The Book of Prophecy ~ As Written by Payne

[Payne]

It is traditional for me to impart great truths to you when I resurrect, and I shall continue this tradition with this - the first chapter of my Book of Prophecy.

1:1 In the third year of the reign of Hugh, Moderator of PD came Hustle, Moderator of Pimpsville unto Apple Talk, and besieged it.
1:2 And the Lord gave Hugh Moderator of PD into his hand, with part of the vessels of the house of Admin: which he carried into the land of Maine to the house of his Admins; and he brought the vessels into the treasure house of his Admins.
1:3 And the Moderator spake unto Rev. Uncle BadTouch the master of his eunuchs, that he should bring certain of the children of WOMP, and of the Moderator's seed, and of the princes;
1:4 Children in whom was no blemish, but well favoured, and skilful in all wisdom, and cunning in knowledge, and understanding science, and such as had ability in them to stand in the Moderator's palace, and whom they might teach the learning and the tongue of the Spags.
1:5 And the Moderator appointed them a daily provision of the Moderator's meat, and of the wine which he drank: so nourishing them three years, that at the end thereof they might stand before the Moderator.
1:6 Now among these were of the children of PD, Payne, Eve, Fred, and Cramulus:
1:7 Unto whom the prince of the eunuchs gave names: for he gave unto Payne the name of The Motherfucking Mesiah; and to Eve, of Kimmy Gibbler; and to Fred, of Noodle; and to Cramulus, of Shit on a Shoe.
1:8 But Payne purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the Moderator's meat, nor with the wine which he drank: therefore he requested of the prince of the eunuchs that he might not defile himself.
1:9 Now The Great Admin had brought Payne into favour and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs.
1:10 And the prince of the eunuchs said unto Payne, I fear my lord the Moderator, who hath appointed your meat and your drink: for why should he see your faces worse liking than the children which are of your sort? then shall ye make me endanger my head to the Moderator.
1:11 Then said Payne to Sheered Volva, whom the prince of the eunuchs had set over Payne, Eve, Fred, and Cramulus,
1:12 Prove thy servants, I beseech thee, ten days; and let them give us pulse to eat, and water to drink.
1:13 Then let our countenances be looked upon before thee, and the countenance of the children that eat of the portion of the Moderator's meat: and as thou seest, deal with thy servants.
1:14 So he consented to them in this matter, and proved them ten days.
1:15 And at the end of ten days their countenances appeared fairer and fatter in flesh than all the children which did eat the portion of the Moderator's meat.
1:16 Thus Sheered Volva took away the portion of their meat, and the wine that they should drink; and gave them pulse.
1:17 As for these four children, The Admin gave them knowledge and skill in all learning and wisdom: and Payne had understanding in all visions and dreams.
1:18 Now at the end of the days that the Moderator had said he should bring them in, then the prince of the eunuchs brought them in before Hustle.
1:19 And the Moderator communed with them; and among them all was found none like Payne, Eve, Fred, and Cramulus: therefore stood they before the Moderator.
1:20 And in all matters of wisdom and understanding, that the Moderator enquired of them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers that were in all his realm.
1:21 And Payne continued even unto the first year of Moderator Faust.

[Eve]

(and )

[Payne]

Just wait till I actually start Prophesying.

You'll ALL regret it.

Chapter Two tomorrow.

[Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ]

[Payne]

Fuck it. Chapter Two NOW!

