Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Think for Yourself, Schmuck! => Topic started by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:19:17 AM

Title: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:19:17 AM
1.  SlackTM: (Noun, not a fucking verb, unless you spend all Goddamned day in front of the tube, eating Cheetohs and watching the Goddamn Dukes of Hazard)  Slack is best described as "the art of enjoying the ride".  Most Discordians and Subgenii fall into one of two catagories: Rewardians and Emergentiles.

A Rewardian expects his free lunch, and will kill a motherfucker if it isn't forthcoming.  The universe OWES him, and he's damn well prepared to collect.  Couch surfing, video games, television, etc, are the favored sports of Rewardians, and if you wonder who stole your drugs, look no further.  Most Rewardians would starve to death, if not for Emergentiles (see below).

An Emergentile is one who thrives on, well, emergencies.  They are crisis junkies, and aren't happy unless they're busier than Chris Brown at a wife-beating contest.  If Rewardians would be compared to hippies (I dare you), then Emergentiles would be the Diggers (Google it, kid).

Neither Rewardians nor Emergentiles have title to "true" SlackTM, and both have different ways of falling into False Slack (doing what you THINK you're supposed to enjoy, or what they TOLD you you're supposed to enjoy, but don't).

In short, having SlackTM is to be in a state of happiness (see below).  This is impossible for common Homo Sapiens, for reasons that should be obvious.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:20:18 AM
2.  Happiness: (Noun)  Happiness should be a fairly simple concept, but it's one that 95% of the population doesn't actually understand.  Most often confused with complacency or contentment  (see below for both), happiness is neither of these things.

Happiness is, quite simply, a state in which being alive is fun.  It is a state of actively enjoying yourself, even if you aren't doing anything.  Think back to when you were a kid, before They did all this shit to you, and remember how it felt when they let you out of school for the summer, and you were damn near fit to bust with glee at the thought of an entire endless summer stretching out ahead of you.  That's happiness.

Unfortunately, most people think that you buy happiness on easy credit terms.  They think their SUV will make them happy, or the big fucking house they have (until the ARM adjusts, at least), or the HUGE plasma screen TV that costs more than most of the humans make in their lifetime.  The fact that they spend all their time sweating the bills doesn't register as being unhappy, because they have - at least for the moment - all the things the TV said they should have.

Happiness, like SlackTM, isn't something you can buy, and it's not something They can give you (though they can take it away, if you let them).  It's you, being glad you're you, no matter what situation you find yourself in.  As my 87 year old Uncle George says, "I'm here to have a good time, and if you're not having a good time, it's your own damn fault *cackle*".
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:20:52 AM
3.  Complacency: (Noun):  Most often confused with happiness, and closely related to False Slack, complacency is the feeling that They want you to spend most of your time in. 

Complacency is the state of feeling like everything is Okay.  When you're in this state, you don't actually want anything to be BETTER than okay, because that might remind you that some things - many things - are less than okay.

Complacency is the feeling you get when you make all your minimum payments for the month, and still have just enough money for a 30 pack of some horrible "beer" that's already been through a cow once or twice.

Complacency is the feeling you get when you get off of work in time to scurry home like a crazed weasel so you don't miss the next exciting episode of American Idol or that fucking abortion Lost.

Complacency is the enemy of happiness, because it is a state in which you are afraid to do anything different, because it might disrupt a life which, though not enjoyable, is comfortable and safe.  Unlike happiness, when you're complacent, you aren't actually having FUN.  You're treading water to avoid unpleasantness, either physical, financial, emotional, or just being knocked out of your comfort zone.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:21:27 AM
4.  Contentment: (Noun)  Contentment is closely related to happiness, but isn't quite the same thing.  It is a transitory phase between achieving happiness and moving on to the next thing...Or between achieving happiness and sliding into complacency.

Though it can inspire happiness, contentment is by definition a sort of "resting on your laurels", and people who try to hang on to it usually find themselves treading water, as noted above.  A Subgenius or Discordian in a state of grace, however, will recognize it for it's transitory qualities, enjoy it for a short period of time, and then move on to other things.

Contentment is the feeling you have right after a particularly good session of sex (even if it's with other people).  It is the feeling you get when you complete a difficult task, or finally get a date with the person you think you want to be with (See "Love", below).

An example of contentment gone sour is the jock who still identifies himself with his high school football triumphs, when he's 40 years old, or the former beauty who still tries to look coquettish, long after it becomes grotesque.

The real hazard of contentment is this:  As you get older, your definition of fun will change, whether or not you care to admit it.  A happy person will roll with these changes, and adapt and grow, and the "content" or complacent person will turn into one of those ridiculous club creepers, still hanging out in dance clubs at age 35, trying to score with 22 year olds, and totally oblivious to how ridiculous he looks, or to the fact that he really isn't enjoying himself.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:21:53 AM
5.  False Slack: (Noun)  False Slack is the "fun" They tell you to have, so that you don't go find fun of your own that doesn't line their pockets, or keep you in the nice, safe little box they have so graciously prepared for you.

