In Defence of Power

[Placid Dingo]

First two chapters

In defense of power.

1.
Adrian hits the club hard, walking in like he owns the place, and smiles big. He scans the room for a target and aquires multiple targets instantly. It's on.

A mixed group, men and women wanders past. One guy, drunk yells out "too many steroids bro!"

Adrian pretends he can't hear him properly. "you have too many haemmoroids?" he queries.

"I said you have too many steroroids," he yells again.

Adrian laughs; an honest sounding laugh, free of malice or pretense (seemingly).

"that makes a lot more sense bro," he says, "thought you were telling me you had haemmoroids."

Before the man can respond, Adrian's stepped forward and pushed out a hand. The man moves on impulse before he even realizes and extends his also. Adrian seizes it.

"Adrian" he says, pumping the guy's hand.

"Steve," says the guy, again on impulse.

Adrian looks up at the other three. He points.

"I think you look like a Rufus. You look like a Mandy. And you could be a Sarah. No... Actually yeah. How'd I do?"

"why the fuck am I Rufus?" says not-Rufus.

"Sarah's my suster's name" says not-Sarah.

"so I got one out of three," says Asrian, nodding at the one he called Mandy.

"I'm Jane," she says.

Adrian nods and looks at not-Rufus. "I'm Mark,"

He looks at not-Sarah (the hot one). "I'm Lucy," she says. Arian smiles, shakes ands with everyone and goes over his 'nice to meet you's before wishing them all a good night.

He walks towards the centre of the room and sees two girls; one looks korean, the other kind of European. They're sitting with a fat guy.

Adrian stops. He knows the fat guy. His name is Edwin. They used to hang out and drink beer in the afternoon. They played WoW on the same server for years. Adrian approaches.

"Edwin?" he asks. Edwin looks at him, looking confused. 
"hey" Edwin says. He doesnt recognize him. 
"it's Adrian man! How you been?"
Edwin's face morphs into amazement.
"holy fuck," he says, his voice almost a whisper. "Adrian! Holy shit."
"good to see you man," says Adrian. "you look well."
"now way man, you're the one who fuckin' looks well!" he turns back to the women. "this guy, this fuckin guy was like, twice my size when I saw him last."
"when was that?" asks probably Korean.
"about... Two years, three years ago..."
"three, yeah," says Adrian.
"how'd you do it?" asks hot Eutopean. 
"I just haven't eaten for the last three years," he says earnestly and allows the girls a moment of shock before laughing and smiling, "nahh. I went to like some militant lardarse bootcamp and they beat done sense into me."
"that's what I should do," jokes Edwin, voice slightly forced. He's going for depreciating humor but he just sounds slightly pathetic. He knows he's been reduced to the side act and can't quote claw back to the top.
"well seriously man," he says, lowering his voice like theyre having a private chat, but loud enough to be heard by the women, "you're nowhere fuckin near where I was, like, heart attack danger zone, but it's worth doing. I can give you some names."
"yeah man, yeah" says Edwin nodding. He looks over at the women but seems to be short of conversation. 
"how do you girls know this troublemaker?" says Adrian.
"just met him tonight." says probably Korean.
Adrian put his hand on Edwins shoulder and give him a playful shake. "Careful, he's a fox."
They chat for a while with Adrian directing most of the conversation. probably Korean is definayely Korean, though Australian born. Hot European is actually French Canadian and just coming down to visit.
He strings them along for a while and checks his watch. 
"I'm going to make a move back home," he says, "need to feed the dog. I'll be back though, might see you all round."
Added chat, talking up the dog with a few funny anecdotes. The girls are interested. 
"look," says Adrian, "I'm good to drive so if you want to meet the mongrel thing, I'll take you back to mine when I feed him and then bring you all back here if you like." there is a flurry of consent, and they all move along into his car. He has a nice car; clean, red and expensive.

They climb in. He allows them to choose sides. Edwin sits beside him in the drivers seat. Ideally he'd have sat in the back with the Asian girl, giving Adrian the hottie to hit on, but the awkwardness of his decision helps establish him as an Alpha type so he doesn't object.

They arrive at his house. The dog is inside, a fluffy puffed up creature. The girls pat it and chat for a bit.

Adrian talks to the Canadian. He goes kino; uses touch, putting his hand gently on the small of her back as he laughs and jokes. The other two make awkward conversation.

Adrian leans in to his girl and speaks into her ear.
"want me to show you what I used to look like?"
she nods. He grabs her hand and leads her into his bedroom.

