Dirtbags, part 6

[Doktor Howl]

"Of course it's relevant," Katie said, as we walked down the street.  We were both giggling inappropriately.  "You can't even tell me a story in this town without fucking mayhem going on all around us."

"Well, I can see Tucson being cursed.  You can't leave, and every day the city shits horror all over your boots.  But I can tell you one thing."

"Yeah?"

"I have to be in Tucson, but I don't have to be at that job."

"Yeah, you say this has been going on for a long time.  Weeks.  And you're still there."

"I'm just picking my moment.  Also, there's bills to be paid.  I have to have the right thing lined up before I bail."

"Yeah, my dad said that about his company, about ten years ago."

"How did that work out?"

"He fell over dead in the break room 2 years ago, still there."

"Oh, shit, sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, well, he said he was gonna quit, that the job was killing him.  But there was always just a bit more to be done, right?  Get the house paid off.  Get the car paid off.  Thank fuck I went on scholarship, or I'd have the tuition hanging around my neck, too...And I don't need that kind of guilt.  But you get my point.  There's always something, and you never actually leave."

I considered that...She certainly had a point.

"So I give myself a firm time limit, calculated to do the maximum possible harm to the boss.  And that day, new job or no, I walk out the door."

"Well, you better do something.  Life's too short."

"You know what else is too short?"

"Huh."

"My attention span.  Let's take the trolley down 4th, and raise some hell on University Drive.  I have a burning need to make fun of people in skinny jeans."

"Sold."

We turned around, and headed back to the trolley, but when we got there, everything went bad.

Katie got on the trolley first, and started swearing.  I jumped up, and there was beardo from Club Congress, burned beard and all.  He was enormously drunk, and staring at Katie.  I swear there was foam on his lips.  Katie had her hand in her purse and was braying laughter in his face.  I wondered what kind of gun she had in the bag.

Beardo lunged forward, and Katie's hand came out of the bag.  She sprayed him in the face with something acrid, and he fell like he'd been poleaxed, screaming worse than when he'd been burned.  The driver stared hollering, and we jumped out.  The trolley had just started moving, and was maybe going 3 miles per hour, but we were drunk and went ass over tea kettle.

We jumped up and ran.  After a half block, we ducked down an alley, over to Broadway, then slowed down.  Katie was blowing like a whale, both due to the adrenaline, and because she's a pack and a half per day smoker.

"What the hell?  You just maced that guy?"

"Mace?  Fuck mace.  That was real, live bear spray."

"ON HIS BURN?"  I busted up laughing.

"Well, I felt that I needed his attention."

"Like you said, I can't even finish telling a story in this town without felony assault."

I offered to buy her some Vietnamese food.  Nothing could go wrong in a nice quiet restaurant.

Nothing at all.

To be continued.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  Oh that is brilliant. And from the perspective of the bystanders, you guys jumped on the trolley, maced a guy, and jumped off again.

She's right about the job.

[Doktor Howl]

Oh that is brilliant. And from the perspective of the bystanders, you guys jumped on the trolley, maced a guy, and jumped off again.

She's right about the job.

I have to hang around until June 11th.  Because that's when the big bosses are in town.

If you're going to burn a bridge, you should do it like the end fight scene in Abe Lincoln, Vampire Slayer.

And we managed to traumatize Tucson that night, which takes some doing.  It's not over yet.  It just kept getting worse.

[LMNO]

Just the right mix of contemplation, introspection, and sensless violence.

[Junkenstein]

"Mace?  Fuck mace.  That was real, live bear spray."

"ON HIS BURN?"  I busted up laughing.

There's a MRA forum somewhere that has this tale from this guy's perspective and it must be fucking hilarious.


"...And then they followed me and sprayed me with fucking bear spray or some shit! What the fuck? I paid $5000 for this course!"

[Eater of Clowns]

"Mace?  Fuck mace.  That was real, live bear spray."

"ON HIS BURN?"  I busted up laughing.

There's a MRA forum somewhere that has this tale from this guy's perspective and it must be fucking hilarious.


"...And then they followed me and sprayed me with fucking bear spray or some shit! What the fuck? I paid $5000 for this course!"

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Oh that is brilliant. And from the perspective of the bystanders, you guys jumped on the trolley, maced a guy, and jumped off again.

She's right about the job.

I have to hang around until June 11th.  Because that's when the big bosses are in town.

If you're going to burn a bridge, you should do it like the end fight scene in Abe Lincoln, Vampire Slayer.

And we managed to traumatize Tucson that night, which takes some doing.  It's not over yet.  It just kept getting worse.

This brings me so much joy.

[Doktor Howl]

Just the right mix of contemplation, introspection, and sensless violence.

I'm not always like this, and neither is Tucson.

But Katie, now, she's always like this.

[Doktor Howl]

"Mace?  Fuck mace.  That was real, live bear spray."

"ON HIS BURN?"  I busted up laughing.

There's a MRA forum somewhere that has this tale from this guy's perspective and it must be fucking hilarious.


"...And then they followed me and sprayed me with fucking bear spray or some shit! What the fuck? I paid $5000 for this course!"

INTERNETS ORVER.  JUNKIE WINS.