THE NIGEL AND CAINAD FRUIT APPRECIATION THREAD

[Cainad (dec.)]

HOLY BUTT-POLISHING FUCKSNAKES



HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT GOD DAMN CHERIMOYAS



ALSO CALLED THE "ICE CREAM FRUIT" BECAUSE ONCE THIS DELICATE, SMOOTH-AS-APHRODITE'S-TITS FRUIT FLESH ENTERS YOUR MOUTH, ALL OF YOUR TASTEBUDS WILL EJACULATE WITH THE FURY OF NIAGRA FALLS

BASICALLY IT'S REALLY FUCKING GOOD IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

SMOOTH, MILDLY CITRUS SWEET FLAVOR

YOU CAN'T EVEN GET THESE IN A NORMAL SUPERMARKET BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO DELICATE TO PACK AND TRANSPORT COMMERCIALLY. TENDER LITTLE BITCHES BRUISE LIKE YOUR NOVICE ASS ON A SATURDAY EVENING AT LEATHER LARRY'S UNDERGROUND FUN-HOUSE.



I had a single spoonful of one of these, six years ago. I've been legally brain-dead ever since.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I ate that.

[Cainad (dec.)]

Looks suspicious. Have you acquired any new superpowers since eating it?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

GUESS WHAT I HAVE RIPENING ON A GODDAMN TREE RIGHT NOW

FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS TREE I'VE BEEN CODDLING FOR FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS

FUCKING PAW PAWS



TESTICULAR TREASURES OF THE TREES, THESE ARE ALSO CALLED CUSTARD-APPLES

CREAMY COUSIN OF THE CHERIMOYA, IF YOU PLANT SOME OF THESE YOU WILL GET SO FUCKING SICK OF THEM BECAUSE THEY RIPEN ALL AT ONCE IN A FUCKING AVALANCHE OF CREAMY SWEETNESS.

COMIN AT YOU, BRO, WITH SO MUCH SWEET BANANA-APPLE FLAVOR WITH A FAINT HINT OF TURPENTINE THAT YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT YOU UNTIL YOUR BELLY IS SO GORGED AND DISTENDED WITH CUSTARD-LIKE FRUIT THAT YOU CAN'T FUNCTION.

[Cainad (dec.)]

 

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Color me GREEN WITH ENVY, because Texas fruit is SHIT, we only get STUNTED PEACHES, WASP-RAVAGED FIGS, CONCRETE PEARS YOU HAVE TO CUT WITH A MOTHERFUCKING MEAT CLEAVER, KUMQUATS (yes, that's the real name), LOQUATS, TUNA (nopal fruit with MORE SEEDS THAN FLESH THAT YOU NEED A FUCKING JACK LALANNE JUICER TO EVEN BOTHER WITH THEM, POMEGRANATE (AKA "Hades fruit", same deal), PLUMS, MUSTAINE GRAPES WITH THICK ASS SKINS AND THE NAME OF THE STUPIDEST MOTHERFUCKER IN METAL, AND SQUISHY-ASS PERSIMMONS WITH THE TEXTURE OF PREDIGESTED DIARRHEA.

[Dildo Argentino]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, fruitlovers extraordinaire and ordinaire, I give you the treasure of the original Georgia, reputedly the FRUIT whose irresistible desireability got us out of the Garden of Eden in the first place, divine receptacle of very red goodness and a plenitude of seeds, with amazing seven-fold symmetry:



POMEGRANATE

[Suu]

HOLD. THE. FUCK. UP.

Is starfruit on this thread? If not, it fucking should be. Look at these little awesome motherfuckers RIGHT NOW:



It's called a carambola, but goddamnit, look at that awesome star-shaped awesomeness! I've never been able to figure out how to eat one, so I have no fucking idea what it tastes like, but GODDAMNIT, IT'S IN THE SHAPE OF A STAR. A RUBBERY YELLOW STAR! We had these fuckers all over the place in Florida.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

FRUIT THAT IS ACTUALLY BANNED IN PLACES WHERE IT IS WELL KNOWN: DURIAN



THAT'S RIGHT, THIS LUSCIOUS, DELECTABLE FRUIT SMELLS LIKE A COMBINATION OF A BACKED UP TOILET AND THE ROTTING FLESH OF A ZOMBIE HORDE REGURGITATED BY VULTURES

FEAR THE DURIAN





Durian is also said to yummy in candy

[Suu]

What in the holy fuck of fucks. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I had a durian once. It took days for the house to air out. I took it out to the porch and my neighbor, in his yard, on his way to his car, said "Oh my god, what's that smell?"