Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Bring and Brag => Topic started by: Phox on December 25, 2010, 06:38:10 AM

Title: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on December 25, 2010, 06:38:10 AM
Alright, PD. In light of the fact it's Christmas, I thought I would share with you an excerpt from a project I'm working on. This is unpolished, and far from the final draft, but I figured some of you mythology spags might get a kick out of it.


Why Odysseus Is A Tool: A Completely Unbiased Analysis Of The Conduct Of The King of Ithaca In The Trojan War

After Alexander Paris, the son of Priam of Troy, abducted Helen, the wife of the Spartan king Menelaos, the son of Atrius went to his brother Agamemnon, and reminded him of the oath the suitors of Helen swore before she had chosen him to be her husband. "We had sworn, great brother, that we would each defend the holy marriage of Helen, to our dying breath. Odysseus, the clever king of Ithaca, suggested it, and we swore that day. Well, now the day has come in which Helen, my Helen, has been spirited away by a barbarian prince, after I showed him the xenia of our people!"

Agamemnon thought on this. "My brother, you are right, I shall gather together all those men who swore, this, and their allies, and their allies' allies! I will command an army he size of which has never before been seen, I will contribute 100 ships, and all shall bend the knee to my will! ...er, all for you, my brother." And so it was. Agamemnon gathered all of the greatest heroes to his... er, Menelaos' cause. Ajax the Greater of Salamis, Ajax the Lesser of Locris, wise old Nestor of Pylos, Diomedes, young king of Argos, Philoctetes,  companion of Heracles, and many others.

Finally, it was time for them to go to Ithaca and fetch the cunning Odysseus. Agamemnon chose Palamedes and Nestor to accompany him to the home of the king of Ithaca. As they made their way up he excessively long drive way, Odysseus saw them and began to panic. "Oh fuck!" he cried with great vehemence. "Those douchebags actually remembered that oath thing! The only reason I proposed it was because I planned on cheating. Damn that bastard Icarius! When, he promised me a wife if I could prevent violence, I thought he meant Helen, not his own daughter!" It was not uncommon for Odysseus to narrate his life like this, which served him quite well when he found himself in the court of the Phaeacians. "Penny! Penny! They've come for me!" he called to his wife Penelope. "Look, stall them, tell them I'm insane. I have a cunning plan to get out of this oath once and for all!" He quickly ran out the back door to make good on his plan. He harnessed his mule to a plow and started plowing the sand of the beach, while singing the score of Meet Me in St. Louis.

By the time he had completed his preparations, Agamemnon and his companions arrived at the door and rang the bell. Rather, Nestor rang the bell gently as Agamemnon pounded violently on the door shouting. "Odysseus, you  craven dog! Come out and make good on your oath!"

Penelope reluctantly answered the door with her newborn son Telemachus in her arms. "Odysseus is not in just n--" she began, but Agamemnon was already thrusting his way in.

"Odysseus! Where are you? You cowardly shrew! Helen has been abducted! You must go rescue her, and bring all your friends! I will win great glory on your back!" Nestor cleared his throat to snap Agamemnon back to the present. He had that look in his eye again. "Oh, hrm. Right. Hello, Mrs. Odysseus. What a beautiful boy, you have. He has his father's shifty eyes, that cowardly sod of a --"
A hard elbow from Nestor. "I mean... is your husband home? We have a bit of a war to get on with. Your cousin Helen's been kidnapped, and I am going to win... I mean, we are going to rescue her."

Penelope just nodded sadly. "Poor Odysseus! Would that he was well! Alas, alas, he is mad, mad, mad. Ever since his goldfish Lieutenant Shiny-sides died, he's done nothing but... umm... one second..." She ran and looked out the back window. " .. he's been plowing the beach and singing showtunes! Oh, woe is me!" She then began to sob melodramatically. Nestor and Palamedes exchanged a knowing glance, but Agamemnon was awestruck.

"How dreadful!" he called. "How am I to gain victory without the cowardly Odysseus to blame defeats on!? Let us go see if we can subdue him and bring him anyway!" Penelope's eyes grew wide as she attempted to redirect Agamemnon out of the house, but he was already storming out the back with Palamedes and Nestor close behind.

Odysseus glanced over and saw them, so he began to sing more fervently and plow faster. He acted as though he did not notice them. Agamemnon addressed him. "Now, you listen here, Odysseus. We are sailing to Troy and you are coming with us."

"With my high starched collar, and my high topped shoes, and my hair piled 'pon my head," was the reply from Odysseus.

Agamemnon grew angrier. "You craven coward! I know that this is just one of your tricks! No one is crazy enough to watch a Judy Garland film enough times to learn all the words to the songs!"

"I went to lose a jolly hour on the Trolley and lost my heart insteaaad!"

Agamemnon was bubbling with rage. He stood directly in front of the plow and started yelling at the top of his lungs. "Odysseus! You are no man! You are some sort of beast, if you have the stomach for musicals of that caliber!"

"With his light brown derby and his bright green tie, he was quite the handsomest of meeeeen!" Odysseus continued to sing, and Agamemnon just managed to avoid being trampled by the mule.

The son of Atreus looked to his companions, crestfallen. "Well, I suppose he really is crazy, if he doesn't even recognize that a man of my stature was in his path! Ah well, maybe we can blame any losses on one of those Ajax fellows..."

Penelope breathed a sigh of relief. Palamedes, however, had had quite enough. "Oh for the love of Zeus!" he cried, as he took young Telemachus from the arms of a shrieking Penelope and cast him into the path of the plow blade.

"Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ding, Ding, Ding went the bell! Zing, Zin-- I cannot do it! The chorus is too much!" Odysseus cried, as he diverted the mule from his young son. "Alright, you win! I will go with you to Troy!" When the plow came to a stop, he saw his son lying in sand. "Holy shit! I almost killed my own son! Well, that would have been a very unfortunate accident!"
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Roaring Biscuit! on December 25, 2010, 03:45:32 PM
its givin me a chuckle in ma soul thus far

Xx

edd
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on December 25, 2010, 07:48:43 PM
Quote from: Roaring Biscuit! on December 25, 2010, 03:45:32 PM
its givin me a chuckle in ma soul thus far

Xx

edd

Glad you enjoyed it.  :)
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on February 27, 2012, 06:30:06 PM
Another excerpt:
After the Greeks had landed and set up camp, Odysseus found Palamedes out fishing on the shore alone. Seeing an opportunity, he seized it and strode over to the man. "Palamedes, my good friend," he called joyously. "There's something I wanted to discuss with you..."

"Fuck off, Odysseus," Palamedes replied. "I have nothing to say to you. Leave me be, and be on your way."

Odysseus clicked his tongue. "Now, I can't do that, Palamedes," he said softly. "You see, it's your fault I'm here. Had you not been looking at me with absolute disgust the entire time I was singing, I wouldn't have gotten so self-conscious. Oh, and you threw my fucking son in front of the plow. That was low, man. I mean, fucking low." At this point, the bubbles had stopped, so Odysseus raised Palamedes' head out of the water. "I'm glad we could have this talk, Palamedes." he said with a cruel smile as he pushed the corpse out into the sea.

Later, at camp Diomedes approached him. "Hey, Odysseus. Have you seen Palamedes around anywhere?"

Odysseus chuckled. "why, yes, I saw him out fishing earlier. He should have no trouble finding bait now. One might even say that he himself is bait for his bait."   He chuckled again in a more sinister manner.

Diomedes was aghast. "You killed him? But why?"

Odysseus stared intently at his companion. "No one make a fool of me. You may tell Agamemnon what I have done if you wish, I cannot stop you. But you know that my skills are necessary to win this war, so you must chose. Victory or justice."

Diomedes looked torn. "You have my word, I will tell no one of this, Odysseus."
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Don Coyote on February 27, 2012, 06:32:29 PM
Christ what an asshole. :lulz:
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Cain on February 27, 2012, 06:39:44 PM
I prefer to think of him as more a Magnificent Bastard.  Which is assholism, but with style.
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on February 28, 2012, 06:56:15 AM
Quote from: Cain on February 27, 2012, 06:39:44 PM
I prefer to think of him as more a Magnificent Bastard.  Which is assholism, but with style.
Oh, certainly. He had style.
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Don Coyote on February 28, 2012, 07:01:02 AM
Never said I didn't like him. The dude is awesome.
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on February 28, 2012, 07:22:54 AM
I shift fairly frequently between admiration and disdain for Odysseus. Though he certainly knew how to play the game, and deserves respect for it. Recently I've been tempted to view him in a more sympathetic light, but he still has his dick moments.  :lulz:
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on April 04, 2012, 06:04:13 AM
bump
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 04, 2012, 08:02:54 AM
Keep it going, Phox! All the way to Odysseus deciding to walk around after the Trojan War is over, while Penelope weaves a tapestry and unravels it again every night for ten goddamn years to keep from having to fuck his meth mouth friends who flopped all over his house in his absence.
:lulz:
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on April 04, 2012, 05:55:32 PM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 04, 2012, 08:02:54 AM
Keep it going, Phox! All the way to Odysseus deciding to walk around after the Trojan War is over, while Penelope weaves a tapestry and unravels it again every night for ten goddamn years to keep from having to fuck his meth mouth friends who flopped all over his house in his absence.
:lulz:
That's the plan

Here's a nice story:

On the way to Troy, the expedition stopped off for supplies at several islands. Agamemnon, Philoctetes, Achilles, and Odysseus were among the landing party. It was these brave men who witnessed the downright bizarre series of events. On the first island they came to, Philoctetes bragged that it was here that he had personally scattered the ashes of Heracles. Intrigued, the others requested to see the very place that Heracles rested. However, Philoctetes had sworn never to reveal it. Under threat of death, he showed them by placing his right foot upon the spot. This proved to be a mistake, as his foot was immediately crippled and shriveled into a deformed mass of pure agony. The next island belonged to the nymph Chryse, and Philoctetes unluckily trespassed on her shrine,  resulting in a venomous snake biting his deformed foot. The third island Tenedos, found Achilles striking down King Tenes, the son of Apollo. After having trouble with his sister already, Agamemnon decided to appease Apollo as quickly as possible. The made a sacrifice to Apollo, but a snake came from the altar and struck at Achilles. The youth was too swift, however, and dodged the strike. Philoctetes, however was not so lucky, and the strike intended for Achilles' heel found Philoctetes' poor, poor foot. Finally, on Lemnos, a third snake, sent from Hera, who still desired to punish the companions of Heracles, attacked the massive target that was Philoctetes' right foot.

"Alright, now this is just fucking ridiculous," Odysseus said at last. "Phil is an Athena damned snake magnet. And he has a hex on him or something. Let's leave his crippled ass here."

There were murmurs of agreement, but Philoctetes spoke up. "Now, just a minute," he said frantically. "I'm fine. It's not so bad. Look, it's better than yesterday!" Seeing no sympathy, he desperately changed his plea. "I have the bow of Heracles you need me!"

