Fucked Up Mailing List 2011: Round 2

[Jenne]

  Now you know why I got so squishy inside after reading it.  TOTALLY MADE MY WEEK! 

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I have not sent my response yet as I still have to print it out. I am also intending on sending something else back with it. I hope to have the letter on its way to Tucson no later than Tuesday.

[Suu]

I think I might write you a letter, Dok. I need some prosaic therapy.

[Doktor Howl]

Squid hasn't talked to me since she got her letter.   

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Squid hasn't talked to me since she got her letter.   

It must have been REALLY GOOD! 

[Doktor Howl]

Squid hasn't talked to me since she got her letter.   

It must have been REALLY GOOD! 

It's already posted, upthread.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Squid hasn't talked to me since she got her letter.   

It must have been REALLY GOOD! 

It's already posted, upthread.

Maybe she's still recovering her ability to formulate thoughts.

[Payne]

Squid hasn't talked to me since she got her letter.   

She's probably too busy stuffing her husband into a strong enough box. That shit can be hard work.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

My response should be there on wednesday

[Doktor Howl]

Cram's & Khara's have NOT been mailed yet.  They are apparently on the passenger seat of my jeep.

Alty's & Eve's have been delayed a bit, due to no sleep and other shit, but will be forthcoming this week.

[bds]

I just got mine today. It's funny you should mention Bachmann really -- we're doing US Politics in class at the moment, and it seems the more I learn about her, the more disgusted (also amazed and amused) I get. I'm going to attempt a response, btw, but it'll take a while for postage and all that.

[Doktor Howl]

BDS,

Thought I'd get this letter out before the state of Arizona goes completely up in flames.  Interestingly enough, in a desert, your principle dangers are fire and floods.  The two together, of course, are particularly amazing...First the fire burns off all the ground cover that would slow down a flood, then the summer rains come and everyone drowns.

Just another spring in the best little state in America™. 

Consider yourself fortunate...You live in Britain, which isn't on any fault lines, is too soggy to burn, and is no longer in danger from pillaging Saxons and Vikings.  It sounds like heaven, come to think of it, only with bad cooking and warm beer with hairy bits of pond life in it.  You have no idea how lucky you are.

Hell, even your politicians are only lousy, not "batshit insane".  Over here, the republicans probably WILL run Palin/Bachmann, which both cracks me up, and fills me with an unholy, misanthropic glee.  It's sort of like the tribes of Israel beating themselves to death before God could get around to it, you know?

Perversity, Dr Pook, nothing but perversity.  The American People couldn't vote their own interests if you stapled the answer to their fat, angry faces.  It seems that the great experiment has failed, and you Brits should probably put a stop to it, before we breed any more bloated idiots (We're not fooled about the whole "revolution" thing, by the way.  It's fucking obvious that Cornwallis was sandbagging, and that this was all a big set up).

Serious about this.  The experiment has hopped over the ring of penicillin around the petri dish, and has begun infecting Canada and the rest of the Commonwealth.  Count how many McDonalds are around you, if you need evidence.  Soon, you too will be up to your arses in land-whales, their mobility scooters whining in distress at every uphill grade, as they bellow out demands for your assistance in getting their snack food. 

Eventually, they begin to pile up at low points in the road, and the stench is unbelievable.  It's like having a dozen beluga whales beached in mid-summer (Summer, for you Brits, is the time period that the rest of the world has between spring & fall.), and as we found out in California, you can't even dynamite them.  They just have to be left to rot.  Horrible, horrible.

There's also appearances to consider.  Remember that this is the nation that elected Bush once for a laugh, and then again because the joke never got old.  We followed that with The Smiler, who does the exact same things, only with a big smile instead of a smirk. 

All of the above has convinced me that the republic is a failed experiment, as it deviates just a little too far from the regular pack structure of primate politics.  And the teabaggers...They're just embarrassing, really.

The teabaggers, seen from up close, are a little hard to explain. 

Imagine if your Gran went a little dotty in her old age, and decided that she really, really hated your local city council.  Imagine then that she got a pack of other senile old folk formed into a mob, and they all went down to the council chambers, protesting the fact that British Petroleum has to pay too many taxes.  Imagine also that all of their signs were spelled badly, and that they howled in rage every time they thought they were on camera, looking like nothing so much as a pack of toothless, overweight apes screeching at a perceived threat to their territory.

Now imagine a pack of these in every town in England.  Better yet, imagine the BNP gaining a majority in the House of Commons after chewing on lead-based paint chips for a while.  That's basically what happened here, and nobody can seem to explain it.  It's like all 301,000,000 of us went barking mad all at the same time.  Our House of Representatives is composed for the most part of people who know they have to out-whackjob the clowns in the street, just to keep their jobs.

Even more ghastly, the "ideals" of the teabaggers have spread to Canada, primarily Ontario and British Columbia, as evidenced by their last national elections.  This implies, Dr Pook, that madness of this sort is contagious.  So far, there is no cure, and the only thing saving us is that most of them are too large to move very often, so their rallies now typically consist of about 30 people. 

