THE EVENYSSEY

[Brother Mythos]

or

THE FOUND BOOK OF THE LOST BOOKS OF THE LOST TWENTY-FOURTH (24th) TRIBE OF ERISIUM


Book I

How The Lost Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium First (1st) Came to Leave Erisium


And it came to pass that Erisium¹ experienced a population explosion, what with twenty-four (24) tribes of horny Erisiumians breeding like bunny rabbits within the city-state limits. And in that troubled time the sidewalks were choked with illegally parked chariots, the streets were choked with illegally double-parked chariots and steaming, stinking piles of horse manure. Out of work philosophers panhandled on every street corner, and the crime rate was up across the entire city-state.²

And so, The Twenty-four (24) Wise Men of Erisium, one (1) from each of the twenty-four (24) tribes of Erisium, assembled in the Agora of Erisium, at the foot of the Acropolis of Erisium,³ to discuss solutions to the overcrowding problem. And The Twenty-four (24) Wise Men of Erisium agreed that after adequate discussion and debate, they would vote upon the implementation of those solutions.   

And being very wise, The Twenty-four (24) Wise Men of Erisium quickly determined that Erisium was big enough for twenty-three (23) tribes of Erisium, but too small for all twenty-four (24) tribes of Erisium.

And then, the Wise Man of The Twenty-third (23rd) Tribe of Erisium stood up and thus spake, "O Wise Men of the first (1st) twenty-three (23) tribes of Erisium, I, the Wise Man of The Twenty-third (23rd) Tribe of Erisium propose "Last Tribe In Erisium, First Tribe Out of Erisium". And the Wise Men of the rest of the first (1st) twenty-three (23) tribes of Erisium immediately seconded the motion. And so, The Twenty-four (24) Wise Men of Erisium voted on the motion "Last Tribe In Erisium, First Tribe Out of Erisium", and the motion passed twenty-three (23) to one (1). 

And seeing the solution to the overcrowding problem was good, or at least reasonably fair, and the vote on the solution was overwhelmingly popular, the bureaucrats of The Twenty-four (24) Tribes of Erisium came to believe the basic principle of "Last In First Out" was also good, or at least reasonably fair, and popular. And so, the bureaucrats of The Twenty-four (24) Tribes of Erisium, who of themselves were not particularly creative, created the acronym LIFO.⁴
 
Now, the people of The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium (hereinafter referred to as "The Tribe") were not at all happy with the vote of the majority of The Twenty-four (24) Wise Men of Erisium. But, as the Wise Man of The Tribe had been outvoted twenty-three (23) to one (1), he didn't waste time asking The Fair and Honest Board of Elections and Wise Men Votes of The Twenty-four (24) Tribes of Erisium for a recount.

And so, as was the custom of The Twenty-four (24) Wise Men of Erisium, the Wise Man of The Tribe traveled five (5) days and five (5) nights to The Oracle of Eris to seek of The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris a prophecy regarding the relocation of The Tribe.⁵

And upon reaching The Oracle of Eris on the fifth (5th) day, the Wise Man rested. And the next morning, the Wise Man, as prescribed by The Pope of The Oracle of Eris soaked in The Sacred Hot Tub of The Oracle of Eris for five (5) hours. And upon emerging from The Sacred Hot Tub of The Oracle of Eris⁶ after five (5) hours, the Wise Man beseeched The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris to prophesy as to where The Tribe would find it best to relocate, that they would be fruitful and multiply, and live long and prosper.   

And so, in the time long before The Original Snub, and that whole messy Iliad/Odyssey thing, The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris prophesied The Tribe would best be fruitful and multiply, and live long and prosper if they undertook the long journey to the Isle of Crete of the twenty-two (22) cities⁷ in Eris's name, and founded the twenty-third (23rd) city of Crete.⁸ 

And knowing the Isle of Crete of the twenty-two (22) cities was big enough to hold way more cities, the Wise Man traveled five (5) days and five (5) nights back to The Tribe with the prophesy of The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris.⁹

And, upon hearing the prophesy of The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris from the Wise Man, The Tribe griped and bitched, but complied with the Notice of Eviction issued by the Unsurpassable Court of Erisium. And so, packing up everything The Tribe could carry, they loaded their stuff into their chariots, and traveled twenty-eight (28) days and twenty-eight (28) nights to catch a ferryboat out of Piraeus, to sail the wine-dark sea to the Isle of Crete of the twenty-two (22) cities.¹⁰

And, the people of the first (1st) twenty-three (23) Tribes of Erisium rejoiced upon the leaving of The Tribe (hereinafter referred to as "The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium"), as the overcrowding problem of Erisium had been solved. For it became immediately obvious that a disproportionately large number of the illegally parked chariots, defecating horses, and the panhandling out of work philosophers belonged to The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium.¹¹

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¹Scholars of Ancient Greece continue to disagree about the location of Erisium, as no definitive proof of its location has ever been discovered by archeologists. However, most scholars agree Erisium was located to the north of Piraeus and Athens. Some scholars argue that Ancient Erisium was located to the north of Thermopylae (The Hot Gates), as Erisiumians, like the Macedonians to the north of Thermopylae, were not allowed to participate in the Olympic Games. Other scholars argue that the Erisiumians were not allowed to participate in the Olympic Games, not because they lived north of Thermopylae like the Macedonians, but because they had been permanently banned from participation because of rampant PED use, Olympic game fixing, or both. 

²Scholars of Ancient Greece continue to disagree about the reasons why Erisium had such a disproportionately large number of philosophers. Nevertheless, all scholars of Ancient Greece agreed that Erisium had a disproportionately large number of philosophers.

