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she wears lace, her hair is an oil spill

Started by Cramulus, September 21, 2010, 04:00:04 PM

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Cramulus

a work in progress - feedback welcomed



she wears lace, her hair is an oil spill
it seeps into my coastline
I'm not ready for it yet
stiff drink
ball drop
it's gonna take me forever to clean up all this slop

It happens every day. A little bit more of me is gone,
They want us to close our eyes now
the new me is incoming, some nameless stranger
I want him to change everything
they want us to stop listening
he's going to perfect the art of stillness
like some virtuous rock
drop me to the bottom like your ears pop
jacked out and into the darkness

shh--their message is very quiet. The world drowns it out.

This life -- a lunatic fire. The spark inside hush--
Everything you can see was somebody's quest once.
They've left it behind. Now they are drifting, fading
sparks in the darkness.

The world plays up a trill like a million roads.
You can turn lead into gold. You can suffer a little bit.
You can turn the soul into instant cash money. You can taste the poison.
There isn't a thought in this world that isn't alchemy.
Spark up that immortality, more fuel for the engine.

(the oil sits on top of the water)

Your quest becomes fire.
Maybe your most salient contribution to this world will be a pothole or a skidmark.
Maybe you'll be swinging from a street light, red in the face, stopped cold.

You might only hear my call a few times in your life.
I was there for you when you were at rock bottom.
Easy for you to say you will answer, but you haven't yet.

I was the life you thought was your destiny.
And if you still want me, you have to destroy it all.

Shh--Let's hold hands.

Sweating in the meat prison.
The body decides
the mind rides.

Drifting, fading
sparks in the darkness.

Cramulus

bump - did anybody look at this? I haven't written any poetry in probably about a year, looking to scrape the rust out of my style.  Even a "wtf is this garbage" would be helpful.  :p

Roaring Biscuit!

QuoteThe world plays up a trill like a million roads.
You can turn lead into gold. You can suffer a little bit.
You can turn the soul into instant cash money. You can taste the poison.
There isn't a thought in this world that isn't alchemy.
Spark up that immortality, more fuel for the engine.

this verse didnt flow right when I read it, other than that I liked it, but I quite often like shit poetry, so that doesn't mean anything :P

xx

edd

Adios

I was the life you thought was your destiny.
And if you still want me, you have to destroy it all.

This stood out for me. I had some trouble with the flow, but I suck at poetry.

Triple Zero

I only just read it. But I'm not good at poetry! Only cheesy love poems, but they're not meant for an audience more than one :) And there was some kind of Dutch writer that made poems about forest animals that read like very short children stories, those were kinda neat. I think I'm not trained in reading poems "properly", it requires some practice.

Anyway, only thing I can remark is this:

QuoteThey're left it behind.

shouldn't that be "They've left it behind." ?

Unless that's on purpose, poetry can be like that.

and I liked "... up a trill like a million roads." cause it dissonated between trillion and million. And then I had to look up what "trill" actually means, and it turns out to have nothing to do with plankton (why was I thinking that?).
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

Roaring Biscuit!


Cramulus

Quote from: Triple Zero on September 22, 2010, 04:08:17 PM
QuoteThey're left it behind.

shouldn't that be "They've left it behind." ?

oop, good catch



Quote from: Roaring Biscuit! on September 22, 2010, 03:42:50 PM
I liked it, but I quite often like shit poetry, so that doesn't mean anything

Quote from: Charley Brown on September 22, 2010, 04:02:30 PM
I suck at poetry.

Quote from: Triple Zero on September 22, 2010, 04:08:17 PM
But I'm not good at poetry!

you guys are too hard on yourselves!  :lol:

don't worry about whether or not you're reading it right

if a  poem provoked your imagination,
if any of the phrases got stuck in your head,
if it made you feel anything,
then it did what it was supposed to do.

I didn't use a meter or intentional rhyming, except in a few places - some people say that messes up the flow of my poems, you start to expect a rhyme or rhythm and then there isn't one.

In case you're curious, this poem was created through the cut-up method. I wrote a lot of text and then went back with a scissors and some tape and just kept cutting and moving until it had the feel I wanted. The source text was a bit more straightforward - but in the end I wanted to suggest, rather than tell.

Triple Zero

Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

Adios

Quote from: Cramulus on September 22, 2010, 04:26:27 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on September 22, 2010, 04:08:17 PM
QuoteThey're left it behind.

shouldn't that be "They've left it behind." ?

oop, good catch



Quote from: Roaring Biscuit! on September 22, 2010, 03:42:50 PM
I liked it, but I quite often like shit poetry, so that doesn't mean anything

Quote from: Charley Brown on September 22, 2010, 04:02:30 PM
I suck at poetry.

Quote from: Triple Zero on September 22, 2010, 04:08:17 PM
But I'm not good at poetry!

you guys are too hard on yourselves!  :lol:

don't worry about whether or not you're reading it right

if a  poem provoked your imagination,
if any of the phrases got stuck in your head,
if it made you feel anything,
then it did what it was supposed to do.

I didn't use a meter or intentional rhyming, except in a few places - some people say that messes up the flow of my poems, you start to expect a rhyme or rhythm and then there isn't one.

In case you're curious, this poem was created through the cut-up method. I wrote a lot of text and then went back with a scissors and some tape and just kept cutting and moving until it had the feel I wanted. The source text was a bit more straightforward - but in the end I wanted to suggest, rather than tell.

Okay, so now it makes more sense. I needed the context.

Cramulus

While I'm still curious to hear how other people have read into the above poem, I'd like to post my interpretation


this is a cut-up - I started by cutting up text and arranging it until something emerged from it which I hadn't originally planned. That's why I say I only have an interpretation, not the "true reading". The poem which emerged was not the poem I originally started with.


So basically it's about Drive. It's about the things which motivate you and how they get clouded by distractions and momentary desire.

Nearly every thing in this world reflects somebody's soul. Even the pattern in the carpet beneath your feet was chosen by somebody whose goal was to create something of Quality. Think about how many man men's lives are intertwined with the building of a bridge of erection of a building. The way I see it, when I go, I want to leave something of Quality behind, something which makes the world more beautiful or engaging. And deep down, on a very quiet and personal level, I think that love and comfort and my current career path are distractions from whatever that destiny is. That's why love is compared to an oil spill, it gets into everything and anchors us in place. It's only when we're heart broken, when everything is dark and quiet, that people ask the big questions and are willing to initiate big changes. We are driven day to day by our momentary needs and desires, there is no room for the big picture window of the soul. But there is hope - love can fuel one's drive just as oil feeds a fire.

so that's what I got out of it. It was totally not the poem I started off writing --one of the reasons why I love the cut-up method!

Juana

I like it.

Bits that I really liked
QuoteIt happens every day. A little bit more of me is gone,
They want us to close our eyes now
the new me is incoming, some nameless stranger
I want him to change everything
I'm kinda in the middle changing things for myself, so that resonated with me.

Quote
shh--their message is very quiet. The world drowns it out.
Awesome line.

QuoteYou might only hear my call a few times in your life.
I was there for you when you were at rock bottom.
Easy for you to say you will answer, but you haven't yet.

I was the life you thought was your destiny.
And if you still want me, you have to destroy it all.
Also awesome, and I really do like the last two.


Only criticism is this:
QuoteYou can turn lead into gold. You can suffer a little bit.
The addition of "little" sort of pulled me out of the flow. "Bit" is good, so I'd suggest you keep it, but "little" felt weird.
"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."