This guy is our Messiah
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/IMG00139.jpg)
let's list his holy properties
He can stick to a window like a gecko.
2. he's fucking awesome
3. he came back from the dead
4. he might be controlled by an old voodoo lady
He can give women fake orgasms from across the room, but Pixie wont allow that anymore.
9. He once commanded me to make a bat signal
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on February 08, 2012, 01:53:39 AM
He can give women fake orgasms from across the room, but Pixie wont allow that anymore.
No, that's me.
He can beat up Johnny Cash in a fight.
Do you guys find it weird that our messiah may be the mind-puppet of an old voodoo lady? Do you think that she is really the holy one?
no that's fucking ridiculous, nevermind
11. Payne is a leavening agent
12. He co-founded the WOMP cabal
Payne cured my hypochondria, over the internet. He didn't even have to touch me.
Payne stole his name from Clint Eastwood's character in the "Dollars" trilogy of spaghetti westerns. They still use it in the movies, but it cannot be heard except by iguanas.
He's a Scot (isn't he?) and he stands upright.
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on February 08, 2012, 01:57:32 AM
He's a Scot (isn't he?) and he stands upright.
This alone is proof of divine intervention.
Payne can erase punctuation - all instances of a single kind of punctuation. Ask him what happened to the doublecolon.
31. one time he fell out of a car and landed in another car
32. he redeems sins
33. He's dating pixie (http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/DSC0000006.jpg), who is also holy and awesome in every way. They met here on the forum, which is the cutest thing on the gaddam planet
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on February 08, 2012, 01:59:49 AM
Payne can erase punctuation - all instances of a single kind of punctuation. Ask him what happened to the doublecolon.
Or the semi-period.
He's a Scott and he can communicate in more than pointing and grunting.
Quote from: Cramulus on February 08, 2012, 02:00:16 AM
33. He's dating pixie (http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/DSC0000006.jpg), who is also holy and awesome in every way. They met here on the forum, which is the cutest thing on the gaddam planet
True fact. And yeah it is. :)
40. he's actually Canadian. Like Christ.
He's Canadian and doesn't wear mukluks.
53. He killed Ben Franklin with one punch.
The first letter of every word Payne will write in his life will spell out instructions for a symphony which, when conducted, will erase Tuesday.
Only Payne knows what happens if he dies on a Tuesday.
The first word Payne spelled was chrysanthemum - his mother was only two weeks pregnant.
Payne didn't have a mother. He was born out of a she-bear, who taught him her gentle ways, and on the occasion when you have to eat someone, make sure to properly dispose of the bones so that the odd missing hiker is simply "missing" and not "eaten by bears/Payne."
Payne leapt fully form from the exhaust pipe of a Yugo.
Payne is neither Welsh, nor from Seattle.
39. When Payne dreams, his holy little whiskers twitch, and his paws move like he's running.
When Payne plays basketball, his shoes don't squeak on the court. Indeed, they can't.
Payne plays football with a bowling ball.
And a garden hose.
Payne is capable of blowing his load while thinking about maggie thatcher.
This is proof of omnipotence.
Payne makes it put the hose on again or else it gets the lotion.
Silence for the first 10 seconds or so, but then the powerful, thunderous farts start. The volume of these rat-a-tat farts is incredible, along the lines of elk antlers clashing or a large tree cracking as it is felled. There are rumors (unconfirmed) that local police have recorded these airbeefs at 103db. Of course splattering sounds accompany these inhuman shit/air rumblings, and occasional a large volume of water/shit is heard to be splashed out on the floor. The end of the BM is usually about a 45-second high pitch whiner fart, followed by 4 or 5 successive powershit deposits. If you could put shit in those T-shirt cannons they use at sports arenas, and then shoot the shit into water at close range, then you could reproduce these splash sounds. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM. You actually feel bad for the toilet after this. All the while Payne sings Opera in response to exceptionally disgusting discharges. The end of the experience is a muffled rubbing sound as Payne wipes with bath towels, and the occasional slapping sound as he swats the soiled towels against the bathroom wall, creating messes that populate Scottish lore regarding nightmare pub experiences.
