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Board Suicide 101

Started by Zurtok Khan, July 31, 2005, 06:58:58 AM

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Zurtok Khan

The problem with most Message Board Suicides (MBS) is that most people leave the traditional and appropriate things out.  Those whom you are attempting to make feel guilty need to feel the lows of the depression to which they have pushed you.  

Forgetting to add things such as, "No one understands me, and the only people I've ever reached out to just wanted to anally rape me with sporks."  really tends to leave the reader without feeling the emotion.  Remember, creativity is always a good thing!  Emo music is your friend (and it is recommended that you listen to as much Emo music as you can before witting the final draft of your note).

One should always describe the act of self desecration that one is going to preform.  Instead of leaving it at "I'm going to go slit my wrists now."  One truly needs to say, "I am going to go grab the largest knife I can find and kill my little dog* (the only being in the universe who loves me, unlike you fucktards!!!)  with it, then I will drench myself in his blood and slit my wrists from wrist to elbow while screaming 'SATAN TAKE ME' at the top of my lungs, until the Dark Lord himself comes to take me."  This really does add to the guilt factor, knowing how far you were pushed so that you could plan out such a terrible death for yourself just adds that nice little polish to any MBS.

There are two schools of thought on listing the names of the people who pushed you to your suicide.  They are (obviously) to name, or not to name.  When one chooses to name the culprits of ones despair it makes those people feel extra guilty, this is the depth approach (it also has the added benefit of making everyone else on the board hate those people!).  When one chooses to say something to the effect of, "I won't name who it is, but you know who you are!" then one puts a small bit of guilt into everyone on the board, this is the breadth approach.  It is also possible to take a middle of the road approach, but not recommended as that diffuses the full force of the guilt, resulting in a lessened overall guilt level.

Please consider these things carefully in your next MSB note.  Remember, if other people don't feel guilty about it, then your death was as worthless as you are.  You dirty little piece of motherfucking shit.

*No cute little puppy dogs were murdered in the witting of this article.  That was saved until afterwards.
Resistance is Fertile.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-Mark Twain

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
-Mark Twain

Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy

What you really needed to write was Flouncing 101.

BADGE OF HONOR

The Jerk On Bike rolled his eyes and tossed the waffle back over his shoulder--before it struck the ground, a stout, disconcertingly monkey-like dog sprang into the air and snatched it, and began to masticate it--literally--for the sound it made was like a homonculus squatting on the floor muttering "masticate masticate masticate".

Bella

Hey Khan, if I ever decide to write a board suicide note, can I run it by you before actually posting it?
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy

Quote from: SssBella, Oracle of DoomHey Khan, if I ever decide to write a board suicide note, can I run it by you before actually posting it?

If you ever do a board suicide, I suspect you are going to take out a lot of people first.  And yeah, in a creepy dark poetic something sort of way, he did a good job :shock:  :twisted:

Zurtok Khan

Why of course Bella, I'll be more then happy to proof read and give you a few pointers.

And, thank you =)
Resistance is Fertile.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-Mark Twain

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
-Mark Twain

Bella

Quote from: Zurtok KhanWhy of course Bella, I'll be more then happy to proof read and give you a few pointers.
Cool. It's a deal - I won't kill my internet-self unless/until you proof read my suicide note.

Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyIf you ever do a board suicide, I suspect you are going to take out a lot of people first. And yeah, in a creepy dark poetic something sort of way, he did a good job  
Me? You suspect sweet little ol' me of taking other people down with me?
Guess you know me better than I thought, huh?

ps: Creepy dark poetic somethings are the best, don't you think?
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

illusion

This is great stuff. Seriously.

I've been plotting to off someone else and leave a fake MBS note behind to cover my tracks.  But I just couldn't figure out how to write a totally killer flounce. Do you reckon it would be overkill if I were to name myself as the person who drove my victim to offer themselves up to the Dark Lord? Then I could go into pretend spasms of crying and wailing and beg y'all to forgive me.  8)

illusion

ps: I need someone to practice on. Are there any volunteers?

East Coast Hustle

Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

illusion

Really? :twisted:

It'll take a while to make my preparations.
In the meantime, you just go about your business and pretend you don't know you're about to be a victim, okay?

gnimbley

We have a twelve step program for that, Illusion. $39.95

illusion

You do? Wow! Where can I sign up?

East Coast Hustle

Quote from: illusionReally? :twisted:

It'll take a while to make my preparations.
In the meantime, you just go about your business and pretend you don't know you're about to be a victim, okay?

yeah. I think I'm contractually obligated as long as I'm wearing this black hat.

8)
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

illusion

Take that hat off right now! You have to at least pretend to be an innocent martyr that everyone hates for no reason.
Otherwise people will suspect that it was actually a murder and not a suicide.

I know these things because I work in the court system.