It is my sad duty to reports upon the death of a board regular, the political savvy legend Cain. He passed away quietly in his sleep at the ripe old age of 27.
Friends and family close to the young man were asked about the circumstances of his death, described by the coroner as "perfectly clear and ordinary." Nearly unanimously they spoke of a long standing, unspecified medical condition that struck its final blow as he lay in a restful evening in a quiet, secluded, cash-only motel. They would look about hurriedly as though expecting unwelcome guests and urgently repeated that this was a family matter that was best not looked into by other parties. When asked if the police were involved, they vehemently assured me that no, such a thing was left to a higher power. I had no previous knowledge of Cain's associates being such spiritual folk.
Known for his in depth analysis of current events, Cain's online persona became even more secretive and erratic as of late. He was noted for being absent for weeks, months at a time, then updating on a number of websites with a rapid fire series of pieces. Several of them mentioned...REDACTED... Curiously, a wildly different IP address was used for each of these occasions, and then for no longer than a day at a time. It would seem his final days were filled with the world traveling and hunger for culture that would fit such a figure.
I prompted local doctor...REDACTED...for his opinion on the death of such a healthy young man. He insisted, repeatedly, that this sort of thing was...REDACTED...a clear case of "an...er...spontaneous cerebral embolism" before hastily shutting the door.
We'll miss Cain, of course, not only for the insight he provides into our complex web of a world but for the humor and wit he shared with us all. Memorial arrangements will be at the...REDACTED...and his assets. Refreshments are to follow provided by an anonymous well wisher.
I shall miss him. He once made Blair cry.
But I imagine singing "Danny Boy" at the royal wedding was just pushing things too far.
I don't believe it. Cain would never pass away quietly, With his last breath he would have hit the send button, resulting in immediate and total world chaos.
GODDAMNIT why did you bastards kill him? I know it was you!
Too convenient. It's only safe to assume if you THINK he's dead that he's just up to something now.
Cain has only taken a leave of absence in order to secure total world domination. You'll see I'm right when the Royals start trolling TCC.