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Five Blind Men and an Elephant

Started by Reverend Loveshade, August 13, 2008, 02:50:18 AM

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Reverend Loveshade

BloodStar Presents:

Five Blind Men and an Elephant*

being by
Reverend Uncle BadTouch,

Episkopos of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild
who ripped it off from the Hindus/Jainists


(We realize that, in the era of the very late 20th century as this is being written, the title and
content of this story are politically incorrect. We apologize for any discomfort, but ask you to
remember that the original story was created long before political correctness, and is not intended
in any way to be offensive to elephants.)


One day five blind men, who knew nothing of elephants, went to examine one to find out what it
was. Reaching out randomly, each touched it in a different spot. One man touched the side, one an
ear, one a leg, one a tusk, and one the trunk.  Each satisfied that he now knew the true nature of
the beast, they all sat down to discuss it.

"We now know that the elephant is like a wall," said the one who touched the side. "The evidence
is conclusive."

"I believe you are mistaken, sir," said the one who touched an ear. "The elephant is more like a large
fan."

"You are both wrong," said the leg man. "The creature is obviously like a tree."

"A tree?" questioned the tusk toucher. "How can you mistake a spear for a tree?"

"What?" said the trunk feeler. "A spear is long and round, but anyone knows it doesn't move.
Couldn't you feel the muscles? It's definitely a type of snake! A blind man could see that!" said the
fifth blind man.

The argument grew more heated, and finally escalated into a battle, for each of the five had
followers. This became known as the Battle of the Five Armies (not to be mistaken for the one
described by that Tolkien fellow).

However, before they could totally destroy themselves, a blind, self-declared Discordian oracle
came along to see what all the fuss was about. While they were beating the crap out of each other,
she examined the elephant. But instead of stopping after one feel, Eristotle touched the whole thing,
including the tail, which felt like a rope.  "It's just a big animal with big sides, ears, feet, tusk teeth,
nose and a skinny tail," she thought. "What a bunch of fools these guys are."

Then Eristotle said, "Stop! I have discovered the truth. I know who is right."

She being an oracle and all, they stopped and listened and said, "tell us!"

"I have examined the elephant with mine own two hands," she said, "and I find that you are all
right."

"How can this be?" they asked. "Can an elephant be a wall and a fan and a tree and a spear and a
snake?" And they were sorely confused.

Eristotle explained "the elephant is a great Tree, and on this tree grow leaves like great Fans to give
most wondrous shade and fan the breeze. And the branches of this tree are like Spears to protect it.
For this is the Tree of Creation and of Eternal Life, and the Great Serpent hangs still upon it.

"Unfortunately, it is hidden behind a great Wall, which is why it was not discovered until this very
day. It cannot be reached by normal means.

"However I, in my wisdom, have discovered a Most Holy Rope, by which the wall may be climbed.
And if one touches the tree in the proper manner which I alone know, you will gain Eternal Life."

They all became highly interested in this, of course.

Eristotle then named an extremely high price for her services (Eternal Life doesn't come cheap),
and made quite a bundle.



Moral: Anyone can lead blind men to an elephant, but a Discordian can charge admission.
"Threats should not be tolerated. They're demeaning, they're violations to human rights and no one deserves them."

-- navkat, 20 June 2007, principiadiscordia.com

Reverend Loveshade

"This story by Reverend Uncle BadTouch has appeared in the 1995 online Non-Existent Apocrypha Discordia, the 2001 Apocrypha Discordia (which is a distinct work--this is the only story common to both of them), Apocrypha Diskordia (German Version of the 2001 work), Book of Eris, Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht, and Principia Harmonia. It is also the subject of a commentary by Al Barger, candidate for the United States Senate.  It has been released into the public domain."

I would like to clarify that this story, which also appears on Baron von Hoopla's site, does not technically appear in ED:TToS as the book is not yet completed, but it is planned for the work.
"Threats should not be tolerated. They're demeaning, they're violations to human rights and no one deserves them."

-- navkat, 20 June 2007, principiadiscordia.com

East Coast Hustle

Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

Golden Applesauce

When I tell the elephant story, one man announces that the elephant consists is a nothing more than a protein sheath around a segment of RNA that causes disease, another that the elephant is about four inches long with pronounced incisors and powerful rear legs for jumping, another that the elephant has a tough fibrous body which converts uses sunlight to convert CO2 into sugars, another that an elephant is a gently pulsing blob of slime, and the last that it is a crystal lattice of sodium and chloride ions.

