Conquest of the Planet of the Bride of the Son of the Return of the Open Bar

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

These are my people. If any of you are hurting for cash, come.on up, because that's what the competition is like, in any sector.

Meanwhile, I've got a tank of gas, a few thousand miles of Alaskan highway, and a raging case of GO FUCK YOURSELF. Let me tell you, I knew marriage wasn't going to be puppy dog and rainbows, but I am damn near the end of my vast reserves of patience.

Also, I feel this needs to be said (not to you, Nigel), if there are any of you PDers who simply don't think very highly of me, please, PLEASE, don't feel the need to respond to me or be my FB friend even if I do actually respect and admire you. In fact, just please do your best to leave me the fuck alone.

Thanks.

Dude, if you need to chat, i have eyes and an internet connection.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gejSEOnaYek

[Salty]

These are my people. If any of you are hurting for cash, come.on up, because that's what the competition is like, in any sector.

Meanwhile, I've got a tank of gas, a few thousand miles of Alaskan highway, and a raging case of GO FUCK YOURSELF. Let me tell you, I knew marriage wasn't going to be puppy dog and rainbows, but I am damn near the end of my vast reserves of patience.

Also, I feel this needs to be said (not to you, Nigel), if there are any of you PDers who simply don't think very highly of me, please, PLEASE, don't feel the need to respond to me or be my FB friend even if I do actually respect and admire you. In fact, just please do your best to leave me the fuck alone.

Thanks.

Dude, if you need to chat, i have eyes and an internet connection.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I think I have it as sorted as I'm going to get it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gejSEOnaYek

[Salty]

I just wrote this and sent to my idiot cousin. His parents seem to be unable to let the stupid bastard fall on his own face. How else will he learn? How do any of us learn?

Dear O,

I am writing this to you because it seems no one else wants to tell you these things, or you don't want to listen when they do.

I am also writing it because you have a certain admiration of me and so maybe it will sync in.

I have not had any conversations with your mother or father about this, and these are all my opinions.

I am sorry it's no in German, but people will be able to translate it, I'm sure.

Before I say anything else I want to say, you're probably going to get mad at me.

GOOD. You should be mad. You want to be a musician? You want to make ART? You better get mad because you are a richly fed dumbass white boy from the German suburbs. The rap game is some tough shit and you need to get hard fast. Get mad. USE the anger. Or you can cry about all of this like a giant baby. Your choice.


1. Pull you god damned head out of your ass.

You're not special, you're no new or different. The only thing you are bringing to the table is an appetite, you need to bring in some MEAT. You need to earn your own money, or otherwise work toward earning your own money. At this present moment you are not acting like a man in the tinyiest little bit. Not even a little bit.

A man always follows though on his word.
A man takes care of his own needs, so that he can take care of others.
A fully grown man makes sure he can pay his own bills.

You do not pay your bills. Your government GIVES YOU MONEY for NO REASON AT ALL. Do you have any idea how lucky that makes you? Do you think that happens in America? No. Here the children, hundreds and thousands of children STARVE TO DEATH. Are you starving to death? No. But close enough. That Mcdonalds you consume does not build more Oliver, it just builds a cranky asshole.

And believe me, I AM a cranky asshole. All the time. I am grumpy, unfriendly, rude, impatient, and mean. But people still like me and I successful because I take care of myself.

2. You want to be a rapper? Great. Get in line.

There are roughly two hundred million-billion people out there who want to be famous rappers. Or rappers at all. You want that? Prepare to bleed, sweat, and bleed. ART IS PAIN. You have to feel pain to create art, which is something that BELIEVE ME you have not felt. You have never known hunger, you have never wanted for anything.

You mom and dad had the time and money to raise you in such a way that there was not ONE SINGLE DAY where you did not get what you needed, and often from the looks of it, you got whatever you want.

THAT IS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

I saw you telling that place you wanted an advertisement for your single.

ARE YOU INSANE? THose people are in BUSINESS. They make money. Why in the fuck should they want anything to do with you? Who the hell do you think you are? WHen it comes to business you are nobody. Nobody. You know nothing about business.

You should be kissing that companies ass, begging them, making them fucking dinner, impressing them like you impress your woman. BETTER than you impress your woman.

If you want to be a rapper you better learn how business works and learn motherfucking FAST.

EVERY SINGLE RAP LEGEND, OF WHOM YOU PROBABLY KNOW LITTLE ABOUT, ARE BUSINESS MEN.

WHAT ARE YOU?

3. You are wasting an opportunity.

You know how many people who want to do art are in the position you're in? Nobody. Ever. You are super lucky. MAKE USE OF IT.

You have a supportive family, who are bascially paying your way, as though you were still a child. You don't really have bills. You have time to do whatever you want.

Make music. Spend 5 hours EVERY SINGLE WEEK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE learning about business. Spend 35 hours a week making music. Learn about rap legends. Learn how music works and what makes it better. As soon as you can PLAY SHOWS.

You are not going to make money on iTunes. Do you understand that will never, ever, ever happen? You are not going to make money on iTunes. You MAY earn a small living if you can play shows and make music into a BUSINESS that will work for you.

4. Finally,

I don't know your, uh, fiancee, but I have never met a woman in my life that liked staying with a guy who didn't have his shit together.

If nothing else I have said has gotten to you, or if you're all butthurt now, PAY ATTENTION:

YOUR WOMAN WILL LEAVE YOU, MANY, MANY WOMEN WILL LEAVE YOU IF YOU DON'T STEP UP, BE A MAN, AND MAKE SHIT HAPPEN FOR YOUR LIFE BY LEARNING HOW.

And here's the real bad news, sometimes they leave you anyway, because that's how the world is.

Sorry to be the one to tell you all this, but it seems like no one else can, or you won't listen to them if they do.

I love you cousin, don't be an asshole.


Love,
Alty

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Alty, you are ToughLoveAmazing.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

ALTY: BRINGER OF REALITY.

Good on you for saying what needed to be said. He won't like it but it might actually HELP him in the long run.

[Trivial]

I just want to share the fact that a guy at work thought Lady Godiva and Paul Revere did the same thing.

[Cain]

So, Justin Bieber is in trouble again, after leaving a note in the Anne Frank Museum guestbook which read: "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber."

Look, Justin, the Nazis did not need another reason to want to kill her, OK?

[Faust]

Is he just trying to stir up controversy because His monkey was quarantined at the airport and will likely be destroyed?

[AFK]

It's times like these I am grateful to have a daughter who could give a flying fuck about the latest pop singing sensations. 

[EK WAFFLR]

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Got a meeting in 25 minutes.  After that, LOBB.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

YAY!!!!!

It's been a lonnnnnnng weekend. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Got a meeting in 25 minutes.  After that, LOBB.

SWEET!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

LOBB up, board dead.   

Off to find something else to do, or write more LOBB.