³Some scholars of Ancient Greece argue that the Acropolis of Erisium should rightly be called the Upper Pentagon-Shaped Fortress of Erisium, as various legends and myths tell of the Acropolis of Erisium being five-sided. 

⁴Officially recorded in The Unfinished Official Book of Bureaucracy.

⁵Scholars of Ancient Greece agree the Wise Man could have easily made the trip to The Oracle of Eris in one (1) day, if it weren't for the streets being blocked with illegally double-parked chariots, the stops required to clean off the steaming, stinking horse manure, and out of work philosophers stopping the Wise Man to panhandle for spare drachma every time he had to slow down, or stop, for traffic within the city-state limits of Erisium.

⁶Some scholars of Ancient Greece argue that The Sacred Hot Tub of The Oracle of Eris should rightly be called The Sacred Pentagon Hot Tub of the Oracle of Eris, as various legends and myths tell of The Sacred Hot Tub of The Oracle of Eris being five-sided.

⁷The Isle of Crete is referred to as "Crete of the hundred cities" in The Iliad (book 3, line 649) of Homer; a clear indication that the events described in The Evenyssey occurred at a much earlier date than those of The Iliad and The Odyssey.

⁸As recorded in The Officially Certified Book of The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris's Prophecies.

⁹Scholars of Ancient Greece agree the Wise Man could have easily made the trip back to The Tribe in one (1) day, if it weren't for the streets being blocked with illegally double-parked chariots, the stops required to clean off the steaming, stinking horse manure, and out of work philosophers stopping the Wise Man to panhandle for spare drachma every time he had to slow down, or stop, for traffic within the city-state limits of Erisium.

¹⁰The Tribe could have easily made the trip to Piraeus in twenty-three (23) days and twenty-three (23) nights, if it weren't for the streets being blocked with illegally double-parked chariots, the stops required to clean off the steaming, stinking horse manure, and out of work philosophers stopping The Tribe to panhandle for spare drachma every time they had to slow down, or stop, for traffic within the city-state limits of Erisium.

¹¹Scholars of Ancient Greece continue to disagree about the reasons why the people of The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium had such a disproportionately large number of philosophers. Nevertheless, all scholars of Ancient Greece agreed that the people of The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium had a disproportionately large number of philosophers.

[Brother Mythos]

Book II

Even Greeks Sometimes Have Trouble Understanding Greek


Unknown to the Wise Man of The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium (hereinafter referred to as "The Tribe"), Kostas, a realtor from Crete, had read the prophecy of The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris.¹ And, hurrying back to Crete, Kostas advised all twenty-two (22) kings of the Isle of Crete of the twenty-two (22) cities (hereinafter referred to as "Crete") to buy up every piece of real estate they could lay their hands on.² 

And so, when the ferryboat of The Tribe finally docked in the harbor of Kyessos, the city of King Maxos, there was no affordable property on the market to be had. And when the Wise Man visited the Court of King Maxos of Kyessos, King Maxos thus spake, "Well, O Wise Man of The Tribe, if you think you can get a better deal elsewhere, then you're welcome to schlep around to the other twenty-one (21) kings of the other twenty-one (21) cities of Crete. Start by going to see my brother, King Minos of Knossos. Go ahead; let me know how it all works out for you. I, King Minos of Kyessos, and my huge real estate holdings aren't going anywhere."

And finding the prices for prime real estate even higher near Knossos, and the other twenty (20) cities of Crete, the Wise Man returned with heavy heart to the Court of King Maxos of Kyessos. And King Maxos thus spake, "Listen O Wise Man of The Tribe, have I got a deal for you. If The Tribe will agree to build me a labyrinth that's twice as big as my brother's labyrinth at Knossos, I'll sell you the land you need for a city at fair market value. And remember, King Maxos of Kyessos says 'yes', when other kings say 'no'."

And so, it was agreed that Livealus³ of The Tribe would design and build the Maximal Labyrinth of King Maxos of Kyessos, a labyrinth twice as big as the one (1) designed and built by Daedalus for King Minos of Knossos.⁴ 

And so, accepting King Maxos of Kyessos proposal, The Tribe labored long and hard to complete the Maximal Labyrinth, as per specifications and ahead of schedule, to earn the lucrative bonus negotiated into the contract by the Wise Man of The Tribe for early completion.

And so, at the completion of the work of The Tribe on the Maximal Labyrinth, King Maxos of Kyessos was filled with joy, not to mention overjoyed upon seeing the envy of his brother, King Minos of Knossos. And, at the Ribbon Cutting Ceremony at the Grand Opening of the Maximal Labyrinth, King Maxos thus spake, "The Tribe has labored long and hard to complete the Maximal Labyrinth, as per specifications and ahead of schedule. So, in addition to closing on the purchase of the land The Tribe needs for a city at fair market value, and collecting that lucrative early completion bonus your Wise Man managed to slip into the contract when my Wise Man thought you could never pull it off, I, King Maxos of Kyessos, proudly confer upon The Tribe the coveted title of "Cretans".

But, after laboring so long and so hard to complete the Maximal Labyrinth, as per specifications and ahead of schedule, most of The Tribe were too exhausted to attend the Ribbon Cutting Ceremony. And, as The Tribe used Linear E (Erisenaean) for their written communications, and the people of Kyessos used Linear C (Maxoan) for their written communications, The Tribe mistakenly translated the Linear C "Cretans" as the Linear E "Cretins" when they read what King Maxos of Kyessos had thus spake when the clay tablet boy delivered the next morning's clay tablets.

And so, The Tribe was indignant upon reading what they thought was the title proudly conferred upon them by King Maxos of Kyessos. And The Tribe agreed that they had not come all that way and labored so long and so hard to build the Maximal Labyrinth just to be called Cretins.

