The Wild, Wild West redux

[Doktor Howl]

You know, I find the concept that Tucson is actually the nicest place in Arizona completely terrifying.

Have you ever been to Pheonix? It is outright terrifying. Pants-wettingly awful. Phoenix features the relentless odor of urine, the grim grayness of an Orwell novel, and the most depressing suburbs imaginable, with tiny, cubicle-like houses roofed in corrugated aluminum or, sometimes, fiberglass, surrounded by yards of bare gray dirt in which nothing can grow. It would be reminiscent of a trailer park with a dirt circle made by a neglected, anxious pit bull chained to a tree, except they don't have any trees, or anything else that's alive. Until I had my first exposure to Phoenix, around 1994, I had absolutely no idea that a place that terrible existed in the United States. Now that I've seen Phoenix, I no longer believe in the first-world status of the United States. All this surrounds a downtown area that is exactly like a downtown area from a architect's sketch, with every bit as much interest and feeling as every mall ever built. They might as well pump the aroma of Cinnabon into downtown Phoenix; it would give it more soul.

And then there's Tempe. I am convinced that there is actually only four square blocks of Tempe, and when you get to one end you're right back where you started from due to some convolution in the space-time continuum. Living there is a hell of repeating those same four blocks over and over again; the Motel 6 where my son was conceived, the 76 station on the corner, the condos, the K-Mart.

I went golfing once, in Tempe. Tempe is a place that makes golfing sound like a great time. Tempe is a place that makes you want to drive into Phoenix for something to do.

The worst part is the people...Or, more accurately, the looks on their faces.

[Freeky]

You know, I find the concept that Tucson is actually the nicest place in Arizona completely terrifying.

Have you ever been to Pheonix? It is outright terrifying. Pants-wettingly awful. Phoenix features the relentless odor of urine, the grim grayness of an Orwell novel, and the most depressing suburbs imaginable, with tiny, cubicle-like houses roofed in corrugated aluminum or, sometimes, fiberglass, surrounded by yards of bare gray dirt in which nothing can grow. It would be reminiscent of a trailer park with a dirt circle made by a neglected, anxious pit bull chained to a tree, except they don't have any trees, or anything else that's alive. Until I had my first exposure to Phoenix, around 1994, I had absolutely no idea that a place that terrible existed in the United States. Now that I've seen Phoenix, I no longer believe in the first-world status of the United States. All this surrounds a downtown area that is exactly like a downtown area from a architect's sketch, with every bit as much interest and feeling as every mall ever built. They might as well pump the aroma of Cinnabon into downtown Phoenix; it would give it more soul.

And then there's Tempe. I am convinced that there is actually only four square blocks of Tempe, and when you get to one end you're right back where you started from due to some convolution in the space-time continuum. Living there is a hell of repeating those same four blocks over and over again; the Motel 6 where my son was conceived, the 76 station on the corner, the condos, the K-Mart.

I went golfing once, in Tempe. Tempe is a place that makes golfing sound like a great time. Tempe is a place that makes you want to drive into Phoenix for something to do.

The worst part is the people...Or, more accurately, the looks on their faces.

What, you mean like the way it looks like their filters are so thick that they're constantly dazed, as if they had been hit in the head with something heavy, in order to live there without losing their minds?

[Requia ☣]

I generally drive through Arizona as quickly as possible in order to get somewhere else.

Now I understand why.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I generally drive through Arizona as quickly as possible in order to get somewhere else.

Now I understand why.

The parts that aren't in cities are incredibly beautiful.

[Freeky]

I generally drive through Arizona as quickly as possible in order to get somewhere else.

Now I understand why.

The parts that aren't in cities are incredibly beautiful.

Yes. Anywhere in Arzona that is a small community. Some examples are Bisbee (or is it Benson? I always get those two mixed up), Tombstone, a lot of really tiny places north of Phoenix.

[Doktor Howl]

You know, I find the concept that Tucson is actually the nicest place in Arizona completely terrifying.

Have you ever been to Pheonix? It is outright terrifying. Pants-wettingly awful. Phoenix features the relentless odor of urine, the grim grayness of an Orwell novel, and the most depressing suburbs imaginable, with tiny, cubicle-like houses roofed in corrugated aluminum or, sometimes, fiberglass, surrounded by yards of bare gray dirt in which nothing can grow. It would be reminiscent of a trailer park with a dirt circle made by a neglected, anxious pit bull chained to a tree, except they don't have any trees, or anything else that's alive. Until I had my first exposure to Phoenix, around 1994, I had absolutely no idea that a place that terrible existed in the United States. Now that I've seen Phoenix, I no longer believe in the first-world status of the United States. All this surrounds a downtown area that is exactly like a downtown area from a architect's sketch, with every bit as much interest and feeling as every mall ever built. They might as well pump the aroma of Cinnabon into downtown Phoenix; it would give it more soul.

And then there's Tempe. I am convinced that there is actually only four square blocks of Tempe, and when you get to one end you're right back where you started from due to some convolution in the space-time continuum. Living there is a hell of repeating those same four blocks over and over again; the Motel 6 where my son was conceived, the 76 station on the corner, the condos, the K-Mart.

I went golfing once, in Tempe. Tempe is a place that makes golfing sound like a great time. Tempe is a place that makes you want to drive into Phoenix for something to do.

The worst part is the people...Or, more accurately, the looks on their faces.

What, you mean like the way it looks like their filters are so thick that they're constantly dazed, as if they had been hit in the head with something heavy, in order to live there without losing their minds?

The SMILE that says "Everything is GREAT!" underneath the eyes that say "something is missing."  And the slow, staggering stride that drags them to wherever they have to be, already in the knowledge that there'll be no parking when they get there.  Anywhere.  And that you can never, ever stop moving, or Sheriff Joe will have you in his tent city by nightfall...or on a bus to somewhere that isn't the shining city in the desert.  The City where there is, in fact, parking on the dance floor...And nowhere else.

[Freeky]

I'm glad I'm not too familiar with the Phoenix area. I've been there maybe twice during daylight hours. Truly, that was enough. I had nightmares of those smiles for WEEKS after.

[Jasper]

Why must there even be a Pheonix?  Can't we just re-home those people somewhere north of there, and turn the place into an urban combat training facility?

Maybe if enough of them are redistributed longitudinally...   Like around north Utah.

[Freeky]

Sig, those people have obviously done something horrible in a previous life to end up living in Phoenix. I mean, seriously. No one WANTS to live there, it's a punishment by the cosmos!

[Nast]

Sig, those people have obviously done something horrible in a previous life to end up living in Phoenix. I mean, seriously. No one WANTS to live there, it's a punishment by the cosmos!
[/quote

My mom wants to move there.

[Jasper]

Sig, those people have obviously done something horrible in a previous life to end up living in Phoenix. I mean, seriously. No one WANTS to live there, it's a punishment by the cosmos!

Surely there can't be THAT many blameless people in the world, living in other places.

[Template]

Sig, those people have obviously done something horrible in a previous life to end up living in Phoenix. I mean, seriously. No one WANTS to live there, it's a punishment by the cosmos!

Surely there can't be THAT many blameless people in the world, living in other places.

Who said that was the only punishment?

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

Imma totally Roger's Phoenix.   

[Kai]

Phoenix doesn't look that bad from the photos. Just like any other urban/suburban hellhole in this goddamn country.

[Doktor Howl]

Phoenix doesn't look that bad from the photos. Just like any other urban/suburban hellhole in this goddamn country.

You have to get the city under your feet to understand, Kai.