Agamemnon shook his head. "Sorry, Phil, but Ody's right," he said authoritatively. "I mean look! Your foot is the size of a regulation NBA basketball! Dude, seriously, get some rest! If we need you, we'll send someone back to get you."

"No!" cried Philoctetes. "C'mon Aggie, just let me show you I can still be of use!"

Agamemnon shook his head. "Sorry, but my decision is final," turning to the others he said: "Alright, men! Let's move out! Next stop: Troy!" Cheers arose from the assembled men as they piled back into the boats. A chant of "Troy or Bust!" broke out.

Philoctetes raised an angry fist. "Odysseus, you cocksucker!" He called after the boats. "I'll never forgive you for this! You hear me!? NEVER!"
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on April 05, 2012, 03:53:23 AM
I'm enjoying this a great deal.
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on April 05, 2012, 04:53:33 PM
I have several more of these little excerpts written out, and I will be trying to post one a day as long as they last, and then I shall (with Twid's leave) begin unveiling another glorious idea in a similar vein.
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 07, 2012, 08:25:10 AM
Quote from: Doktor M. Phox0 on April 05, 2012, 04:53:33 PM
I have se ver
oH Maybe} Anyway My version: From the O'sage
White Foot was the NASCC (Um}? Ruler & she would let me In
K.A. was at the time dept head {anth and also chair Of NA studies
a new PsU dept, after the Arcatect finished turning the place she
built OVER. to me it was only natural to Listen AS SHE { easily heard
as a Greek Scholar  Would explain the Greek tradagies to Criss
{ Navaho | so shure i Listen when i had a chance, for I already
knew the Russians { funding the Filming of Criss as God Father 7
was to be a big CONtribeItOR in the upcomming Lock Downs @pcc
{ ok never mind the River clan Switch to Salt. So when I heard
the Gals R.G. & C.B. had been Listed for Spring, I did make my wonder
about N.V. A timid Li'L thing a bit to shy to be curator of CH41 on her
own. &  does need help with the Transition from book to USb bS
-
By Some coincident the height=69 string has captured my moments
AS an attempt to sort thru the skelaTONs in cH41 insues. the Lemars
{Um? Morst divers? of the Mammels | don't expect me to get it whrite
= =
its mostly long annatomical spelling with lots of 8x10 glossies
OK back to TNM IN order for K.A. to out me
As i already had the p.Man Link He had to Out White Foot
and as chair of NA studies was able to so due. exactly what
role the S.floods played is not lear to me at the moment
ONE day {i had a sched so could not make 75 and had to
ask the Library for the TAPE . only to discover AT THE LIBRARY
i was being set up by none other than SB , Some Bad vibes
probably the Zinfindel aroma from 59  4 get it where was thi
00:00 { nevr mind 1 Har to go.
"he height=69" No thats Me Height, he is about 6'2" of 6'5"
not 70 Kg more like 100 or 150 even. Ok pay ATTention,  Kid, is hers?
Look Just 'cause She Gave birth does not exactly mean it is.
He before she (after from across the Sea} Can be thought to have
an interest? U no doubt UNderstand those Triangle seXups more than i
i can only speculate the kid does NOT bear the name of the Father.
all that in Just 7 Min Leaving 53 to go. Bs Back to the Greek?
Ok picture this, the center was open {not on weekends)
(EVENT EXCEPTION} & the Delie Lamma had not yet arrived to stand
beside pole 3 SW to look out at me looking in
Lookout? SHE TW was giving the Greek I mean she was translating
the Greek into Navaho | so that | as the Air Condition | TAIL |
would be understood | by the NavHoes | for the | Russian |
Really cant U Har Har Har in some othe Tones {never mind then
:15 = 45 left   
Because by the time KA had managed to Sack the
Greek Translation | there won't be 1 | the trail leads off to OLD
Church is my guess | probably after Lent | the Condition of
the AIR condition will probably never be know. just as no one
at the UNiversity has the smarts to even get the Nez Perce
wall plack Voices bak to be heard once again
EnForced stupidity is such a drag. U should if you go to StoTT
find the NYPD blue boys cars there. the MAIN trail can be found
Naeth them by observation of Dryness Present  i'poise
22 ? TWO TAB approach

Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 07, 2012, 09:00:11 AM
30 Thirty left { sorry abut that i get moused so much on LiNE
i thought it best to save and move along
http://www.greekmythology.com/
i Really do not know if i will EVEN get close
all i know is it will not B as TW Was X'ed Mid Terms & NavHo X2ed
her ggoes anyway
Apollo, Aphrodite, ? Demeter,  Eris, thats about all i care to say
26 REM the best approach is to exit SH212 and head across
the grass(W) for the NYPD with abandon | Jog right and proceed West
between the LiBraRY & StooT Straight || past the A Field Right & Susan B&W
Left the trail takes one(or 2} West of the field so it is necessary to return
East once the back entry {stage Door | Of Hoffman is Found
CCW around HH to SEH and into waht was it 106 | leave a not on the
black board
42 18REM Greek green?/?
Figures , The Pleiades,  Minos,
ovies Clash of the Titans 45 aces Mount Oly
48 Euripides, Sophocles, Aristophanes, Plato
really I AM not sure Navaho was hard for me | almost as bad as NA''Ho
once U leave SEH it is wise to continue west across ?11th?
there is a garden  behind the fence there, & maybe a sign to sign up
for that access? from the 13th street garden? continue South across
the freway turn rigt past GC's old place 1st on right & clear on
around the loop to return back across the freway going East
behind you was the action of the '90s but my guess is that
that has moved across the branch to beaverton & to the Hallow
as the post '90s build up for them took place down by the INN 2REM
Wonderings of di0
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 07, 2012, 10:21:46 AM
01:25 2012 04/07 " Odysseus. We are sailing to Troy "
Od. We are sailing Kayak'N to Troy /-/Ardtack {RoSS)
http://www.mythweb.com/odyssey/
http://www.mythweb.com/odyssey/book04.html#notes2back
?BLUE? Newman told me not to bother with SmithsOn {/indexing #
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history-archaeology/book_review.html
http://fyreangyl.tripod.com/Mythology/odysseus.htm
ok Four Menelaus tells what he learned of Odysseus  ?
he sails from Troy. ?/?/?
http://www.mythweb.com/odyssey/background.html
http://thanasis.com/ody01.htm : the bow of Heracles,
which Philoctetes now owns... Odysseus and Diomedes
(or some say Neoptolemus) went to Philoctetes
in Lemnos, and having by craft got possession of the bow,
they persuaded him to sail to Troy.
RED Odysseus brought Neoptolemus |lives Neoptolemus took
http://www.maicar.com/GML/Neoptolemus.html
-
My guess is i took a wrong link? bak to Dialog

B9Yes it was nastalgic finding both
Listen its a steep decline not \ but |
B advised
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on April 07, 2012, 03:00:16 PM
Hmm. That's interesting, Hirley0. I am not at all familiar with Navajo, and I would most certainly be interested in learning how translating Greek into Navajo turns out.

In regards to the rest of your posts, I can't honestly say I fully understand you, but your links are fairly interesting. If you are inquiring about my versions of the stories, they are merely my own preferred versions. I, as a storyteller, have an agenda, and so I will use the stories as such. Speaking of which:

The Greeks had received an oracle that informed them that the first Greek to set foot on Trojan land would be the first to die by Trojan hands. Oracles had an annoying habit of rhyming, and the Greeks were reluctant to make such a terrible couplet come true. However, it was cunning Odysseus who overcame the terrible poetry through pedantry and deceit. As his ship was the first to arrive, he threw his shield to ground and leaped onto it, therefore not setting foot on Trojan land. Protesilaus was the next to leap down, and was killed in the first battle with the Trojans.
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 07, 2012, 03:46:23 PM
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php/topic,27831.msg1162758.html#msg1162758
most certainly be interested in learning how translating Greek into Navajo turns out.
YES'Sum: its not a tail of gay cableYaRows Galloping into the Horse
Latatudes. Rather it was Narative? of Gals & Guys doing their{V thing?
Togather at Times 7 at Times NOT. iT has not wound UP: it is ongoing | TBC in 11 min

6:46:23 ? 6:57:58.1 at 06:58:39
turns out. / wound UP ? tab Left{ was outed | (comanchie C.P. in
Navaho {CP also left to sealTH is my understanding { not in tune:
"irty left { sorry abut that i get moused so much on LiNE"

version: From the O'sage whats going on. a class at 1 at PS
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php/topic,32112.msg1162713.html#msg1162713

? Protesilaus ?
at 06:58:39.00
Prōtesilāus , in Greek myth, Thessalian prince, son of Iphiclus.
Soon after his marriage he left
http://www.mlahanas.de/Greeks/Mythology/Protesilaus.html
originally known as Iolaus, but began being called
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 07, 2012, 04:15:10 PM
Saturday green / 6 Ik{wind
iOnly hope U see | My telepathic connections | DO NOT eXist
aLL thats left is teleK, in English? the dirt in your Mouse


:fnord: Nav-Ho   (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php/topic,30708.msg1162608.html#msg1162608) :fnord: Come&Si  (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php/topic,30708.msg1162572.html#msg1162572) :fnord: YacSumMa   (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php/topic,32057.msg1162560.html#msg1162560) {enter Tp East to West


yes'Su (Um? by Word from Mouth To mouth }
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 08, 2012, 08:17:09 AM
8 KAN
7 AKBAL{darkness
22:01 2012 / 7 AKBAL{darkness... follows wind(chorteL
So: i seeno reason not to revisit the translation. from yakamaw
to Navajo | Listening to her tell the tails it was easy to hear
her love/devotion the meriod of details (stick to paint} and He
was a Questioning follower & person of Solid standing there{nascc
-
My interpretation is something like this: they communED in the
present tence such that the Mythical greeks had people present
likness OR persona | there were guy & gal ? couple | & the usuall
heros & not so heroic: Mostly the NARAtive considered place of
the substance that held the meaning to coagulate the sorted details
?
perhaps 5 or 7 sequence occuring durring a finite time period
perhaps referenced befor & after WHATEVER. sO? I'LL SEARCH for
those?/? after 22:14 Whitch is Now. the whiTching hour! i've FF11
/
facebook.com/yakamama : ? : http://portland.indymedia.org/en/2010/09/402174.shtml
So needless for me to say : much of the walk & talk was about WALK & TALK
leaving Portland Oregon: http://navajopeople.org/ Navajo People - The Diné
~
Places Mount Olympus,
The Underworld? Hades vast palace, complete with many guests.
, Tartarus ?
.
Where: The Red & Black Cafe - 400 SE 12th Ave


B9 Yes it was nastalgic finding both
Listen its a steep decline not \ but |
B advised
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on April 10, 2012, 04:16:08 PM
The staging point Agamemnon had chosen was located at Aulis. Here, the allies gathered their forces, a thousand ships strong. All appeared to be ready, but no favorable wind blew. The collected forces could not set sail to Troy with the wind against them. They waited for many days with no change. Agamemnon was persuaded to consult the soothsayer Calchas to discover the reason for the ill wind.

Taking only his most trusted companions, Diomedes and Odysseus, (yes, Odysseus was one of Agamemnon's most trusted companions for some reason), Agamemnion consulted the seer. "Oh great oracle!" he said in his booming voice. "Tell me what fool is responsible for this affront to me! How can I possibly gain any glory if my Zeus-damned ships won't move!?"

Calchas rolled his eyes. "It's your fault, you idiot. The auspices say that you killed a sacred deer in Artemis' sacred grove, and now she's pissed off at you."

Agamemnon grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his neck. "Oh, that," he said quietly. "Umm. Well, there must be a way to appease her, right? I mean, it was just a deer."   
Calchas shrugged and sighed deeply. "You could sacrifice your daughter, Iphigenia, to Artemis. A virgin sacrifice always appeases her."

Agamemnon stared at Calchas, mouth agape. "That's it? That's fucking easy!" He leaped to his feet enthusiastically. "Ody, Dio, my buds, go fetch my daughter. It shouldn't be hard to get her to come with you."

At Mycenae, Odysseus and Diomedes found Iphigenia playing in a field of wild flowers. Odysseus smiled slyly as he turned to Diomedes and said "Piece of cake." Diomedes just shook his head slowly as Odysseus strolled confidently over to the young girl. "Hello, little girl, we were sent by your father, Agamemnon, and we..." Before he could finish his sentence, a large rock struck his head, as a shrill whistle pierced the silence of the meadow.
"Stranger danger! Stranger danger!" the little girl called as she ran across the field, occasionally blowing the whistle for good measure.

Diomedes helped a wobbly Odysseus to his feet. "Ah dun wanna go te skool t'dee, Mummy," was all Odysseus managed to say before several armed men were bearing down upon them.
Diomedes, the more intelligent of the two, raised his hands to show that he was unarmed. Unfortunately, Odysseus had not yet regained the ability to stand on his own, and fell flat on his face.

He awoke several hours later in a dungeon cell of some sort. Diomedes was sitting next to him, silently contemplating the bars in front of them. "Odysseus awoke several hours later in a daze," he said, "He found himself in a dungeon cell of some sort, and he noticed that his boon companion Diomedes was staring at him disapprovingly, for reasons that he could not fathom."  Odysseus shook his head once to clear it. "So, that went well," he said as cheerily as he could muster (which was surprisingly much). "Where are we?"

Diomedes looked at his companion with the eye of a father measuring up a son who has made a dreadful mistake of judgment. "We are the guests of honor in Agamemnon's palace. Iphigenia wanted so much to introduce us to Clytemnestra that she had some heavily armed guards escort us here right away. Brilliant plan, Ody, just brilliant."

Odysseus smiled winningly. "Naturally," he said without a hint of sarcasm. "But come, Diomedes, let's not dwell on the mistakes of the past. We're here, in Agamemnon's home. I'm sure once we explain ourselves, Clytemnestra will release us and we can be about our business."

Diomedes just shook his head once again as a guard approached the cell. "You two, on your feet. The queen will see you now," he said with a sadistic glee that can only come from prison guards.

Odysseus got quickly to his feet and dusted himself off with enthusiasm. "See, I told you it would all work out," he said glibly to his companion before turning his full attention to the guard. "Lead on, kind guardsman; we are eager to clear our illustrious names of these heinous charges."

Odysseus and Diomedes were brought before Clytemnestra and cast down to their knees. Clytemnestra rose from her seat and looked haughtily over the prisoners. "Well, you scoundrels thought my husband's home would be undefended in his absence, did you? Well, you were wrong. What have you to say for yourselves, varlets?"

Odysseus smiled his winning smile and tried to rise, but was quickly cast back down. After brushing himself off a bit, he spoke. "Greetings, madam," he addressed her with the proper respect, but something in his tone was more flirtatious than was appropriate, causing Diomedes to cringe and the guard to mutter angrily. Clytemnestra, however, blushed slightly. He continued. "I am Odysseus of Ithaca, and this is my boon companion Diomedes of Argos. Your husband Agamemnon entrusted us with an important task. We are to bring young Iphigenia to him at Aulis. We are only following the wishes of your great husband."

Clytemnestra, though thrown off guard by Odysseus' charm, regained her composure. "Impossible!" she said curtly. "Agamemnon is in Troy by now, fighting the likes of Hector and Aeneas, winning great glory! However, I know your names! You are tricksters of the worst sort! Agamemnon is constantly taking about the wiles of cunning Odysseus, and cursing his name! Though, you Diomedes, he spoke highly of. Why you would throw your lot in with this scoundrel will surely be a mystery to Agamemnon!"

Odysseus was flustered by this revelation, but Diomedes was unperturbed, and rather invigorated. "Odysseus speaks the truth, my lady," he said in a courtly manner, bowing his head ever so slightly. "The winds have been foul these past months, and in that time Agamemnon has grown so fond of young Achilles, that he wishes for him to marry Iphigenia, to cement their friendship and to bring Achilles into his house!"