Now, it so happened that Kostas, the realtor from Crete, who had originally advised all twenty-two (22) kings of the twenty-two (22) cities of Crete to buy up every piece of real estate they could lay their hands on, also had the listing on the property purchased by The Tribe from King Maxos of Kyessos.⁵ And, it so happened that Kostas was still in town the morning after the Ribbon Cutting Ceremony for the Grand Opening of the Maximal Labyrinth, since he had been too drunk to drive his chariot home the night before, after celebrating yet another big sale.

And, upon hearing the indignation of The Tribe, Kostas thus spake, "Listen, people of The Tribe, have I got a deal for you. I happen to know a young tribe from Anatolia who are on the market for a bigger property, since they've outgrown their starter property. And, they're complaining about the Trojans, Makers of Condoms, moving in next door and driving down the property values. But anyway, seeing that The Tribe is not happy here, I might be able to talk that young tribe from Anatolia into taking this money pit off your hands. That is, if The Tribe is willing to sell this property at a reduced price, keeping in mind that it's a buyers market for real estate right now, not like it was when you made that awful deal with King Maxos of Kyessos. And, it so happens I have the listing for a property on a beautiful island to the north of Crete that you might be interested in. It's prime oceanfront with fantastic sandy beaches, a great view of the mountains to the east, and offers a spectacular view of the sun setting in the west. Plus, the beautiful island to the north of Crete is conveniently located between Athens and Crete, and you know what they say about what matters most in real estate: location, location, location." 

And so, ignoring the prophesy of The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris, that The Tribe would best be fruitful and multiply, and live long and prosper if they undertook the long journey to Crete in Eris's name, and founded the twenty-third (23rd) city of Crete⁶, The Tribe (hereinafter referred to as "The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium") packed up yet again. And, after burning what they could not take with them,⁷ The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium caught the next ferryboat out of Kyessos to sail the wine-dark sea to the beautiful island to the north of Crete.


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¹As recorded in The Officially Certified Book of The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris Prophesies.

²Earning Kostas twenty-two (22) six percent (6 %) commissions split between the sellers and the buyers, as per the guidelines of The Official Book of Guidelines of the Ancient Realtors of Ancient Greece.

³Some scholars of Ancient Greece argue that Livealus and Daedalus were brothers. But, there is no definitive reference to Livealus and Daedalus being brothers, or related in any way, in legend, myth, or clay tablets.
 
⁴Scholars of Ancient Greece are in agreement that design/build projects were common in Ancient Greece.

⁵Earning Kostas another six percent (6 %) commission split between the seller and the buyer, as per the guidelines of The Official Book of Guidelines of the Ancient Realtors of Ancient Greece.

⁶As recorded in The Officially Certified Book of The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris Prophesies.

⁷The history of the people of the Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium at Kyessos was written on baked clay tablets found in The Kyessos Landfill by Dr. Bill, Ph.D. in Garbology Archeology, and translated by The Doctor of Doctors of Garbology Archeology, Ph.D. in Garbology Archeology.

[Brother Mythos]

Chapter III   

At the Open House for a Hot Property


And when at last The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium (hereinafter referred to as "The Tribe") at last beheld the morning sun shining on the beautiful inland to the north of the Isle of Crete, Kostas, the realtor from Crete, thus spake, "Just look at this beautiful island to the north of the Isle of Crete of the twenty-two (22) cities (hereinafter referred to as "Crete")! Is this place spectacular, or what?!"

But the Wise Man of The Tribe rubbed his eyes, and thus spake, "Excuse me, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, I might be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure this beautiful island to the north of Crete is a volcano. And, judging from all the smoke and ashes billowing out of the top of this otherwise beautiful island to the north of Crete, I'm pretty sure it's an active volcano. Just look at that thing! It must be at least four thousand (4,000) cubits high!¹ So, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, please tell me the name of this otherwise beautiful island to the north of Crete."

And Kostas thus spake, "Oh, didn't I tell you the name of this beautiful island to the north of Crete? Sorry, about that. Anyway, it is named Thera by the Greeks, but for some reason those barbarian Etruscans to the west insist on calling it Santorini. Not that the locals care what those barbarian Etruscans to the west call this beautiful ... Thera, as long as they can keep selling those barbarian Etruscans to the west the worthless dirt those barbarian Etruscans to the west call pozzolana."

And the Wise Man thus spake, "And of what use is the worthless dirt those barbarian Etruscans to the west call pozzolana to those barbarian Etruscans to the west?"

And Kostas thus spake, "Only the Gods and Goddesses know what those barbarian Etruscans to the west really do with the worthless dirt. But, it is said those barbarian Etruscans to the west mix the worthless dirt with lime and sell it to those other barbarians to the west, the Roman tribe. We tried mixing the worthless dirt with lime ourselves, but when the stuff gets wet and dries out again, it hardens harder than rock. So, a mix of worthless dirt and lime is worse than useless as fertilizer. It just sits there, flat on the ground like another big, flat rock! Those barbarian Etruscans to the west may be barbarians, but they sure know a tribe of suckers when they see one! Those other barbarians to the west, the Roman tribe, will never amount to anything in The Ancient World if they don't wise up fast.

Anyway, a cousin of mine is a realtor from Akrotiri on the east side of this beautiful ... Thera. He contacted the owner of my listed property for me and has made arrangements to hold an Open House to allow prospective buyers, such as The Tribe, to see the property this afternoon. The property is on the west side of Thera, and I've already arranged for the ferryboat captain to take us directly there, at no extra charge to The Tribe."

