Scholar still.

[Kai]

"It ain't all about the dollar bill, you could be dead broke and be a scholar still."

Someone produced this line here on PD recently. In this current funk I've been in, no job, living with my parents, no paying opportunities in my field, very little progress on my research, continued difficulty finding a job, etc.,

this has all of a sudden become really poignant. I looked it up, found out it's in a hip hop rhyme by MF Doom. And in context it doesn't make much sense to me. Out of context it sounds like a godsend.

Now, seriously, what the fuck have I been doing for the last several weeks? Sure, I've gotten out and enjoyed this beautiful weather, I've worked through the reviewer comments for two of the papers I have in review (one of which I just got a message about, which suggests to me it may be in publication very soon), I've cleaned up and organized. All of these things are beneficial and worth it in of themselves. And I still wake up depressed every morning because come December I have 10s of thousands of dollars in loans to start paying off and I haven't received a paycheck since April. For the past 3 years I've been living on my own means, and now I'm essentially freeloading and it's stressing me the hell out. Sure, I've worked at the above things and that's good, but I've otherwise done fuck all since I've gotten back to Wisconsin. My excuse has been that I need a stereo microscope and a supply of 80% EtOH to get things done, but what kind of fucking excuse is that? I've been worried about money up the wazoo, but the loan payments are small and still months off, and I have a 10 thousand dollar nest egg if I'm not employed by that point. So why am I so bent out of shape?

MF Doom has it right. There's no reason to be bent out of shape other than unrealistic expectations that I'm putting on myself. It's not about my parents, they asked me to come back here after I got done with the Field Museum. If they ever have a real problem I'll just leave. It's not about not having a microscope either, or a wet lab, or any number of special things.

This is all about the mentality of not allowing myself to enjoy the hell out of being interested. All my subscriptions (free, no less) to e-tables of contents have lapsed. I didn't even read them anymore, hell, I haven't read much of anything recently. What happened to re learning math, to the caddisfly bibliography, to actually going out and doing field surveys just to do it? And there's this idea that I've got to please someone about my race to find a paycheck, that if I'm not looking for work and sitting by the phones every second some opportunity is going to pass me by.

Well, it's NOT. The job market is as shit as it's going to get for me, as in, no jobs available. It will either stay this way, or opportunities will increase. Doom said, you can be dead broke and be a scholar still, but I'm not even broke. There's no fucking problem except releasing myself of expectations. So lets get down to some research and learning.

[Doktor Howl]

[LMNO]

Kai is riding the correct priority-focusing motorcycle.

[Luna]

Awesome, Kai!

[Jenne]

  Right on.  Wish more people would take their disappointment in themselves in hand like this!

[Pæs]

Fuck yeah.

[Telarus]

Very nice!

[Kurt Christ]

I love these moments of clarity, when you realize that your stress is self-inflicted and you can just fucking stop.
Best wishes with regard to your papers and job hunt, but above all remember not to beat yourself up too much.

[Reginald Ret]

Go Kai!

[Suu]

Never stop learning.

NEVER.

And you don't even need to sit in a classroom to do it.

However, I was excited for a second, thinking that you were definitely taking the plunge into going for your Ph.D. (Seriously, Doctor, not just Doktor Kai, sounds awesome!) and I know that you and I have talked about our futures in academia, and how you weren't feelin' the doctorate just yet. But it's all good,why?

Because you're a goddamn industry professional, that's why, and you always will be. Fuck another diploma for now. You got this shit.

[Richter]

  Inspiring.
I need to remind myself of this when I get down on the job, life, etc.

[Cramulus]

glad to hear it helped, Kai. That MF Doom line has gotten me through some hard times.