prague
whose forehead was shaped like a book
she stood on a nail
it went into her shoe
and now there's a nail in her shoe.

I don't know why, but this one is my favorite.

[Vene]

I disagree Nigel, this is better.

the insane boy put his finger into the sky and asks his father what is there.

- "Its a plane, son"

- "Daddy, I want his meat"

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I made up a joke today that is now my favorite joke.

A moth encounters a dead bush, and decides to land. What does it land on?




A stick.

[Iason Ouabache]

BUMP.  Just in case RWHN needs it in his meeting.

[AFK]

Thank you, but as some of the long-timers can attest, I've got plenty of my own material.   

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

What did 0 say to 8?


Nice belt.

[rong]

a guy walks into a bakery and orders a cake shaped like the letter "B"

the baker says, "well, i think i can do that, but it'll take a few days."

the guy says, "that's fine, i'm in no hurry."

three days go by and the man returns to the bakery. 

the baker presents him with the cake and says, "well, what do you think?"

the guy says, "oh geez- it's really nice and all, but i forgot to explain that what i really needed was a cake shaped like a lower case 'b' - i'll gladly pay you for all the extra trouble"

the baker says that's fine and to come back in another three days.

three more days pass and the guy returns to the bakery and the baker shows him the cake.

"oh man, that's perfect.  that's exactly what i wanted," the guy said.

"you want i should box that up for you then?" said the baker.

"no, i'll just eat it here."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


little billy has to write a report for school about the history of his town, so he goes and asks his grandpa if he has any stories that he can use in his report.

"well," said grandpa, "one time i remember old farmer pete had a pig get loose.  it ran off into the woods and got lost.  so we rounded up a search party and went a lookin' for it.  for hours and hours we searched and searched.  it was about dusk when we finally found it, and when we did, we made sweet, sweet love to it all night long."

"Grandpa!" billy said, "i can't use that story.  do you know any other ones?"

"well," said grandpa, "one time i remember little betty mabel ran off into the woods and got lost.  so we rounded up a search party and went a lookin' for her.  for hours and hours we searched and searched.  it was about dusk when we finally found her, and when we did, we made sweet, sweet love to her all night long."

"Come on, Grandpa!" billy said, "i can't use that story, either.  you must know another story i can use."

"well," said grandpa, "one time, i wandered off into the woods and got lost.  .  .

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

there once was a woman from prague
whose forehead was shaped like a book
she stood on a nail
it went into her shoe
and now there's a nail in her shoe.

I don't know why, but this one is my favorite.

damn, that's really funny. 

[rong]

there once was a woman from prague
whose forehead was shaped like a book
she stood on a nail
it went into her shoe
and now there's a nail in her shoe.

I don't know why, but this one is my favorite.

damn, that's really funny. 

for me, it's cuz the only 2 lines that rhyme aren't supposed to.

[Idem]

A piece of gold walks in to a bar, the barman says A U get out of here.


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.


Q:  Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?
A:  They don't commute


The world's dead geniuses play hide and seek in heaven. Einstein goes over to a tree to count, while everyone scurry around to hide. In the meantime, Newton draws a 1 meter square with a stick and sits in the middle of it.
When Einstein finishes counting, he turns around and sees Newton in his square. "I've found you", he says. "No you didn't", Newton answers. "But you're right here in front of me!" Einstein says, puzzled. "Tell me, what do you see?" Newton asks. "I see you, Newton, sitting in a one meter square."
"And what is a Newton on a 1 meter square?"
"A pascal."
Newton grins.


A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are all paid to observe this house. They watch it for a week and nobody enters, or leaves the complex. On the 8th day somebody walks in, and on the 9th, two people walk out.
The biologist says: "Clearly they must have reproduced"
The physicist says: "Obviously our initial observations were incorrect"
The mathematician says: "If one more person walks into that house, there will be nobody in it"


An architect, an engineer, and a physicist are all hired by a farmer to help him design a fence. He tells them, "I want to enclose the largest area using the least amount of materials." The architect draws a square. The engineer draws a circle. The physicist takes the engineer's circle and writes "outside" on the inside.


Q: Why do chemists like nitrates?
A: because they are cheaper than dayrates


my ground is non-zero. That's why it hurts to walk


A man walks into a chemist's shop and says 'I'd like some adenosine triphosphate please.'
'Certainly sir,' says the chemist, 'that'll be 80p.'


A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a bar. The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says "hey buddy, I heard you like pork." The trichonosis larva looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says "indeed, I encyst upon it."


An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher are taking a walk through the Scottish highlands when they come across a black sheep. The engineer blurts out "hey look, the sheep in Scotland are black!" The experimental physicist turns to him and says "some of the sheep in Scotland are black." The theoretical physicist, looking bemused, chuckles and says "actually, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." The philosopher, who had been kneeling to examine a flower, looks up and says "on one side, anyway."