It would be futile to try to list every type of False Slack, but a few examples may serve to illustrate the concept:

1.  Drinking because your friends drink, or because you "can't have fun without a buzz."

2.  Smoking weed so you can spout all the Stoner Cultural memes, rather than for medicinal purposes...or because you LIKE to.  If you feel the need to evangelize about it, or unceasingly yell "401, SMOKE EVERY DAY", then it's False Slack.

3.  Suffering through sports events on TV, so you'll know what the morons around the water cooler are jabbering about on Monday morning.

4.  Working yourself to death so you can have "The American Dream" of the white picket fence, two cars, and the "dream home" that you didn't actually WANT and can't really AFFORD, but that you were told you SHOULD want.

5.  Getting a degree in a field you hate, because "that's where the jobs are".  Hint:  If you can't stand it in school, you're going to be miserable while actually doing it for your whole life.

In short, False Slack is what They try to get you to do, so you don't indulge in real Slackâ,,¢.  It's doing what you think you SHOULD enjoy, instead of doing what you actually DO enjoy.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:22:15 AM
6.  Or Kill Me: (Directive)  Or Kill Me is an old concept, first spouted by Saint Patrick Henry back in the year dot...Though he worded it, "Give me liberty, or give me death".  It is a means of saying "This is what I aim to say and/or do.  You'll have to kill me to get me to stop."

It is the only attitude for an actual biped to have, when dealing with one's principles and/or Saturday Nightâ,,¢ (see below).

See?  That's a lot simpler than most people were thinking, all these years.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:22:55 AM
7.  Saturday NightTM (Noun, Verb)  Saturday NightTM isn't, despite appearances, a day of the week.  It is instead the ability or the opportunity to have a good time, whenever that time happens to be.

The term comes from the film Air America, in which Mel Gibson's character explains that civilizations can be graded on their Saturday nights...New York, for example, has a hell of a Saturday night, but North Korea probably has a really shitty one.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:23:23 AM
8.  Love: (Noun, Verb):  Almost universally misused, love is the state of being or the action of caring in a positive manner about someone or something more than you care about yourself. 

You love your spouse (I hope), and you love you kids, but I'm reasonably certain you don't actually love a TV show (I hope) or a favorite food.

Obviously, there's no harm in a little hyperbole, though, and it would be pedantic to correct someone for saying "I LOVE THIS DECADE!" or "I LOVE NOT HAVING THE CLAP ANYMORE".

The opposite of love isn't hate (see below), interestingly enough, but rather indifference.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:23:45 AM
9.  Hate: (Noun, Verb)  Hate is simply the emotion or action of disliking or detesting something or someone enough that you'll go out of your way to do damage, either physically, emotionally, or in terms of reputation.

Hate is often maligned as a "bad" emotion, which is of course ridiculous.  It is simply one emotion among the gamut of human feelings, and in some cases can be quite appropriate.

For example, I hate Nazis.  Period.  I am comfortable with this.  I also hate anyone or anything that tries to restrict my personal liberty, no matter how trifling that restriction may be.  I could list everything I hate, but the list would be too fucking long.  The beauty of the 21st Century is how many things you can hate, and be right in doing so.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:24:29 AM
10.  The Lost Highway: (Noun)  The Lost Highway is a metaphor for that place in your head where you go when you realize that your belief system has put you hopelessly out of touch with the vast majority of domesticated primates on the planet.

The term was invented by Hank Williams Sr, when he realized that his exploration of the human condition had alienated him.  He could speak to millions with his music, but he couldn't actually communicate the things he'd learned, to people who hadn't been where he'd been, or seen what he'd seen...So he killed himself, more or less by accident, with booze and pills.

And he is by no means the only victim of The Lost Highway.  Van Gogh, Elvis, Curly, Gandhi, Payne, my old friend Larry Wells, and many others have joined the wreckage on the left shoulder, and their bones bleach in the sun. 

The Lost Highway is a lonely place, you see, because most people don't want to know the truth (see below), and that loneliness will fucking kill you if you let it.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:24:59 AM
11.  The Truth: (Noun)  This is possibly the most important concept in this list.  Truth is often mistaken for religioun, philosophy, or principles.  This, of course, is incorrect.

Truth is, in the plainest terms, the way things really are, as opposed to the way we'd like things to be.  The truth can change with conditions (ie, it's true that the sky is clear here today, but that may not be true tomorrow), or even with perspective (a simple lesson in relativity will demonstrate that), but it is not subject to opinion or wishful thinking or even the strident demands of those in authority.

Needless to say, telling the truth will not make you popular at parties, because most peoples' most closely held beliefs are not based on truth.  In fact, there isn't a single political philosophy that is based on truth, nor any religions (at least, not that can be proven).  Communism doesn't work, no matter how badly you want it to.  Neither does laissez faire capitalism, anarchy, or anything else that deviates from the primate pack mentality (Constitutional monarchy does just fine, as does a democracy/republic so long as there is a president/prime minister/whatever to represent the alpha of the pack).  The reason for this is that the truth is that we are primates, and we act like primates, so - at least in a group of any size - we need alphas, and the rules that they enforce.

