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GASM: Discordian Bible

Started by Dean, January 27, 2011, 03:33:19 AM

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Dean

I know what you are thinking: We already have a few bibles out there for Discordians. Unless I missed something (distinct possibility) then this is a new idea.

You know how the principia is kind of a collection of crazy shit, and the et cetera is kind of a collection of ... more crazy shit? You know about the Christian bible, how it is a bunch of stories about God or pertaining to God? Why don't we have one of those. A book of stories about Eris and her followers arranged chronologically. Stories like the emperor penguin one, except less crazy and more divine lovey. Stories about Eris in the ancient times and the now times, like a backstory to her supposed death in a bar fight in Medina County, OH.

And for all of you who say "Discordianism shouldn't be this serious!", you are absolutely right. But I think that it would be a pretty cool book to have anyway.

Oh, and this is a GASM because I have nowhere near the literary ability to write this by myself.

Cramulus

that's a cool idea. It would probably involve compiling all the already-written stories about Eris in Discordian Literature.

in the Principia subforum, there's some really good research about the historical worship of Eris.

maybe a good start would be to collect all that stuff, rather than writing new stuff?

LMNO

There's always the legendary Payne Messiah thread, and I think I may have some pretty awesome scripture from Cain from a few years agao.

Cain, would you mind if I reposted, provided I find it?

Prince Glittersnatch III

What if the book was compilation of parodies of different holy texts.

We already have a Chao Te Ching. Im sure we could find a few sections of the Koran worth parody(we already have "There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement"). I also distinctly remember reading a discordian creation myth in the lieu of Genesis. There are more than enough Koans to put together a Buddhist parody too.
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http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/False%20Religions/Other%20Pagan%20Mumbo-Jumbo/discordianism.htm <----Learn the truth behind Discordianism

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Telarus

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tjg92

I like the idea but it should be more than just a collection of pre-existing stuff. I really like the idea of tons of stories about Eris and her doings.

Telarus

We should involve Richter's Bad Ass mythology redux's.
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tyrannosaurus vex

a discordian bible would be cool......

but for a book that huge we'd have to probably figure out wtf the 'discordian document numbering system' actually is, which could be hard work.

we could also take the existing bible (or koran or anything else) and do a quick search & replace on the text to insert discordian philosophy, and claim it is the product of translating more accurate ancient texts.
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

Telarus

Quote from: postvex™ on March 07, 2011, 11:49:37 PM
...we'd have to probably figure out wtf the 'discordian document numbering system' actually is, which could be hard work.

Oh, hadn't you heard. SHE let he in on that secret.

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=27926.0
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El Sjaako

Something I've been working on is a spin-off from an Inca legend. I tried to write it in a kind of Bible-ish style.

QuoteAyar Cachi emerged with his three brothers and four sisters from the cave called Hostel of Dawn.
They set off to find fertile land.
One day Ayar Cachi decided to prank his siblings, and made it appear that he shot down several hills with his sling.
The others were not amused, and decided to get rid of Ayar Cachi.
They sent him back to the Hostel of Dawn, telling him he had to fetch golden vases, a badge, and special seeds.
When Ayar Cachi got back in the cave one of his brothers, with great celerity, closed the entrance behind him with rocks.
Ayar Chachi was imprisoned in this cave for 5 days and 5 nights.
Then Eris appeared, and she gave him freedom and life in return for his eternal devotion and a cigarette.
He went to Pachacamac, 100 days away.
There, on the main square, he spoke to his people:
I have been abandoned by everyone I knew, and the goddess saved me
But the people listened not, for he was just saying stuff. It was the first rejection of Cachi.
Ayar Cachi then started driving in a miniature car shaped like a steam train.
He told the people: See, not just words but deeds! I act in the ways of goddess. Do you beleive me know?
But they did not listen, for he was just some idiot. It was the second rejection of Cachi.
So Ayar Chachi wore five ties.
He said to to people: See, I'm important. I'm wearing five ties, that proves it.
But the people did not listen, for he did not fit their image of authority. It was the third rejection of Cachi.
So Ayar Cachi gave them a powerpoint presentation on Eris and the importance of synergy in the workplace.
But they would not listen, for he was boring. It was the fourth rejection of Cachi.
so he preformed readings from Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable with a discordion playing in the background, in an effort to entertain them.
Put the people would not listen, for it was three in the morning and they wanted to sleep. It was the final rejection of Ayar Cachi.

I'm planning to write more about him (and use this material in something else, but it can be in two works, right? Besides, I'm not even sure I'll finish the something else), but that's what I got.

Telarus

Interesting. After Line 2, you need more "wandering and killing bandits who try to rape their sisters" and shenanigans before he decides to prank them to lighten the mood. Y'know, for that authentic Bible style.


------><-----

I also had an idea that might fit in this thread.

Coke Talk Parables....

We'd probably need to contact her and get her permission.
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El Sjaako

The reason there wasn't more after line two was because it wasn't really about Ayar Cachi as a discordian, but it does make the whole story more biblical. The stuff I have added is pretty much straight from the original myth, except for changes in the good guy/bad guy dynamic (in the original story Ayar Cachi is the bad guy who is cruel and oppresses local people).

Quote
Ayar Cachi emerged with Manco Ccapac and his other two brothers and four sisters from the cave called Hostel of Dawn.
They set off to find fertile land.
Marching together they came to a place called Huanacancha, four leagues from the valley of Cuzco. Here Huanacancha ruled a local king, called Sinchi Cui.
Manco Ccapac gave Sincha Cui a gift of potion he had taken from Ayar Cachi.
Sinchi Cui was then infested with demons, and Mancho Ccapac was forced to kill him.
Mancho Ccapac forced heavy taxes on the people of Huanacancha, and forced firstborn children to fight to death for his entertainment.
Ayar Cachi and his family remained in Huanacancha for some time, using the fertile land.
Manco Ccapac had connection with his sister Mama Occlo, and she became pregnant by him.
As this place did not appear able to sustain them, having become barren, they advanced to another place called Tampu-quiro, where Mama Occlo begot a son named Sinchi Rocca.
Having celebrated the natal feasts of the infant with the sacrifice of a local maiden, they set out in search of fertile land, and came to another place called Pallata, which is almost contiguous to Tampu-quiro, and there they remained for some years.
One day Ayar Cachi decided to prank his siblings, and made it appear that he shot down several hills with his sling.
The others were not amused, and blamed the cruelties Manco Ccapac on Ayar Cachi.
Ayar Cachi's brothers discussed how to get rid of Ayar Cachi.
They sent him back to the Hostel of Dawn, telling him he had to fetch golden vases, a badge, and special seeds.
When Ayar Cachi got back in the cave one of his brothers, with great celerity, closed the entrance behind him with rocks.
etc.

Placid Dingo

#12
Ignore this, accidental post trying to get Telarus's quote.
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