This is easy from here. The routine plays itself. He picks up a photo of himself as a fatty and shows it to her, laughing with her about it. Then he takes her hand and says 'I went from that...' placing her hand on his abs, '...to this.' her fingers play with the ripped hard muscles of his stomach and he leans in to kiss her on the mouth. She is prepped and ready from the last half hour or so of physical teasing so She responds readily to his touch and releases herself to him.

He pushes her hard against the wall and takes little time to be kissing her neck, running his fingers down her side. In moments he's unclasped her bra and pulled off their shirt pushing her down hard on the bed. They pull off the rest of their clothes and make love, intensely, firmly on the bed. They finish and Adrian pulls out and ties the condom, throwing it at the bin. It hits.

They talk a little in whispers, hands playing across each-others bodies. She wants to get back to her friend. She dresses urgently and he dresses too, before going back out. 

predictably Edwin and the Asian are right where he left them. Edwin is sulking like a puppy dog, the Korean is looking bored.

'fucking get over it' thinks Adrian. As if that fat fuck would know what to do with a woman if he had one. 

They climb into the car and drive off. The Canadian gives her number. Adrian leaves, and never sees her again.

2.
Edwin sees Adrian again a few weeks later when he's getting lunch. He's by himself getting a burger.

Adrian is dining with a Japanese girl he's met out clubbing. He's enjoying the conversation, despite her stilted English. He's not even on the script right now; he doesn't know if hes going to get some and he doesn't give a shit.

Edwin is angry and has had time to stew in his bitterness. He sees  Adrian with the girl and charges over to him.

"you fucking traitor!" he yells. People are turning to stare at them.
Adrian turns to look at Edwin for a few moments. His face is red and sweaty. 
"Edwin," he says. "this is Michiko. Michiko this is Edwin. We went to school together."
"Michiko, hey" says Edwin, dismissively, then turns to Adrian. "you gonna fuck her too?"
"none of your fucking business," says Adrian. 
He turns to the girl. "you want me to get this guy thrown out, or do you just want to catch up later?"
She looks faintly embarrassed. "I think we meet later," she says, excusing herself politely. 
Adrian stares directly at Edwin.
"take a seat" he says. 
Edwin pauses, then shakes his head. 
"nah. I'm fine now. I said my piece. Some frie..."
"I havent." says Adrian. "so sit the fuck down."
Edwin hesitates, but sits. He looks uncomfortable now, having used up all his energy in a violent rage.
"not that you deserve it; but I'm getting a beer what do you drink?"
"I'm fine."
"the fuck you are. Gold?"
Edwin nods after aggressive prompting, and Adrian walks up to the bar, gets two beers and comes back, dumps one in front of Edwin.
"what the fuck did you go and do a thing like that for?" says Adrian.
"what do you think man? You ruined my night."
"what night? Last night? Night before that?"
"you know what night."
"ok, sure. I know. And what did I ruin?"
"they were my girls dude, things were going to well, and you came in and took them away from me."
Adrian laughs at him. "fuck off." he takes a drink. "like youd know what to do with a girl if you got one. You had every chance with that Korean chick. You could have sat with her in the car. You could have put your hand on her leg. You could have tacked yourserl into her oriental pants while I was fucking the other one, but you didn't."
"because you came up and made me look bad."
"no, you made yourself look bad because you're fat, your attitude sucks and you're socially retarded. It's easier for you to blame me than look at yourself honestly, so you come up here like an asshole, embarrass yourself in front of Michiko and make a bigass scene. What the fuck?"
Edwin is silent. He's fuming inside but he doesn't know how to respond. Eventually he makes a weak retort.
"you just took over my whole night man. You should have helped me out, not left you behind."
"why should I help you?"
"because... Because you're good at this stuff man, and I'm not."
"so I should help you because I'm better than you? At this?"
"man I don't have the... The skills you have..."
"... And you never will. Not if you stay too scared to try." Adrian drinks the last of his beer. "excuse me. My help is reserved for people who help themselves."
He leaves, and Edwin just sits there, fuming for what feels like ever.

[Pæs]

Names have been altered to protect the innocent but Adrian is CLEARLY Lys.
Nobody else gets that much tail.

[Freeky]

Names have been altered to protect the innocent but Adrian is CLEARLY Lys.
Nobody else gets that much tail.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Names have been altered to protect the innocent but Adrian is CLEARLY Lys.
Nobody else gets that much tail.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Placid Dingo, I REALLY hope you're posting this as a troll on at least one of  the seduction/MLP boards. It's good in that way.