And later that afternoon at the Open House, Kostas thus spake, "So, O Wise Man of The Tribe, isn't this place everything I said it would be and more? It's prime oceanfront property. It's got fantastic sandy beaches. It's got a great view of the mountain to the east and offers a spectacular view of the setting sun to the west. Just wait until you see the sun set, from right here where we're standing, this evening. It's got hot and cold running spring water, and the owner has already cleared away all of that worthless dirt those barbarian Etruscans to the west call pozzolana. Plus, the beautiful ... Thera is conveniently located between Athens and Crete, and you know what they say about what matters most in real estate: location, location, location. And, oh yeah, before I forget, another cousin of mine is in the Thera Department of Licenses and Inspections. You won't have any trouble getting approvals for anything The Tribe wants to build, and the inspectors hardly ever show up, so construction here on Thera always goes smoothly and without interruption. So, what do you think, O Wise Man of The Tribe? Are you ready to sign the agreement of sale and put down a deposit? Look around, there are a lot of other buyers here this afternoon who are very interested in this prime oceanfront property."

And the Wise Man thus spake, "Well, to be honest with you, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, The Tribe has some reservations about buying this property on Thera."

And Kostas thus spake, "I'm sure we, the owner and I, can work with The Tribe to come to a mutually beneficial, win-win agreement of sale. What on this spectacular property on this beautiful ... Thera, is not to your liking? Just tell me, and I'll do everything in my power to get it taken care of to The Tribe's satisfaction. And, you didn't hear it from me, but the owner of this spectacular property on Thera is a little more anxious to sell than he would like to let on. Something about his wife threatening to divorce him and take all the kids with her, if he doesn't move them all back to the mainland. So anyway, what improvements to this already spectacular property on this beautiful island must the owner make to meet with The Tribe's approval?"

And the Wise Man thus spake, "Well, to be more honest with you, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, The Tribe has some very serious reservations about buying this property on Thera. It is oceanfront property, but all of the sand on the beaches is black. And that view of the mountain to the east is kind of scary, what with all of the smoke and ash billowing out the top. And, now that I mention it, the smoke and ash has gotten a lot thicker since we arrived, and the ground is now rumbling and shaking. Anyway, I'm sure you're right about the spectacular view of the setting sun to the west, but the mountain to the east, that I'm now sure is a volcano, is so high and so close to the property, that it, not to mention all of the smoke and ash, will completely block out the sun everyday until high noon. And all of the spring water here is hot and smells like brimstone. So, I'm sorry, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, but The Tribe is going to have to pass on this property." 

And Kostas thus spake, "I'm sorry, O Wise Man of The Tribe, that The Tribe does not find this spectacular property on this beautiful ... Thera to your satisfaction. But, I'll tell you what, I don't have the listings, by my cousin, the realtor from Akrotiri on the east side of Thera, has the listings on several other spectacular properties on this beautiful island. The two (2) of us can take The Tribe around to visit these other spectacular properties on this beautiful island tomorrow, if The Tribe likes. I'm sure we can find something on the south side of this beautiful island, that is to The Tribe's liking."

And the Wise Man thus spake, "No, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, The Tribe would like to leave Thera as soon as possible."

And Kostas thus spake, "That's too bad, O Wise Man of The Tribe (hereinafter referred to as "The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium"). But, I'll tell you what, I also happen to have the listing on another prime oceanfront property on another beautiful island to the west of Thera. What do you say, are you interested?"

And the Wise Man of the Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium thus spake, "Oh, what the Hades, the people of the Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium have come this far, why not?"


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¹An Erisium cubit is eighteen (18) Imperial/US customary inches long. Based upon the Wise Man of The Tribe's estimate, the Thera, or Santorini, volcano would have been approximately 6,000 Imperial/US customary feet high at the time of The Tribe's visit. Thera's highest elevation is now only 980 Imperial/US customary feet high, a clear indication that the events described in The Evenyssey occurred at an earlier date than the Minoan eruption, also referred to as the Thera eruption, or the Santorini eruption, which is estimated to have occurred between 1600 and 1500 BCE.

   
      

[Brother Mythos]

Book IV   

Go West, Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium, Go West


And when The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium (hereinafter referred to as "The Tribe") at last beheld the morning sun shining on the other inland to the west of Thera, Kostas, the realtor from Crete, thus spake, "Behold this other beautiful island to the west of Thera! Behold the magnificent harbor, and the fantastic, sandy, white beaches! Is this place spectacular, or what?!"

But the Wise Man of The Tribe rubbed his eyes, and thus spake, "Excuse me, Kostas, o realtor from the Isle of Crete of the twenty-two (22) cities (hereinafter referred to as "Crete"), the harbor of this other island to the west of Thera is nice, and verily the beaches are white. Natheless, I might be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure this other island to the west of Thera happens to be yet another volcano. I don't behold any smoke and ash billowing out of the top of this other island to the west of Thera, or anything. Natheless ... Hist! What is that?!"

And Kostas thus spake, "What is what, O Wise Man of The Tribe?"

But the Wise Man thus spake, "What is what, Kostas, o realtor from Crete?! What are yon fountains of water and steam gushing from the bowels of the earth near yon hillside?!"

And Kostas thus spake, "Oh those, O Wise Man of The Tribe, those are nothing to be concerned about. Many barbarian travelers journey to this beautiful island to the west of Thera to behold yon fountains of water and steam gushing from the bowels of the earth. Yon fountains of water and steam really are quite the tourist attraction, in addition to the fantastic, sandy, white beaches of this other beautiful island to the west of Thera, of course."

And the Wise Man thus spake, "But, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, what are yon fountains of water and steam gushing from the bowels of the earth?"

And Kostas thus spake, "Oh, O Wise Man of The Tribe, they're nothing to be concerned about. Some barbarians to the far, far north call yon fountains of water and steam 'geysers', but they're mostly harmless."¹

But the Wise Man thus spake, "Mostly harmless, Kostas, o realtor from Crete? What doest thou mean by mostly harmless?"

And Kostas thus spake, "Well, O Wise Man of The Tribe, it hast been spake that those particular barbarians to the far, far north are fearsome warriors. But, they're mostly harmless to the Greeks, as those particular barbarians to the far, far north rarely, if ever, leave the far, far north."

But the Wise Man thus spake, "No, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, I meant yon geysers shooting water and steam high into the air. What of yon geysers?"

And Kostas thus spake, "Oh those, O Wise Man of The Tribe. Well, yon geysers are mostly harmless too. Everyone on this beautiful island to the west of Thera knows where yon geysers be. And, as long as one doest not get too, too close to one of yon geysers, yon geysers are not a problem. I mean, it's not like yon geysers shoot water and steam into the air all the time. And, it's not like yon geysers shoot water and steam very high into the air. And, like I hast already spake, yon geysers really are quite the tourist attraction. The barbarian tourists will stand around and wait for hours and hours for one of yon geysers to shoot water and steam into the air. And, whilst the barbarian tourists are standing around and waiting, the locals sell the barbarian tourists overpriced water, wine, and snacks. I tellest thou, O Wise Man of The Tribe, yon geysers are a gold mine."     

And the Wise Man thus spake, "Well, this other island to the west of Thera may not be very high, natheless forsooth it is another active volcano.²  So, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, please tellest me the name of this other island to the west of Thera."

And Kostas thus spake, "Oh, O Wise Man of The Tribe, didst I not tellest thou the name of this other beautiful island to the west of Thera? Sorry, about that. Anyway, it is named Milos by the Greeks."

And the Wise Man thus spake, "And what doest those barbarian Tyrrhenians (hereinafter referred to as "Etruscans") to the west insist on calling Milos?"

And Kostas thus spake, "I hast no idea, O Wise Man of The Tribe, what those barbarian Etruscans to the west insist on calling this other beautiful ... Milos. And, I'm sure the locals care not what those barbarian Etruscans to the west insist on calling Milos either, as long as the locals can keep selling those barbarian Etruscans to the west the worthless dirt they call pozzolana."

But the Wise Man rolled his eyes, and thus spake, "So, more pozzolana. Well then, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, is there anything on Milos that hast any value?"

And Kostas thus spake, "Well of course, O Wise Man of The Tribe, of course! There are deposits of obsidian to be found all over this other beautiful ... Milos."

But the Wise Man thus spake, "Obsidian thou spake, Kostas, o realtor from Crete! Obsidian! Really?! Doest thou not knowest this is the Bronze Age, o realtor from Crete? Doest thou not knowest our technology has advanced far beyond the need for obsidian in this day and age?! So, I ask thee again, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, is there anything that hast value to be found on Milos?!"

And Kostas thus spake, "Well of course, O Wise Man of The Tribe, of course. There are deposits of brimstone to be found all over this other beautiful ... Milos."

But the Wise Man thus spake, "Brimstone thou spake, Kostas, o realtor from Crete! Brimstone! Really?!"

And Kostas thus spake, "Well, there is a market for brimstone, O Wise Man of The Tribe. People do buy brimstone, thou knowest. Anyway, since we're here, The Tribe might as well behold the property I have listed on this other beautiful ... Milos. It's prime oceanfront property. It's got fantastic, sandy, white beaches, and hot and cold running spring water. Plus, Milos is conveniently located just a little to the west of the main trade route between Athens and Crete. And, it's also conveniently located between the Isle of Pelops and Thera.³  And, thou knowest what they spake about what matters most in real estate; location, location, location. And, oh yeah, before I forget, a cousin of mine is in The ..."

But the Wise Man thus spake, "Yes, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, I'm sure your cousin would be of great help to The Tribe. And, since we're here, we might as well behold your listed property on Milos."

And later that afternoon, after The Tribe had visited the listed property, Kostas thus spake, "So, O Wise Man of The Tribe, isn't this place everything I spake it would be and more?"

And the Wise Man thus spake, "Well, to honest, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, Milos is not really as beautiful as The Tribe had hoped."

And Kostas thus spake, "But, O Wise Man of the Tribe, is not the listed property oceanfront, and doest it not have fantastic, sandy, white beaches?" 

And the Wise Man thus spake, "Well, to be blunt, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, The Tribe is not interested in buying this, or any other property on Milos. The listed property is oceanfront, and it does have fantastic, sandy, white beaches. Natheless, all of the spring water is hot and smells of brimstone. And, to make matters worse, the earth trembles, and most of Milos is a giant strip mine.

Our Goddess Eris hath spake of two (2) of the Five (5) Basic Elements being Boom and Pungent.⁴  Natheless, Milos hast both in greater abundance than is prudent for The Tribe. So, I'm sorry, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, but The Tribe is going to pass on this property and this island, and would like to leave forthwith."

And Kostas thus spake, "I'm sorry The Tribe (hereinafter referred to as "The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium ") doest not find this spectacular property on this beautiful ... Milos to thine satisfaction. But, I'll tellest thou what, I also happen to hast the listing on another prime oceanfront property, this time on the mainland, to the east of Crete. What doest thou spake, O Wise Man of The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium, art thou interested?"

And the Wise Man thus spake, "Okay, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, since The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium has come this far. Natheless, there hast better not be any volcanoes, active or otherwise, on this property on the mainland to the east of Crete."


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¹  The Greek words for 'geyser' translate simply as 'hot spring'. So the Ancient Greeks really did not find geysers to be particularly remarkable.

²  The Wise Man of The Tribe was right. Although dormant in modern times, Milos was an active volcano during the Bronze Age.

³  The large peninsula, rather than an island, named the Peloponnesos in modern times.

