Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Two vast and trunkless legs of stone => Topic started by: Freeky on November 02, 2012, 08:20:59 PM

Title: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 02, 2012, 08:20:59 PM
So, I realized a while ago - I don't really remember how long - that my life has been completely devoid of all meaning.  Even the monkey, who I love deeply (when I can feel things that have meaning) and genuinely feel pride in my duty towards, was the product of something completely meaningless.  I'm never going to tell him that, though.  He does have meaning, and his life will.  I'll make sure of it.



My duty as a parent, I realized last night, is to get him to adulthood safe and healthy - that's it.  But expanding "healthy" out to it's full equation means so many other things than physical well being - it means playtime, bedtime stories and music and kisses goodnight, teaching by example to be a decent human being, lessons about self-reliance and asking for help when you need it, socializing, the list is endless and goes on - that if I were explain it in just that first sentence, I wouldn't feel bad about myself and my role in being a parent.  It's my deal, not anyone else's. 



Fuck everyone and what they think about me.  I no longer have the time, patience, or luxury to keep these Negative Nancies around me, while I screw my head-brain up trying to achieve their approval while simultaneously trying to grasp the things I need to keep myself balanced and functioning.

That's what I'd like to say, but I think thinking like this and acting as such might stress the people I care about too much, because they care what people think about me.  Perhaps is best to not?  Perhaps.  I think so, maybe.



I existed (wouldn't call it living) for a solid twenty some odd years playing shit straight and safe and sane.  This led to an overabundance of having no fun whatsoever.  I've had it in the back of my mind for a year or two that life is short, shorter than most people think.  A lot of people realize this, yeah, that's cool, but it seems like they just get on about their days as if they were going to live another forty years, minimum.  They don't know how they're going to die, so they just sort of "Meh" at the world. 

Well, I'm not them.  I'm not anyone, except me.  I'm pretty sure I know that my life will probably end at my own hand, eventually.  Not soon, I think, not too terribly soon.  But I'll lose the fight someday, and it'll be game over, and what then?  What will I have done to excuse my life here?



The past couple of months have been tumultuous for me.  I'm somewhere different now, and I don't like it very much, but there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it.  Well, there is a thing I can do, and that thing is to make up for years lost being safe and sane and motherfucking boring as a piece of cowshit.  I'm ready for debauchery and obnoxiousness and laughing and grinning and baying at the moon, shrieking gaily and cawing and leaping and chasing and fighting and dancing and more laughing.  That will be the rest of my life, to the best of my ability to keep doing so.  I've been doing good at it so far, so that's a positive thing. 



This second, I feel like my brain is glazed over and has a frozen grin and grimace of cold hate and a scary leer all at the same time.  I didn't a few days ago, so I know it'll pass pretty soon, but it isn't a nice feeling.  I'm getting good at ignoring things about myself or things I feel that I don't like, so it's cool I guess.  It's just kind of unsettling to not be able to feel things, sort of.  Not deep things, anyway. 
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Elder Iptuous on November 02, 2012, 09:17:33 PM
Freeky,  i've been pretty damned lucky in my life.  like, sometimes it feels guilty lucky.
and yet, i can identify with some of what you say.
the feeling that you should be seeking more meaning.  or, sometimes, the feeling that you should, at least, want to seek more meaning.

i've found, in my experience, that the cause can be the cure....
gotta chase that Meaning, because we're blessed with such an ephemeral vapor of a life, right?  gotta do.... something.... because the shows over at midnight, right?
well. so is regret.
i meditate on that. 
it's unnatural for to imagine not existing in the future, because i have no memory of not existing (obviously).  and so, even if i rationally know this, it's hard not to think feel that i will regret "not doing this", or "not doing that" once i'm dead and i don't have a shot at it anymore.
i meditate on the time before i was alive.  that lack of being.  there's nothing -absolutely nothing- unsettling about that time.  so i think on it.  i hold it in my mind, and i stretch that notion forward to an unknown point in the future when i'm dead and gone.  and i tack the other end of that notion there.  it makes it seem less intimidating, and also makes projecting anticipated feelings beyond my life (such as regret) seem as silly as they really are....

ymmv
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 02, 2012, 09:22:25 PM
I don't know what YMMV means.



As for seeking meaning, I'm not sure I want to do that.  It's like Lo5ing, you know?  If you're looking for it, I think, or maybe if I'm looking for it, I should say, then I will find it everywhere it shouldn't be. 

But I don't think that's to say that meaningless is bad, either.  Meaningless can still be fulfilling, given that you know it's meaningless, and aren't looking for meaning in just having fun.  If you try to derive meaning from meaningless, then I think it will be very unfulfilling for the person involved.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 02, 2012, 09:23:36 PM
I like what you said.  I'm going to think about it some, and see if any of it sticks in my head. :)
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Richter on November 02, 2012, 10:49:29 PM
Roger put it well when he spoke of things people do to keep themselves busy until they die.  What is motivation or purpose?

We live on working around one third of our waking time, give or take.  We pursue interests, hungers, glandualar initiatives.  It could jsut as easily be a race to get to the next time we feel good (KISS or Van Halen) as a vain struggle to hang on to the times when we are feeling good (Simon and Garfunkle or Alice in Chains).  These are both traps though, and different sides of a coin suspiciously like addictive behavior.

