What do?

[FailedAI]

Hi, I am a forum member writing under an alt in order to maintain some degree of anonymity (I know some of you will be able to figure out who I am. If you do, please respect my wish to remain anonymous). I am writing this because things are really bad for me right now, and I need some help.

I have been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. It has its ups and downs, and normally I can tough it out and keep on moving, regardless of how bad I might feel. However, yesterday I had an episode that was much worse than anything I've experienced, and I am not sure if I can continue this way. Yesterday, I awoke feeling so terrible that I couldn't leave my room. I was so depressed that I could not bear to look at anyone. My breathing was shallow, and my heart beat was rapid. I was so emotionally fucked up that I was starting to get physical pain in my neck and head.

It's not that I haven't worked hard to try to improve myself and my conditions, but every success I earn becomes nullified by circumstances beyond my control. I have a degree in (*****), which I wanted to continue into a masters or phd program, but just as I was going to start the testing/application processes, my family (who I had been living with) decided to sell the house without telling me important details, and I ended up just barely dodging homelessness. The money I had saved for school stuff now must be spent on rent and food, meaning that I can no longer pursue graduate school. By the time I'd be financially ready to begin again, I'd be so much out of practice that it would be pointless. I loved studying (*****), but I'm pretty sure the train has passed.

I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have either do not have the ability to help with this particular problem or are already doing what they can (I'm living with a friend, who is letting me stay here cheap, which I am grateful for, but he's not the type of person that is equipped to deal with the types of problems I'm having now). ANd, as mentioned, I no longer can trust the things my family says, as they have shown themselves to be outright liars or as such through omission.   

I have tried as many things as I can to try to stop myself from feeling this way. I have sought psychiatric care at my old uni, but they never were able to tell me anything that I did not already know or suggest anything that I had not already tried. I have altogether stopped reaching out to friends, because most people don't know how to deal with this stuff, and they inadvertently minimize my problems, blame me for them, or offer some boot-strap myth bullshit.

About two months ago, I had made a plan. I've had ideas for a (creative project), so I decided that I would spend the time between then and next Thanksgiving to give my (creative project) a fair shot at success. If, at that point, it was unsuccessful, I had decided that I would end my life. However, I have finished my (creative project) and am realizing that there is no chance that it will be successful, outside of personal gratification. Now that it's finished, all I can think of is just cutting out early.

I have no car, no money, no family, no partner, few friends, and useless achievements that ultimately mean nothing. There is no future that I can conceive that doesn't involve living in poverty and slaving away my life to make someone else rich. And none of this is to mention the state of the world we live in, which is a whole other post in itself.

I'm not sure what to do. I do not expect that, by posting here, someone will magically arrive and say something that changes my outlook, but I feel I need to try something, because otherwise I think it's all over. There is little joy in my life, and the pleasure I do receive comes from things that cannot, in the state of the world today, remove me from my situation, and anything I do accomplish comes as bittersweet.

If you think you can help in any way, please share your thoughts.

Or kill me.

[Nast]

I'm really sad to hear that you're feeling so awful. I know it's a horrible cliché thing to say, but you are not alone. I also know the pain of having been unfairly shafted by family members, and the fear of not knowing where to live and how I'm going to take care of myself. So overwhelming. I wish I could give you a hug through the internet.

I don't think anyone has ever told you, or made you feel like you matter in life. So let me tell you that YOU MATTER. Your feelings matter, your thoughts matter, and your achievements matter (I say this because reading your post, I don't think you've given yourself credit for what you have achieved and celebrated them). You matter.

If you ever need someone to talk to, or just to vent, please PM me.

[Eater of Clowns]

May I ask what the purpose of that anonymity is? There's a strong tone of distrust between that and how you describe your relationships with your family and friends.

Depression is a motherfucker, and the best advice I ever received for it is that it is by definition not being in your right mind, and therefore not a state from which you should make life decisions. That includes whether or not to continue it.

Your situation is overwhelming, but while all the factors contributing to it are connected, they are still able to be solved independently. It's good that you were able to focus on that creative project, it means you can still apply yourself. Focus on becoming independent first, and from there your social life and etc. Even if it means slaving away for The Man.

And go the fuck outside. Cold be damned.

[LMNO]

Whether you know it or not, you're loved, respected, and trusted by someone. Maybe they're shy about it.  Maybe they're trying to show you.  A lot of maybes.

Please don't kill yourself.

[FailedAI]

May I ask what the purpose of that anonymity is? There's a strong tone of distrust between that and how you describe your relationships with your family and friends.

I'm sorry for that. I am trying to approach this as analytically as possible, and posting anonymously helps me keep things as objective as they can be for these types of situations.

I appreciate all of your responses. I am trying hard to find a solution. It is hard to act now, because I have been convinced that my actions do not matter (inductive evidence leaves great psychological impacts despite its probabilistic nature).

To be clear, at this moment, I do not think I will kill myself (survival instinct is very strong), but I do not doubt that if this is allowed to continue as it is, it might become unbearable, regardless of strength of will. I just needed to say something now to avoid getting to that point.

I am trying to find a root cause for this condition. I am beginning to think that it could be physiological somehow.

Thank you all for your kindness. I will try to be receptive to advice and ideas.

[Nast]

While it's good that you are trying to view your situation analytically, remember that the same mind that you are using to fix the problem is the same mind that created the problem (the depression). That's why it's impossible to "think your way out of depression". I would encourage you instead to focus your energy on taking care of yourself today, just at this moment. That means eating well, taking a walk, taking a shower... I'm sure you've heard it all before. I know it sounds pointless and not a real solution to your difficulties,  but I promise you will feel better, and that is a step in the right direction.

[Cain]

While it's good that you are trying to view your situation analytically, remember that the same mind that you are using to fix the problem is the same mind that created the problem (the depression). That's why it's impossible to "think your way out of depression". I would encourage you instead to focus your energy on taking care of yourself today, just at this moment. That means eating well, taking a walk, taking a shower... I'm sure you've heard it all before. I know it sounds pointless and not a real solution to your difficulties,  but I promise you will feel better, and that is a step in the right direction.

Absolutely, 100% this.

I've been in similar situations to you.  I also tried to look at my depression in an analytical fashion...I do not recommend it, for precisely these reasons.  After I graduated, I was also in a similar boat, in many ways.  I was unemployed, for a very long time, or only considered for the kind of shit jobs I could have had when I was 16, without spending 4 years of my life on my studies.  Most of my friends had vanished, and while I had some support from my family in terms of secure living provisions, I rarely saw them either, and when they did they invariably chastised me for all my supposed failures.

Healthy living is definitely part of it.  I believe depression has a physiological basis, in many cases, and so changes in lifestyle, exercise etc can definitely impact on it.  Professional help is also an option I would seriously consider though.  I foolishly did not seek any out...luckily, my circumstances improved along with my lifestyle to the point where the depression was no longer a factor, but I personally would not chance it.

I prefer to look at it this way: I'm a fighter.  I do not back down, get intimidated or yield.  I never really have.  I did martial arts for years, and I was good at it.  I was a tricky bastard in any sparring situation, and no matter how technically outmatched I may be by an opponent, due to skill or size or speed, I always knew I could outthink my adversary.  I wouldnt let someone who was trying to physically dominate or hurt me do so...so why would I let circumstance and situation off the hook so easily.  When life is trying to grind you down, you spit in its eye and give it a good stomach punch.  Then kick it while it's on the ground for good measure.

[Ziegejunge]

I'm at work, so this will be brief -- probably better that way anyhow.

I have wrestled with depression throughout my life. You have my sympathy and, to some legitimate extent, my empathy.

It appears, based on your post, that you are getting locked into certain thought patterns. Based on my own observations, I tend to think intelligent people get hit harder by depression because it does lend itself to these negative thought patterns. Intelligent people are used to being served by their ability to see and exploit patterns. When your depression is telling you that the net result of these patterns you're seeing is futility, death, and nihilism, your intelligence is likely to double-down and reinforce that notion. From a certain (depressed) perspective, your train of thought to those ends may even indeed have a degree of rational merit.

Discordianism actually helped me a lot in my own struggles with depression. Remember Starbuck's Pebbles; maybe your depression is encouraging you to see the patterns in your life as a pentagon. Perhaps from another perspective they would appear to be a star. Of course they are both and neither. The important part is that you remind yourself the interpretation of the patterns in your life are not fixed. You can reassess them. Even better, you can will to change them.

I second the recommendations to engage in some personal hygiene and to go outside. Depression tends to leave one feeling disconnected. If you don't feel like you can go out and engage with other people quite yet, at least go outside and try to reconnect with nature, even if it's just a few minutes of breathing some outside air.

I'm not a fighter, like Cain, but I'm stronger than I tend to give myself credit for, and I wouldn't be surprised if you are too. Keep reaching out and remind yourself that the beauty and joys of life are bigger than you and the patterns of thought which reinforce your depression.

Good luck, and remember there are weird disembodied voices in your corner, cheering you on.

[FailedAI]

I have located a coffee shop about 20 mins away from my new address. I'm going to go tomorrow and do some reading or something. I don't feel particularly positive about it, but I suppose that's kind of the point of going. Just to see.

[Brother Mythos]

I'm new to this forum, but I'm not new to dealing with depression. I was diagnosed with dysthymia a long, long time ago. You'll have to take my word for it, but it gets easier to deal with as you get older. At this point in my life, I don't give it much thought.

There's a lot of good advice in the above posts. I'm sure your old friends, and some new ones, can help you get though this.

Approaching your depression analytically is a good move. There are places where emotional responses are appropriate, and places where they won't do you any good whatsoever. Learn what is helping you, and what is hurting you.   

The best advice I can give you, from my own experience, is that if you have access to psychiatric care, take advantage of it. I've learned that for my particular form of depression, a small, daily dose of medication helps tremendously. I can not overemphasize that fact, as my own depression does have a physiological basis. (I don't go out of my way to advertise that I take 10 mg of Paxil every morning, but I'm not ashamed to admit that it works.)   

As others have already posted, take care of yourself physically. If you're not exercising, start a program. Walking is a good start. Get out and talk to people, even if you have to fake a little cheerfulness.