Without fuel, they were nothing. They built a house of straw. The thundering machines sputtered and stopped. Their leaders talked and talked and talked. But nothing could stem the avalanche. Their world crumbled. The cities exploded. A whirlwind of looting, a firestorm of fear. Men began to feed on men. On the roads it was a white line nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage would survive. The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary men were battered and smashed. Except for one spag with a shotgun and 10 cans of haggis.
Praise be unto Him!
\
(http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2007/07/12/saintjoanblog460.jpg)
There is a prophecy, of a young being. Just who, or when this being will be, has been a matter of much debate. In a far away land, war was beginning to end its beginning. It was a war between noble houses over who could have the slice of haggis pizza. This was a war that had been going on for years. A man was destined to solve the unsolvable problem of theoretical theologicals. They say this and more about HimTM. Some say he is Jesus, but we all know Jesus is too busy tending bar. That water to wine was only the tip of his spiritual powers. There are no words to describe HimTM, but they say it is written, but who knows for sure as reading is not for leaders, that he will be ridding astride 20 ostriches and will wield a flaming tomahawk. That in the final days he will thumb wrestle BuddhaTM for the last tin of haggis. There is but one PayneTM and PayneTM is his profit.
312: Payne is the reason obscenity laws from the 1800s are being revived.
313:
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/fredd2.jpg)
314:
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/crampayne.png)
315:
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/CatsPenisSpag.jpg)
316:
Once upon a time, I posted an image to the WOMP photo vault and linked to it on PD. Payne deleted the image and replaced it with this one:
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/takethatpayne-1.jpg)
317:
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/wompcabalhomeimprovement.jpg)
318:
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/filintheblanks6a.png)
(rog, if you can't see these images, don't sweat it, they're just random payne pix from the womp vault)
319: Classified.
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/WOMPteam.png)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/RWHNtrial.png)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/RICHTERSWOMP.png)
The MGT once PM'd Payne, that same day it rained dead fish in St. Petersburgh.
398: Good Dancer
(http://s209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/wangotangosquidling.png)
399: He's fat as fuck
(http://s209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/fatcycle.png)
400: The Scottish Empire:
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/scottish_empire.jpg)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/WOMPspace.png)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/WOMPwithdifficulty.png)
okay, payne wasn't in that one, but he made it
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/internetsidiot.png)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/paynebunny_caption2.jpg)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/PayneScreen.png)
Payne made this, some of the best advice ever posted:
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/buttonpress.jpg)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/paynerog.jpg)
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a95/discordman/bin/major_payne2copy.jpg)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/pdpaynewt8.png)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/paynerisen2.jpg)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/actionpaynejo3.png)
(http://img833.imageshack.us/img833/7923/payneos.jpg)
(http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/3148/paynewomp.jpg)
I love all of these, but especially this one:
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/paynerog.jpg)
Quote from: Billy the Twid on February 08, 2012, 02:29:51 AM
Payne is capable of blowing his load while thinking about maggie thatcher.
This is proof of omnipotence.
I'd forgotten about that. I cackled when I read this post.
Payne is still disturbed by that. He may be omnipotent but he's not
sick.
Quote from: Pixie on February 10, 2012, 12:28:39 AM
He may be omnipotent but he's not sick.
I'd argue that.
Quote from: Pixie on February 10, 2012, 12:28:39 AM
Quote from: Billy the Twid on February 08, 2012, 02:29:51 AM
Payne is capable of blowing his load while thinking about maggie thatcher.
This is proof of omnipotence.
I'd forgotten about that. I cackled when I read this post.
Payne is still disturbed by that. He may be omnipotent but he's not sick.
You could helpfully provide a photo...
It is impossible to determine the origins of Payne, because he does not have an origin story. The Universe literally could not come up with a sufficiently Epic and Holy series of events to explain the existence of Payne. So He simply exists, in sheer defiance of causality.