People are interesting.  Socialization works for our species.  This may be another hard - coded initiative, but in the long run only by knowing and communicating with others can we get some perspective from outside our own heads.  (That or drugs - which leads back to the Alice in Chains problem)

If we look at the  universe as devoid of gods, spirits, morality or higher purpose, just a cold wiff of spinning complications of hydrogen, then what is there to move ourselves by?  It's a lonely view.
My only cure thusfar has been momentum and focus.  I have Science!, and will carry it out as long as I can.  I will observe and learn and poke,  I will endure in this pursuit as long as I can, until my perspective is extinguished.  If there is more, then looking for it is worthier than just winking out in despair.  If there was nothing there anyways, well then it's still the better for having explored it.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Elder Iptuous on November 02, 2012, 10:51:23 PM
ymmv=your mileage my vary
yeah...i may be using the term 'meaning' loosely.  but, it's kind of a loose word, anyways, i think.
if it gives you any comfort, i'd be happy.  :)
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: AFK on November 02, 2012, 11:25:34 PM
Quote from: Richter, Baron von on November 02, 2012, 10:49:29 PM
If there was nothing there anyways, well then it's still the better for having explored it.


Indeed.  Our individual lives mean jack shit on a global level, even less when you zoom out to the cosmos and surrounding environs.  All the more reason to be selfish and make sure you get the most out of it for yourself.  We are but a blink of an eye for Father Time, but throw some lemonade in his eyes, and make it one fucking HILARIOUS blink.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 03, 2012, 12:14:29 AM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on November 02, 2012, 11:25:34 PMAll the more reason to be selfish and make sure you get the most out of it for yourself.


Hm, I disagree with this, sort of.  For myself, anyway.  That could easily excuse the worst of behaviors people can inflict on other people, and in some cases, Libertarians.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 03, 2012, 12:21:53 AM
QuoteIf we look at the  universe as devoid of gods, spirits, morality or higher purpose, just a cold wiff of spinning complications of hydrogen, then what is there to move ourselves by?  It's a lonely view.


There is certainly morality, I think.  Unless you mean is the universe is inherently moral?  In which case, no I don't think there is.  No evidence, just a feeling. 


I don't think it's so lonely, if a person focuses on things that mean something to them.  SCIENCE! works great for some people, and I'm glad you've found something there that keeps you going. :D
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 03, 2012, 12:23:18 AM
Quote from: Elder Iptuous on November 02, 2012, 10:51:23 PM
ymmv=your mileage my vary

if it gives you any comfort, i'd be happy.  :)

Ah good.  On both counts. :D
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: AFK on November 03, 2012, 02:21:57 AM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 03, 2012, 12:14:29 AM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on November 02, 2012, 11:25:34 PMAll the more reason to be selfish and make sure you get the most out of it for yourself.


Hm, I disagree with this, sort of.  For myself, anyway.  That could easily excuse the worst of behaviors people can inflict on other people, and in some cases, Libertarians.


I meant more in the sense that what one does satisfies their own set of sensibilities and not dependent on the measure-of-worth systems of others.


Certainly, I would not condone being a jerk to others for selfish means.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mistre on November 04, 2012, 09:16:54 PM
(https://sslimgs.xkcd.com/comics/nihilism.png)
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 04, 2012, 09:21:02 PM
Quote from: Mistre on November 04, 2012, 09:16:54 PM
(https://sslimgs.xkcd.com/comics/nihilism.png)

Guy With Hat is AWESOME.   :lulz:
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 04, 2012, 09:35:14 PM
Quote from: Mistre on November 04, 2012, 09:16:54 PM
(https://sslimgs.xkcd.com/comics/nihilism.png)

YES.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Aucoq on November 04, 2012, 09:52:20 PM
Quote from: Mistre on November 04, 2012, 09:16:54 PM
(https://sslimgs.xkcd.com/comics/nihilism.png)

That's a badass comic!   :lol:
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mistre on November 04, 2012, 10:50:57 PM
To those who are curious, the comic is xkcd (I am a fan).
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Kai on November 05, 2012, 01:33:21 AM
Quote from: Richter, Baron von on November 02, 2012, 10:49:29 PM

If we look at the  universe as devoid of gods, spirits, morality or higher purpose, just a cold wiff of spinning complications of hydrogen, then what is there to move ourselves by?  It's a lonely view.
My only cure thusfar has been momentum and focus.  I have Science!, and will carry it out as long as I can.  I will observe and learn and poke,  I will endure in this pursuit as long as I can, until my perspective is extinguished.  If there is more, then looking for it is worthier than just winking out in despair.  If there was nothing there anyways, well then it's still the better for having explored it.

Is it weird that I've started thinking of the bolded question as really odd and nonsensical?
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Lord Cataplanga on November 05, 2012, 01:48:14 AM
Quote from: ZL 'Kai' Burington, M.S. on November 05, 2012, 01:33:21 AM
Quote from: Richter, Baron von on November 02, 2012, 10:49:29 PM

If we look at the  universe as devoid of gods, spirits, morality or higher purpose, just a cold wiff of spinning complications of hydrogen, then what is there to move ourselves by?  It's a lonely view.
My only cure thusfar has been momentum and focus.  I have Science!, and will carry it out as long as I can.  I will observe and learn and poke,  I will endure in this pursuit as long as I can, until my perspective is extinguished.  If there is more, then looking for it is worthier than just winking out in despair.  If there was nothing there anyways, well then it's still the better for having explored it.

Is it weird that I've started thinking of the bolded question as really odd and nonsensical?

