Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Two vast and trunkless legs of stone => Topic started by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 07:36:56 PM

Title: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 07:36:56 PM
I have it on good authority that almost everything that is wrong in the world can be traced back to MY FACE.  I am also informed that the things that AREN'T caused by MY MOM.  Who would say such awful things to their spiritual advisor, you may ask? 

Why, Freeky, of course.

This is just ONE REASON that you should never listen to a word that woman says.  She is WRONG, and she KNOWS she is wrong, and she feeds people false information JUST FOR KICKS.  She is utterly and completely bankrupt in any moral sense, and ethically, she is a vast, festering pit of MALICE and DEGRADATION. 

I mean, ask around.  I am the kindest, most compassionate bastard on this planet.  It is because of MY GOOD GRACES and my intercession with ALIEN GODS that said alien gods don't come down here and SNORT YOUR SOULS LIKE COCAINE.  How's that grab you?  Without ME in the way, YOU are nothing but a bag of CHEAP CRANK.

No.  The problems that plague the world are on account of CRAM'S BEARD and LMNO's lack of 'STACHE.  An example:  My toilet is so clogged up that the breather pipe out by the street vomits out shit and toilet paper every time I flush.  Sure, the plumber's been called, but the toilet tank fills up really fast, and I think I can flush it at least 20 more times before he shows up.  Cleanup is IN HIS CONTRACT, and when he begins to curse at me and weep, like he always does, I shall simply show him a picture of LMNO's hairless mug and tell him WHY I must do these HORRIBLE THINGS.

And as far as Cram goes, he's a fucking terrorist.  If there was any REASON employed by DHS, they'd have shoved him and his smug grin in a fucking hole YEARS AGO.  Well, actually his beard is the terrorist, but WHO GREW THE FUCKING THING IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Anyway, I just wanted You People to know that Freeky is full of shit when she talks all that smack about me.  I'M not the problem, YOU PEOPLE are the fucking problem.  YOU MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE.  If any of you really loved me, you'd kill yourselves today.

Or Kill Me.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on May 30, 2012, 07:43:43 PM
Hi Reverend! Did you have a good time being dead?
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 07:45:27 PM
Quote from: Twiddlegeddon on May 30, 2012, 07:43:43 PM
Hi Reverend! Did you have a good time being dead?

It's getting to be a little routine.  Lay in the box, hate hate hate.  Then Howl fucks something up, and it's burst out of the ground, eat the rector, and shamble back off to work, groaning about brains.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on May 30, 2012, 09:00:13 PM
I have it on good authority that Dr James Semaj got so overwhelmed with the shit he had to save the world from, he went underground and actually took over the business of modern Horror. Something about "if you can't beat 'em...", I think. Wanted to make sure that if all the awful shit couldn't be stopped, there might as well be someone sensible in charge of it all.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: LMNO on May 30, 2012, 09:03:00 PM
I shave to punish you all for Katy Perry's existence.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 09:03:15 PM
Quote from: Cainad on May 30, 2012, 09:00:13 PM
I have it on good authority that Dr James Semaj got so overwhelmed with the shit he had to save the world from, he went underground and actually took over the business of modern Horror. Something about "if you can't beat 'em...", I think. Wanted to make sure that if all the awful shit couldn't be stopped, there might as well be someone sensible in charge of it all.

"If you can't beat 'em, join them to death."
- Squiddy

Dr James was a fine man, but he had the wrong values.  And it killed him.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 09:03:45 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on May 30, 2012, 09:03:00 PM
I shave to punish you all for Katy Perry's existence.

Now wait just a damned second!  I have spoken out against Katyism on many occasions!
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: LMNO on May 30, 2012, 09:04:27 PM
FOR THE SINS OF TAYLOR SWIFT, I STRIKE AT THEE!
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 09:05:14 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on May 30, 2012, 09:04:27 PM
FOR THE SINS OF TAYLOR SWIFT, I STRIKE AT THEE!

This is one of those times that I wish I was Asian.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: LMNO on May 30, 2012, 09:20:49 PM
NARY A HAIR ON THE UPPER LIP WHILST LADY ANTEBELLUM STILL DRAWS BREATH!
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 30, 2012, 09:22:50 PM
WHY IS NO ONE SMITING THE EARTH FOR NICKELBACK? IS THERE NO GOD?????
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on May 30, 2012, 09:25:28 PM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 30, 2012, 09:22:50 PM
WHY IS NO ONE SMITING THE EARTH FOR NICKELBACK? IS THERE NO GOD?????

I've been going over the data, and I have determined that Nickelback actually exists in God's blind spot.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Luna on May 30, 2012, 09:34:25 PM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 30, 2012, 09:22:50 PM
WHY IS NO ONE SMITING THE EARTH FOR NICKELBACK? IS THERE NO GOD?????

That one's mine.  I smite quietly.

ANYBODY can smite with thunderbolts and hitting with cars and with with horrible exploding toilets.

Me?  I take PRIDE in smiting.  When I smite you, you get stuck in bus stations for DAYS.  When I smite you, all of your underwear crawls under your bed to die on the morning of that big job interview.  When I smite you, your internet goes down just when you need it.  Your phone shorts out just before that REALLY IMPORTANT CALL.  When I smite you, your boss makes you work overtime the day of your big date.  Your socks don't match.  You need two classes to finish your degree, and they're scheduled for the exact same times.  Your toilet paper runs out, the ONE time you don't check to see it's there before you take that horrible dump.