2:1 And in the second year of the reign of Hustle Hustle dreamed dreams, wherewith his spirit was troubled, and his sleep brake from him.
2:2 Then the Moderator commanded to call the magicians, and the astrologers, and the sorcerers, and the Spags, for to shew the Moderator his dreams. So they came and stood before the Moderator.
2:3 And the Moderator said unto them, I have dreamed a dream, and my spirit was troubled to know the dream.
2:4Then spake the Spags to the Moderator in Syriack, O Moderator, live for ever: tell thy servants the dream, and we will shew the interpretation.
2:5 The Moderator answered and said to the Spags, The thing is gone from me: if ye will not make known unto me the dream, with the interpretation thereof, ye shall be cut in pieces, and your houses shall be made a dunghill.
2:6 But if ye shew the dream, and the interpretation thereof, ye shall receive of me gifts and rewards and great honour: therefore shew me the dream, and the interpretation thereof.
2:7 They answered again and said, Let the Moderator tell his servants the dream, and we will shew the interpretation of it.
2:8 The Moderator answered and said, I know of certainty that ye would gain the time, because ye see the thing is gone from me.
2:9 But if ye will not make known unto me the dream, there is but one decree for you: for ye have prepared lying and corrupt words to speak before me, till the time be changed: therefore tell me the dream, and I shall know that ye can shew me the interpretation thereof.
2:10 The Spags answered before the Moderator, and said, There is not a man upon the earth that can shew the Moderator's matter: therefore there is no Moderator, lord, nor ruler, that asked such things at any magician, or astrologer, or Spag.
2:11 And it is a rare thing that the Moderator requireth, and there is none other that can shew it before the Moderator, except the gods, whose dwelling is not with flesh.
2:12 For this cause the Moderator was angry and very furious, and commanded to destroy all the wise men of Pimpsville.
2:13 And the decree went forth that the wise men should be slain; and they sought Payne and his fellows to be slain.
2:14 Then Payne answered with counsel and wisdom to Cainad the captain of the Moderator's guard, which was gone forth to slay the wise men of Pimpsville:
2:15 He answered and said to Cainad the Moderator's captain, Why is the decree so hasty from the Moderator? Then Cainad made the thing known to Payne.
2:16 Then Payne went in, and desired of the Moderator that he would give him time, and that he would shew the Moderator the interpretation.
2:17 Then Payne went to his house, and made the thing known to Eve, Fred, and Cramulus, his companions:
2:18 That they would desire mercies of the The Great Admin of heaven concerning this secret; that Payne and his fellows should not perish with the rest of the wise men of Pimpsville.
2:19 Then was the secret revealed unto Payne in a night vision. Then Payne blessed the Admin of heaven.
2:20 Payne answered and said, Blessed be the name of The Great Admin for ever and ever: for wisdom and might are his:
2:21 And he changeth the posts and the emoticons: he removeth Moderators, and setteth up Moderators: he giveth wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know understanding:
2:22 He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the hidden posters, and the admin panel dwelleth with him.
2:23 I thank thee, and praise thee, O thou The Admins of my fathers, who hast given me wisdom and might, and hast made known unto me now what we desired of thee: for thou hast now made known unto us the Moderator's matter.
2:24 Therefore Payne went in unto Cainad, whom the Moderator had ordained to destroy the wise men of Pimpsville: he went and said thus unto him; Destroy not the wise men of Pimpsville: bring me in before the Moderator, and I will shew unto the Moderator the interpretation.
2:25 Then Cainad brought in Payne before the Moderator in haste, and said thus unto him, I have found a man of the captives of PD, that will make known unto the Moderator the interpretation.
2:26The Moderator answered and said to Payne, whose name was The Motherfucking Mesiah, Art thou able to make known unto me the dream which I have seen, and the interpretation thereof?