It is an odd question. I used to have that question stuck in my brain in a shelf full of "cold case" philosophical questions.
I have since completely forgotten why I even asked that question.
I ought to throw away the whole thing, as the shelf is blocking one of the doors of my prison cell.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Elder Iptuous on November 05, 2012, 01:59:07 AM
Quote from: ZL 'Kai' Burington, M.S. on November 05, 2012, 01:33:21 AM
Quote from: Richter, Baron von on November 02, 2012, 10:49:29 PM

If we look at the  universe as devoid of gods, spirits, morality or higher purpose, just a cold wiff of spinning complications of hydrogen, then what is there to move ourselves by?  It's a lonely view.
My only cure thusfar has been momentum and focus.  I have Science!, and will carry it out as long as I can.  I will observe and learn and poke,  I will endure in this pursuit as long as I can, until my perspective is extinguished.  If there is more, then looking for it is worthier than just winking out in despair.  If there was nothing there anyways, well then it's still the better for having explored it.

Is it weird that I've started thinking of the bolded question as really odd and nonsensical?

nope... it seems odd and nonsensical to me as well. however, i think i understand how it naturally arises.
without the universal constant to orient ones self by, if not a bedrock to latch onto or push off of, the feeling of treading water seems almost inevitable.  all creatures have a limit when treading water where they simply fall to despair and stop swimming.  in the case at hand, i believe we naturally invent the needed Terra Firma, and what a feeling of salvation that must be!
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Placid Dingo on November 05, 2012, 12:55:07 PM
I'm sure its just another false dichotomy, but I've been developing a sense that people are expected to go two ways, nihilism or religion. Nihilism embraces the meaninglessness of life (sometimes wearing mascara like emo, and sometimes dressed in sequins drinking into oblivion like Kesha). Religion embraces the Great Truth, whether thats God, The Political System that will save us all or The Cause.

This ties in directly to where I see Discordia; rejecting both absolutes, building castles out of the sand of nihilism, making and embracing beautiful things, but never forgetting its all just sand and ocean, and not embracing our own illusions to the point of being surprised when a gentle wave melts them away.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Dalek on November 08, 2012, 07:11:51 PM
I have a few theories about meaning and I'm still a bit lost between them.

Theory one: Human beings, with their free will introduce negative entropy into the Universe by inputting chaos (viewing the universe as a system, where everything is cause and effect, our free will, being free can be perceived as random information). So in a way, I think it might be possible that life is the Universe's solution to entropy. I'm not really sure on the physics on this one, so if anyone has a better understanding, feel free to correct me

Theory two: I had a shroom trip that consisted of a three-hour long loop, where I would try to figure out what the meaning of existence was, reach a conclusion, then deny it as too simple and start all over again. After the first hour I felt like the thought was stuck in my head forever as it was as if every minuted, the process repeated hundreds of times. This made me really think about searching for meaning, as  it seemed as the error was even posing the question and making the error of searching for it. It reminds me of the retarded christian argument that since clocks are made by people who make clocks, the universe should have a creator, since everything is made by someone. The same way we conclude that life must have a meaning, since we're used to shit having a meaning, but this is an example of inductive reasoning (if you haven't seen any white horses it doesn't mean that white horses are non-existent).

Now that I saw the comics, posted in the comments, I think that it best describes my current approach to life's meaning. If anything I'm pretty certain there is no right way to do it, just a huge selection of options that are fun to play around with.

A nice read on the topic is Shroedinger's "What is life?". I haven't still finished it, but it looks reaally promising : ]
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 08, 2012, 11:55:30 PM
I don't know where this nihilism thing came from.  It's kind of off putting, I didn't say everything in life is meaningless, I said up until recently I've been a tube face that did nothing worthy of note.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 09, 2012, 04:59:32 PM
Here's why, Freeky:

Quote from: Dalek on November 08, 2012, 07:11:51 PM
I had a shroom trip

I had a shroom trip

I had a shroom trip


Never listen to fucking burnouts when you need help in the head department.  They're all idiots.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 09, 2012, 05:06:58 PM
Quote from: Mitt Romney's Favorite Wife on November 09, 2012, 04:59:32 PM
Here's why, Freeky:

Quote from: Dalek on November 08, 2012, 07:11:51 PM
I had a shroom trip

I had a shroom trip

I had a shroom trip
Never listen to fucking burnouts when you need help in the head department.  They're all idiots.

It isn't just dalek, though.


Anyway, here's a few more thoughts.

Good times are good, and trying to fit everything I like into a good moment ruins the moment. 
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: LMNO on November 09, 2012, 05:13:39 PM
Exactly. For example, trying to mix oral sex with whiskey tends to sting.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 09, 2012, 06:44:58 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 09, 2012, 05:13:39 PM
Exactly. For example, trying to mix oral sex with whiskey tends to sting.

Oh shit, really? Well, then. Noted.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: LMNO on November 09, 2012, 06:57:01 PM
Yeah.  You can do one, you can do the other, but I wouldn't suggest using anyone's orifice as a drinking glass.



Even if they do call it a "snifter".
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 09, 2012, 08:33:07 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 09, 2012, 06:57:01 PM
Yeah.  You can do one, you can do the other, but I wouldn't suggest using anyone's orifice as a drinking glass.



Even if they do call it a "snifter".
:lulz:
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Dalek on November 12, 2012, 04:50:18 PM
Quote from: Mitt Romney's Favorite Wife on November 09, 2012, 04:59:32 PM
Here's why, Freeky:

Quote from: Dalek on November 08, 2012, 07:11:51 PM
I had a shroom trip

I had a shroom trip

I had a shroom trip


Never listen to fucking burnouts when you need help in the head department.  They're all idiots.