⁴  As recorded in 'DOGMA III – HISTORY # 2, "COSMOGONY"' of the Principia Discordia.

[Brother Mythos]

Book V

Wend East, The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium, Wend East


After many days and nights sailing the wine-dark sea, The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium (hereinafter referred to as 'The Tribe'), at last beheld the morning sun shining on the listed property of Kostas, a realtor from the Isle of Crete of the twenty-two (22) cities (hereinafter referred to as 'Crete'), on the mainland to the east of Crete.

And Kostas thus spake, "Behold off the starboard bow yon beautiful listed property on the mainland to the east of Crete! Is yon place spectacular, or what?!"

And The Wise Man of the Tribe thus spake, "Yea verily, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, yon listed property on the mainland to the east of Crete is more like it! I pray thee tellest me the name of yon land."

And Kostas thus spake, "O Wise Man of The Tribe, yon land to the east of Crete is named Egypt of the Pharaohs."

And The Wise Man of the Tribe thus spake, "Kostas, o realtor of Crete, whenas thee told The Tribe thee hast the listing on another prime oceanfront property on the mainland to the east of Crete, thee didst neglect to spake that yonder mainland was the continent of Africa!"

And Kostas thus spake, "Did I, O Wise Man of The Tribe? Sorry about that. Natheless, this listed property is truly a prime oceanfront tract. And, there are no volcanoes."

But The Wise Man of the Tribe thus spake, "Tellest me truly, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, will The Tribe be welcome in Egypt of the Pharaohs (hereinafter referred to as 'Egypt')?"

And Kostas thus spake, "But of course, O Wise Man of The Tribe! The Pharaohs of Egypt have always welcomed the tribes of the Israelites into Egypt with open arms! So, why wouldeth not the Pharaoh of Egypt not also welcometh The Tribe?

Natheless, behold this beautiful listed property on the mainland to the east of Crete! It is truly a prime oceanfront tract. It hath fantastic sandy beaches. It hath a beautiful island located just the right distance from a fantastic sandy beach to form a natural harbor. Plus, this beautiful listed property is conveniently located just west of the western mouth of the Nile River of Egypt, right on the trade route between Athens and the city of Memphis, the capital of Egypt. And, it is conveniently located right on the trade route between Crete and the city of Memphis, the capital of Egypt. And, you knowest what they spake about what matters most in real estate; location, location, location. And, oh yea, before I forget, a cousin of mine is in The ..."

But The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "Yea, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, I'm sure your cousin will be of great help to The Tribe. And I, The Wise Man of The Tribe, must admit, this listed property doth hath possibilities."

And Kostas thus spake, "You are very wise, O Wise Man of The Tribe. But, I must warn you, other potential buyers are also interested in this prime oceanfront tract. And, the Pharaoh of Egypt doth require developers to make state improvements, at the developer's cost, to any properties purchased for development within Egypt."

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "So, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, who are these other potential buyers of this listed property?"

And Kostas thus spake, "Well, O Wise Man of The Tribe, some of the tribes of the Israelites, the ones I mentioned ere now, are very interested in this listed property. But, I, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, doubt they can raise the hedj¹   to buy this beautiful listed property in Egypt. A tribe of Hittites is also very interested, but the Pharaoh of Egypt hath enough trouble with the Hittites living to the north of Egypt. So, I doubt the Pharaoh of Egypt will seriously entertaineth any bids from them. Nay, the most serious competition is from a tribe of those barbarian Macedonians to the far north.²   They may be barbarians, but they have lots of gold and hedj. Oh, and there are rumors that a tribe from the Indus Valley, to the far, far east, is also interested. But, I wouldn't take that rumor too seriously. Those traders from the Indus Valley have been trying to sell a cloth called 'cotton' to the people of Egypt for years, but to no avail. Seriously now, as if anything could ever replace wool or linen for clothing. And, that tribe from the Indus Valley hath neither gold, hedj, nor anything else of value to trade for this beautiful listed property, conveniently located just west of the western mouth of the Nile River of Egypt.

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "And, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, exactly what kind of state improvements, at the developer's cost, doth the Pharaoh of Egypt require of the developer of this listed property?"

And Kostas thus spake, "Well, O Wise Man of The Tribe, the state improvements, at the developer's cost, required by the Pharaoh of Egypt are not unreasonable. The Pharaoh of Egypt doth wanteth a lighthouse built hereabouts, to guide the ships sailing the wine-dark sea to the western mouth of the Nile River of Egypt, a road to connect this beautiful listed property to the city of Memphis, the Capital of Egypt, the usual irrigation and sanitation improvements, that sort of thing."

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "Yea, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, that all seems reasonable and doable, as Master Livealus, Designer and Builder of The Tribe, is learned in both pharology³  and pyrgology." ⁴ 

And Kostas thus spake, "O Wise Man of The Tribe, in spite of those barbarian Macedonians, methinks there is a way for The Tribe to get on the good side of the Pharaoh of Egypt. His Excellency Imhotep, Vizier of the Pharaoh of Egypt, is holding an Official Competition for the Design of the Pharaoh of Egypt's Royal Tomb. And, the Pharaohs of Egypt take the designs of the royal tombs of the Pharaohs of Egypt very seriously. If thy man, Master Livealus, Designer and Builder of The Tribe, who designed and built The Maximal Multistory Labyrinth of King Maxos of Kyessos, couldst whip up a design for something grand and original, I, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, am certain His Excellency Imhotep, Vizier of the Pharaoh of Egypt, would be pleased and would show favor to The Tribe.

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "Yea, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, that also seems reasonable and doable. I, The Wise Man of The Tribe, will get my man, Master Livealus, Designer and Builder of The Tribe, to work on a grand and original design for the royal tomb of the Pharaoh of Egypt forthwith."