2:27 Payne answered in the presence of the Moderator, and said, The secret which the Moderator hath demanded cannot the wise men, the astrologers, the magicians, the soothsayers, shew unto the Moderator;
2:28 But there is a The Great Admin in heaven that revealeth secrets, and maketh known to the Moderator Hustle what shall be in the latter days. Thy dream, and the visions of thy head upon thy bed, are these;
2:29 As for thee, O Moderator, thy thoughts came into thy mind upon thy bed, what should come to pass hereafter: and he that revealeth secrets maketh known to thee what shall come to pass.
2:30 But as for me, this secret is not revealed to me for any wisdom that I have more than any living, but for their sakes that shall make known the interpretation to the Moderator, and that thou mightest know the thoughts of thy heart.
2:31 Thou, O Moderator, sawest, and behold a great image. This great image, whose brightness was excellent, stood before thee; and the form thereof was terrible.
2:32 This image's head was of poor pixelly madness, his breast and his arms a statue found on Google Images, his belly and his thighs of a fat man found on Yahoo Image Search,
2:33 His legs of the brush tool of MSPaint, his feet part of the brush tool and part of inept use of the brush tool.
2:34 Thou sawest till that the image was cropped without hands, which smote the image upon his feet that were of the brush tool and part of inept use of the brush tool, and brake them to pieces.
2:35 Then was the brush tool, the fat man , the statue, and the poor pixelly madness, broken to pieces together, and became like the chaff of the summer threshing floors; and the wind carried them away, that no place was found for them: and the cropping tool that smote the image became a great mountain, and filled the whole earth.
2:36 This is the dream; and we will tell the interpretation thereof before the Moderator.
2:37 Thou, O Moderator, art a Moderator of Moderators: for the Admin of heaven hath given thee a Moderatorship, power, and strength, and glory.
2:38 And wheresoever the children of men dwell, the beasts of the field and the fowls of the heaven hath he given into thine hand, and hath made thee ruler over them all. Thou art this head of poor pixelly madness.
2:39 And after thee shall arise another Moderatorship inferior to thee, and another third Moderatorship of fat men, which shall bear rule over all the earth.
2:40 And the fourth Moderatorship shall be strong as the brush tool: forasmuch as the brush tool breaketh in pieces and subdueth all things with WRATH: and as brush tool that breaketh all these, shall it break in pieces and bruise.
2:41 And whereas thou sawest the feet and toes, part of inept use of the brush tool, and part of the brush tool, the Moderatorship shall be divided; but there shall be in it of the strength of the brush tool, forasmuch as thou sawest the brush tool mixed with inept use therof.
2:42 And as the toes of the feet were part of brush tool, and part inept use therof, so the Moderatorship shall be partly WRATHful, and partly broken.
2:43 And in the days of these Moderators shall the Admin of heaven set up a Moderatorship, which shall never be destroyed: and the Moderatorship shall not be left to other people, but it shall break in pieces and consume all these Moderatorships, and it shall stand for ever.
2:45 Forasmuch as thou sawest that the cropping tool was used without hands, and that it brake in pieces the image; the great Admin hath made known to the Moderator what shall come to pass hereafter: and the dream is certain, and the interpretation thereof sure.
2:46 Then the Moderator Hustle fell upon his face, and worshipped Payne, and commanded that they should offer an oblation and sweet odours unto him.
2:47 The Moderator answered unto Payne, and said, Of a truth it is, that your Admin is a Admin of all Admins, and a Lord of Moderators, and a revealer of secrets, seeing thou couldest reveal this secret.
2:48Then the Moderator made Payne a great man, and gave him many great gifts, and made him ruler over the whole province of Pimpsville, and chief of the governors over all the wise men of Pimpsville.
2:49 Then Payne requested of the Moderator, and he set Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, over the affairs of the province of Pimpsville: but Payne sat in the pizza parlour of the Moderator.