They still vote, though...And if that's not an argument against mob rule, then I don't know what is.

So quit fucking about, put an end to this nonsense, and send the Royal Navy around to take the colonies back.  Not joking here, if I could go back in time to 1776, I'd kick Jefferson up Madison's arse and tell the rest of that lot to go home and shut the fuck up.  Even crazy King George III was better than what this has turned into.

One word of warning, though...I'd pass laws against quartering troops in American's houses.  We've gotten a little strange while you've been gone, and the last thing you want is your soldiers falling prey to us while they sleep.  There's not an American alive that wouldn't take advantage of that situation, and get all weird on your troops.  Your hospitals would be bursting with post traumatic stress disorder cases, and those would be the LUCKY ones.  The rest would never be seen again.

Just a head's up.

Okay for now,
Dok

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Doktor Semaj,

Do not suppose that it has escaped my attention that you have been noticeably absent from the board.  Given that there's nothing else to do in the frozen Canadian province of Pennsylvania, I have to assume that you're up to something unsavory.

Obviously, I am on board with this, but give a brother a hint, will you?

I mean, I'd hate to unveil my latest engine of DOOM, only to find out that you've already done the same thing or hit the same targets.  Why duplicate our efforts, or compete?  I mean, there's plenty of orphans for everybody, and that can only increase as the new abortion laws go through.

I am against those, to the same degree that I am against those people walking, mostly because I am FOR anything that reduces the population.  There are in fact so many people that if we DON'T go all muhaha once in a while, they'll choke on their own shit.  It's win-win. 

But to do this properly, I am thinking we need an airship.  Or a secret underground lair.  Or ninjas.  Or all of the above.  If you're going to do this sort of thing, you may has well show a little class while doing so.

In any case, as inspiration for pulp shenanigans, I offer the following titles for your consideration:

Doktor Sleepless (1-13, first 8 are in a trade paperback), Warren Ellis
Captain Swing (1-3, final issue #4 due out whenever), Warren Ellis
Planetary (4 trade paperbacks), Warren Ellis
Global Frequency (2 trade paperbacks), Warren Ellis
Crooked Little Vein (Novel), Warren Ellis
Preacher (a bunch of trade paperbacks), Garth Ennis

Chinatown (movie starring Jack Nicholson)
The Two Jakes (sequel to Chinatown)
Angel Heart (movie starring Mickey Rourke)

That should be enough to revitalize your mission, should it prove to be the case that you are simply being a couch blob, WoW junkie, etc.  Be advised that the ages of 18-30 are the most dangerous time in a person's life.  That used to be because people of that age did stupid fun things, with no regard for their wellbeing.  Now it's because people of that age turn into drones, mere food tubes, who slowly grow attached to their couch, and whose circle of acquaintances slowly shrinks down to maybe one or two people at maximum, both of whom will also be useless drones.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Just look around the awful little town you live in.  Does anyone look happy?  Aside from young people in love - who don't know any better - my guess is that most of them are, instead, complacent.  They've been tricked their whole lives into thinking that the best times are ahead, not in the present, and if they slow down to smell the roses, the fnords will eat them.

By the time they realize that they've been lied to their whole lives, they are bitter old folks who are still invested in the system, because they can't face the idea that they wasted their lives.  Typically, they can be seen at "town hall" meetings, practicing their "angry town hall face" and screaming for tax relief for their betters.

And people wonder why I chose to be a villain.  Sure, we always wind up dying - or appearing to die - in our secret bases, our plans ruined and our lackeys dead, but until that happens we have FUN.

Remember fun?  It's what you had before you started worrying so damn much.

Funny part is, there's no need to worry.  You really ARE fucked.  Just as a parachutist stops being afraid once he's actually out of the airplane, there's no reason to be afraid now...Since you're already fucked, you may as well enjoy the ride.

So stop worrying about tomorrow...Unless you have a way to make the primates start breeding, or making sound financial moves, or something along those lines, you are powerless to control your fate, so my advice to you is to start enjoying what you have now, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.

You're living in the tail end of a golden age, in fact THE golden age, the only time in history that was fit for human beings.  Your best bet is to enjoy your trinkets and toys while you have them, and perhaps occasionally punish the pig-fuckers who are doing their best to wreck it all.

So, there, I said it.  The best way to be a hero nowadays is to be a villain.  Surprise!  You've been backing the wrong horse all this time, for two reasons:

1.  People don't want to be saved, and they'll kill you if you try, because

2.  The dangers to the world today are caused by THEIR excesses and stupidity.

That's right.  It isn't Fu Manchu or the Red Skull.  It isn't even Halliburton and companies like it.  It's the stupidity, greed, and complacency of the very people you wish to protect.  Muhaha!

Okay for now,
Dok

[Suu]

I started writing your letter today at the beach, Dok.  I was observing what you were saying about too much nature, and felt the need to comment.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Cram's & Khara's have NOT been mailed yet.  They are apparently on the passenger seat of my jeep.

Alty's & Eve's have been delayed a bit, due to no sleep and other shit, but will be forthcoming this week.

I hope my mailman recovers......