Open Bar: Funnier Than White People Practicing Voodoo

[minuspace]

After empirical observation I conclude I am cursed

OR

I joined the Wrong Religion.

I hope it's the latter, then all you bastards are in the same boat.

That's what community is all about.

Or, both conclusions are false and Eris forgot how she already had visited her wrath on the histories of ancestors still to come.  Her neglect is otherwise also lamented and she prides herself on instilling such contradictory thoughts in the hearts of great men.  Awoman.

[Junkenstein]

Waiting for doctors appointment. Building stinks of death.

[Junkenstein]

I'm pretty sure there are at least two actual corpses in this room.

[Raz Tech]

Wife was supposed to be gone from this morning until Tuesday to hang out with her friends .  At some point this changed, and she neglected to make me aware of it.  I was upstairs when she got home, and was alerted to her presence by a blood-curdling scream of RAZ! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY KITCHEN!?  After a little bout of telling her it's okay, I put towels down, it became apparent that this was a losing battle.  In her words, "I was only gone for six hours and you turned my kitchen into a fucking AutoZone!" So apparently I'm not allowed to rebuild transmissions in the kitchen anymore (not that I ever was), and as penance I have to clean the kitchen every day this week regardless of who cooks dinner.  I also have to clean my garage so I can do things out there.

I told her that coming home to me rebuilding a transmission in the kitchen should be preferable to coming home to me rebuilding another womans vagina in the kitchen.  This too was apparently the incorrect argument to make.

I still haven't figured out why or how she puts up with me.

You are like Super Dave Osborne. 

Slightly fewer horribly disfiguring accidents 

[Cainad (dec.)]

Passed my first level Kung-Fu test yesterday, for white sash. I definitely need to stay on top of my cardio for the future, because I was getting the "heart trying to break out of ribcage" sensation long before my limbs got exhausted.

But far more interesting than my baby-tier test was the kid's tests, specifically the girls working toward their higher-level stuff. I'm not sure I've ever watched a person, much less a kid, work through that much exhaustion.

[Suu]

Wife was supposed to be gone from this morning until Tuesday to hang out with her friends .  At some point this changed, and she neglected to make me aware of it.  I was upstairs when she got home, and was alerted to her presence by a blood-curdling scream of RAZ! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY KITCHEN!?  After a little bout of telling her it's okay, I put towels down, it became apparent that this was a losing battle.  In her words, "I was only gone for six hours and you turned my kitchen into a fucking AutoZone!" So apparently I'm not allowed to rebuild transmissions in the kitchen anymore (not that I ever was), and as penance I have to clean the kitchen every day this week regardless of who cooks dinner.  I also have to clean my garage so I can do things out there.

I told her that coming home to me rebuilding a transmission in the kitchen should be preferable to coming home to me rebuilding another womans vagina in the kitchen.  This too was apparently the incorrect argument to make.

I still haven't figured out why or how she puts up with me.

FUCKING. FLOORED.

[Suu]

Passed my first level Kung-Fu test yesterday, for white sash. I definitely need to stay on top of my cardio for the future, because I was getting the "heart trying to break out of ribcage" sensation long before my limbs got exhausted.

But far more interesting than my baby-tier test was the kid's tests, specifically the girls working toward their higher-level stuff. I'm not sure I've ever watched a person, much less a kid, work through that much exhaustion.

Welcome to the world of Eastern Martial Arts. Your mental capacity for exhaustion and relentless ability to think about quitting and not actually quitting is going to astound you.

-Suu
Mentally quit during her 1st dan black belt test about 20 times after eating dirt and needing stitches on her arms.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Passed my first level Kung-Fu test yesterday, for white sash. I definitely need to stay on top of my cardio for the future, because I was getting the "heart trying to break out of ribcage" sensation long before my limbs got exhausted.

But far more interesting than my baby-tier test was the kid's tests, specifically the girls working toward their higher-level stuff. I'm not sure I've ever watched a person, much less a kid, work through that much exhaustion.

Congratulations, Cainad.

[Ben Shapiro]

Passed my first level Kung-Fu test yesterday, for white sash. I definitely need to stay on top of my cardio for the future, because I was getting the "heart trying to break out of ribcage" sensation long before my limbs got exhausted.

But far more interesting than my baby-tier test was the kid's tests, specifically the girls working toward their higher-level stuff. I'm not sure I've ever watched a person, much less a kid, work through that much exhaustion.

But can you Judo chop?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

So, I was writing cracked bios for a writing group I'm on, and one of them returned fire:

Hamish. Doktor Howl. Uncle Ham-ham. The most interesting man in the world. Hamish is as old as the universe itself and as wise as a day is long. He started it all. He caused the Big Bang. When someone asks you what came before the big bang the answer is one word; Hamish. It all started when Hamish decided to eat some curry tacos on a long trip with no option of a bathroom. The tacos were delicious, but almost immediately after his 2,526th one they were ready to be released. He felt that crampy, sharp, side pain that often comes with explosive diarrhea, and instantly thought, "Oh fuck..." It would be hours before he was able to release this beast. What could he do?


