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Some friends of mine asked me to write their wedding announcement

Started by Doktor Howl, December 31, 2014, 04:20:46 PM

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Doktor Howl

They asked me to do it in the spirit of Hunter S Thompson.  Tell me if there's anything I should add.

QuoteIt is my duty as a man of the cloth - and a citizen acting in the interests of public safety - to read the bans, as it were, for Annie Christine Smith and Christopher Levi.  By means unknown, Christopher has convinced Annie to marry him.  This may have to do with poor eyesight on her part.  Perhaps if you squint at him in the right light, and maybe have something the size of a lemon pushing down on the part of your brain that tells you how to put your underwear on correctly, he may appear to approach her league.  Maybe.

In any case, the combination of her brains and his brute strength and lack of regard for basic morality does not bode well for the rest of us.  They will shove us down manholes and toss dynamite in after us.  They will run us down like dogs and shoot us for no good reason.  They will turn us in to the Ferguson, Missouri police department, and our children will drink filthy water for the rest of their short, miserable lives.  Horrible.

In any case, they have wedding plans to make, and they are really not available for the usual Facebook bullshit.  If they are harassed about this, Levi will track you down and shit on your bed.  He knows exactly where all of you live; He is connected to the internet.  He is a vile beast of a man who knows not the WORD "forgiveness", let alone the meaning...And if he thinks you're moving in on his girl, well, that's where we get our Charles Starkweathers.

The wedding will be secular.  They had at first opted for a traditional Catholic wedding, just for the ceremony of the thing, but when they showed their self-written vows to the priest, it did not go over well.  He made a high-pitched keening noise, like a dog that had been stabbed with a semi-sharpened cricket bat.  He hauled his cassock up and shat on the floor.  We had to throw fat young altar boys at him for over an hour to keep him from calling the cops.

Their wedding gift registry is at Filthy Dan's Porn Emporium.  Or you can just stuff unmarked bills in the bag.  Now.  Like right fucking now.  Don't push it.
Molon Lube

LMNO


Eater of Clowns

 :lulz:

I think it's great as is. The only thing I could think of adding is his habit of dropping the hyperbole for that one short, poignant paragraph at the end.
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

Richter

Perfect!

May their worldly grandparents chuckle and their up-tight aunt loose her shit in a way that's funny for everyone
(else)
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat