Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Or Kill Me => Topic started by: BADGE OF HONOR on May 12, 2010, 06:53:06 AM

Title: And then...nothing.
Post by: BADGE OF HONOR on May 12, 2010, 06:53:06 AM
It was the end: September 21.

I came home from school to a houseful of anxiety.  My mother, in her usual chair.  My father, sitting nearby.  I could tell something was wrong even before I heard her short, shallow gasps.  She had choked on a cream cheese danish--she often had trouble swallowing food--and had gone into respiratory distress.  Her lungs finally lost the fight, but her body just didn't know it yet.

I think mom knew she was going to die that day.  She insisted that we call my sister, so that she could talk to her one last time with that wasted, wrecked voice.  She bore all of our ministrations with her usual stoicism--or perhaps just trying to breathe took so much concentration that she couldn't complain.  I remember, far into the night, discussing whether to give her more of the morphine that the hospice worker said might help.  "I don't want to kill you," I said.  She just looked at me.

At some point in the night she grew too weak to cough, so we took turns pounding her back.  It must have hurt.  In the morning, she told my dad "Happy birthday."  I don't know but I think those were her last words.

Later in the day.  Everyone else had left.  I was sitting by her bed, holding her hand when the realization slowly penetrated her breathing had changed, transformed from the tortured rasps of a runner to something almost mechanical.  It took me even longer to realize that she was no longer conscious.  I knew she wasn't ever going to wake up.  Just looking at her body heaving with every deep, slow, gurgling breath...I was intimately familiar with it.  I'd been keeping her alive for six months.  I'd known it was coming.  It was almost a relief to see the end...almost.

Still later.  My dad and the hospice lady had returned.  I went to the bathroom.  Perhaps mom had been waiting for me to leave the room, because when I came back her breathing had changed again.  Quiet breaths, with long pauses in between, pauses growing longer and longer.  I remember the sunlight streaming sideways into the room, touching on her beautiful white hair.  I remember crying as quietly as I could.  I remember my dad saying to her, "Shh.  It's okay, you can go now.  It's okay."  Eventually there were no more breaths.

And that was the end.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Lies on May 12, 2010, 06:58:51 AM
Wow Badge...

I don't know what to say...

It's both beautiful and sad...

*hugs*
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: NotPublished on May 12, 2010, 07:30:45 AM
That really touched me Badge...

Sorry to hear about that
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: LMNO on May 12, 2010, 02:38:03 PM
ATTN: Good writers at PD.com.


Stop making my cry at work.  Srsly.


Love,
LMNO
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Richter on May 12, 2010, 02:43:33 PM
Sorry to hear, and well done.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Jenne on May 12, 2010, 02:47:54 PM
I know that had to be hard to write, it was hard to read.  Brava.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Eater of Clowns on May 12, 2010, 03:15:24 PM
Very well done, badge.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Cramulus on May 12, 2010, 03:18:42 PM
great writing, badger. And I'm real sorry that it's nonfiction.

:hugs:
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 12, 2010, 04:14:49 PM
That was really beautiful and moving.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 12, 2010, 04:22:25 PM
 :sad:
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Adios on May 12, 2010, 04:24:30 PM
You made me cry. This is how my mother died with her hand in mine.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Jasper on May 12, 2010, 04:30:44 PM
I keep trying to think of the right words to respond to this with, but I don't have them.  It made me sad, but it was not 'sad' in the usual maudlin sense.  More a feeling of quiet complexity and...  I don't know.  The feeling you get when life is cruel and you're trying to deal with it gracefully.  The way life makes me feel at times like these, I can't get myself to cry and yet no other emotion would be appropriate.   So I just work through the hurt in my quiet way.  That's how this struck me.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: BADGE OF HONOR on May 12, 2010, 06:37:10 PM
Thanks.  It's taken me almost four years to get to the point where I could tell the whole story.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Adios on May 12, 2010, 07:28:38 PM
Quote from: BADGE OF HONOR on May 12, 2010, 06:37:10 PM
Thanks.  It's taken me almost four years to get to the point where I could tell the whole story.

I admire your courage.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Juana on May 12, 2010, 09:50:17 PM
That last line got me. Wow. :( I'm sorry, Badge.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: MMIX on May 12, 2010, 10:09:21 PM
Quote from: Hawk on May 12, 2010, 07:28:38 PM
Quote from: BADGE OF HONOR on May 12, 2010, 06:37:10 PM
Thanks.  It's taken me almost four years to get to the point where I could tell the whole story.

I admire your courage.

this

and I admire your writing
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Pope Pixie Pickle on May 13, 2010, 12:26:18 AM
:cry:

That took courage, badge.

Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: BADGE OF HONOR on May 13, 2010, 11:26:56 PM
Oh, another thing.  I'll never think of "he died in his sleep" the same way again.  I'd rather die with my eyes wide open, thank you.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on May 14, 2010, 03:41:49 AM
This is really beautiful Badge.

You're a great writer.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: Triple Zero on May 14, 2010, 02:56:48 PM
I, too, was moved by this story. Moved in a way only very few posts on this board have done (the others were by Roger, ECH, Payne and P3nt, IIRC).
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: -Kel- on May 29, 2010, 03:18:20 AM
jesus, you're getting a giant hug next time i see you.
Title: Re: And then...nothing.
Post by: PaddleFoot on May 31, 2010, 07:03:55 PM
Well written, however I am sorry to hear that.