Rant 46: the Land of F.A.

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rant 46
The Land of F.A.

,ÄúIf you hit a man over the head with a fish, he,Äôll have a headache for a day. But if you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish, he can have headaches for the rest of his life.,Äù
-from the Apocrypha Discordia

,ÄúWhat the hell do I care?,Äù
-Common American Saying around the beginning of the 21st Century

,ÄúYou,Äôre either with us, or you,Äôre for the terrorists.,Äù
-President GW Bush, in a speech about wealth and power that heavily plagiarized Bill Clinton

,ÄúDamn! These fuckers are good!,Äù
-Tequilarius Malignatus, on Cuban cigars

,ÄúSalvation is on sale for a limited time only.,Äù
-Big JC, on His exclusive contract with the Church of the Subgenius

,ÄúMan, you can,Äôt trust whitey,Ñ¢. Whitey,Äôll come yell ,Äúfire,Äù and get you to run outside of your homes in terror, and then move in and change the locks on your doors.,Äù
¬¨-Duo (famous Roger,Äôs Park open-mic poet)

My fellow Discordians, I am pissed off. So pissed off, that only the laughter of Eris, the muddling interference of the Omnibenevolent  Polyfather, and the love of my sweet girlfriend has kept me from burning up whatever I see. Why am I pissed?

I am pissed because I am swimming in a sea of stupidity in a society of yahoos who know nothing better than to act out their DUMB frustrations on anyone they see fit,Ķanyone who doesn,Äôt fit their idea of false pretenses and melodramatic playacting,Äîthe twin pillars of our Global Market village. You know about the blatant and obvious yahoos, whether of the small town redneck variety, or of the ghettoized in-da-hood urban sort. But have you looked around you and actually seen that the majority of people running around acting sophisticated and worldly seem to be running on empty brain cells, as if they are not really there,Ķas if they are mere phantoms pretending to be humans of any merit?

The society I live in, controlled by the Unistat Empire, which has replaced the terminally ill former Republic, has gone to shit faster than a bowl of moldy black beans and tabasco in a drunk man,Äôs intestines. And its leaders, intellectuals, artists, activists, and supposed religious role models have, what we Purple Monkeys call, the ,Äòshits-of-the-mouth,Äô. In the meantime, while all this mental diarrhea is being spouted, the rest of the population is content to maim, thwart, and kill one another, if not doing the same things to other nations. And what do the so-called problem solvers have to say about all this? Absolutely fuck all! Sure they,Äôre talking and saying quite a lot,Ķ that amounts to, you guessed it, absolutely fuck all. So I have awoken to the realization that I live in the Land of Fuck All. Yeah, you heard me, Fuck All.

The Land of Fuck All is an insidious place where both DUMB and DOOM are combined in a great matrix of mutually satisfactory social masturbation and abuse. We create the products for the Masters of DUMB and DOOM and yet, have to buy them back with the money the Masters allow us, and yet we feel duly rewarded in this great con-job otherwise known as the Economy,Ñ¢. We consume the products and services that destroy the world we live in and cause the conditions of human degradation, all the while pointing our fingers at someone else,Ķendlessly passing the buck around with our Not Me,Ñ¢ attitudes, all the while considering ourselves important and self-reliant,Ñ¢. We allow our so-called leaders to spit on our social contracts and laws, all the while believing ourselves bound to them. We blindly assert our intelligence and advancements as we overstuff ourselves on shoddy food-crap that destroys our bodies and then we have the audacity to blame the makers of the food-crap for selling it to us. We have no aspirations beyond stupid SUVs, football games, and television, and yet think this somehow makes us special enough to want to be able to ,Äòfind ourselves,Äô. (Shit! Go look in a mirror if you think you lost yourself. If you don,Äôt like what you see, blame that fucker,Ñ¢ staring right back out at you.) This, frankly amounts to the twin aspects of FUCK ALL: Fuck All, as in ,Äòworth absolutely shit,Äô, and Fuck All, as in ,Äòwe don,Äôt care, we will fuck(over) all,Äô.

While you were out keeping an eye on the Land of Thud, the Land of Fuck All went up into your homes and changed your fucking locks on you. And now you have to put-out in order to get a set of the new keys. You can play along and do the deed of whatever it is you have to do in order to be let back in, or you can burn the fucking place down. Or you can find some other solution that I myself in my pissed-off state can,Äôt see yet.

My fellow Discordians, are we going to keep participating in DUMB and DOOM all the while allowing Fuck All to keep doing this to us? Or will we Fuck Back? When in doubt,Ķfuck it! Look around you, and you,Äôll know the score. While you were asleep, or out playing sink, some us have been waging some of the most active engagements in Operation Mindfuck since Eris brought down the Roman Empire through the twin powers of the Christian Prank,Ñ¢ and the rogue bands of drunken Germanic people. And ,Äúwhy?,Äù, you ask. Because the end is very fucking well nigh right now. If this stinking ship is sinking, then some of us who can swim are blowing holes in the bobdamned hull. Why are we hastening the ship,Äôs demise? Because it has already run into the shallows, and the stupid fucks who run things still believe they can steer it. If you can,Äôt swim in shallow waters, then fucking wade to shore. And be quick about it, because as soon as I dry myself off, I am setting the bobdamned thing on fire and starting a barbecue. I can,Äôt fucking believe that the Masters of DUMB and DOOM have duped us into giving up our solid land for their fucking slave ship anyway. But that,Äôs neither here nor there,Ķit,Äôs right in your face.

You can cry, you can laugh, you can worry,Ķbut I hope to Eris that you,Äôll at least for once look around you and realize you don,Äôt have to put up with any of this crap. Hell, you don,Äôt even have to put-out anymore for your bobdamned cookies. Bake your own cookies for Eris sake!

If you find yourself in a shitstorm, pass it the fuck along!

Hail Eris! I,Äôll burn the whole damned Land of Fuck All down, or get very drunk and hung-over trying. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

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(Confusion 58, 3170 / July 23rd (Ha!), 2004)

Kallisti!

[namu]

I wish I had your talent back when I was having speech courses. That would have woken up them all.