Sometimes it's not always desirable to TELL the truth ("My, what an ugly bride"), but it is always desirable to see and understand it, unless you're the kind of person who likes walking around cacti with a blindfold on.

In short, the truth is the way things are, whether or not you like it or care to see it.  You can often get away with ignoring it, but eventually, you're gonna get bit.

The truth is a horrible thing.  It isn't always noble, it's rarely pleasing, and it can sometimes even drive you mad.  But it is the only thing worth having.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:25:21 AM
12.  Paranoia: (Noun)  The condition of being in possession of all the facts.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:25:44 AM
13.  Pink:  (Noun, Adjective)  Derivative from Black slang for White people (Pinkboy), in Discordian/Subgenius terms, a Pinkboy is someone who tries as hard as possible to be as "normal" or as "cool" as he or she can.

A Pink isn't just your suburban jackass who wastes his life trying to acquire the status symbols that say "you made it", or the no-fun freaks who think that dancing leads to eternal damnation.  No, you also have to include the guy who spends 3 hours in front of a mirror cultivating that "I don't care what you think" look, or laughs at all the geeks who aren't wearing all black and mascara, just like all of their friends.

The Church of the Subgenius defines a Pinkboy who is aware of his condition and likes it as a "glorp", for reasons unknown.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:26:05 AM
14.  Po'Bucker:  Another derivative from Black slang, "poor buckra".  Buckra originally meant "devil" but came into popular parlance during slavery days as "white devil", particularly with respect to overseers.  The poorer Whites were more abusive to Blacks than the richer ones, who could afford to crap on White people.

In Discordian/Subgenius terms, Po'Buckers are your standard low brow cretins of any race.  They despise "book learning" as somehow being contrary to "common sense", and are indeed proud of their hard-earned ignorance.

They can usually be found at Tea Party rallies, Nascar events, or on the end stool of any loser bar in America.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:26:32 AM
15.  Pee-Stained Dentures: (Noun, adjective) The sad condition or act of demanding "respect" (homage) from people who have been in a subculture or area less time than the person afflicted.

The term comes from incessant heckling recieved by Ivan Stang on usenet (alt.slack) when he suddenly decided that he preferred to be a tragic old hipster who was too good to talk to the unwashed masses.

A good many people, myself included (2005 still makes me cringe), have fallen into this trap.  Unfortunately, the afflicted rarely realize their condition, but fortunately it seems to be temporary among Discordians, who are particularly good at deflating oversized egos, and unstuffing shirts.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:26:53 AM
16.  Pinealist (Noun)  A pinealist is one who throws "word salad" or other "zany" gibberish around in an attempt to be the weirdest guy in the room.  It can also refer to a person who falls into the error of viewing the Principia Discordia (or Robert Anton Wilson's stuff, for that matter) as dogma or holy writ.

This is typical of people who show up at PD (or a meetup, etc), and suddenly realize they aren't the weirdest person in the room anymore, and overcompensate.  Or, for some reason, they believe that since they just read the PD for the first time, the jokes will be funny (or new) for everyone else.

They either recover, or - tragically - wind up with the Myspace Discordians, where they continually jabber the same shit back and forth until they snap and suicide bomb the local old folks home.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:27:17 AM
17.  Outlandish: (Adjective)  A particularly obnoxious version of pinealism (see above), an "outlandish" person spends all of his/her time trying to get everyone to look at how weird they appear...Not how weird they are, mind you, but how ridiculous they can dress, how many nude pics they have posted on the internet (when done to show how much they "don't give a fuck"), or - most horribly - how crazy their music/art is ("Check out my website, dude!").

The term comes from a quote from the late, unlamented Ambassador Klok Kaos (AKK), "I am known and noted for my outlandish clothing."

AKK, as everyone knows, was accidentally killed shortly thereafter, by John Holmes in a tragic glory hole accident that is best left undescribed.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:27:36 AM
18.  Known and Noted: (Adjective)  You are "known and noted" when nobody will talk to you at parties, no matter how silly you dress or act.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:28:08 AM
19.  Really Real Discordian: (Noun)  A Really Real Discordian, also known as a Really Real Discordian for Realness, is one who is here to tell you that you're doin' it wrong, and that you aren't a REAL Discordian, because your version differs from his/hers. 

Typically, Really Real Discordians appear on the scene as Pinealists, then when their word salad is ridiculed, they begin to explain that you're doin' it wrong...However, there is an even sadder type, who assume that an 8 year old forum full of Discordians obviously is in need of their guidance, and they'll say so on their first post.

This condition is almost certainly incurable, and the best thing you can do for them is to direct them to Uncle BadTouch's board so that they can see the error of their sinful ways.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:28:33 AM
20:  Walking Glitch: (Noun)  There are two types of walking glitch: 

1.  A person who through no fault of their own - or at least intent - destroys or damages everything they come near.  People like this can't be cured, and are best sent to work in an Human Resources job.  Or politics.