Good job, making conclusions based on a single fucking sentence of my post :mind ray:
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 04:54:07 PM
Quote from: Dalek on November 12, 2012, 04:50:18 PM
Quote from: Mitt Romney's Favorite Wife on November 09, 2012, 04:59:32 PM
Here's why, Freeky:

Quote from: Dalek on November 08, 2012, 07:11:51 PM
I had a shroom trip

I had a shroom trip

I had a shroom trip


Never listen to fucking burnouts when you need help in the head department.  They're all idiots.

Good job, making conclusions based on a single fucking sentence of my post :mind ray:

Well, it sort of makes everything else suspect, you know?
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:03:47 PM
Maybe I should state my case on this one.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: LMNO on November 12, 2012, 05:07:53 PM
You have the floor, good sir.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 12, 2012, 05:07:53 PM
You have the floor, good sir.

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 12, 2012, 05:39:46 PM
If there are people I know and love that I call friend, that's a good basic start to feeling whole.

If I've known them for years, it's likely I owe them an enormous debt of one kind or another, and would happily dig my hole even deeper to shore up the tiniest cracks that appear beneath them.



I don't understand what purpose rumors and lies hold.  The only thing I can think is to purposely poison the well, so to speak, against a certain person or number of people. Even stupid ones that make no sense. Especially if the rumor monger does not know or hang out with the person in question.

But people who ought to know better believe the lies. What does that say about the person being lied about? What does that say about the person who should know better? What does that tell about their friendship or whatever? Is anything even real anymore? Is everything based on a bunch of lies designed to crush people at their most vulnerable?

I don't know.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:41:02 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 12, 2012, 05:39:46 PM
If there are people I know and love that I call friend, that's a good basic start to feeling whole.

If I've known them for years, it's likely I owe them an enormous debt of one kind or another, and would happily dig my hole even deeper to shore up the tiniest cracks that appear beneath them.



I don't understand what purpose rumors and lies hold.  The only thing I can think is to purposely poison the well, so to speak, against a certain person or number of people. Even stupid ones that make no sense. Especially if the rumor monger does not know or hang out with the person in question.

But people who ought to know better believe the lies. What does that say about the person being lied about? What does that say about the person who should know better? What does that tell about their friendship or whatever? Is anything even real anymore? Is everything based on a bunch of lies designed to crush people at their most vulnerable?

I don't know.

:?
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 12, 2012, 05:44:45 PM
Just more insufficiently deep introspection. No worries.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 12, 2012, 05:49:32 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 12, 2012, 05:07:53 PM
You have the floor, good sir.

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:51:59 PM
Quote from: CAKE on November 12, 2012, 05:49:32 PM
Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I hope so.  I like the kid.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Pope Pixie Pickle on November 12, 2012, 05:55:41 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 12, 2012, 05:07:53 PM
You have the floor, good sir.

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

Oh, god. This is why self identified stoners irritate the living shit out of me now.. I used to be all MDMA, shrooms, weed and woo. It didn't open any thing up for me really, I just spunked 10 of the best years of my life and gave myself psychosis. Now if the only political platform someone cares about is pot legalisation I give them a wide fucking berth, because these folks are boring as fuck. All they do is talk about the drugs and the trips and "oh this should be legal" are a bunch of boring self deluded pinks.

Oh, and Daalek, hon, I know you have someone with psychosis issues in your family. fucking pack all that psychedelic and weed shit in, you aren't invincible. if that's too much to ask, cut way the hell back. DO NOT eat shrooms every weekend for a fucking season, do not smoke dope all day every day for years. That way real madness lies, and it ain't fucking pretty. Some peep's brains can handle this shit on that kind of scale, but they are few and far between, and if you are anything like me, (I have family members with psychosis issues too, 2 of em other than me) you aren't built to cope with that shit.  Practice extreme moderation if anything at all.



Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 06:08:42 PM
Quote from: Pixie on November 12, 2012, 05:55:41 PM

Oh, god. This is why self identified stoners irritate the living shit out of me now.. I used to be all MDMA, shrooms, weed and woo. It didn't open any thing up for me really, I just spunked 10 of the best years of my life and gave myself psychosis. Now if the only political platform someone cares about is pot legalisation I give them a wide fucking berth, because these folks are boring as fuck. All they do is talk about the drugs and the trips and "oh this should be legal" are a bunch of boring self deluded pinks.

Yeah, when someone says that numerical phrase, "smoke every day", whatever it is, I tune out.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 06:19:11 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 12, 2012, 05:44:45 PM
Just more insufficiently deep introspection. No worries.

Um.  Okay.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 12, 2012, 06:50:48 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 12, 2012, 05:39:46 PM
If there are people I know and love that I call friend, that's a good basic start to feeling whole.

If I've known them for years, it's likely I owe them an enormous debt of one kind or another, and would happily dig my hole even deeper to shore up the tiniest cracks that appear beneath them.



I don't understand what purpose rumors and lies hold.  The only thing I can think is to purposely poison the well, so to speak, against a certain person or number of people. Even stupid ones that make no sense. Especially if the rumor monger does not know or hang out with the person in question.

But people who ought to know better believe the lies. What does that say about the person being lied about? What does that say about the person who should know better? What does that tell about their friendship or whatever? Is anything even real anymore? Is everything based on a bunch of lies designed to crush people at their most vulnerable?

I don't know.