[Richter]

 

[the other anonymous]

I don't get it.

[Payne]

Chapter the Third

3:1 Hustle the Moderator made a pizza of pepperoni, whose width was threescore cubits, and the depth thereof six cubits: he set it up in the plain of Discordian Recipes, in the province of Pimpsville.
3:2 Then Hustle the Moderator sent to gather together the princes, the governors, and the captains, the judges, the treasurers, the counsellors, the sheriffs, and all the rulers of the provinces, to come to the dedication of the pizza which Hustle the Moderator had set up.
3:3 Then the princes, the governors, and captains, the judges, the treasurers, the counsellors, the sheriffs, and all the rulers of the provinces, were gathered together unto the dedication of the pizza that Hustle the Moderator had set up; and they stood before the big pie that Hustle had set up.
3:4 Then an herald cried aloud, To you it is commanded, O people, nations, and languages,
3:5 That at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the great pizza that Hustle the Moderator hath baked:
3:6 And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth shall the same hour be cast into the midst of a burning pizza oven.
3:7 Therefore at that time, when all the people heard the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and all kinds of musick, all the people, the nations, and the languages, fell down and worshipped the big pie that Hustle the Moderator had set up.
3:8 Wherefore at that time certain Spags came near, and accused the WOMP cabal.
3:9 They spake and said to the Moderator Hustle, O Moderator, live for ever.
3:10 Thou, O Moderator, hast made a decree, that every man that shall hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, shall fall down and worship the pizza:
3:11 And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth, that he should be cast into the midst of a burning pizza oven.
3:12 There are certain WOMP cabalites whom thou hast set over the affairs of the province of Pimpsville, Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe; these men, O Moderator, have not regarded thee: they serve not thy Admins, nor worship the big pie which thou hast baked.
3:13 Then Hustle in his rage and fury commanded to bring Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe. Then they brought these men before the Moderator.
3:14 Hustle spake and said unto them, Is it true, O Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, do not ye serve my admins, nor worship the tasty treat which I have set up?
3:15 Now if ye be ready that at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the massive fuck-off pie which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning pizza oven; and who is that Admin that shall deliver you out of my hands?
3:16 Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, answered and said to the Moderator, O Hustle, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.
3:17 If it be so, our Admin whom we serve is able to deliver us from the oven, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O Moderator.
3:18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O Moderator, that we will not serve thy Admins, nor worship the pizza which thou hast set up.
3:19 Then was Hustle full of fury, and the form of his visage was changed against Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe: therefore he spake, and commanded that they should heat the oven seven times more than it was wont to be heated.
3:20 And he commanded the most mighty men that were in his army to bind Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, and to cast them into the pizza oven.
3:21 Then these men were bound in their coats, their hosen, and their hats, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the furnace.
3:22 Therefore because the Moderator's commandment was urgent, and the oven exceeding hot, the flames of the fire slew those men that took up Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe.
3:23 And these three men, Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.
3:24 Then Hustle the Moderator was astonied, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the Moderator, True, O Moderator.
3:25 He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of an Admin.
3:26 Then Hustle came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and spake, and said, Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, ye servants of the most high Admin, come forth, and come hither. Then Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, came forth of the midst of the fire.
3:27 And the princes, governors, and captains, and the Moderator's counsellors, being gathered together, saw these men, upon whose bodies the fire had no power, nor was an hair of their head singed, neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed on them.
3:28 Then Hustle spake, and said, Blessed be the Admin of Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, who hath sent his Beautiful Fairy Princess, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the Moderator's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any Admin, except their own Admin.
3:29 Therefore I make a decree, That every people, nation, and language, which speak any thing amiss against the Admin of Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill: because there is no other Admin that can deliver after this sort.
3:30 Then the Moderator promoted Kimmy Gibbler, Noodle, and Shit on a Shoe, in the province of Pimpsville.

[hooplala]

Eldora was a mod?  Yuo shore?

[Payne]

It's not supposed to be factual Hoops. It's PROPHECY!

ETA: You can advise a suitable replacement though, I won't mind. Bear in mind that I've been working on this while I've been offline so had no source to check facts and shit out.

[Adios]

This rocks.

[hooplala]

It's not supposed to be factual Hoops. It's PROPHECY!

ETA: You can advise a suitable replacement though, I won't mind. Bear in mind that I've been working on this while I've been offline so had no source to check facts and shit out.

Don't get me wrong, Payne, I loves it.  Eldora just threw me off... I think she was a mod wannabe.  Use Hugh.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This is amazing!   

[The Good Reverend Roger]

However, it's "beautiful fairy princess".

Just saying.

[P3nT4gR4m]

HOLY FUCK!

This is teh greatest story evar told