2.  The finest (in my opinion) form of Discordian, one who tampers with everything they come across, sometimes improving things, sometimes making things go horribly, horribly wrong.  The tampering should be non-harmful to peoples' actual well-being, however, or the "walking glitch" usually turns out to be a "sociopath"...Though some exceptions may rarely occur.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:28:58 AM
21.  The Fuckup Fairy: (Noun)  The Fuckup Fairy is that spirit that occasionally possesses people, and causes them to do the absolute worst possible thing in a given situation.  The Fuckup Fairy is an emmissary of The Dread God Finagle and His Mad Prophet Murphy (see below), and can be detected by the silly grin worn by the victim as he jams his junk in a meatgrinder, etc.

This is the creature responsible for you eating garlic before a first date, cross-wiring the jumper cables and killing your alternator, buying your wife an iron for her birthday, etc.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:29:21 AM
22.  The Dread God Finagle and His Mad Prophet Murphy: (Noun)  Taken from Finagle's Law ("Perversity tends to a maximum"), and Murphy's Law ("If anything can go wrong, it will", or in the original form, "If there's more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then somebody will do it that way."), these two beasties demonstrate why the Fuckup Fairy comes by, and why certain systems are simply unworkable.

At any given time, each person has a slight probability of being in the eye of these two awful beings, so the larger the group, the more likely it is that one or more of them will act in a perverse (see below) manner, and fuck up gloriously.  This includes all manner of activities, from government projects, to wedding planning, to "utopian" societies.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:29:43 AM
23.  Perversity: (Noun)  Perversity is the tendency for people to not only fail to act in their own best interest, but to instead act directly against their own best interests.

In American politics, this is what causes working class people to argue in favor of the rich.  Demagogues like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity don't cause this, they simply provide the arguments the people in question use to express what they already want/believe.

It is also responsible for people having kids in a famine zone, yelling at the cop who pulled you over, sassing the judge, trying to cheat on their taxes without expert assistance, etc.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:30:09 AM
24.  Filthy Assistant: (Noun)  This term is lifted from Warren Ellis' Transmetropolitan, but is used in a very different way.

A Filthy Assistant is a subordinate who makes him/herself obnoxious, and may or may not be useless, but is for some reason unfireable.

For example, my Filthy Assistant is a 60 year old with a bad pony tail, who listens to Glenn Beck with attention that can only be called religious, is upper working class and votes republican, hates (or disdains) all races other than his own, spends half his time trying to get my job, and the other half trying to do the purchasing agent's job, and owns nothing that hasn't got "Harley Davidson" embossed somewhere on it.  The reason he has his job is that he just had a bone marrow transplant last year, which isn't taking well, and if he didn't have health insurance, he'd literally die (I'm not willing to be responsible for that). 

Incidentally, he argues against health care reform.  Go figure.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:30:38 AM
25.  Pagan: (Noun)  Pagans are groups of non-Christians that in some cases seem to consist entirely of token conservative Christians.  There are several types which will be explained below, but they all have certain common characteristics:

1.  They give themselves absolutely ridiculous and pompous screen names like "Ambermoon Darkleafwolf" or "Shadowborn Darkmoonsoul".  If the word "wolf" appears anywhere in the name, they're not only goofy, but also a complete shitneck.  Don't question it.

2.  They all claim to be 63rd generation witches, despite the fact that they can't possibly know anything about their family further back than 6-7 generations.  If they did, they'd be Mormons.

3.  They all claim to have 30 years "experience", but answer all questions with "figure it out for yourself, I don't have time for novices" (Pee Stained Denturism, plus the fact that they're, well, frauds).

4.  They claim to be universally tolerant, but in practice they hate everyone who isn't as goofy as them, or Christian.

5.  They "work with" Gods.  Like I "work with" my crew?  What the hell kind of Gods do they have?  "Hi, I'm John, the God down the street.  Want to car pool?"

6.  They all have very enlightened versions of some very grim Gods.  When someone says they worship Odin, ask them how many thralls they hanged in his name last winter solstice.

Types of Pagans:

1.  Eclectic Pagans:  This type of Pagan worships every God they've ever heard of, with no regard to pantheon, conflicting belief, or even basic knowledge of who or what that God was.  A common quote from Eclectic Pagans is "I just got tapped by Geb, and I feel really really close to him.  Can anyone tell me anything about him?"  Eclectic pagans pride themselves on "working with" the most obscure Gods possible...The pecking order is in fact based on who could dig up the most obscure diety. 

2.  Wiccans:  These Pagans are easily recognizable...They're the ones dressed up like Thulsa Doom or Elvira at the local park, standing in circles and looking very solemn while people picnicking downwind try not to gag on the stench of patchouli and cheap incense.  Wiccans are easily the snottiest of Pagans, and make utterly outrageous claims to abilities and experience in an attempt to gain dominance in the group.  Also note that every single Wiccan on the planet is a high priest(ess) or "crone" of some kind.  Lastly, Wiccans actively discourage converts, so that their "secrets" and "magick" (see below) won't be ruined, as happened to the Scientologists.

3.  Christopagans:  People who want to be Pagans, but are too afraid of the Christian God's wrath to make the jump.  These people are born victims, and aren't happy if they aren't being persecuted, so have at it.