You do realize that this sort of unspecific persecution post sounds paranoid and delusional, right?
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 12, 2012, 06:52:40 PM
I'm concerned about you, Freeky. I feel like I've been watching you go down some kind of dark spiral for the last several months, and I keep hoping you'll pull out of it but it just seems to be getting worse. I know you don't have insurance (same boat, here) but is there counseling you can get through school, maybe?
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 12, 2012, 07:15:46 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 06:19:11 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 12, 2012, 05:44:45 PM
Just more insufficiently deep introspection. No worries.

Um.  Okay.

It's not about you, if that's what you're worried about.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 12, 2012, 07:22:57 PM
Quote from: CAKE on November 12, 2012, 06:50:48 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 12, 2012, 05:39:46 PM
If there are people I know and love that I call friend, that's a good basic start to feeling whole.

If I've known them for years, it's likely I owe them an enormous debt of one kind or another, and would happily dig my hole even deeper to shore up the tiniest cracks that appear beneath them.



I don't understand what purpose rumors and lies hold.  The only thing I can think is to purposely poison the well, so to speak, against a certain person or number of people. Even stupid ones that make no sense. Especially if the rumor monger does not know or hang out with the person in question.

But people who ought to know better believe the lies. What does that say about the person being lied about? What does that say about the person who should know better? What does that tell about their friendship or whatever? Is anything even real anymore? Is everything based on a bunch of lies designed to crush people at their most vulnerable?

I don't know.

You do realize that this sort of unspecific persecution post sounds paranoid and delusional, right?

I would expect so, if I were making some sort of accusation against anyone. 
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 12, 2012, 07:33:40 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 12, 2012, 07:22:57 PM
Quote from: CAKE on November 12, 2012, 06:50:48 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 12, 2012, 05:39:46 PM
If there are people I know and love that I call friend, that's a good basic start to feeling whole.

If I've known them for years, it's likely I owe them an enormous debt of one kind or another, and would happily dig my hole even deeper to shore up the tiniest cracks that appear beneath them.



I don't understand what purpose rumors and lies hold.  The only thing I can think is to purposely poison the well, so to speak, against a certain person or number of people. Even stupid ones that make no sense. Especially if the rumor monger does not know or hang out with the person in question.

But people who ought to know better believe the lies. What does that say about the person being lied about? What does that say about the person who should know better? What does that tell about their friendship or whatever? Is anything even real anymore? Is everything based on a bunch of lies designed to crush people at their most vulnerable?

I don't know.

You do realize that this sort of unspecific persecution post sounds paranoid and delusional, right?

I would expect so, if I were making some sort of accusation against anyone.

It's not the presence or absence of an accusation, it's the whole thing. It's just a generalized and unspecific post about how you're being persecuted, and it sounds paranoid and delusional enough that it's a little scary. It seems like in general, lately, you are not doing so hot, and your posts are becoming increasingly worrisome. What is going on?
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 14, 2012, 06:20:28 AM
Shopping.  That's what's happening down here.  Shopping for lingerie, in fact, at Victoria's Secret.

I have not yet investigated whether I should feel like a heel in demanding these products, which could be made by children in sweatshops.  I don't think so, a little bit, because the prices are out fucking rageous.  So why did I leave the store with two bras at $62 and $58 respectively, and three (oops, four) pairs of underwear for what was hopefully $44 total?  Because. 

Because they feel fantastic on my skin - they use some real quality products.
Because I look fantastic in them - you'll just have to take my word on this.
Because, if only for the first five minutes I'm in them, I feel perfect.  The social perfect, that is.  These garments were made to be worn on the catwalk, on a 6'3" angry (but perfect) twig, not on some lumpy housewife who only wants to feel pretty for a night on the town.  They were made for the glass mannequin torsos adorning the stores, not the sweaty masses who have different body shapes and sizes and quirks that my society tells me is imperfect - and imperfect is worse than ugly, sometimes. 

These underthings, they fit like they were made for me, like I really was meant for the catwalk, or modelling in the magazines filled with things that are pretty.  They fit like I was perfect.

Or something.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Elder Iptuous on November 14, 2012, 02:57:03 PM
that's beautiful, Freeky.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 14, 2012, 03:42:50 PM
Thanks, Ippie.   :)
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Dalek on November 18, 2012, 06:37:52 PM
Quote from: CAKE on November 12, 2012, 05:49:32 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 12, 2012, 05:07:53 PM
You have the floor, good sir.

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.

Thanks, guys (and all the other relevant posts, that I'm lazy to quote) I had really fell into the "Drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" loop, but your posts opened me up to the amazing possibility, that "I might be wrong"  :lulz: In the last few days I've been thinking about this and the more I think, the more I see the damage and the irony. For example, I started doing mdma, thinking it would change my life positively. It did. But then I continued doing it - every trip brought mini-epiphanies about life, the universe etc. Did they improve my life? No, because all the epiphanies are worthless, when your serotonin levels are fucked and you've become emotionless and lost your sex drive and can't enjoy sobriety. Now I'm just going to go sober for a very long period, before even smoking weed again. It's fucking ironic, how you start out seeking enlightenment, but end up unable to appreciate sober life, getting high all the time, numb as fuck.


It might seem funny to you that I'm just realizing all of this, but being surrounded by stoners, and "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" people I really needed someone to call me out on this bullshit. Thanks guys, you really don't know how much these posts made me reconsider a lot of shit about my life. Love you <3
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 18, 2012, 06:58:53 PM
Quote from: Dalek on November 18, 2012, 06:37:52 PM
Quote from: CAKE on November 12, 2012, 05:49:32 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 12, 2012, 05:07:53 PM
You have the floor, good sir.