And then The Wise Man of The Tribe turned to Master Evenysseus, Fifth (5th) Son of The Fifth (5th) Son of The Fifth (5th) Son of The Fifth (5th) Son of The Fifth (5th) Son (hereinafter referred to as 'Master Evenysseus, Fifth (5th) Son et al.', and thus spake, "Master Evenysseus, Fifth (5th) Son et al., I pray thee disembarkest The Tribe from the chariot ferry, makest camp hither, and erectest The Pious Pavilion of The Blessed All Night Bowling Alley of The Tribe just beyond yon grove of palm trees."

And, for five (5) days time, Master Livealus worked on a grand and original design for the royal tomb of the Pharaoh of Egypt. And during those five (5) days, many visitors came to the camp of The Tribe. And among those visitors was Her Reverence Saamon, The Shaman of the Pharaoh of Egypt.

And upon beholding The Pious Pavilion of The Blessed All Night Bowling Alley of The Tribe, Her Reverence Saamon, The Shaman, thus spake, "I pray thou tellest me the purpose of The Pious Pavilion of The Blessed All Night Bowling Alley of The Tribe, O Wise Man of The Tribe."

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, Your Reverence Saamon, O Shaman of the Pharaoh of Egypt, of The Pious Pavilion of The Blessed All Night Bowling Alley of The Tribe is sacred to our Goddess Eris. She has directed The Twenty-four (24) Tribes of Erisium to bowl, each Tribe in their own Pious Pavilion, each day and night in remembrance of Her. For, at The Oracle of Eris there is found The Most Pious Pavilion of The Blessed All Night Bowling Alley of Eris. And in that place, The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris behold the Helter Skelter⁵   of the clattering and scattering of The Blessed Bowling Pins of Prophecy. And it is by their mastery of karphitsesbowlingomancy™ ⁶   that The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris read the signs of the Helter Skelter and pronounce their prophecies in Eris's name."

And Her Reverence Saamon, The Shaman, thus spake, "I pray thou tellest me more of this karphitsesbowlingomancy™, O Wise Man of The Tribe. For my divinations are based upon the mastery of taurospatilomancy™, and it is, at best, a messy art, and it stinketh." ⁷   

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, Seriously, Your Reverence Saamon, O Shaman of the Pharaoh of Egypt? Taurospatilomancy™? I, The Wise Man of The Tribe, have never hear of such a thing."

And Her Reverence Saamon, The Shaman, thus spake, "Verily, O Wise Man of The Tribe, it is every bit as bad as it soundeth. I, Sammon, The Shaman of the Pharaoh of Egypt, must followest the woolliest of bulls, beholdest the bull's droppings, and pronouncest my prophecies. And verily, the accuracy of many of my prophecies is lacking. Verily, most of my prophecies have been judged to be dubitable, at best, by His Excellency Imhotep, Vizier of the Pharaoh of Egypt. And even worse, His Holiness Djoser, the Pharaoh of Egypt, has pronounced many of my prophecies to be nothing more than bullshit. So, again I pray thou tellest me more of this karphitsesbowlingomancy™, O Wise Man of The Tribe."

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "Your Reverence Sammon, The Shaman of the Pharaoh of Egypt, to master the art of karphitsesbowlingomancy™ one (1) must first (1st) travel to The Oracle of Eris. Thither, one (1) must pledge oneself to serve The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris and be initiated in The Erisian Mysterees.⁸   And only then, if nominated by The Priestesses of The Oracle of Eris, and confirmed by The Pope of The Oracle of Eris, may one (1) study the sacred art of karphitsesbowlingomancy™."

And Her Reverence Saamon, The Shaman, thus spake, "Verily, O Wise Man of The Tribe, I, Sammon, The Shaman of the Pharaoh of Egypt, must wanderest into the desert and contemplatest these tidings."

And so, in five (5) days time, Master Livealus completed a grand and original design for the royal tomb of the Pharaoh of Egypt, including a scale model, and submitted it to His Excellency Imhotep for his review.

And, upon receiving the grand and original design of Master Livealus for the royal tomb of the Pharaoh of Egypt, including the scale model, His Excellency Imhotep rubbed his eyes, and thus spake, "Tellest me, Master Livealus, Designer and Builder of The Tribe, what dost thee callest this grand and original structure?"

And Master Livealus thus spake, "Your Excellency Imhotep, Vizier of the Pharaoh of Egypt, this grand and original structure is called a pyramid. It is to be built of large limestone blocks and covered with large, sloping blocks of white marble." ⁹ 

And His Excellency Imhotep thus spake, "Tellest me, Master Livealus, O Designer and Builder of The Tribe, could not this pyramid be built in steps, and could not it be built with four (4) sides instead of five (5), and could not it be covered with large, sloping blocks of white limestone instead of white marble?"

And Master Livealus thus spake, "Your Excellency Imhotep, Vizier of the Pharaoh of Egypt, this grand and original structure called a pyramid could be built in steps, and it could be built with four (4) sides, and it could be covered with large, sloping blocks of white limestone. Natheless, it would be of vastly inferior design and construction. For the number five (5) is sacred to our Goddess Eris."

And His Excellency Imhotep thus spake, "Tellest me, Master Livealus, O Designer and Builder of The Tribe, are there not some design changes that could be made to this pyramid to make it easier and less expensive for the contractors of Egypt to layout and construct?"

And Master Livealus thus spake, "Well, Your Excellency Imhotep, Vizier of the Pharaoh of Egypt, this pyramid could be designed with twenty-three (23) sides, a number that is also sacred to our Goddess Eris, if you thinkest it would be easier for the contractors of Egypt to layout and construct."