4.  Conservopagans:  Typically not pagans at all, these masquerade as Pagans for the purpose of setting up shop in a Pagan board's political section...Which they will then spam to death with Michelle Bachmann and Ann Coulter quotes.  The few that actually ARE both conservative and Pagan are obviously a confused bunch, who side with people that want them dead.  Sort of like having a Black Jew join the Klan.

5.  Magicktards:  These people believe they can blast demons, suspend time, and call up the dead.  Point and laugh. 

6.  Sigil Pagans:  Best described by the "Ellis" freaks at deathbylollipops.com, these freaks spend all day drawing cool squiggly lines, and then "charging" them.  When asked why, they typically respond that they do so for the purpose of achieving things other people just do.

More to be added as I think of them, or more observational data becomes available.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:31:14 AM
26.  Magick: (Noun)  This is a belief certain people have, and usually falls into one of two catagories, both of which are based on wish fulfillment fantasies and/or brain flukes.

1.  People who believe that "magick" actually affects the physical world.  These tards believe that they can make things levitate, cause things to catch fire (I can do that, but I use a zippo), call up demons and the dead, and "send healing energy".  They live in a fantasy world, and nothing you can say or do will change their minds, so content yourself with hooting with laughter, and move on.

2.  People who use "magick" as a means to concentrate.  These folks are usually found drawing squiggly lines and somehow "charging" them, in an effort to "remember" to improve themselves, etc.  While most people would simply tie a string around their finger, or send themselves an outlook notice, apparently squiggly lines are required for a certain type of person.  Usually harmless, but easily riled by demands for a concrete explanation of what they're doing.  If, however, you encourage them, they'll spam up the pics thread of your board for weeks with page after page of "sigils" that they can't or won't explain.  You have to be firm, and say "no", and perhaps hit them with a rolled up newspaper.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:31:38 AM
27.  Christian: (Noun) A religion embracing love and forgiveness, that also specializes in marginalizing or even killing those who don't believe what they believe, or who err in small areas of scripture.  This is not to be confused with Christ, who seems to have been a really together dude.

Bonus Richterian definition:  (perjorative)  A person who performs one good deed a month, and manages to screw over at least 3 others while doing so.  Then runs off to tell God (aka. the megachurch regulars) what they did.

"So you jacked up on your brakes in heavy traffic and caused 3 collisions behind you to let an elderly man cross the road.  You're a real fucking Christian."
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:32:00 AM
28.  Put The Rape To: (Verb) What happens when a woman forcefully has sex with a man (as if he's going to complain or something).

"Ima put the rape to you, boy!"
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:32:23 AM
29.  Spout: (Verb)  To rant verbally, and at length.  This is sometimes voluntary, and is sometimes an involuntary rage response.  Examples of the former would be spouting a prepared/rehearsed rant at a devival, and a particularly horrendous example of the second was the horrible "Mumu" rant of last March, which lasted 15 minutes and resulted in Nurse Freeky and a few others almost losing their shit, pance-wise.  Unfortunately, it was never recorded for posterity.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:32:52 AM
30.  Death Coffee: (Noun)  Various versions of coffee designed to get you through whatever you're doing, no matter what.  From the original version, about 150% of normal strength, through the most recent cold brewed horrors (400%), Death coffee, when used correctly, will actually allow you to levitate.  Side effects include jitters, convulsions, rabid weasels in your torso, and the hideous fact that precisely three hours after you drink it, the whole world will fall out of your arse.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:33:14 AM
31.  Tucson: (Noun)  Tucson is a city in Southern Arizona (note that reputable cartographers disregard the possibility of "North" existing in Arizona) that is widely known for being Eris' Holy City.  Tucson has a metropolitan population of 1,023,320.  320 of these are not drug addicts, criminals, or snowbirds, though we're not so sure about the last 20.

Unlike most cities, Tucson has very few tall buildings, due to cheap land, which makes it more economical to build multiple small buildings.  This means that the few tall buildings (in the Legal District) have been forced to install extra diving boards on their roofs.

The city is informally divided into several districts:

The Legal District:  This is where the majority of courthouses (federal, state, county, municipal), bank offices, and similar interests are.  It is also the only district that has lawns, and that combined with the close proximity of the bus station guarantees that the legal district is swarming with homeless people who were forced onto busses in Phoenix under threat of jail.  This is also one of the three districts that have clubs, etc.

4th Avenue:  This begins at the Legal District, and Runs North to the University District.  It is a collection of headshops, bars, and has the dubious distinction of having - no shit - a tattoo parlor on every block, both sides of the street, for 4 miles.  Once a haven for perverts and degenerates of every kind, 4th Avenue was ruined by City Hall, when they "cleaned it up" to avoid panicking the parents of college students, and the incessant hordes of snow birds who want only slightly dirty fun.  The death of 4th Avenue as a legitimate cultural and moral sinkhole was marked by the closure of Filthy Joe's Porn Emporium in 2007.

The University District:  This includes the Campus of the University of Arizona, and all the attached bars, clubs, porn/sex toy shops, and restaurants that go along with any proper university.  The police are very active here, and anyone caught rubbernecking at coeds in halter tops typically gets beaten down and hauled in for Indecent Imposition.