I really don't like syncretionists.
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A: We have hired a number of FORMER 8th graders.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Quote from: Reverend Uncle BadTouch on August 13, 2008, 02:51:07 AM
"This story by Reverend Uncle BadTouch has appeared in the 1995 online Non-Existent Apocrypha Discordia, the 2001 Apocrypha Discordia (which is a distinct work--this is the only story common to both of them), Apocrypha Diskordia (German Version of the 2001 work), Book of Eris, Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht, and Principia Harmonia. It is also the subject of a commentary by Al Barger, candidate for the United States Senate.  It has been released into the public domain."

I would like to clarify that this story, which also appears on Baron von Hoopla's site, does not technically appear in ED:TToS as the book is not yet completed, but it is planned for the work.

Nobody fucking cares. Besides, didn't you steal that version of the story from Camden Benares? Fucking lamer.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


Requia ☣

Uncle BadTouch: You are a useless prick, your story is lame moralizing, and the ending could be seen from a mile away.
Inflatable dolls are not recognized flotation devices.

The Littlest Ubermensch

You know when someone makes an ass out of themselves by trying way too hard to "fit in"? You're doing that, and it's been happening again and again. Everybody notices.

You know what makes it even more pathetic? When it's done by someone who's clearly too god damn old for that and it's been going on for AT LEAST 13 years. That story was first published in 1995, and you've managed to look back at it 13 years later and still go "it would be a good idea to show this to the world." You're quite the little bundle of change and growth, aren't you?
[witticism/philosophical insight/nifty quote to prove my intelligence to the forum]

LISTEN TO MY SHOW THURSDAY 5-7 EST

THEN GO TO MY MYSPACE

BADGE OF HONOR

The Jerk On Bike rolled his eyes and tossed the waffle back over his shoulder--before it struck the ground, a stout, disconcertingly monkey-like dog sprang into the air and snatched it, and began to masticate it--literally--for the sound it made was like a homonculus squatting on the floor muttering "masticate masticate masticate".

BADGE OF HONOR

lol this piece of shit is 13 years old?
The Jerk On Bike rolled his eyes and tossed the waffle back over his shoulder--before it struck the ground, a stout, disconcertingly monkey-like dog sprang into the air and snatched it, and began to masticate it--literally--for the sound it made was like a homonculus squatting on the floor muttering "masticate masticate masticate".

Triple Zero

Quote from: Rabid Badger of God on August 13, 2008, 07:47:22 AM
lol this piece of shit is 13 years old?

well, duh!

if it's not 13 years old, Uncle BadTouch wouldn't touch it.

:rimshot:
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

fomenter

"So she says to me, do you wanna be a BAD boy? And I say YEAH baby YEAH! Surf's up space ponies! I'm makin' gravy... Without the lumps. HAAA-ha-ha-ha!"


hmroogp

That One Guy

So he took one of the older, better-known Sufi/Hindi/Islamic parables, changed the labels and slapped some "Discordian" crap onto it, and is now claiming it as his own - and potentially selling it?

Yeah ...
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

Arguing with a Unitarian Universalist is like mud wrestling a pig. Pretty soon you realize the pig likes it.

hooplala

Hmmm.  I must have been having a slow week.
"Soon all of us will have special names" — Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." — Bob Dylan?

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Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
— Walt Whitman

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: triple zero on August 13, 2008, 11:44:41 AM
Quote from: Rabid Badger of God on August 13, 2008, 07:47:22 AM
lol this piece of shit is 13 years old?

well, duh!

if it's not 13 years old, Uncle BadTouch wouldn't touch it.

:rimshot:

WIN.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
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- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Reverend Loveshade

Quote from: Golden Applesauce on August 13, 2008, 04:40:43 AM
When I tell the elephant story, one man announces that the elephant consists is a nothing more than a protein sheath around a segment of RNA that causes disease, another that the elephant is about four inches long with pronounced incisors and powerful rear legs for jumping, another that the elephant has a tough fibrous body which converts uses sunlight to convert CO2 into sugars, another that an elephant is a gently pulsing blob of slime, and the last that it is a crystal lattice of sodium and chloride ions.

I really don't like syncretists. (fixed)

Now that's a version of the story not even I've heard.  Cool.
"Threats should not be tolerated. They're demeaning, they're violations to human rights and no one deserves them."

-- navkat, 20 June 2007, principiadiscordia.com