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.

Thanks, guys (and all the other relevant posts, that I'm lazy to quote) I had really fell into the "Drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" loop, but your posts opened me up to the amazing possibility, that "I might be wrong"  :lulz: In the last few days I've been thinking about this and the more I think, the more I see the damage and the irony. For example, I started doing mdma, thinking it would change my life positively. It did. But then I continued doing it - every trip brought mini-epiphanies about life, the universe etc. Did they improve my life? No, because all the epiphanies are worthless, when your serotonin levels are fucked and you've become emotionless and lost your sex drive and can't enjoy sobriety. Now I'm just going to go sober for a very long period, before even smoking weed again. It's fucking ironic, how you start out seeking enlightenment, but end up unable to appreciate sober life, getting high all the time, numb as fuck.


It might seem funny to you that I'm just realizing all of this, but being surrounded by stoners, and "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" people I really needed someone to call me out on this bullshit. Thanks guys, you really don't know how much these posts made me reconsider a lot of shit about my life. Love you <3

This is awesome! <3 I respect nothing more than the willingness to really look at yourself and accept change when it's needed. Way to go, Dalek, you are indeed a biped!
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Luna on November 18, 2012, 07:30:41 PM
What Nigel said.  Good to hear, this.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 18, 2012, 08:23:05 PM
Well done, Dalek!  <3 :awesome:
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on November 18, 2012, 09:38:06 PM
Quote from: Dalek on November 18, 2012, 06:37:52 PM
Quote from: CAKE on November 12, 2012, 05:49:32 PM

Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.

Thanks, guys (and all the other relevant posts, that I'm lazy to quote) I had really fell into the "Drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" loop, but your posts opened me up to the amazing possibility, that "I might be wrong"  :lulz: In the last few days I've been thinking about this and the more I think, the more I see the damage and the irony. For example, I started doing mdma, thinking it would change my life positively. It did. But then I continued doing it - every trip brought mini-epiphanies about life, the universe etc. Did they improve my life? No, because all the epiphanies are worthless, when your serotonin levels are fucked and you've become emotionless and lost your sex drive and can't enjoy sobriety. Now I'm just going to go sober for a very long period, before even smoking weed again. It's fucking ironic, how you start out seeking enlightenment, but end up unable to appreciate sober life, getting high all the time, numb as fuck.


It might seem funny to you that I'm just realizing all of this, but being surrounded by stoners, and "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" people I really needed someone to call me out on this bullshit. Thanks guys, you really don't know how much these posts made me reconsider a lot of shit about my life. Love you <3

PD.com is a fucking godsend for that. I started posting here when I was around 16 or 17, exactly when I needed to have my head shrunk (blowing one's own mind a few times is good; multiple times again and again just leaves you with a big mess).

I figured you had it in you to see where you were going, and to put yourself on a different track. Rock on, dude.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Lenin McCarthy on November 18, 2012, 10:53:21 PM
Awesome, Dalek!

I'm around the same age as you, and PD has been great at helping me become more aware of the uniforms I wear, the mistakes I make, helping me become a little less prone to bullshit. And without any illegal drugs involved (mostly for accessibility and social reasons).
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 19, 2012, 01:52:49 PM
Quote from: Dalek on November 18, 2012, 06:37:52 PM
Quote from: CAKE on November 12, 2012, 05:49:32 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 12, 2012, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 12, 2012, 05:07:53 PM
You have the floor, good sir.

Right, then.

Thing is, Dalek's a smart kid, and he's said a lot of smart things on the board in the past.

Problem:  EVERYTHING he posts right now is a paean to drugs.  Everything.  He has found a uniform and put it on, buttoning it up so tightly that nothing else can get out.

Don't get me wrong:  I am not anti-drug for the most part.  I know people that use one drug or another daily...But to them, it's like smoking cigarettes, something they DO, not something they become.  And what's happened to Dalek over the last few times he's been here is that he's started to treat it as a fucking RELIGION, that he just HAS to tell us about.  Everything is somehow connected to his drug experiences.

That isn't exactly new around here.  Horab, Lies, LHX (not sure what's up with him these days, seems a little more grounded), a few others.  They became mired in durgs and woo, and that was basically that.  There was nobody left to talk to, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I stopped reading his posts after I noticed the "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" soundtrack going on. I've been 15, I don't need to re-experience it through him. Maybe he'll grow out of it.

I swear, these people seem to think they're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. Or written books about. Or made albums and movies about. And they don't want to listen to anyone who's been there done that, seen it all before, because you just don't understand, man.

Thanks, guys (and all the other relevant posts, that I'm lazy to quote) I had really fell into the "Drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" loop, but your posts opened me up to the amazing possibility, that "I might be wrong"  :lulz: In the last few days I've been thinking about this and the more I think, the more I see the damage and the irony. For example, I started doing mdma, thinking it would change my life positively. It did. But then I continued doing it - every trip brought mini-epiphanies about life, the universe etc. Did they improve my life? No, because all the epiphanies are worthless, when your serotonin levels are fucked and you've become emotionless and lost your sex drive and can't enjoy sobriety. Now I'm just going to go sober for a very long period, before even smoking weed again. It's fucking ironic, how you start out seeking enlightenment, but end up unable to appreciate sober life, getting high all the time, numb as fuck.