The Maze:  Largely Industrial, the Maze sits directly East of the Legal District, and comprises about 30% of the area of Tucson proper.  So called because of the poor layout of the streets, it is quite easy to get completely lost in this region.  The Northern end of the Maze is where you'll find malls, game shops, and other assorted niceties, while the South has oil storage areas, industry, industrial supply houses, and Desert Dominion, the most exclusive bondage club in the Southwest (members only, requires fee, waivers, and safety briefing).

Davis Monthan AFB:  South and East of the Maze District, this is a huge Air Force Base that includes mile after mile of aircraft storage and boneyards.  It is THE cathedral to The Machine God (see below), and also the only reason Tucson continues to exist at all, other than the university.

Central Filth:  Moving North from the University District, Central filth extends from Drachmann to Grant Road, with all the horrible shit that falls between.  This is where the famed Meatrack is located, as well as the Venture Inn, and is the stomping ground of the closest thing Tucson has to a motorcycle gang, the infamous Dirty Boys from Grant Road.  Casual visitors here are typically raped with their own pets, folded into quarters, and fed to local homeless people and crazies.  Not kidding here.  Visitors to the City should NOT go here alone.

North Filth:  The city of Marana.  This is where people who can't afford to live in the OV (see below), but are too proud of their redneckism, dwell.  It is characterized by there being precisely nothing to do but get fatter and fatter at the IHOP.

Miracle Mile:  The red light district.  The crappy red light district.  This is where Tucson stores its meth whores.  Home of the infamous "Sherwood Manor" trailer park, which isn't technically on Miracle Mile, but is rather an adjunct.

The Foothills:  This is where the rich people and more affluent snowbirds live.  Homes range from $500K up, and the people are just as awful as you'd expect.  This area is not to be mistaken for the OV (see next), as people here actually ARE rich.  There are 5 resorts in this area alone, 4 of which are open to anyone who can afford $1500+/night, and one which is invite only.  Pulling weirdness here will most likely get you arrested.

The OV:  Short for Oro Valley, this is actually a separate city somewhat North of Tucson (separated by 1/2 mile of county), at a much higher elevation.  The home of the show-off-poor and the almost rich, this area is steadily depopulating as mortgages go upside down faster than bankers can possibly hope to track.  If you want to see what post-apocalypse America will look like, walk down a few streets in the OV.  Empty houses, pools full of black slime, sun-faded church signs, and tumbleweeds in the street all mark the passing of the American Nightmare. 

South Filth:  Starting at the Legal District and heading South toward Green Valley, South Filth is quite possibly the most dangerous area of Tucson (Technically, it is a separate city named "South Tucson", but nobody is fooled.).  This is the area where the infamous "dude who got shot while he was being shot" incident occurred, and these are the people that shot the Good Humor Man for the $47 in his cashbox, back in 2005.  There is precisely zero reason to go here for any normal person.  I go back there occasionally because I still have friends there, and I sometimes like to see if they're still alive.

The Hive:  East of most of the above, The Hive District is the incredibly vast area of cheap apartment buildings and cheaper 1950's houses that runs roughly from Reid Park on the West, to the City limits on the East, and from 29th Street on the South, to Grant Road on the North.  Nothing ever happens here, and people who are born here usually die here, from boredom.

What most people don't know is that everyone lives in Tucson.  Even people in Europe.  Tucson is a microcosm of every rotten, horrible part of the City you live in, even if you don't live in a city.  This term is called "Universal Tucson" (see below).

Also, see "The Tucson Effect" (see below).
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:33:37 AM
32.  The Tucson Effect: (Noun)  The effect that Tucson has on humans, which is to say that any human who spends even one minute longer than 21 days in Tucson is doomed to stay.  Some folks have managed to leave, but invariably return.  If you are posted at the Air Force Base or Army Post, you have about a 50% chance of infection.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:33:57 AM
33.  Universal Tucson: (Noun)  The philosophy that where ever you may be, Tucson will find you.  This explains otherwise inexplicable car wrecks, senseless stabbings, and rich kids getting hooked on H.  When your beautiful city suddenly seems to be simulantaneously sunbaked AND dark & horrible, you are witnessing this effect.  You can't get away.  Pray to your Gods that it takes someone else, then try to get on with your life.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:34:20 AM
34.  The Machine God: (Noun)  Taken from Warhammer 40K, The Machine God is that spirit that causes machinery and electronics to function.  This includes your car, your computer, the power grid of your city, your cell phone, etc.  When these things fail to function, it is either because you have angered The Machine God, or because you have failed to perform the necessary maintenance rituals with proper reverence.  This means you're going to die under a bridge, sinner, and you have nobody to blame but yourself.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:34:47 AM
35.  Eris: (Noun)  An ancient Greek minor Goddess (strife and discord), Eris is often misrepresented as a hot chick who encourages creativity, dancing in wildflowers, and other ridiculous hippie shit.  Eris was actually depicted by the Greeks as a withered crone, up to her ankles in blood, when she wasn't hanging out on the back of Ares' chariot, and inspired Hesiod to write about her and her children:

But abhorred Eris ('Strife') bare painful Ponos ('Toil/Labor'), Lethe ('Forgetfulness') and Limos ('Famine') and tearful Algea (Pains/Sorrows), Hysminai ('Fightings/Combats') also, Makhai ('Battles'), Phonoi ('Murders/Slaughterings'), Androctasiai ('Manslaughters'), Neikea ('Quarrels'), Pseudea ('Lies/Falsehoods'), Amphillogiai ('Disputes'), Dysnomia ('Lawlessness') and Ate ('Ruin/Folly'), all of one nature, and Horkos ('Oath') who most troubles men upon earth when anyone wilfully swears a false oath.

and

For one fosters evil war and battle, being cruel: her no man loves; but perforce, through the will of the deathless gods, men pay harsh Strife her honour due.