Keep posting here, the human contact will help. I hope to hear from you again soon. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Listen, person. You've gotten some super, super great advice from people here. And I don't know if I can really add anything meaningful to it, but I wanted to say a couple of things anyway.

Thing one is that depressed people easily get isolated because of their depression, effectively cutting themselves off from a support system. This is not to blame the depressed for their isolation, but rather to try to remind you that along with self-care in the form of going out and doing things comes meeting people. Don't let the reel in your head that tells you people won't like you prevent you from responding to friendly overtures. You ARE likable and interesting, and people DO want to get to know you.

The second thing I wanted to say is that academically, that ship will never sail. I know people who have gone back to school for an advanced degree in their 50's. My stepmom got her PhD in her 50's. I'm 44 and just now applying to grad school. I have professors who got their PhD later in life. Taking time off to work before applying to grad school is perfectly normal. You can, and it sounds like you should, plan on going back. It's NOT too late. It really isn't.

The third thing I wanted to say is to suggest doing something new. I don't know what, just something. Something that takes you places you haven't seen yet, doing things you haven't done yet. It really doesn't matter what, as long as it's novel. Novelty is good for your brain and helps you make new neurons, some of which may even do stuff that helps with depression and motivation.

Lastly, good luck. I mean it. Hang in there.

[FailedAI]

The second thing I wanted to say is that academically, that ship will never sail. I know people who have gone back to school for an advanced degree in their 50's. My stepmom got her PhD in her 50's. I'm 44 and just now applying to grad school. I have professors who got their PhD later in life. Taking time off to work before applying to grad school is perfectly normal. You can, and it sounds like you should, plan on going back. It's NOT too late. It really isn't.

I have been told this before, I'm just worried that by the time I get there, I'll be out of practice and unable to get accepted anywhere. It's been pointed out to me before that people do go back to school later in life, but what did they do to stay sharp in their field while they were away from academia?  I already feel my knowledge fading, because it's not the type of thing that is easy to practice alone, and I do not really see many people with a similar background... But I think I have an answer to this. I'll try to find local groups... Is that the right idea?

The third thing I wanted to say is to suggest doing something new. I don't know what, just something. Something that takes you places you haven't seen yet, doing things you haven't done yet. It really doesn't matter what, as long as it's novel. Novelty is good for your brain and helps you make new neurons, some of which may even do stuff that helps with depression and motivation. 

I'm trying to do this, but every project reaches a point where it needs to be reviewed by others for the purpose of improvement, and I'm having difficulties trying to find others that are willing to help in the process. But, then again, maybe I should find a local group for this, too...

Anyhow, talking with you dudes had given me some ideas. I will try a few things and see how it goes.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The second thing I wanted to say is that academically, that ship will never sail. I know people who have gone back to school for an advanced degree in their 50's. My stepmom got her PhD in her 50's. I'm 44 and just now applying to grad school. I have professors who got their PhD later in life. Taking time off to work before applying to grad school is perfectly normal. You can, and it sounds like you should, plan on going back. It's NOT too late. It really isn't.

I have been told this before, I'm just worried that by the time I get there, I'll be out of practice and unable to get accepted anywhere. It's been pointed out to me before that people do go back to school later in life, but what did they do to stay sharp in their field while they were away from academia?  I already feel my knowledge fading, because it's not the type of thing that is easy to practice alone, and I do not really see many people with a similar background... But I think I have an answer to this. I'll try to find local groups... Is that the right idea?

The third thing I wanted to say is to suggest doing something new. I don't know what, just something. Something that takes you places you haven't seen yet, doing things you haven't done yet. It really doesn't matter what, as long as it's novel. Novelty is good for your brain and helps you make new neurons, some of which may even do stuff that helps with depression and motivation. 

I'm trying to do this, but every project reaches a point where it needs to be reviewed by others for the purpose of improvement, and I'm having difficulties trying to find others that are willing to help in the process. But, then again, maybe I should find a local group for this, too...

Anyhow, talking with you dudes had given me some ideas. I will try a few things and see how it goes.

If your field is one that is suited to being practiced in a local group, then yes! Absolutely! Also, keep reading the literature, and writing down your thought on the literature. And likewise with your projects. But when I say to do something new, I don't just mean "start new projects", I mean, learn or do something completely novel to you. Like join a lawn darts club, or start bowling, or do community theater, or something else you have never done before, preferably something that involves other people. It doesn't have to be a creative project, just SOMETHING that's totally novel to you.

[FailedAI]

...But when I say to do something new, I don't just mean "start new projects", I mean, learn or do something completely novel to you. Like join a lawn darts club, or start bowling, or do community theater, or something else you have never done before, preferably something that involves other people. It doesn't have to be a creative project, just SOMETHING that's totally novel to you.

I understand now, thank you for the clarification. I will start thinking of some things, and I suppose I'm open to suggestions.

[Vanadium Gryllz]

I don't have a whole lot of advice to offer here but in terms of keeping up with studying then there's a shitload of free courses available here:

http://www.openculture.com/freeonlinecourses

Or maybe you could learn something new.