Cainad, you will assist me.

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, September 14, 2015, 05:47:50 AM

Previous topic - Next topic
Print
Go Down Pages1 2
User actions

The Good Reverend Roger

September 14, 2015, 05:47:50 AM
Please tell me of the roads of your wretched, filthy heretical state.

I have need of this information. 

I expect the correct amount of enthusiasm and adjectives.  Profanity will be indulged.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cainad (dec.)

#1
September 14, 2015, 05:38:38 PM
The roads?

Ah yes, the roads of New York. What can be said about them that is not already written in black rubber, shattered glass, discarded mufflers, and the corpses of deer?

Alas, many cannot read such an abstracted form of language, so I must strive to put it into mere words. First, the roads of Long Island.

On a map in comparison to the rest of North America, Long Island seems to be merely a somewhat exaggerated and expensive sandbar. What the reader must understand is that Long Island is long. Very, very long. The warmer the weather, longer it is. A trip to the Hamptons can take 2 hours in November and a lifetime in June. There are only about 4 major roads that go north-to-south on the island, all the others lead directly into the city. You must pay a toll for the privilege of leaving the island, either by bridge or by boat.

And then there are the deer. Lord save us, the deer.

They are as the Biblical Plagues of Moses, except no one on Long Island is willing to give up the sin of being in the real estate market. So the deer are fruitful and multiply. They're practically fucking in the middle of the damned expressway. We have abandoned traffic barriers and now simply rely on piles of deer bones to cushion the assholes who think they can cut ahead by driving on the shoulder. When it becomes too much, the deer carcasses are taken to landfills. The mass slaughter of the deer will, I predict, provide enough fill to raise Long Island above sea level when the ice caps melt.

But enough of this shit. What you are all really here for is New York City. The Big Apple. The Stinkhouse. Where the hipsters go to die.

The roads of The City are, famously, arranged in a grid. This is true for approximately 10% of the actual area of the city you will drive through. The vast majority of the roads are paved in gum and styrofoam cups, and are made for horses. Once you are on the roads of The City, you have but two options: find one of the bridges that will lead to your salvation, or pray to every god you can think of that The Tunnels will be merciful today. Because, of course, you will not be parking here today. Why didn't you take the train, asshole?

The Tunnels are where six lanes of traffic must compress down to two. Here, you would expect me t report drivers reduced to total barbarism and anarchy. Well, we might be in New York, but we aren't goddamn Bostonians, for fuck's sake. At The Tunnels, there is only the most token effort at being a dickhead, and folks move glacially towards the entrance in relatively orderly fashion. There is a kind of horrible peace as you all lose years of your life wondering why you didn't take to Cross Island Parkway. WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE THE PARKWAY I'M THROWING THIS GPS INTO THE FUCKING HUDSON RIVER.

LMNO

#2
September 14, 2015, 05:51:54 PM
1. Could be worse, could be the BQE.

2.  You ain't kidding about the deer.

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
September 14, 2015, 06:29:29 PM
Very nicely done.

Cainad gets to live another day.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#4
September 14, 2015, 06:30:31 PM
LMNO, your rebuttal?  Why Masshole roads are worse?
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Eater of Clowns

#5
September 14, 2015, 06:41:40 PM
Masshole roads are worse because LMNO is on them.
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

The Good Reverend Roger

#6
September 14, 2015, 06:53:17 PM
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on September 14, 2015, 06:41:40 PM
Masshole roads are worse because LMNO is on them.

No, EoC, I have personal experience that they are worse because you are on them.  In your car which has no rear shocks, so let's put the big guy in the back seat, shall we?  You fucko, you.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cainad (dec.)

#7
September 14, 2015, 07:18:24 PM
Masshole roads represent a macrocosm of the Masshole driver's soul. A primeval fury, the law of the jungle, is the only law on those roads. Every ounce of the natives' being is leveraged towards making their point and establishing dominance, while civilized folks must duck their heads and try to navigate their way out while dictating their last will and testament into their smartphones.

It is my belief that residents of Massachusetts do not drive for the purpose of getting from one place to another. They drive for the sole love of blood and the smell of scorched rubber, and the sparks of rear bumpers slamming into the pavement as they take a downhill 90-degree turn at full speed (a thing I have personally witnessed within the borders of Boston's mutant cousin that they keep locked in the attic, Worcester).

Cainad (dec.)

#8
September 14, 2015, 07:22:43 PM
I think I need to make myself perfectly clear here, lest anyone think I am being facetious.

There are many people in Massachusetts whom I consider dear friends, but once they are behind the wheel they become actually evil. Their insurance premiums contain a line item for "Actual Literal Evil Intention, What Is Wrong With You Sick Fucks."

Eater of Clowns

#9
September 14, 2015, 07:27:25 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on September 14, 2015, 06:53:17 PM
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on September 14, 2015, 06:41:40 PM
Masshole roads are worse because LMNO is on them.

No, EoC, I have personal experience that they are worse because you are on them.  In your car which has no rear shocks, so let's put the big guy in the back seat, shall we?  You fucko, you.

The Civic is mighty. You can have your comfort and your horsepower and your gadgets. Me, I prefer the terror that a Japanese coup can instill, given the proper coaxing.
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

The Good Reverend Roger

#10
September 14, 2015, 07:42:11 PM
Quote from: Cainad (dec.) on September 14, 2015, 07:22:43 PM
I think I need to make myself perfectly clear here, lest anyone think I am being facetious.

There are many people in Massachusetts whom I consider dear friends, but once they are behind the wheel they become actually evil. Their insurance premiums contain a line item for "Actual Literal Evil Intention, What Is Wrong With You Sick Fucks."

In Arizona, turn signals are considered rude.  Our roads are in fantastic shape, because the ground never freezes, but there's all manner of fucking debris on the side of the road, mostly from blue-haired snowbird fucks that merge across all 3 lanes at 45 MPH in a 75 MPH zone, then sullenly plod along in the fast lane.  THIS IS WHY WE SHOOT PEOPLE. 

The methed up truckers heading from LA to El Paso require two lanes each, because they're listening to Rob Zombie and they're high.  If you look through their side windows, you can see them pogo-ing up and down on their seat like Martha Stewart riding Ron Jeremy.  Then they hurl a piss jug at you and BAM!  You're part of the wreckage.

We have no toll roads.  Even we won't charge people for this manner of shit.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Richter

#11
September 14, 2015, 11:27:10 PM
Rhode Island has something they charmingly call "conservation or rotaries".  Each state gets a certain number, regardless of size, and has to use them all. 

A cunning driver could, if the valves on his viking longcar were failing for example,  drive most of the way across the state using said rotaries, centripetal force, and certain spacer's tricks to keep moving.


Turn signals are an invitation for everyone else to cut you off.  A CHALLENGE.  NOT IN MY LINE YOU GRANNY SHIFTING SONOFABITCH.

Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
September 15, 2015, 12:38:30 AM
You can always tell when you're behind Richter, because of the screaming roadside victims.  Leln's victims are quieter, and more artistically arranged.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Richter

#13
September 15, 2015, 12:54:27 AM
Driving in Boston is easy.  Just contract with mad Gods, and you'll know well, the ever-shifting roads.  Same with central Mass., the southeastern reaches, or Providence.  Each one you learn will take a little more..
(Why they are loathe to travel)

Leln gets free subscriptions.   Professional courtesy.

EoC knows well at least TWO of these areas, and is the man he is today because of it.  Even with a vehicle heavily ladden with yeti goofballs he can scream across Boston the RIGHT way.  The way that doesn't get you stopped because you're obviously PART of the madness, not just a scared posser running from it.   
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

The Good Reverend Roger

#14
September 15, 2015, 03:13:05 AM
Quote from: Richter on September 15, 2015, 12:54:27 AM
Driving in Boston is easy.  Just contract with mad Gods, and you'll know well, the ever-shifting roads.  Same with central Mass., the southeastern reaches, or Providence.  Each one you learn will take a little more..
(Why they are loathe to travel)

Leln gets free subscriptions.   Professional courtesy.

EoC knows well at least TWO of these areas, and is the man he is today because of it.  Even with a vehicle heavily ladden with yeti goofballs he can scream across Boston the RIGHT way.  The way that doesn't get you stopped because you're obviously PART of the madness, not just a scared posser running from it.

Those fucking diminishing radius curves on the way North are BULLSHIT.  They do that shit on purpose.

Do your part, America:  Beat the shit out of a civil engineer today.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
Print
Go Up Pages1 2
User actions