It might seem funny to you that I'm just realizing all of this, but being surrounded by stoners, and "drugs drugs drugs enlightenment" people I really needed someone to call me out on this bullshit. Thanks guys, you really don't know how much these posts made me reconsider a lot of shit about my life. Love you <3

See?  I knew you were a smart kid.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 20, 2012, 12:24:59 PM
There are large blocks of time missing from my childhood.  Is this normal?  Am I suppressing bad memories?  What did I do, say, think?  Only a few, a very very few, remain intact.  Well, I say intact.  There are half-seconds worth, maybe a full two seconds for some particularly good memories, where I can say I did shit because I remember doing it.  Other things I only know because it was a routine thing, and yeah I did that, and I know I did, because I did it so much it's hard to forget a schedule I had for years and years.

Some years I cannot even recall at all.  Where was the location of my fifth grade classroom?  Or third?  Second?  I rememer preschool through first, remember clearly, and even a couple teachers.  Who was my best friend during those years?  It wasn't Natalie, she had started drifting away.  I can't remember anything, from such large blocks of time.

So, what happened?  I don't know.  I wish I knew. 




I still don't know what's real or fake anymore.  Is everything all in my head?  I can credit some things not being real, things being imagined and whatnot.  Is anything I think I know about anyone, including myself, even real?  Was it ever?  Do I really understand things like respect and love and friendship?  Is what I think is compassion and altruism in myself really just a series of selfish acts of fake fakery to get people to like me?

Is anything I perceive and interpret real?  not like, does anyone else exist.  No.  They exist, but how much of what I see and hear and experience is not tainted by admittedly bad wiring?  How much of anything meant anything at all?  How much was misinterpreted?  Was it everything? Most of it?  None of it?

I can't even decide what would be worse.  But not knowing drives me to distraction.  I'll never know, either. 

Oh well.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 20, 2012, 04:53:24 PM
Most people have spotty childhood memories.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 20, 2012, 04:53:59 PM
Quote from: FROTISTED FUDGE CAK on November 20, 2012, 04:53:24 PM
Most people have spotty childhood memories.

Mine's more gone than intact, before about age 12.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 20, 2012, 05:18:30 PM
We're covering memory in my psych class right now, so just yesterday I learned that having absolutely no memory before about age 7, and only really fragmented and spotty "snapshots" prior to adolescence is totally common.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on November 20, 2012, 05:20:02 PM
Quote from: FROTISTED FUDGE CAK on November 20, 2012, 05:18:30 PM
We're covering memory in my psych class right now, so just yesterday I learned that having absolutely no memory before about age 7, and only really fragmented and spotty "snapshots" prior to adolescence is totally common.

I have VERY occasional memories from age 8 down.  From 8-12 or so, it's spotty snapshots.

Even after that, to be honest.  But let's not kid ourselves...There wasn't much worth remembering for a good chunk of that time.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Sita on November 20, 2012, 05:33:15 PM
Quote from: FROTISTED FUDGE CAK on November 20, 2012, 05:18:30 PM
We're covering memory in my psych class right now, so just yesterday I learned that having absolutely no memory before about age 7, and only really fragmented and spotty "snapshots" prior to adolescence is totally common.
I must inform my parents of this the next time they are in shock that I don't remember something from when I was 5.

Most 'memories' I have from my youth are because of pictures and constant re-telling of stories.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: LMNO on November 20, 2012, 05:55:52 PM
^^^ That.  I often "remember" my childhood as if I was observing myself. 
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Elder Iptuous on November 20, 2012, 06:26:16 PM
I have had fairly vivid memories that i was told by adults present didn't happen that way at all.

there was a bit on Radio Labs discussing memory recall, and the researcher was saying that the way that we recall our memories uses the same mechanisms as forming them.  we literally overwrite our memories every time we remember them, and they can mutate based on information coming in at time of recall...  That struck me as rather profound, since memory is so integral to 'self'.

god, i can't wait to be a robot.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Dildo Argentino on November 20, 2012, 06:56:31 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 20, 2012, 12:24:59 PM
There are large blocks of time missing from my childhood.  Is this normal? 

Normal in the sense of the "norm", as in the majority experience: I think so, yes. Normal in the sense of "typical for a well-adjusted, mentally robust human being who has processed all their major psychological traumas appropriately and is hence in a near-optimal condition to have fun, Saturday Nights or whatever"? No, I don't think so.

Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 20, 2012, 12:24:59 PM
Am I suppressing bad memories? 

Quite probably.

Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 20, 2012, 12:24:59 PM
What did I do, say, think? 

Only you can figure that out. People of a great variety of persuasions will offer to help you with that, while other people will argue very persuasively that the quest for lost memories is pointless and/or actually harmful. I personally think that creating some sort of story about one's own self that has closure and that one is ultimately able to accept is a good thing. I also think that the stories that work tend to be pretty close to 'what really happened'.

Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 20, 2012, 12:24:59 PM
Only a few, a very very few, remain intact.  Well, I say intact.  There are half-seconds worth, maybe a full two seconds for some particularly good memories, where I can say I did shit because I remember doing it.  Other things I only know because it was a routine thing, and yeah I did that, and I know I did, because I did it so much it's hard to forget a schedule I had for years and years.

Some years I cannot even recall at all.  Where was the location of my fifth grade classroom?  Or third?  Second?  I rememer preschool through first, remember clearly, and even a couple teachers.  Who was my best friend during those years?  It wasn't Natalie, she had started drifting away.  I can't remember anything, from such large blocks of time.

So, what happened?  I don't know.  I wish I knew.