Odysseus looked at Diomedes with mixture of shock and admiration. "Dio, you clever devil... I mean, uh..." he cleared his throat. "Yes, Iphigenia is to be the bride of Achilles. And, as part of his dowry, Agamemnon is going to make Achilles admiral of the whole fleet, so that his mother Thetis may intervene with Poseidon and grant us safe travel and favorable winds!"

Diomedes stared in disbelief at the preposterous tale of Odysseus, but had no choice but to confirm it. Clytemnestra was unsure how to act, but just then a letter from Agamemnon arrived. For some reason, she read it aloud with the prisoners still on the floor.

QuoteDear Clytie Muffin,

I am greatly pleased to inform you that I have grown so fond of young Achilles over these past months, that I wish for him to marry our daughter Iphigenia, in order to cement our friendship and bring him into my house! I have already made him admiral of the entire fleet, as part of the dowry. Please send her to Aulis straight away. Oh and i you happen to see that bumbling oaf Odysseus, and that dear sweet boy Diomedes, please tell them that they are incompetent buffoons and probably bungled up the simple task of bringing my daughter to me. If they didn't, I will not only resign as commander of the expedition and grant the title to Diomedes, but I will also give Odysseus an atomic wedgie.

Sincerely,
Aggie Poo


Diomedes slapped himself in the forehead and Odysseus smiled that insufferable smile of his as they were released from their bonds.
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Freeky on April 10, 2012, 04:40:04 PM
 :lol:  Aggie poo.
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on April 10, 2012, 04:51:10 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on April 10, 2012, 04:40:04 PM
:lol:  Aggie poo.
I think Agamemnon is one of my favorite characters to write for. I don't know why. I like writing for the ultimate Jerkass. It's just kind of amusing. On of my favorites scenes in the Iliad is where he promises to give Achilles his girl back, plus a few other girls, shit tons of lucre, and a couple of cities to rule, and then tacks on: "But, I can totally afford to give all that shit to you and STILL have more than you, because I'm motherfucking Agamemnon, motherfucker."  :lulz:
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Too
Post by: hirley0 on April 10, 2012, 05:36:02 PM
fine Will copy/paste to  http://www.webcrawler.com/
& get back before the hour changes {maybe

Quote from: Doktor M. Phox0 on April 10, 2012, 04:51:10 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on April 10, 2012, 04:40:04 PM
:lol:  Aggie poo.
I king Agamemnon, moth


Agamemnon located at Aulis at 8:41 / 09:39 2012 04/10 pdT
Jun 13, 2011... BBC: Euripides' Iphigenia at Aulis which starred Roy Marsden
as Agamemn ? SONG OF ROLAND[8]..

MyTH :fnord:  (http://www.scribd.com/doc/6009249/Jenny-March-Cassells-Dictionary-of-Classical-Mythology) Many Transition delays SoRRy 4T
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 10, 2012, 08:23:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor M. Phox0 on April 10, 2012, 04:51:10 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on April 10, 2012, 04:40:04 PM
:lol:  Aggie poo.
I think Agamemnon is one of my favorite characters to write for. I don't know why. I like writing for the ultimate Jerkass. It's just kind of amusing. On of my favorites scenes in the Iliad is where he promises to give Achilles his girl back, plus a few other girls, shit tons of lucre, and a couple of cities to rule, and then tacks on: "But, I can totally afford to give all that shit to you and STILL have more than you, because I'm motherfucking Agamemnon, motherfucker."  :lulz:

:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 11, 2012, 12:35:04 AM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 10, 2012, 08:23:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor M. Phox0 on April 10, 2012, 04:51:10 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on April 10, 2012, 04:40:04 PM
I
U Lost me some When?Where

myTH
4Me Reality itself is a myth, each creature? creates there own,
& most likely no two are identical. simularities shirley.
- -
thus when i describe | i try to be in a narative mode  | failed
THUS its hunt & pick Rather than naration. back2case | OK? the
details are the shadows, any hidden truth is revieled by shadow
: : :
the shadow in both the BBC & THE NHK versions were from Left
to right on the TV SCREEN ===> mY guess is the BBC Close up?
were shot in the Morning & the group video in the PM.
? ? ? ?
for the shadow to Li Base=Left to Top=Right in both the
recording camera would have to be facing opposite? AM?S
& PM?N { i mean Northerly | Well forget it then? Look 4Me
the tail is not about a rocket anyway? its about the Ground
/
there they stand (sit or squat}ON. Pointing cameras off
into some distant place, while completly ignoring what is
right under their feet? OH MY well i guess i UNderstand ES
East in my opinion {OK Easterly is the Rocket side and S
South is the Right { i mean southern { SIDE OF THE TOWer ?
~
of couse i could be all wet, it was a nice day here, My
laundry should be dry| 1/3 hr break || OK where was i prior
to Lawndry | oh yeah the rocket side AM assuming East?
& shadow to East{rocket side) in the AM aka BBC view South?
.
0ok so its the wepOn? Translate to BOW in greek Hows bow?
Well it was the Magic Bow required to go after Helen? i
guess. Listen Romley {prio/prior/? psu pres | was also
A greek scholer? U can tell by their garb? {never mind WHo0
3:33&1/3
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Phox on April 11, 2012, 01:05:54 AM
Quote from: hirley0 on April 11, 2012, 12:35:04 AM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 10, 2012, 08:23:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor M. Phox0 on April 10, 2012, 04:51:10 PM
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on April 10, 2012, 04:40:04 PM
I
U Lost me some When?Where