[Placid Dingo]

The concept is that edwin start up a gym for men like him, feeling that it's his duty to help those who haven't got their shit together. It fails, he turns evil and ends the storey locking all his clients and adrian in the basement at a ball and meets and greets on his own. There should be some mediations on power in there.

I'm aiming for over the top without bring completely unrealistic. I wanted to break down mundane things into concious power struggles too.

[Pæs]

The concept is that edwin start up a gym for men like him, feeling that it's his duty to help those who haven't got their shit together. It fails, he turns evil and ends the storey locking all his clients and adrian in the basement at a ball and meets and greets on his own. There should be some mediations on power in there.

I'm aiming for over the top without bring completely unrealistic. I wanted to break down mundane things into concious power struggles too.

It feels like the narration is totally supporting this Casanova asshole. Is there a character the reader is supposed to be supporting?
Honestly, so far to me it reads like PUA wish-fulfillment. I'm not saying that's what I think it is... but if I read it anywhere else, I would assume that the author was too involved in it.

[Placid Dingo]

The concept is that edwin start up a gym for men like him, feeling that it's his duty to help those who haven't got their shit together. It fails, he turns evil and ends the storey locking all his clients and adrian in the basement at a ball and meets and greets on his own. There should be some mediations on power in there.

I'm aiming for over the top without bring completely unrealistic. I wanted to break down mundane things into concious power struggles too.

It feels like the narration is totally supporting this Casanova asshole. Is there a character the reader is supposed to be supporting?
Honestly, so far to me it reads like PUA wish-fulfillment. I'm not saying that's what I think it is... but if I read it anywhere else, I would assume that the author was too involved in it.

I'd like to set up Adrian as essentially a decent person, but I can totally see where the wish fulfillment thing is jarring.

I used a lot of the pua terminology conciously to try to point out that he's not just goin with it; he has an agenda and is trying to push it, but I can see how it's kind of pushing the territory of pua fantasy wank.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Adrian is a completely unsympathetic character who I think most of your readers will be hoping gets set on fire at some point. Also, any female readers will be full of horror that the women in your story are apparently brain-dead enough to be picked up by such a repulsive human being.

[LMNO]

He's certainly in full-blown sociopath mode.  But I can see the story skewing it towards the idea that he doesn't even realize it, and thinks he's only living in the world as it wants him to do.  Which makes the world as twisted and emotionless as he is.

I also see the potential of introducing a female character as warped as he is, so as to give both sides of the story.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I would suggest a pen name along the lines of Rosemary Titsworth or Alyssa Durant.

[Cramulus]

I enjoyed this.

To add some constructive feedback, I think the power-plays need to be more explicit. You hit it dead on with the bit in the car, making them choose sides, feeling like an Alpha. This paragraph is really the spirit of it, right?

They climb in. He allows them to choose sides. Edwin sits beside him in the drivers seat. Ideally he'd have sat in the back with the Asian girl, giving Adrian the hottie to hit on, but the awkwardness of his decision helps establish him as an Alpha type so he doesn't object.

I liked how you showed that Adrian thinks of everybody as objects, in his mind, it's only labels like "probably korean", he's thinking purely in terms of sex.

Edwin nods after aggressive prompting, and Adrian walks up to the bar, gets two beers and comes back, dumps one in front of Edwin.

This line - does he dump the beer ON Edwin, or does he just put it down in front of him kind of violently? kind of unclear


I think I might have missed the point if I wasn't passingly familiar with pickup artist techniques. You might make that a bit more explicit by revealing Adrian's inner monologue, having him explicitly think of these techniques while he's working them.


anyway, overall, enjoyable piece! But I feel like the ending still needs something. You've shown the relationship between these two characters, now I want to know where it's going... what their chemistry produces, and what's going to make them change.

[East Coast Hustle]

I don't want to see them change or grow out of their idiocy.

I HATE stories of redemption.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I don't want to see them change or grow out of their idiocy.

I HATE stories of redemption.

Well, I have bad news for you.

So far, this is following formula #3 of Romance Novels, only with the gender roles reversed.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I would love it if you threw in a bit showing how Adrian reacts when he encounters someone his manipulation doesn't work on... my experience has been that such people by nature restrict their social circle to people it does work on, and avoid those who see through it or don't respond favorably to it like the plague. It limits them, usually, to a fairly low social strata... kind of a big fish in a small pond effect. In my experience, as soon as they encounter a person or social group who challenges them, they literally turn around and walk away, and pretend that it didn't happen, because to engage would not only cause them to lose face, but it would also challenge their idea of how the world, and the people in it, works.