He held on tight. He focused every ounce of energy into those sphincter muscles. Beads of sweat poured down his face like a water fall in a monsoon. His legs felt weak like he had run a marathon uphill wearing Volkswagons for shoes. His vision went blurry. His head felt dizzy. There was no way he'd be able to hold it that long. He even almost considered praying. Then it happened...

Like the Louisiana Levy during Hurricane Katrina, Hamish's sphincter gave up and released a massive butt sneeze that sprayed like a fire hydrant with the cap removed. For days it kept gushing out all over at unbelievable rates of speed. He gave anal birth to the galaxies, the stars, and the planets. He gave birth to the Gods. He gave birth to everything. So when you look up at the stars and you wonder why we're all here and what does it all mean... Remember that we are all butt particles of a terrible taco binge. You aren't star stuff. You are butt stuff.

[Ben Shapiro]

Waiting in Break room for my wife to be finished with her Robotics course, and seven female middle-aged paper pushers are discussing the good old days, how special snowflakes they were in 2nd grade, and how to manage kids who are gifted, but just don't give a fuck about following school rules. Now they're going on about productive ways to occupy the time of kids who misbehave. I think the asian one saw me snickering at them, and knows I'm writing about them. I'd leave, but this is amazing research. 10 signs I'm middle-aged, and have it good. The black one was talking about how she likes rap, but not anymore because it's too hardcore. The old white lady just nodding her head in approval. Salt and Peppa changed her life though.

[Ben Shapiro]

So the soda jockey who comes in and refills machine is filling up the machine with various drinks, and NOW the paper pushers are going into detail on which soda is the best soda ever. YEP YEP YEP IT'S DIFFIDENTLY MONDAY!

[Ben Shapiro]

ONE OF THEM JUST ASKED THE SODA JOCKEY HOW DO THEY GET PEANUT BUTTER IN BETWEEN THOSE CRACKERS!

/SHOTGUNTOTHEFACE

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

So, I was writing cracked bios for a writing group I'm on, and one of them returned fire:

Hamish. Doktor Howl. Uncle Ham-ham. The most interesting man in the world. Hamish is as old as the universe itself and as wise as a day is long. He started it all. He caused the Big Bang. When someone asks you what came before the big bang the answer is one word; Hamish. It all started when Hamish decided to eat some curry tacos on a long trip with no option of a bathroom. The tacos were delicious, but almost immediately after his 2,526th one they were ready to be released. He felt that crampy, sharp, side pain that often comes with explosive diarrhea, and instantly thought, "Oh fuck..." It would be hours before he was able to release this beast. What could he do?


He held on tight. He focused every ounce of energy into those sphincter muscles. Beads of sweat poured down his face like a water fall in a monsoon. His legs felt weak like he had run a marathon uphill wearing Volkswagons for shoes. His vision went blurry. His head felt dizzy. There was no way he'd be able to hold it that long. He even almost considered praying. Then it happened...

Like the Louisiana Levy during Hurricane Katrina, Hamish's sphincter gave up and released a massive butt sneeze that sprayed like a fire hydrant with the cap removed. For days it kept gushing out all over at unbelievable rates of speed. He gave anal birth to the galaxies, the stars, and the planets. He gave birth to the Gods. He gave birth to everything. So when you look up at the stars and you wonder why we're all here and what does it all mean... Remember that we are all butt particles of a terrible taco binge. You aren't star stuff. You are butt stuff.

Writing group? *ears perk up*

That there is pure art. Classic literature. Should be taught in schools. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

So, I was writing cracked bios for a writing group I'm on, and one of them returned fire:

Hamish. Doktor Howl. Uncle Ham-ham. The most interesting man in the world. Hamish is as old as the universe itself and as wise as a day is long. He started it all. He caused the Big Bang. When someone asks you what came before the big bang the answer is one word; Hamish. It all started when Hamish decided to eat some curry tacos on a long trip with no option of a bathroom. The tacos were delicious, but almost immediately after his 2,526th one they were ready to be released. He felt that crampy, sharp, side pain that often comes with explosive diarrhea, and instantly thought, "Oh fuck..." It would be hours before he was able to release this beast. What could he do?


He held on tight. He focused every ounce of energy into those sphincter muscles. Beads of sweat poured down his face like a water fall in a monsoon. His legs felt weak like he had run a marathon uphill wearing Volkswagons for shoes. His vision went blurry. His head felt dizzy. There was no way he'd be able to hold it that long. He even almost considered praying. Then it happened...

Like the Louisiana Levy during Hurricane Katrina, Hamish's sphincter gave up and released a massive butt sneeze that sprayed like a fire hydrant with the cap removed. For days it kept gushing out all over at unbelievable rates of speed. He gave anal birth to the galaxies, the stars, and the planets. He gave birth to the Gods. He gave birth to everything. So when you look up at the stars and you wonder why we're all here and what does it all mean... Remember that we are all butt particles of a terrible taco binge. You aren't star stuff. You are butt stuff.

Writing group? *ears perk up*

That there is pure art. Classic literature. Should be taught in schools. 

FB thing.

JOIN US.  DON'T BE AFRAID.
\