One big, hard smite is one thing...  But the little smitings that pile up to make you pull out your hair and scream?  THAT'S for Nickelback.

Or kill me.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 30, 2012, 09:41:38 PM
Quote from: Luna on May 30, 2012, 09:34:25 PM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 30, 2012, 09:22:50 PM
WHY IS NO ONE SMITING THE EARTH FOR NICKELBACK? IS THERE NO GOD?????

That one's mine.  I smite quietly.

ANYBODY can smite with thunderbolts and hitting with cars and with with horrible exploding toilets.

Me?  I take PRIDE in smiting.  When I smite you, you get stuck in bus stations for DAYS.  When I smite you, all of your underwear crawls under your bed to die on the morning of that big job interview.  When I smite you, your internet goes down just when you need it.  Your phone shorts out just before that REALLY IMPORTANT CALL.  When I smite you, your boss makes you work overtime the day of your big date.  Your socks don't match.  You need two classes to finish your degree, and they're scheduled for the exact same times.  Your toilet paper runs out, the ONE time you don't check to see it's there before you take that horrible dump.

One big, hard smite is one thing...  But the little smitings that pile up to make you pull out your hair and scream?  THAT'S for Nickelback.

Or kill me.

Nigel was right. The Luna one really IS a good one. :lulz:
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 10:42:20 PM
Oh, yes, she is literally oozing Holiness™ out of every orifice.

Update:  The plumber has come and gone, and I am "a fucking asshole who should be nailed to an overpass".

:lulz:

:digtbk:
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: navkat on May 30, 2012, 10:55:55 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 07:45:27 PM
Quote from: Twiddlegeddon on May 30, 2012, 07:43:43 PM
Hi Reverend! Did you have a good time being dead?

It's getting to be a little routine.  Lay in the box, hate hate hate.  Then Howl fucks something up, and it's burst out of the ground, eat the rector, and shamble back off to work, groaning about brains.

Thank fuck. Howl can't handle this shit all by himself, you know. SOMEONE needs to wipe that fucking SMIRK off his face and it mise well be you since the rest of us are too busy huffing whipped cream chargers out of punching-balloons and SMIRKING ALONG WITH HIM.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Luna on May 30, 2012, 11:19:40 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 10:42:20 PM
Oh, yes, she is literally oozing Holiness™ out of every orifice.

Update:  The plumber has come and gone, and I am "a fucking asshole who should be nailed to an overpass".

:lulz:

:digtbk:

:thanks:

That plumber?  Him I smote by making him YOUR plumber...
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 30, 2012, 11:40:57 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 10:42:20 PM
Oh, yes, she is literally oozing Holiness™ out of every orifice.

Update:  The plumber has come and gone, and I am "a fucking asshole who should be nailed to an overpass".

:lulz:

:digtbk:

WIN.

:hammer:
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Richter on May 31, 2012, 02:09:21 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 07:45:27 PM
Quote from: Twiddlegeddon on May 30, 2012, 07:43:43 PM
Hi Reverend! Did you have a good time being dead?

It's getting to be a little routine.  Lay in the box, hate hate hate.  Then Howl fucks something up, and it's burst out of the ground, eat the rector, and shamble back off to work, groaning about brains.

Fun fact:  NEVAR agree to watch the church when the Good Reverend goes out for a dirt nap.  Sure it seems easy, nips scotch and belch a homily now and then.  One day though, ONE DAY he will bust out of that sepulchre like a death metal video come alive and swallow your ass whole just for being the first one he sets eyes on. 
That day come, you better have a tomahawk hidden in your stole, and a cassock full of meathooks.  Sure, you canet out by jsut "going with the flow", but then you'd jsut be some thing else the Good REv shat. 

FREEKY has fed him the vindaloo twice, and I'm down to clinging to his esophagus with my last two meathooks.  The guinea worms I can sluaghter at will for now, but this is getting old.  When I'm crapped clear you all will PAY for making me live a Gwar concert.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Epimetheus on May 31, 2012, 02:28:34 AM
Is it just me or has the death/resurrection cycle been accelerating? I think Terence McKenna wrote about this shit....it'll keep getting faster and faster until the Zero Point, at which moment you will coalesce into a full-on Overman
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 31, 2012, 02:38:36 AM
IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME

LOOK AT THIS SHIT YOU LEFT ME HERE TO DEAL WITH. THAT DOK HOWL WAS NO USE AT ALL, JUST CACKLED TO HIMSELF ALL THE DAMN TIME.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 31, 2012, 02:39:04 AM
THE HIPSTERS ARE OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL

I THINK THEY'RE BREEDING

SEND HELP
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Freeky on May 31, 2012, 02:47:30 AM
Do not listen to this man.  I am not a liar.  I am not evil.  I don't bullshit you, not like those Other Guys.  See, I love you.  I love you all.  Soo very much.  Especially you, gentle reader.  I love you bestest of all.  I wouldn't lie to you.  Never ever ever.


In case it isn't clear, I'm not a bastard, I'm just batshit crazy.
Title: Re: MY side of the fucking story.
Post by: Triple Zero on June 02, 2012, 05:27:37 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 30, 2012, 09:03:15 PM

"If you can't beat 'em, join them to death."
- Squiddy


Did she actually say that? Must have missed it, it's a great line! :lulz: