titles can go fuck themselves

[Horab Fibslager]

ch.0

i suddenly found myself in the flesh, sitting on a toilet in a stall in some washroom. i wiped my ass and pulle dup my pants. she has soem kinda sense of humour thats for sure. i gently prod at the door. solid. in the flesh. double yoo tee eff i mutter, and unlatch it. i take a look at the mirror. and i need a shave. the suit is decent, and i can feel the waeight of nancy on my kidney. trusty nancy, with her by my side i could take ont eh paniverse. but one thign at a time. i wash my hand and splash water on my face, run my fingers through my hair. i'm balder and i need a shave, but it's all good. it's been years since i've aged, or had flesh to age, so no complaints. dryignmy hands on the bleached mulched flesh of a tree, i walk out the door and on down the hall. a bar or a public house, it's dark and a karaoke machine is being weilded by a japanese man who is givign his heart and soul to love me tender while elvis is rolling somersaults in his grave. i saddle up on a stool and nod at the waitress. she gives me a smile and i giver a wink. canadian i drawl, and she crouches to a fridge under the bar and poppnig off the lid passes me ice cold sunshine. i give her a smile and thanks, and take a swig.
a smoke appears from midair held out by a striking woman with dark red brown almost brown or black and eyes fierce and soft and seductive and everythign in between, i take the smoke without a word and without taking my eyes off of hers, knwoign a man could lose himself in them or even die from them.
you're looking well H, not even gonna say hello?
hey babe, i've never felt better, cept when i ws dead.
well what's tehuse of a dead god when only flesh will do?
cut to the chase sister, we don't got all night.
you're right we got eternity and a half H, why don't you go sign a song for me?
the karaoke impressario shouts onhis mike "strangerinteh brown suit, come on up an dsing a tune for us tonight!" i i glare at Her and mozie on over, i say to him house of the rising sun? it's nto a question and hte rhtmic music is pullsing as i lay upon th emic with a voice remincnesent of a biker scraping across a hundred meters of pavement praying the girl on teh back goes quick, tears on my eyes as teh feeling washesout teh rapture of ten thousand apocalypses. i put the mic back after muttering my thanks to a crowd that didn't hear a word, and go back over to my stool.
did i ever tell you you have the saddest eyes i've ever seen H?
i'm sure you didn;t call me back to seduce me babe, so give me the good word already.
I need a hero H, the world needs a hero. you know any sueprheros H?
if i see any i'll eb sure to ysend em your way.
Someoen you knwo needs a superhero H, you always gonna walk away?


when i stumbled outta th ebar 6 hours later, i didn't know wherei was going, but i knew where i was going, straight into the abysmal depths of eternal hell.

[LMNO]

Oh, yeah.


Good stuff.  Keep it going, buddy.

[Horab Fibslager]

ch1 is coming shortly.


:)

edit: look back to the ladn of thud og action for some charachater references. thisis your last warning.

[Horab Fibslager]

ch.1


a sunny black cadilac raced down some forgotten throughfare leaving a dust trail 3 miles long, the zebra at the wheel singing along so badly to soem kind of old fart music it'd make children cry, if there were any children to hear it. Living easy, living free Season ticket on a one-way ride a bottle of some kind of horrible engine celaner half drunk flying out of the cockpit to nearly miss the lonely brown clad figure trudging down the shoulder in the face. nearly.

the breakfast was beign especially tasty, and the girl who kept th eorange juice coming had a nice smile that made the day and my head feel a littl e better at every turn said my glasses were cool. i must've known the day was going too well, when kung fu fighting started playing on the jukebox. i should've picked i t up right away, but hey, what fuck, i was rusty and not a day reborn in the light of salvation upon Her bosom. my next hint was the flying star that split my easy over chicken fetuses in half.  i did what any sane man would do and flipped the table u[and into the face of the first ninja that apparently didn't realize someone could do a thign liek that. my fore and middle fingers foudn a home in the next ninja's eyesocket while i caught another flying star in my teeth. spittign it into the third ninja's throat, i decided i'd make these fuckers pay dearly if my glasses were scratched. and that's when i foudn my self surrounded by three or four dozen black clad vieled cold blooded killers who'se single purpose was to murder me and look cool doign it. apparently they had a love affair with mistakes as well, but i had mercy in my hand in the blink of an eye and i was givign the breakfast a new coat of red paint, weavign in and out and not even breaking a sweat. whoever i was being sent up against, they hadn't counted on one very important fact.

the cadi flew sideways and twisted aroudn itself as g forces attempt to wrench it's wheels from teh gravel pavement, befor ei t came to a rest speeding forward as before.
Shitballs and piss storms dude, way to try and give a zebra a heartattack huh? jeeezus h. pincushions. how do you do that any way?
the man in brown who had appaeared suddenly int eh passenger seat jsu tshurgged and took the bottle out of the grasp of the zebra in teh driver's seat, and took a swig without even btoherign with the ciggarette.
you shoudl drinka nd drive man, it's unhealthy.
fuck if  coudl drive when not drunk, i'd wouldn't bother, these thigns are deathtraps. what the fuck are you doing out here in teh middle of buttfuck idaho anyway?
goign that way.
he nodded in the general direction the car was racing towards.
well it's always that way with you ain't it? jeesh. well don't le tme stand in your way man, you know me, gettin old, too old to be runnign aropudn with the likes o fyou, next thign you'll have ninjas jumping out of the woodwork to try and make soup from my bones.
sorry man, that was breakfast.
ahh fuck.  well don't change the fuckin radio station ok? an dgimme back my bottle, i can't drive this thing sober.

[LMNO]

YOu call your sword "mercy".

Brilliant.


Nice juxtaposition, too.

Knew I could count on you, Horab.


::extremely literate high-five::

[Horab Fibslager]

not so much i who called it as such, but we'll get to that before too long.

[Horab Fibslager]

ch2

boy, what a strange day. at the office head on tghe computer as usual, and then they walked into the offices, arguing back and forth.
..mail is not worht this, we should jsut stop at som-
dude, shut the fuck up already, eff eff ess dude, i want to find out why i can't log. thsi thing shoudl get server access on the otehr side of the edge, so fuck not getting my mail. it's waaaaay bigger than mail buddy. IS THERE A IT GODDESS IN HERE?
my head swiveled back and i saw the man, brown suit and aviator sunglasses, and a zebra walking upright with a sixpack in one hoof and an open beer in the other.
OK mr.?... you need to clalm down i am the it goddess here. whoa re you? we're not a tech support comapny ya know.
dude, i don't need a tech support compant, i need a it goddess, and you are an it goddess are you not?
that's waht it says on my email headers, but OK, ummmm. what can i do for you?
he shoves his hand into hs coat and looks deep in thought as e rummages through... what i don't know, and hten pulls out what looks like a pda.
it says enn ell see arr connection cannot be verified.
enn ell see arr?
yeah man, non-local communicatiopn protocol. my server at home is creation powered so i know it's not turned off. the onyl explaination is i at soem point closed the access ports. now i need to bypass these, and tell you the truth, i was fucked right outta my skull when i built the damned thing, so uh yeah, can you circumvent the security protocols?
  well are you sure it's not somethign else?
like what?
  well look at network settings, under cotnrol pannel in teh start menu.
whjat? i don't think i have start menu?
he looked at the zebra with a raised eyebrow, then turned back his attention to me and toook off his aviators. look dude, here, take a look. he handed the pda, and as i gaze dupon it's surface i... i.. don't klnwo what happeneed i wopke up a few minutes later presumably to tghe man and the zebra talking

...i dunno about this horab, i mean i cant' handle the graphics of your machines myself, but that was. i dont' think this is the earth you knew.
nonsense dude, this is earth, but i haven't been here in such along ass time i forgot. uh sorta. well there's only one thig for...
there's no smoking in here.
the man in brown muttered apologies and put otu the smoke with his thumb and forefinger while i tried nto to wince.
ok, so here's what i'm thinking, can you build me a machine of total leetness by which i can access my mail from any where in say, tis paniversal quandrant?
what? leet? paniversal quandrant?
one three three seven! uber, uh you know badd motherfuckin ass yo.
oh. umm. maybe i'm sorta ont he clock right now.
well i can pay you. say, a hundred thousand moist towelettes?
moist towelletes?
that when the zebra started looking worried.
hey hroab, i'm scared man, i don't thionk is such a good idea at all, she has rather large breasts.
so what the fuck dude?
yes i do, and ?
what if she's one of the large breasted amazonin women from hooj brystalon? i have scars from that palce.
dude, shut the fuck up and have anopther beer. ED! there's no battle axes or pikes or anything on the walls, so relax yoself you damn fool zebra.
my apologies dude, he was trumatized by his large breasted aunts as a child. he said glarign at teh zebra.
if moist towwelettes doenst' work for you, what would you want?
dollars?
ok how bout a million dollars?
uhmmmm..?
not enough hundred millon dollars? well let's go. there must eb a tomorrow town near by.
OK, but i am a woman, not a dood.
so you are dude, c'mon, we don;t got all century here.

which is how i foudn myself crawling on the floor of the tomorrow town, tryign to avoid lumberjacks axes while assembling a machine with next to impossible specs.

[East Coast Hustle]

fuckin' A, yo!!!

*applauds heartily*

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

Brilliant, hilarious, I laughed til I cried.  You have no idea how many times I have had to explain to people that they do indeed have a start button.

[Horab Fibslager]

well my os msot certainyl doesn't have a start button, but i definitely wanted to have that in there.

[Bob the Mediocre]

Very nice. I like the image of a zebra holding a beer.

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

This explains why zebras are always terrified of the sight of breasts.

[Horab Fibslager]

ch.3

i lazily sidestepped an ax which was weilded by a largeish husky man wearign an awful lot of plaid and bl;ack suspenders, or wore suspenders, as mercy found a path through his forearm and his midsection. ed yelled out a few aisles down "what i would give for a fuckin death ray or a obliterator bazooka right now, guns you ahve to reload suck ass man! ARRGH DIE as the autoshotty he carried tore the face off an other lumberjack. the fellow with two hatchets waving them oddly looked suprised when whiel attempting to block mercy, found that mercy sliced through the ax heads with as much ease as it cliced through his skull and his spine. the look on his face was not lost as he fell to either side, mercy flowing behind me to take another ax weilding fool in the opposite direction. fromt eh corner of my aye i noticed an ax flyign towards me and planting mercy into another fellow "here hold this will you please?" i plucked it out of the air and drove it into a scraggily beared man to my right. the fools, they were making a mess of the tomorrow store, adn there was nothign for it except leave a large sum of moist towelletes to pay for the mess. bah! nancy slid out of her holster and unleashed thundering carnage into the man who threw the ax's forhead, bursting his ksull liek an over ripe melon full of dynamite, an dhten again int eh fellow towering over neener as she laboured over the box i had commisioned. i really hoepd she'd find what she needed here, these fuckin flatcake fiends were gettign outta hand. 4 more eruptions of furious violence erupted out of nancy's mouth and one lumberjack still remained inside the store, teh rest felled by ed's autoshotty. "the question you gotta ask yourself, is did i fire 6 shots o-" he swung his ax at me. damn, i hate it when fuckin n00b faces interupt me when i'm delivering one liners. i toss nancy up grabbed the blade of the ax with my left hadn and tore otu his throat with my right. "fuckin eh. you done yet neener?"
"yeah, let's get otuta here! OK?"
"roger that. hey ed let's go"
"fuckballs shitstains!"
"yeah yeah, hey you miss behidn the counter? here's soem moist towelletes that ougth apay for the mess. sorry man>" i tossed her a box containing a coupel dozen vouchers for moist towelletes, good at any banks in the paniverse, more or less. and went outside.

which was when i realized there was alot of fuckin lumberjacks out there. "aww crap. double yoo tee eff. can yous ee where we parked the car ed?" "over there?"
mercy was in my hand and iwas ready to carve a path using it's awesoem power when the crowd parted aroudn an odious looking fellow wearing stained pajams and blasting away with a double barreled shotgun while yelling at the caverns in skulls he was producing "TAKE THAT YA BLOODY SLAGS! YEAH EAT MY FECKIN LEAD ARSEFACE! YEAH! YA BLEEDIN WANKERS! PH34R MY BOOMSTICK!!!!" slackjawedmutherfuckin ahdkaw. "hey horab, skin one up and we'll blast these fuckers into next week mate!"
"no time for dope mr. kawshus, i've got to check my mail."
and mercy cut through what is making a doorway to...

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

Doorway to where?
Doorway to where??
Doorway to where???

[nurbldoff]

Norway?

Sorry, acted on impulse.