Choke on that, Pinealists.  You're worshipping the wrong God.  You were probably after Hedone, Hormes, or Philophrosyne.  Too late, now.  Sucks to be you.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:35:11 AM
36.  The Blood God: (Noun)  Also swiped from 40K, The Blood God is central to the Richterian belief system, and is used to justify horrible beatings, road rage, and shoving hipsters into chippers. 

Sitting on his throne of skulls, the Blood God Khorne sees all, knows all, and hates all.  He exists solely to fucking your shit royally, unless you perform works in his name.  And they're only hipsters, right?  Best to play it safe, and get your battle axe today, to beat the rush.

From Liber Richterium:
Quote...And said the Christians, "follow the lamb, and be like unto him"...But are not lambs slaughtered in the spring?  Who will defend thee when thy swords are ploughshares and thy spears unshod?  Nay, take up thy axe and thy sword, and cleave unto Khorne, and follow him through the horrors of winter, and plant thy harvest of souls in the spring.  BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!...
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 08, 2011, 12:35:37 AM
37.  The Ham God: (Noun) A distant relative of The Blood God, The Ham God is the patron diety of pork shoulder, but is oddly enough most often invoked while driving.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 11, 2011, 05:35:54 PM
38.  Crazy Eddie: (Noun) You see Crazy Eddie every time a civilization begins to slip.  He has a well thought-out solution that he is certain will cure the issue.  Flat taxes, commodity-based currency, redefinitions of citizenship, privatization of roads and schools, etc.  Needless to say, the ideas don't work, because they don't address the root cause of any of the problems.  They can't.  But Crazy Eddie insists on trying, and invariably the problems magnify to the point where the society cannot continue, at least in its present form.

You can recognize Crazy Eddie, most of the time.  He's the one screaming that we have to get rid of institutions and practices that worked for a century or more, before they were bollixed up via malfeasance.  He doesn't want to fix the institutions or practices, he wants to replace them.

Crazy Eddie can't fix the problems, but neither can you stop Crazy Eddie from trying.  Yell and scream all you like, he's going to fix the circuit boards with the help of his trusty hammer and chisel.  In fact, Crazy Eddie will do anything in his power to stop anyone from addressing REAL issues, because HE'S RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG.  Only his ideas have merit.  Engineers and amateur economists are more likely than anyone else to become Crazy Eddie, but lots of other people do, too (Mostly people asking who this "John Galt" character is.).

Crazy Eddie is unstoppable, both because he is a divinely inspired idiot that takes ineptitude to near omnipotent levels, and because he has something the rest of the population lacks:  Belief.  He honestly believes everything he preaches, and a motivated fool is a force of nature.

Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 11, 2011, 06:40:25 PM
39.  Belgium: (Noun) The part of Western Europe that isn't England, France, Italy, or Germany.  Cultural costumes include wooden shoes, spiked helmets, lederhosen, and very small cars.  A little known fact is that Belgium has the highest suicide rate in the world, on account of unshaven female armpits.

President:  Mosselman

Capitol:  the city of Holland

Language:  Phlegmish

Currency:  the Baguette

Independence:  1830 (From France)

Drives on the:  Everywhere

Famous for:  Being Germany's speed bump, waffles

Cultural achievements:  Bjork

Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 29, 2011, 10:30:34 PM
40.  Pay'bucker: Noun A Po'bucker (cf) with money.  Basically, the same Nascar-watching, Limbaugh-listening fool, just with a respectable pile of filthy lucre.  Joe the Plumber was, for a short time, a Pay'bucker, but soon reverted to being a Po'bucker.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on April 24, 2011, 02:53:32 AM
41.  Mr Scratch & Mr Chop: Proper Nouns  These are LMNO's bother-boys, whom he sends out to deal with minor nuisances, or to convey a less-than-fatal message (traumatic amputations, after all, aren't always fatal).  They usually show up at your house with the upside down people (cf), and keep you awake all night by tromping up and down the underside of your stairs.  When this is not considered sufficient, LMNO sends the Antignano Brothers (cf) around, and that's that.  

Nobody is really sure what Mr Scratch and Mr Chop look like, so it's best not to take chances.  If two goons are standing outside your door trying to start a chainsaw, it's probably them (If they're in your bathroom and the chainsaw is actually going, it's the Antignano Brothers, and you have about 3 seconds to make peace with whatever the hell it is that you freaks worship.)

