So... Best way to cook a turkey?

[Luna]

Anybody?

I've done exactly one, before.

[Elder Iptuous]

best i've ever had was from a turkey fryer.
it's also the most dangerous, so drink plenty of booze to work up the courage.

[Luna]

best i've ever had was from a turkey fryer.
it's also the most dangerous, so drink plenty of booze to work up the courage.

Lacking a fryer, and lacking the time to GET one...

Gonna go with the "rub the fucker down with enough butter to drown a hamster, shove an onion up its ass, shake whatever in the cabinet looks good on it, and stuff it in the oven" method.

[East Coast Hustle]

Opinions are mixed on whether or not you should brine it, but I always do and I always have excellent results. I do a wet brine so that I can add some spices to it (bay leaves, coriander, allspice, crushed red pepper) but dry brining seems to work just as well in terms of ensuring that the breast meat stays incredibly moist.

As for how to actually cook it...this is kind of a process but the results are unbeatable.

Go buy a brand new 100% cotton white pillowcase. Wash once with just a tiny amount of unscented liquid detergent (if you don't have any just wash it in hot water without any detergent) and be sure to use the extra rinse cycle. Either hang dry it or dry it by itself with no dryer sheets or fabric softener or any of that nasty crap. Melt an entire metric fuckton of butter. Completely saturate the pillowcase in the clarified butter (if you brined the bird be sure to use unsalted butter), put the turkey in the pillowcase, and either tie it closed with butcher's twine or fold the open end under the bird. Now you have a continuously self-basting bird. Be sure that the oven is large enough that the pillowcase stays a few inches from the elements or the sides of the oven. you shouldn't need to reapply butter to the pillowcase but it might be a good idea to check every hour or two. The skin should be nicely browned and crisp by the time the turkey is done, if it isn't just take the bird out of the pillowcase and either stick it under the broiler for a few minutes or hit it with a cooking torch.

Oh, and this should go without saying anyway no matter how you cook the bird, but it's particularly important with this method that you don't be one of those people who puts the stuffing inside the bird.

ETA: this technique works better if you go low and slow. If you try to cook the bird at 400+ degrees this way, you'll likely end up with a burnt pillow and possibly an oven fire. I usually preheat to 400 and then dial it down to 300-325 once I've put the bird in the oven. Obviously this lengthens the cooking time so plan accordingly.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Every year, I have looked it up on the Internet and then promptly forgotten, but I think it's along the lines of: Rub with grease and salt, put in oven for 350 degrees x as many hours as it takes for a bird that size to cook, forget about it until timer goes off.

Perfect, every time. I've never basted in my life and don't plan to start now.

[East Coast Hustle]

regardless of your preferred technique, Nigel raises an important point: The less you fuck with it while it's cooking, the better.

[Freeky]

Grease sounds easy.



ECH, why not cook stuffing inside the turkey?  Roger's dad mades a fucking BOMB ASS AWESOME stuffing inside the turkey.  Only problem I see is not enough stuffing.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Yeah, all that fussin' and interferin' ain't good for a bird. Just get good and drunk until the timer goes off.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Grease sounds easy.



ECH, why not cook stuffing inside the turkey?  Roger's dad mades a fucking BOMB ASS AWESOME stuffing inside the turkey.  Only problem I see is not enough stuffing.

It's tasty, but wet bread in a cool bird slowly coming up to roasting temp is a perfect recipe for food poisoning, so you want to avoid it in any slow-roasting scenario.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Should be fine if you're roasting at 350 or above, but don't put any egg in, and be aware that stuffing makes it harder to get really good done-ness throughout the bird. Better to cook it in a covered side-dish and then drizzle some dripping grease on.

[Freeky]

Oh, okay.  That makes sense.

[East Coast Hustle]

yep. It's almost impossible to get the stuffing up to a safe temp without overcooking the shit out of the bird. It also limits the circulation of air (and therefore heat) through the cavity of the bird, which exacerbates the problem further. And most importantly, you're not getting much exposed surface on the stuffing so what you end up with is one little crispy cap and a shitload of soggy shit. Any stuffing that's good in the bird will only be better if it's baked separately in a wide shallow baking dish. To make sure mine still gets plenty of meaty flavor as it cooks I add a little bit of crumbled sausage to it. Chopped shucked oysters, oddly enough, also make a delicious addition.

[Luna]

That sounds awesome ECH...  Again, I'm smacking into "not enough prep time" for this year, but I'm gonna copy that post, shove it on my calendar, and let it hit me in the face mid-November next year.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

yep. It's almost impossible to get the stuffing up to a safe temp without overcooking the shit out of the bird. It also limits the circulation of air (and therefore heat) through the cavity of the bird, which exacerbates the problem further. And most importantly, you're not getting much exposed surface on the stuffing so what you end up with is one little crispy cap and a shitload of soggy shit. Any stuffing that's good in the bird will only be better if it's baked separately in a wide shallow baking dish. To make sure mine still gets plenty of meaty flavor as it cooks I add a little bit of crumbled sausage to it. Chopped shucked oysters, oddly enough, also make a delicious addition.

My friend Teenwolf always makes oyster dressing, it's fucking fabulous! Hopefully this year is no exception.

[Freeky]

yep. It's almost impossible to get the stuffing up to a safe temp without overcooking the shit out of the bird. It also limits the circulation of air (and therefore heat) through the cavity of the bird, which exacerbates the problem further. And most importantly, you're not getting much exposed surface on the stuffing so what you end up with is one little crispy cap and a shitload of soggy shit. Any stuffing that's good in the bird will only be better if it's baked separately in a wide shallow baking dish. To make sure mine still gets plenty of meaty flavor as it cooks I add a little bit of crumbled sausage to it. Chopped shucked oysters, oddly enough, also make a delicious addition.

ERHMAHGERHD.  YERHMMEH.