Twid writes your obituary

[EK WAFFLR]

I lied.

NOUVELLE-VERSAILLES, REPUBLIQUE FRANCAISE, COLONIE DE GROOMBRIDGE 1618-D

[Translated into English for further research purposes]

IRON, Waffle

Waffle Iron, a 21st Century subject of the former Norwegian monarchy and went missing in 2024, was found during a scientific expedition on Groombridge Department. He would have been 42 when he went missing. The bizarre find was confirmed to be Mr. Iron through genetic analysis and tattoo reconstruction, but interestingly, aside from the fact that humans were incapable of interstellar travel at the time, carbon dating confirms that the cadaver dates to the 9th century of the Common Era. There is currently no plausible explanation as to how he went back in time and to another planet, or how he managed to survive, judging from telomeric degradation, to the age of approximately 185, or how he acquired an extra set of nipples, but he can finally be put to rest in the traditional Norse fashion of freeze drying and compaction into a perfect cube 1 centimetre each dimensional length, dyed magenta, and draped in yellow polyester. His direct descendants are expected to officiate.

You, sir, are a GENIUS

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I lied.

NOUVELLE-VERSAILLES, REPUBLIQUE FRANCAISE, COLONIE DE GROOMBRIDGE 1618-D

[Translated into English for further research purposes]

IRON, Waffle

Waffle Iron, a 21st Century subject of the former Norwegian monarchy and went missing in 2024, was found during a scientific expedition on Groombridge Department. He would have been 42 when he went missing. The bizarre find was confirmed to be Mr. Iron through genetic analysis and tattoo reconstruction, but interestingly, aside from the fact that humans were incapable of interstellar travel at the time, carbon dating confirms that the cadaver dates to the 9th century of the Common Era. There is currently no plausible explanation as to how he went back in time and to another planet, or how he managed to survive, judging from telomeric degradation, to the age of approximately 185, or how he acquired an extra set of nipples, but he can finally be put to rest in the traditional Norse fashion of freeze drying and compaction into a perfect cube 1 centimetre each dimensional length, dyed magenta, and draped in yellow polyester. His direct descendants are expected to officiate.

You, sir, are a GENIUS

I looked up a K-class star, just for you. No known exoplanets so far, but it's 16 light years away.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Tragically, I passed on in a freak dog-walking accident last Saturday...

You're Holist judging from your profile, correct?

[Suu]

PORTSMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE, MONROE REPUBLIC SUU, Kao

Kao Suu, an Industry Professional prior to the blackout, was executed by firing squad for sedition by the Monroe Republic. A decorated officer in the Monroe Militia, she struck fear into the hearts of the enemies both foreign and domestic, and despite having ties with the Georgia Republic, pledged her allegiance to the legitimate continuance of government in New England and Midatlantic States. Her allegiances were swayed to treason and sabotage through sentimental ties and nostalgic notions of the way things should be. It is with heavy heart that the Monroe Republic must say a bitter goodbye to such a heroine, who fell by the wayside.

[Reginald Ret]

These are Genius!
Kill me next!

[Dildo Argentino]

Tragically, I passed on in a freak dog-walking accident last Saturday...

You're Holist judging from your profile, correct?

Yes, please!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

These are Genius!
Kill me next!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

These are Genius!
Kill me next!

Huh that was weird.... my phones acting a bit funky, might have to wait till I get home

[Doktor Howl]

I just felt this might help.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

 

AMSTERDAM, NORTH HOLLAND RET, Reg

Reginald Ret illegally immigrated to Heaven in the early hours of Friday, 6 November 2014 after dying of thirst after the next Dutch person scheduled to relieve him of his finger in the dam crack obligations caught a bad case of Americanitis and decided to say "fuck this job, I'm going to smoke weed and visit a brothel." He was 31, and almost old enough to no longer be eligible for dam duty. His final words are said to have been "how is it that Amsterdam is our capital but the seat of government is the Hague?" He is the only Dutchman to have died while on dam duty. As a result, he has been posthumously awarded the Military William Order and King Willem-Alexander is personally seeing to repairing the crack by creating a statue of Reg with its finger in the crack. Reg's ashes will be interred underneath it and a bed of tulips planted around it, and 6 November has been declared a bank holiday.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

LONDON, ENGLAND ARGENTINO, Dodo

Itinerant Hungarian and minstrel, Dodo Argentino has been pulled from the Thames after attempting to walk too many dogs for 10 quid a dog. The dogs were fine and all returned to their appropriate homes, as dogs are wont to do when they get hungry. He leaves behind a wife and children, as well as a number of advertisement jingles and a difficult to understand series of webcomics. His service will be held by the banks of the Thames so that those who knew him could absorb his memories from the water he drowned in, as his belief was that water remembers things that are put in it.

[Dildo Argentino]

LONDON, ENGLAND ARGENTINO, Dodo

Itinerant Hungarian and minstrel, Dodo Argentino has been pulled from the Thames after attempting to walk too many dogs for 10 quid a dog. The dogs were fine and all returned to their appropriate homes, as dogs are wont to do when they get hungry. He leaves behind a wife and children, as well as a number of advertisement jingles and a difficult to understand series of webcomics. His service will be held by the banks of the Thames so that those who knew him could absorb his memories from the water he drowned in, as his belief was that water remembers things that are put in it.

And a thank you!

[LMNO]

Okay, okay.  Count me in.  Or out.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Okay, okay.  Count me in.  Or out.

I've got one in mind. Will post in the afternoon

[Nephew Twiddleton]

BOZEMAN, MONTANA PANCE, Alpha

Boston refugee and drummer, Alpha "LMNO" Pance, was hired by Spirit World, Inc's indecipherable memo department. A sensible man, he decided at the onset of the Gogira Ascension Event that laid waste to much of New England was as good a time as any to pay an extended visit to Montana and pursue his passion for being a Big Gay Cowboy. Known around Bozeman as leader of inebriated vigilante group, Posse Vodka, he was largely seen as a force for good, even if that good was occasionally achieved by violating local decency laws. He leaves behind his wife, Mrs. LMNO, and his trusty horse, Kiki.