The best way to defend against Mr Scratch and Mr Chop is to not piss LMNO off.  If by chance this can't be avoided, consult the Tucson Codex for the right patterns to paint on your door with blood and semen.  Please note that - contrary to popular myth - this will not also keep the police away.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on April 25, 2011, 09:45:43 PM
42.  The Antignano Brothers: Proper Noun The Antignano Brothers are the most feared enforcers on the East coast.  They are the reason there's a New Bedford...They made an example out of the old one. 

Physically, they have been described as "Diesel locomotives poured into cheap suits", "a mustache Pete version of Hurricane Katrina", and "Ack!", this last from someone who got the arm put on them as they were being interviewed.

The brothers are so Italian that they can't leave the East coast unless they wear special suits with a forced olive oil supply, and debtors in Las Vegas have learned to dread the squishy noises that accompany their arrival.

Although they are willing to work for whomever will pay them, their primary employer is LMNO (aka "The Mustache", "The Latex Cowboy", et al).  When they show up, the fucking around is pretty much over, and they are the primary reason LMNO always gets things all his own way.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 12, 2011, 03:04:42 PM
43.  Professor Cramulous Proper Noun  Professor Cramulous is a prominent member of the Swamp Yankee Alliance, and is a man of many parts1.  While some claim that he is a beacon of knowledge in an age of darkness, others claim he is a vile pervert who is personally responsible for the condition of upstate New York.  We cannot cast judgement on him, as he is not technically responsible for his actions, but here is what we do know:

Good Things
1.  Cram led the charge in exposing diabetics as the scourge they are.
2.  Cram invented Ballpipe2.
3.  Cram co-invented the art of WOMP.

Bad Things
1.  Cram shags cars until they explode.  He is incapable of resisting Mini Coopers and VW Bugs, claiming "They've got sexy fuel injectors".  This is why everyone takes the bus in New York.
2.  Cram invented Ballpipe.
3.  Cram is actually Nancy Pelosi.  He has this hideous, immobile rubber mask he wears when he travels to DC.




1  Granted, he needs most of those parts to survive.

2  MOST of those parts.  Not all, apparently.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 12, 2012, 06:38:21 PM
44.  Baboonery: noun

1.  The state or condition of showing your inflamed ass before any sort of sufficient reason for a "pecking order" challenge has actually manifested.   

2.  The need for new people to show aforementioned ass as part of their introduction, to show the "old timers" that they have a bigger penis.  Apparently the one sticking out of their ass.

3.  The need for showing them all, months or years after a suffering what is perceived to be an offense.

4.  Digging in one's heels and screeching, to lessen the threat to your mating priveleges that can be caused by being wrong on the internet.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 12, 2012, 06:42:47 PM
45.  Upside Down People: Noun  Australians.  Particularly, Australians that come to America to leech our vital essences, and stomp up and down the underside of our stairwells all night.  This includes people from the "New Zealand" part of Australia.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on July 10, 2012, 03:58:06 PM
46.  Safe (n):  Safe is a four-letter word describing an object or state of mind in which you put things to protect them.  This can include yourself.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 05, 2012, 09:28:22 PM
47.  Beligeratti (n)  Coined by Supertroy over at Capitol Grilling, this is essentially the opposite of literatti.  Angry "town hall face" po'buckers, who are absolutely outraged at damn near everything, who despise education of any kind, and who still attend tea party meetings.  You can't swing a dead cat without hitting at least 3 of these fuckers, no matter where you go.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on September 25, 2012, 05:17:57 PM
48.  The Happy Hooker Syndrome (n):  The happy hooker syndrome is the thought process by which a person ascribes ideal conditions on something awful, to either excuse, legitimize, or defend his/her sense of privilege and/or moral superiority.

Named after the classic example of people assuming that prostitutes do what they do because they "like sex" or "want to make sure everyone can get their kink on", or even that they do it by choice.  Needless to say, in all but a few outliers1, this is ignoring several brutal realities (pimps, drug abuse, depersonalization, desensitization, disease, early death).

Another example is a person claiming that people are on government assistance because they prefer to be on government assistance (amidst claims that people on assistance are living the life of Rielly).

A more antiquated example:  "Those People prefer to be among their own kind, wearing their gaudy clothes, and playing their instruments on their front porches."


1  Curiously enough, EVERYONE arguing this point seems to know a Happy Hooker.  I've never met one, and throughout the course of my careers, I have literally met hundreds of prostitutes.
Title: Re: The Devil's Discordian Dictionary (Not for comments, only for definitions)
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 14, 2013, 06:52:21 PM
49.  Kafka's Gauntlet (n):  Kafka's Gauntlet is the gauntlet you have to run every day, to avoid being arrested and/or prosecuted.  Given that the laws are so Byzantine and convoluted, it is impossible for anyone not in a coma to avoid violating committing one crime or another...Therefore you avoid prison merely by luck (or the ability to "dodge") each and every day.

Named for Franz Kafka, a man ahead of his time and always ready for a good laugh.

Diagram below courtesy of Paes:

(http://www.gliffy.com/pubdoc/4223884/L.png)