fear

[Horab Fibslager]

i looked into her eyes adn i was one mind and thinkign from teh metaprogrammer whiel speaking relvantly to eh matter at hand. i fear those eys ebcause it is the onyl justifiable, worthy fear to me, woman. thi soman, my mind's and heart's and body's desires wrapped in flesh andblood and spirit adn green eyes. i blinked and i fought to hold my eyes on her's. and iw as enlightened by it, as i often am, no greater an nlightemnt than any other's from any other mundane experience, as the often are. it brough t to mind another fear, the one i developed a coupelyearas ago wheni went tothe mountain. well moutnains. not some emtaphysical ellegory, i ran up that mountain, and smoked of the herb of Her root, and exhaled thebreath of Her son, andfelt the weight fo her words. i loked upon teh scene before me. hundreds ofmiles of near wilderness, moutnains which were formed of theillusions i witnssed when i tasted ofth esarement of thelsd not more than five years before, not less than 2. i saw them, adn saw the magnitdue, an dtheir majesty. for I was so smalll, and thebarest scratch of land in a universe which was infinitely larger than my ability to comprehend so large. i saw then, adn knew, adn was humble, and i coudl feel the weight fothe hundred thosuand tonnes of the slushy mixture we cal air weighing upon me. and i crawled back down from that mountain as quickly as my hands and knees woudl take me. for i feared, to the depth of my bones i feared, to look up to the sky.ti was not that my eyes burnt, it was in fact, that the feelign, that inescapable buzz that has accompanied many o fth egreat insights that have revealed themselves to the voice inside my head, accompanied everytime i looked up. i woudl automaticall y guesstimate teh disatance, nto in terms of measurement and science, but in the lonely distances, teh lifetimes and the sore feet and the heartaches and the goodbyes adn the cyalaters and the never agains and the punches to the noses that i measured their distances in. the clouds were bad enough. the stars...

good goddess teh stars. i can glance up, now, for a few moments, on as ober night. if i haven' t been sober for too long. if i am drunk, it depends, when i am stoned on teh green herbwiththered hairs... i do not dare even glance. Shecursed me to measure them thsi way,knwogni that i had no want o fquantificatoion, knowing me and knowing my fearsand my deepest secrets kept even from myself, the lies that are truths, that are happiness, that is sadness.

and so i wandered, over the hills and through te valleys, seeking, perhaps, or resting. or seeking to not seek. or simply moving because i was bidden by the chromosomes that bid me to do so. by the mtoviations and manipulations of my brain chemistry that bdi me wake up each morning, to eat and brush my teeth. to rebel against rebellion agaisnt rebllion against rebellion. a circle always. soemtiems wider, sometiems narrow to a point which ahs no circumference save as a location. a mathematicla abstraction. sometimes, adn awlays and never, with an infinite circumference adn no center.

he asked, when itold him why i feare  to look up, as i saw it at that time, at that moment ont hat night peering at teh aurora borealis spread across teh viel of the night "r--, do you fear death fear nothingness? fear what may come, what you do not know?" i lied and told him it was not so much in as that, dsilution may eba relief, whatever may coem may be a releif. maybe or a greater hell,. i did not know. i was nto a fraid, i lied again, but i was in no large rush to go back home." i sang in teh midngiht choir that night and many others. until a few weeks ago when i sang no more, for i have an ulcer, adn that method of communion, that numbe too real, and somehow fake expereicne cannto be mine for a time at least, and i have been sober int eh chemical sense for a wekk or three now, to acertain extent, as i consuem toxins, adn the thruth is., i do fear it and mnay other things. i do not fear whati cannto see, adn rish in as a fool blindly, for i am wise to trust that i will ot know all tings, andwill surive best with confidence in that darkness. adnthis amy be alie as well, a comfort to allow me to place on efoot befor ethe other tho i cannto see, and make itfrom ym stairwell to my bedroom door. tho fear of the dark, in physicality, is not mine. yet tho, i do race home, smoking my cigarettes and dreaming of immortality, whiele copmparing sunsets, lookin gfor that flash of greenand eprfection, knwoing that teh world is inf act perfect, right down to every last flaw. it is a truth i hodl dear, tho it very much is a lie again.

she said"peopel think if they acept _____ into their hearts, and ask him... their lives willbe compelte, they will instantyl lose weight, they will feel whoel and compelte and want not"(to paraprhase loosely). adn i meditated upon it, and knew it was teh jsut as i had thoughts once or twice befre, the journey adn everyman is jobe askign why and being smited for it, and this is hwo it is, a struggel teh embrace, ebb and flow, current, and udnertow. the river adn the fall, a passing moment in an hour,  pebble on the beach.

[hooplala]

Do you have a website, Horab?

[Horab Fibslager]

i do indeed. it's under(permanent :P) reconstruction atm.

it is http://tornasunder.sensibilium.com

when i put th eforums back up, in whatever form they do so, tak enote that i have no qualms for banning anyone for anything i feel like.
that being siad, the onlyediting of posts i will do will be to delete them, after the poster is banned. so far i have only done this once.

regardless of my offensive nature, umm, i'm thinking about doing the whole book up in html(tho extremely basic, sinc ei'm lazy and don't need frills anyway). however if anyone is interested in designing one for me, i'd be more than happy to take them up on the offer, given that they will be paid in beign credit for the code and deisgn, and their company nad work being recomended onteh front page.

[Rev. St. Syn, KSC (Ret.)]

i do indeed. it's under(permanent :P) reconstruction atm.

it is http://tornasunder.sensibilium.com

when i put th eforums back up, in whatever form they do so, tak enote that i have no qualms for banning anyone for anything i feel like.
that being siad, the onlyediting of posts i will do will be to delete them, after the poster is banned. so far i have only done this once.

[Horab Fibslager]

/shrug.

my forums and i do whatever is wish with them.

my forum, my rules. lol
i've only ever deleted and banned roger under the chef moniker. at the time we were rather upset with each other.