Touched By A Goddess

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

This sums up what bothers me about the OP. Eris isn't busy, Eris doesn't have to do anything, if she's fucking with you it's not for your own good or out of some obligation, it's because it amuses her. Your Eris seems harried and her abuse isn't fun.

[Eater of Clowns]

I found it very unfocused. The abusive driven masturbation fantasy aspect could be funny in an extended gag sort of way if it wasn't played so straight. The protagonist, somehow, seems to win this confrontation, in that he doesn't learn anything (as evidenced by the apple-shaped ass comment) and appears to enjoy the beating and humiliation, which makes Eris essentially useless. She's objectified more through that than she is by being described as some statuesque stripper, because she is only actually there to serve.

If you want to go ahead and argue that Eris wouldn't bother changing her form for the protagonist, whatever, but here she lacks the power to affect even a self described loser. Why does it need to be Eris at all, if you're going to use none of her actual traits? She's just some self help dominatrix with no subtlety.

Actually Eris is a total psychopath by human standards, but not a sadist. In this sequence Eris has no time for subtlety and enters the scene expecting a predator about to lose life AND table. Finding sorry ass Melvin was almost a let down for her. Strife gets to know Melvin, judges him in moments, and finds him wanting but not malignant. She gets, perhaps, carried away and nearly undoes him entirely while 'correcting' him. The gods can be..  unkind.

The Deus ex from the Wizard is meant as a device and a revelation that at least some can hear the psychic assault going on other than Melvin.

In no way did Melvin enjoy his treatment and at the end is no longer the same from his trauma, but he is still a little creeper.

Okay, but what I'm saying is:  Why is this Eris? She isn't displaying behavior typical of her mythological counterpart. She's a psychopath by human standards, which is true of almost all Greek gods, and Eris was was worse than the rest of them, yet here she's teaching some schmuck a lesson because she feels bad for him. If you want non-subtle psycho Eris, why not just murder him, burn down his building, and salt the earth afterward? The only reason we know it's Eris is because the story says "goddess" and "Eris" and that boils down to "It's Eris because I said so."

I heard something at the door and, hesitantly, opened it a crack. There, resting on my doormat, was a gnarled stick. "Oh no, it's the goddess Eris!" I cried. Eris lay there, as sticks do.

I heard something at the door and, hesitantly, opened it a crack. There stood 150 midgets wearing nothing but sausage link boas. "Oh no, it's the goddess Eris!" I cried. Eris twirled her 150 sausage link boas.

I heard something at the door and, hesitantly, opened it a crack. There stood the Bard himself, William Shakespeare. "Oh no, it's the goddess Eris!" I cried. Eris recited Hamlet.

I'm with Roger and Nigel here, just so you know. I think you should keep writing, and I think you should attack this story again. This is just something to consider when you're using really any public domain character. If that character has to behave a certain way for your story, and that behavior is contrary to the original, consider using someone else. Unless it's funny. Funny always gets a pass.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Ok, so this is just a scene in a larger work that has nothing to do with Melvin outside of this scene? I think that perhaps it may be losing some of its intended meaning out of context from the rest of the story.

It surely does. This little piece was something I just started writing spontaneously here on PD. As Melvin's Stockholm Syndrome like obsession grows so does his knowledge of the dark supernatural corners of the world. Of course his state sponsored councilor merely believes Melvin to be slipping into a schizoid delusion.

I've not fully fleshed many of my stories to print, but this bit resides here because this is where it was inspired.

By the way good to see you around Twid!

Good to see you too!

Just a point of clarification, since Melvin shows up again. Is the larger story about Melvin with Eris showing up in a few scenes, or is it about Eris with Melvin showing up in a few scenes? Before this post, I had thought it the latter. I am interested in why Eris needed the table.

[Junkenstein]

This sums up what bothers me about the OP. Eris isn't busy, Eris doesn't have to do anything, if she's fucking with you it's not for your own good or out of some obligation, it's because it amuses her. Your Eris seems harried and her abuse isn't fun.

A great big giant sack of this.

[The Wizard Joseph]

Ok, so this is just a scene in a larger work that has nothing to do with Melvin outside of this scene? I think that perhaps it may be losing some of its intended meaning out of context from the rest of the story.

It surely does. This little piece was something I just started writing spontaneously here on PD. As Melvin's Stockholm Syndrome like obsession grows so does his knowledge of the dark supernatural corners of the world. Of course his state sponsored councilor merely believes Melvin to be slipping into a schizoid delusion.

I've not fully fleshed many of my stories to print, but this bit resides here because this is where it was inspired.

By the way good to see you around Twid!

Good to see you too!

Just a point of clarification, since Melvin shows up again. Is the larger story about Melvin with Eris showing up in a few scenes, or is it about Eris with Melvin showing up in a few scenes? Before this post, I had thought it the latter. I am interested in why Eris needed the table.

What is in my mind for Melvin is more of an expository character. In truth he's a named element more than a character intended to grow. Of course I can change that.

The Goddess Eris does not need the table, the Wizard does. She is under contract to him, and THAT'S a long story I'll get to in time. They are on their way to a convention and the need for the table was overlooked until the last minute. This is on both of them.
The Wizard would happily have gone up for it but Eris strongly insisted... she has a taste for predators.
Again Melvin was not what she anticipated exactly.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Ok, so this is just a scene in a larger work that has nothing to do with Melvin outside of this scene? I think that perhaps it may be losing some of its intended meaning out of context from the rest of the story.