And His Excellency Imhotep rolled his eyes, and thus spake, "Only the Gods and Goddesses know what thee, Master Livealus, Designer and Builder of The Tribe, wouldst do with the design and construction of a simple lighthouse."

And The Wise Man of The Tribe, Master Livealus, The Tribe, and Kostas waited five (5) days and five (5) nights to learn the winner of the Official Competition for the Design of the Pharaoh of Egypt's Royal Tomb. And the official judgement of His Excellency Imhotep was that no winner would be declared.¹⁰   And later that same day, His Excellency Imhotep issued a second (2nd) statement to the effect that no bids on any property, listed or otherwise, within the borders of Egypt would be accepted from foreign investors.¹¹ 
     
And Kostas thus spake, "I'm sorry, O Wise Man of The Tribe, that The Tribe could not secureth this beautiful listed property conveniently located just west of the western mouth of the Nile River of Egypt. But, I'll tellest you what, I also happen to have the listing on another prime oceanfront property, also on mainland to the east of Egypt. What doest you speakest, O Wise Man of The Tribe, art you interested?"

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "This is getting old, Kostas, o realtor from Crete. Firstly (1stly), are there any volcanoes, active or otherwise, on or near this prime oceanfront listed property, also on the mainland to the east of Egypt?"

And Kostas thus spake, "Nay, O Wise Man of The Tribe, there are no volcanoes, active or otherwise, anywhere near this prime oceanfront listed property."

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "Secondly (2ndly), Kostas, o realtor from Crete, on what continent may this prime oceanfront listed property, also on the mainland to the east of Egypt, be found?"

And Kostas thus spake, "Ah, I'm joyful you hast asked, O Wise Man of The Tribe. This prime oceanfront listed property is to be found on the continent of Asia."

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "Thirdly (3rdly), Kostas, o realtor from Crete, what is the name of the land where this prime oceanfront listed property on the continent of Asia is to be found?"

And Kostas thus spake, "O Wise Man of The Tribe, this prime oceanfront listed property on the continent of Asia is in the Land of Canaan. And, it is not far from Egypt. And, it's got fantastic, sandy, white beaches, and cold running spring water. Plus, the Land of Canaan is conveniently located on the mainland route between Egypt and Anatolia, Egypt and the Far East, and Egypt and Europe. Verily, the Land of Canaan is the crossroads of three (3) continents, and the trade possibilities are endless. And, you knowest what they spake about what matters most in real estate; location, location, location. And, oh yeah, before I forget, a cousin of mine is in The ..."

But The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "Yea, verily, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, I'm sure your cousin will be of great help to The Tribe. And, since we've come this far, we might as well wend still further east and behold your listed property in the Land of Canaan."

And Kostas thus spake, "O Wise Man of The Tribe, I promise the listed property in the Land of Canaan is everything I have spake it is and more."

And The Wise Man of The Tribe thus spake, "Yea, verily, Kostas, o realtor from Crete, I pray thee guidest The Tribe to yonder promising Land of Canaan." ¹²

And then The Wise Man of The Tribe turned to Master Evenysseus, and thus spake, "Master Evenysseus, Fifth (5th) Son et al.', I pray thee makest arrangements for the chariot ferry to carry The Tribe to yonder promising Land of Canann, and therewith breakest camp and embarkest The Tribe (hereinafter referred to as 'The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium') onto the chariot ferry forthwith."

And Kostas thus spake, "Then let The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium wend further east to the promising Land of Canaan!" ¹³


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¹   The Ancient Egyptians had no specific word for 'currency', or 'money'. Their word for silver was "hedj".

²   Scholars of Ancient Greece and Ancient Egypt are in agreement that the location of the listed property of interest to The Tribe, conveniently located just west of the western mouth of the Nile River of Egypt, would at a much later date be developed by the Macedonians to the far north, and named Alexandria.

³   The study of lighthouses, or similar signaling devices.

⁴   The study of towers.


⁵   Noted in 'THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY"' of the Principia Discordia (p. 00032).

⁶   Divination by means of bowling pins.

⁷   Divination by means of bull feces.

⁸   The Erisian Mysterees are referenced on the Title Page of the Principia Discordia.

⁹   The first known pyramid built in Egypt was that of His Holiness Djoser, the Pharaoh of Egypt, in the 27th century BCE. As it was a step pyramid, with four (4) sides, and built of rectangular limestone blocks, scholars of Ancient Egypt are certain the original design of Master Livealus was not utilized.

¹⁰   Thus loosing Master Livealus the opportunity to design and build the first (1st) pyramid of the Pharaohs of Egypt. And, thus losing Master Livealus the opportunity of having his name revered throughout history as the designer and builder of the prototype of The Great Pyramid of Giza, one (1) of the Seven (7) Wonders of the Ancient World.

¹¹   Thus loosing Master Livealus the opportunity to design and build the Lighthouse of Alexandria, another one (1) of the Seven (7) Wonders of the Ancient World.

¹²   More optimistic tribes would, in the future, call the Land of Canaan 'The Promised Land'.

¹³   The history of The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium in Egypt was written on baked clay tablets bearing the seal of Scribbulus, The Scribe of The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium. These baked clay tablets were found under the ruins of the foundations of the Ancient Library of Alexandria by Dr. Bill, Ph.D. in Garbology Archeology, and translated by The Doctor of Doctors of Garbology Archeology, Ph.D. in Garbology Archeology. Some scholars of Ancient Greece argue that these baked clay tables were the fifth (5th) burnt copy of the history of The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium in Egypt, written and distributed similar to the requirements of the writing of the ERISIAN AFFIRMATION, as described in the Principia Discordia (p. 00028).

[Brother Mythos]

The travels of The Twenty-fourth (24th) Tribe of Erisium – Books I through VI