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that old guy...

Started by bugmenоt, June 13, 2008, 06:45:22 PM

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bugmenоt

June 13, 2008, 06:45:22 PM
This is a true story written as kinda-poem.
I want to get some experience in writing english stuff.

[no title]

In the town where i grew up
there's that station and that pub.
And every time i'm passing by
I see that old strange-looking guy

His skin looks raw, his ears are huge...
huge and hairy, somehow scary.
Most of the time, his eyes are closed...
not a single blink, he seems to think.

Or maybe he's just sleeping.

So he's asleep or he is not,
now i'm getting to the plot:

There is that noise he always makes.

a whirring, humming, snoring something.

There's that man who makes that noise,
and absolutely noone knows
if it stems from his voice
or after all from his nose.

a whirring, humming, snoring something.

it could be both from his voice and his nose
but noone really knows.
except of him i guess.

One day I wanted to ask him.
But I don't speak his language.

There's that man who makes that noise,
and absolutely noone knows
if it stems from his voice
or after all from his nose.

It sounds so calm and wise.
And with his always closed eyes,

the guy looks like buddha.

A russian buddha or something.


Reverend Loveshade

#1
June 14, 2008, 04:24:12 AM
While I write poetry, it's one of the few things I don't claim to be great at.

I really liked your beginning, and going from this strange old guy at the beginning to Buddha at the end is cool.  Personally, I'd cut out the "or something" at the end.  To me it seems stronger without it.  And you might want to do some more revision, if you want to.  I think with a little polish, it could be quite good.

But that's just one person's opinion.
"Threats should not be tolerated. They're demeaning, they're violations to human rights and no one deserves them."

-- navkat, 20 June 2007, principiadiscordia.com

Maria

#2
June 16, 2008, 12:23:40 AM
The rhyming scheme sucks.

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
June 16, 2008, 12:46:25 AM
Quote from: Maria on June 16, 2008, 12:23:40 AM
The rhyming scheme sucks.

SILENCE WOMAN!  THAT IS PURE FUCKING KIPLING!
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Jenne

#4
June 16, 2008, 01:12:58 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 16, 2008, 12:46:25 AM
Quote from: Maria on June 16, 2008, 12:23:40 AM
The rhyming scheme sucks.

SILENCE WOMAN!  THAT IS PURE FUCKING KIPLING!

:lulz:  Something tells me you are gonna pay for that.

Reverend Loveshade

#5
June 16, 2008, 04:33:47 AM
"Threats should not be tolerated. They're demeaning, they're violations to human rights and no one deserves them."

-- navkat, 20 June 2007, principiadiscordia.com

The Good Reverend Roger

#6
June 16, 2008, 04:46:07 AM
Quote from: Reverend Uncle BadTouch on June 16, 2008, 04:33:47 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 16, 2008, 12:46:25 AM
Quote from: Maria on June 16, 2008, 12:23:40 AM
The rhyming scheme sucks.

SILENCE WOMAN!  THAT IS PURE FUCKING KIPLING!



THANKS.  NEXT TIME I NEED A STALE, ANCIENT JOKE, I'LL KNOW WHO TO CALL.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
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