It surely does. This little piece was something I just started writing spontaneously here on PD. As Melvin's Stockholm Syndrome like obsession grows so does his knowledge of the dark supernatural corners of the world. Of course his state sponsored councilor merely believes Melvin to be slipping into a schizoid delusion.

I've not fully fleshed many of my stories to print, but this bit resides here because this is where it was inspired.

By the way good to see you around Twid!

Good to see you too!

Just a point of clarification, since Melvin shows up again. Is the larger story about Melvin with Eris showing up in a few scenes, or is it about Eris with Melvin showing up in a few scenes? Before this post, I had thought it the latter. I am interested in why Eris needed the table.

What is in my mind for Melvin is more of an expository character. In truth he's a named element more than a character intended to grow. Of course I can change that.

The Goddess Eris does not need the table, the Wizard does. She is under contract to him, and THAT'S a long story I'll get to in time. They are on their way to a convention and the need for the table was overlooked until the last minute. This is on both of them.
The Wizard would happily have gone up for it but Eris strongly insisted... she has a taste for predators.
Again Melvin was not what she anticipated exactly.

Well, now I'm interested in what sort of convention Eris and the Wizard are going to.

Do you kinda see what's wrong with this vignette? The focus is Melvin. Nothing wrong with that per se, and in fact would be pretty fucking funny if presented the right way, but no one is interested in Melvin, and the table is incredibly tantalizing. I've never once, before this week, said, "ooohhh.... tell me more about the table."

That's awesome right there. You've gotten me interested in a table. That's not easy. I want to give you a high five right now just for that. But what do Melvin, Eris and the Wizard have to do with the table? Why are any of them related to or more or less interesting than the table?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

At some point in the story, I would recommend Eris eye the table and lick her lips.

But that's just me.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

At some point in the story, I would recommend Eris eye the table and lick her lips.

But that's just me.

And that would be weirdly hot, and definitely intriguing. But why would she do that? What sort of shit and in how many kilograms of shit does Eris give about tables, and more specifically, this particular table? Why does she lick her lips at this table? Should the table be afraid at that?

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

At some point in the story, I would recommend Eris eye the table and lick her lips.

But that's just me.

And that would be weirdly hot, and definitely intriguing. But why would she do that? What sort of shit and in how many kilograms of shit does Eris give about tables, and more specifically, this particular table? Why does she lick her lips at this table? Should the table be afraid at that?

YES

[hooplala]

If the table quivered slightly in response to Eris licking Her lips, I would likely levitate.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

At some point in the story, I would recommend Eris eye the table and lick her lips.

But that's just me.

And that would be weirdly hot, and definitely intriguing. But why would she do that? What sort of shit and in how many kilograms of shit does Eris give about tables, and more specifically, this particular table? Why does she lick her lips at this table? Should the table be afraid at that?

YES

Yes.

YES.


Not to spag up your story, Joe, but have you considered making the TABLE your protagonist?

I once considered, in my more artistic days, writing a story that was from the perspective of a dollar bill, and the adventures that the bill went through.

[hooplala]

At some point in the story, I would recommend Eris eye the table and lick her lips.

But that's just me.

And that would be weirdly hot, and definitely intriguing. But why would she do that? What sort of shit and in how many kilograms of shit does Eris give about tables, and more specifically, this particular table? Why does she lick her lips at this table? Should the table be afraid at that?

YES

Yes.

YES.


Not to spag up your story, Joe, but have you considered making the TABLE your protagonist?

I once considered, in my more artistic days, writing a story that was from the perspective of a dollar bill, and the adventures that the bill went through.

There's a movie like that.  It's called Twenty Bucks, made in 1003.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

At some point in the story, I would recommend Eris eye the table and lick her lips.

But that's just me.

And that would be weirdly hot, and definitely intriguing. But why would she do that? What sort of shit and in how many kilograms of shit does Eris give about tables, and more specifically, this particular table? Why does she lick her lips at this table? Should the table be afraid at that?

YES

Yes.

YES.


Not to spag up your story, Joe, but have you considered making the TABLE your protagonist?

I once considered, in my more artistic days, writing a story that was from the perspective of a dollar bill, and the adventures that the bill went through.

There's a movie like that.  It's called Twenty Bucks, made in 1003.

This is why I left that boring wife of a Music for the harsh reality of science.

[The Wizard Joseph]

I have a more recently inspired story I'm working on in an entirely different style and genre.

When I get time I'll post it. Might even need some input on finishing it.
It is a theological tale that explores the possibility that Eris IS Nyx's daughter and not truly Hera's.

The title is On The Secret Genesis Of Eris. I'll take the time at some point this evening to open a thread and copy what I've got.

[Doktor Howl]

At some point in the story, I would recommend Eris eye the table and lick her lips.

But that's just me.

And that would be weirdly hot, and definitely intriguing. But why would she do that? What sort of shit and in how many kilograms of shit does Eris give about tables, and more specifically, this particular table? Why does she lick her lips at this table? Should the table be afraid at that?

YES

Yes.

YES.


Not to spag up your story, Joe, but have you considered making the TABLE your protagonist?

I once considered, in my more artistic days, writing a story that was from the perspective of a dollar bill, and the adventures that the bill went through.

There's a movie like that.  It's called Twenty Bucks, made in 1003.

That's a really old movie.