myTH
4Me Reality itself is a myth, each creature? creates there own,
& most likely no two are identical. simularities shirley.
- -
thus when i describe | i try to be in a narative mode  | failed
THUS its hunt & pick Rather than naration. back2case | OK? the
details are the shadows, any hidden truth is revieled by shadow
: : :
the shadow in both the BBC & THE NHK versions were from Left
to right on the TV SCREEN ===> mY guess is the BBC Close up?
were shot in the Morning & the group video in the PM.
? ? ? ?
for the shadow to Li Base=Left to Top=Right in both the
recording camera would have to be facing opposite? AM?S
& PM?N { i mean Northerly | Well forget it then? Look 4Me
the tail is not about a rocket anyway? its about the Ground
/
there they stand (sit or squat}ON. Pointing cameras off
into some distant place, while completly ignoring what is
right under their feet? OH MY well i guess i UNderstand ES
East in my opinion {OK Easterly is the Rocket side and S
South is the Right { i mean southern { SIDE OF THE TOWer ?
~
of couse i could be all wet, it was a nice day here, My
laundry should be dry| 1/3 hr break || OK where was i prior
to Lawndry | oh yeah the rocket side AM assuming East?
& shadow to East{rocket side) in the AM aka BBC view South?
.
0ok so its the wepOn? Translate to BOW in greek Hows bow?
Well it was the Magic Bow required to go after Helen? i
guess. Listen Romley {prio/prior/? psu pres | was also
A greek scholer? U can tell by their garb? {never mind WHo0
3:33&1/3
Wow, I started to make sense of this, and then the next paragraph would have me lost again.  :lol:

I am not entirely sure what you are saying, but if I can answer a question that might be pertinent to you (maybe) or others, the reason the Bow of Heracles is important is that it is one of the many prophesied conditions that needed to be fulfilled in order for Troy to fall. (And *SPOILER ALERT* Odysseus is one of the dudes sent back to bring it to Troy when they find this out).

I also appreciate the random bits and links you are dropping in this thread, hirley. Some of the links in particular are helpful if people are interested in more of the backstory to these myths I am telling.  :)
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A To::
Post by: hirley0 on April 11, 2012, 01:37:07 PM
THE 5:33*& 1/3 COVERAGE live of BBC was deleted prior to 40 serian tail
Quote from: Doktor M. Phox0 on April 11, 2012, 01:05:54 AM
U Lost my entry some When prior to  5:43
myTH  Wow, I started to
5:44 TBC 6:06:06.06 pdT ? at 05:07:33 AM
:fnord:  (http://neic.usgs.gov/neis/eq_depot/2012/eq_120411_c00090da/neic_c00090da_p.html) Well i lost the here & now part soRRy
Pick 6:09 Li 10 there was no TENTh LiNE according to my count
so this cut from 9 ?~" tory to these myths I am telli "~?
teLL U what ? will try2 ":: ALERT* Od ::" the dude WAS d. eads{sp
Bow of Heracles is import i can NOT tell if you R explaing
2Me the front part of a ship called Her* OR a device for shooting AN arrow OR?
i WiLL crawL around anyway  Bow of Heracles is in port

the possession of Philoctetes (who had acquired Hercules' bow and .... 80. If we don't get our hands on that man's bow, ..... or any port where he can buy and sell ...
www.richerresourcespublications.com/.../Philoctetes-excerpt.pdf

:29 time to watch tv Sorry /-/ bak in an hour
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on April 11, 2012, 03:23:07 PM
You have my leave phox :)
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 11, 2012, 05:57:01 PM
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on April 11, 2012, 03:23:07 PM
You have my leave phox :)

its a tough call? /-/owever this anyway ... iV the possession of Philoctetes Here at the Fountain Computer
{not mine) the fountain FOUNTAIN was broken Yesterday and today it in pieces? Moving along anyway

TWO TAB SOLUTION: { i sure get a strang version http://www.webcrawler.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philoctetes {  Book 2 describes his exile on the island of Lemnos,
http://philoctetes.org/home/ { closing our space and discontinuing our programs
The problem is not that they 04/07/12} https://www.nationalreview.com/user/lemnos%20philoctetes/comments

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php/topic,29775.msg1163821.html#msg1163821 M4
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A To: 1:30-2PMpdT
Post by: hirley0 on April 11, 2012, 10:24:01 PM
 F_f2  W was Yesterday {in places / 5:47 bBC problems 6.5B
As U May guess iget no where{OH My 2:30 end of trail
^ READ UP ^
My? attempt to translate WORDS/phrases in this thread
{ An Excerpt from: W| into an assortment{Jungle) of Native{UNnatural)
sound{ei from another star other than the Sun) {{ the pliedies / big dipper||
the first to translate is BOW 0 http://www.native-languages.org/languages.htm
1 http://www.native-languages.org/yakama-legends.htm
  Coyote is the trickster figure
2 http://www.native-languages.org/navajo.htm
   ---2PM-- got lost 2nd try
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigenous_languages_of_the_Americas
2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigenous_languages_of_the_Americas
    Navajo is by far the most widely spoken language of the Na-Dene family,
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Navajo_language
         nouns in other languages appear as verbs in Navajo.
               http://www.lapahie.com/Dine_Bizaad.cfm  | Glottal Stop ?
                                                                    aa' – as in k'aa' (arrow)
1 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yakama_Nation
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yakama_Nation#Language
        Walla Walla Council (1855) and the Yakima War of 1855  || 2:22
     
                     
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A To: 1:30-2PMpdT
Post by: hirley0 on April 12, 2012, 03:25:14 PM
22:33&1/3Z / i do not see CAIN listed currently so i will take up my
opposition to the various go.mint positions on the Z (im=in'''ER MAN
case? my next move will be to MAp in on the Launch{Sat) Site
& suggest that not only do THEY not have the SHELL that aroused
these BLACK Letters against the OFF white backgrounds {80 Mil No maP
BBC . . . & its back to the Bath 4Me & my new Treat MINT 4MsRa V


NoOn Nikki Haley
http://nikkihaley.com/
http://www.nikkihaley.com/about-nikki/
   http://twitter.com/#!/NikkiHaleyDaily
      http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nikki-Haley/105653856135055
pdT



Quote from: hirley0 on April 11, 2012, 10:24:01 PM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yakama_Nation#Language   
     Navajo is by far the most widely spoken language of the Na-Dene family,
          nouns in other languages appear as verbs in Navajo.
                    Walla Walla Council (1855) and the Yakima War of 1855 
MANKIN? In Times Like These {ITLT) {{ Lots of Q.activity)) :fnord:  (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php/topic,29775.15/msg,1163821.html)
(Curently NHK is reporting on the 2004 v 8.2 yesterday} see Link 7:07
-
NOW ? back to Now/Bow/How in native Word / using two tab tricks
speaking of "TRICK" the 2nd story teminal has 2nd page? So its 2PAGE/2tab
on 2nd computer v 2TAB HERE on {i mean in Apt 502 OK 7:13 find dictionary:
N->E (http://www.alphadictionary.com/directory/Languages/North_American_Languages/Navajo/) NoTe i see no E->N ? Donno
(Um} "THE" noun2verb Trick is Tricky? for it converts inAnimate
object ("BOW") & gAve it A Life{?} OR activity of its own  "LIFE" 7:32
----------- BAC2------- LiNk --->
http://cdd.unm.edu/cspd/navajo_glossary/
  http://cdd.unm.edu/cspd/navajo_glossary/navajo_glossary_b.htm
    7:43 AT This time my wires got crossed so i had to use the save wav way
       :44 & will D'La report'N till tomorrow /-/
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A T
Post by: hirley0 on April 13, 2012, 04:51:33 PM
SUNDAY 4/15 4:16bt  take week off?

13 MuAuC / y receiving some award for outstanding scholarship on Sunday. Awesome.
Some information about ticket prices might help. So: i went to the box OFFice to Buy
{once in 20 year eveNT) and it was closed (Yes'N Crystal was} there was a note
go around the corner if U want2. I went around & went in {never mind| it took like
1/3 of an hour to get 3 tickets to June in a place where the only people who appeared to be EVEn Awake were discussing At length how exactly to move 1 foot
in an approach to the pool table. it would possibly take 2 years to even face the balls | now where was I? oh yeah aWEsome? & just exactly {in pasos is a wee SUM


12 LAMAT My New  A tac :fnord:  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trojan_War)  ki/Troj ? Did you mean: cherokee syllabary?
No: i meant English{BOW) to Navajo{dictionary| Smart As Sum'R
.htm  :fnord:  (http://www.native-languages.org/cherokee_alphabet.htm)
am apparently receiving some award for outstanding scholarship {Friday 13th
Yeah: Moving on anyway | if only iCould: there is the Nip tail to Nip in the BUD
{THAT HOWEVER IS NOT IT | it is obviously the Yellow Sea trail} Yes of course i do
watch DW.DE / BBC & NHK coverage of the rocket = non existant Friday 13th so far
next edition in about an hour, so until Sunday Will devote this space/time to the
Greek version of this TBC |2tab2|}TV_g :fnord:  (https://www.wherever.tv/partners/greece/index.jsf?gclid=CLO45vTSsq8CFSM0QgodWAIaGA)
1:27 www.cnn.com/video/ {inop trol?
:29 http://www.abc.net.au/news/abcnews24/ {Sorry, this video cannot be played
'Absolute failure' Mark Willacy says North Korea's rocket launch has been
:30 http://www.nasa.gov/multimedia/nasatv/schedule.html
Friday, April 13, 2012 Click to Choose a Date 1:30 PM | sharp as A _
Read 518 10:55 Jes checking55 Q days seam past | no more Rockets Red Glare
about aLL thats Left, the trials, murder, ongoing, Months After Month, go TVid's
My guess Prosecution  gets paid very well for less than star like qualities?
All individuals found in violation, after the new facts appear on TV in the 3rd week
of 6.
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 13, 2012, 09:55:20 PM
ROCKET LAUNCH on nasa link above 1,8?? about 10 times more views than  ?
a more complex 3 word quest {Korean rocket launch) hangs their sYs sIs
AUS  :fnord: (http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/1642213/Q&A:-NKorea%27s-rocket-launch---what-next)
rocket (http://www.sbs.com.au/news/video/2222324432/North-Korean-rocket-fails)


Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: hirley0 on April 15, 2012, 08:39:54 PM
13:33&1/3 pdT so yeah all ready the search is underway for ocket {that is
the YELLOW SEA fragment, of the 3rd stage Rocket, of the April 2011 ? Launch
OR Greek} miss(ALL){eL}(SE){sUM) TBC  :fnord:  (http://www.spacelaunchreport.com/)
Sunday ? limegree  the new week begins
it sure NOT be easy to sync?  ^ read up ^  lookfor ? 12:34:56 pdT
Title: Re: An Excerpt from: Why Odysseus Is A Tool
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 27, 2013, 10:28:19 PM
Bump.