There might be something organically wrong with your brain. I have no idea what, but ask a neurologist, they know these things. In that case, your memories may be irretrievably lost, or they may be recoverable. Or the memories could be unavailable to your awareness because they are suppressed for some reason or another. Dozens to techniques exist to help you recover your lost childhood, your lost memories. Some are better than others, some are clearly lunatic, some are more suited to one type of person, some to another. It is quite possible to damage yourself further by digging into your own depths: if you decide to do it, you will have to be slow and careful about it, and preferably enlist reliable help.

Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 20, 2012, 12:24:59 PM
I still don't know what's real or fake anymore.  Is everything all in my head?  I can credit some things not being real, things being imagined and whatnot.  Is anything I think I know about anyone, including myself, even real?  Was it ever?  Do I really understand things like respect and love and friendship?  Is what I think is compassion and altruism in myself really just a series of selfish acts of fake fakery to get people to like me?
Is anything I perceive and interpret real?  not like, does anyone else exist.  No.  They exist, but how much of what I see and hear and experience is not tainted by admittedly bad wiring?  How much of anything meant anything at all?  How much was misinterpreted?  Was it everything? Most of it?  None of it?

I think, first of all, keep breathing.

Secondly, these terrible, gnawing questions of horrific, vertigo-inducing, head-spinning self-doubt are not uncommon. People have been known to feel like you feel when you ask yourself these questions and then to progress to a robust sense of well-being which included a clear and thorough understanding of exactly what was making them feel so miserable before, and how. You are not alone, many others have been in this predicament, most of them are not in insane asylums. You are having maybe a crisis, but it's not unheard of. Help is available, though, shamefully, in most countries it is not free.

Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 20, 2012, 12:24:59 PM
I can't even decide what would be worse.  But not knowing drives me to distraction.  I'll never know, either. 

If you mean know as in know as in KNOW, 100%, sure as death, you are right. You'll never know.

It is, however, possible to achieve a reasonable and resilient standard of certainty.

Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 20, 2012, 12:24:59 PM
Oh well.

Just another day in heaven  :)
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 21, 2012, 01:07:16 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on November 20, 2012, 05:20:02 PM
Quote from: FROTISTED FUDGE CAK on November 20, 2012, 05:18:30 PM
We're covering memory in my psych class right now, so just yesterday I learned that having absolutely no memory before about age 7, and only really fragmented and spotty "snapshots" prior to adolescence is totally common.

I have VERY occasional memories from age 8 down.  From 8-12 or so, it's spotty snapshots.

Even after that, to be honest.  But let's not kid ourselves...There wasn't much worth remembering for a good chunk of that time.

An awful lot of childhood memories get condensed into a single memory... for example, my memories of "riding bikes", which I must have done almost every day between about 8 and 18, is condensed into a few compound memories.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on November 21, 2012, 01:20:43 AM
Freeky, memory retrieval is one of those things where rarely-retrieved memories may lose their connections, so physically they're still in your brain but you can't access them at will. One way to remember them is to, rather than wonder what you don't remember, start thinking about the things you do remember, and as one thing reminds you of another, follow all those retrievals, spending some time exploring details of each one. This process creates new connections to unused memories and you can actually forge quite a lot of new connections that way, especially if you do it regularly. Another good way is to talk to someone you knew as a child and see if you can get to reminiscing. You'll remember things you totally forgot about because the memory retrieval will be triggered with a connection. A thing to avoid doing; don't ask for stories from your childhood. Many times people just end up creating false memories that way, and those are a dead-end. Better to ask people what they remember, and then let the conversation roll.

You can even do this with people you DIDN'T share a childhood with; ask them what their earliest childhood memories are and typically it will start a chain reaction with each person initially not remembering much, but as everybody reminisces, their stories will trigger other people's related childhood memories. It's really fun, usually. I can be a bit of a buzzkill when we engage in those kinds of activities, though. :lol:

Also, a good therapist can do wonders, if you have concerns about having unremembered childhood trauma, and if you think you might, be cautious around the issue of memories and back off if you hit an area that feels "icky" to you until you have a therapist, because once you start remembering stuff you tried to forget, you can't un-remember.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: AFK on November 21, 2012, 01:21:06 AM
I have very vivid memories of when I was two and three.  When I was two I remember very vividly this huge, rickety window falling and crashing down on my thumb.  When I was three, I very vividly remembering my Uncle, my father's brother, drowning in a lake.  Yep, death and pain started pretty early for me. 
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 21, 2012, 05:00:15 AM
Quote from: FROTISTED FUDGE CAK on November 21, 2012, 01:20:43 AM
Freeky, memory retrieval is one of those things where rarely-retrieved memories may lose their connections, so physically they're still in your brain but you can't access them at will. One way to remember them is to, rather than wonder what you don't remember, start thinking about the things you do remember, and as one thing reminds you of another, follow all those retrievals, spending some time exploring details of each one. This process creates new connections to unused memories and you can actually forge quite a lot of new connections that way, especially if you do it regularly. Another good way is to talk to someone you knew as a child and see if you can get to reminiscing. You'll remember things you totally forgot about because the memory retrieval will be triggered with a connection. A thing to avoid doing; don't ask for stories from your childhood. Many times people just end up creating false memories that way, and those are a dead-end. Better to ask people what they remember, and then let the conversation roll.

Don't know anyone from my childhood, anymore.  Don't even know if they're even living still.  Probably, though, we were a bunch of suburbanite kids in Kan'City, KS.

QuoteYou can even do this with people you DIDN'T share a childhood with; ask them what their earliest childhood memories are and typically it will start a chain reaction with each person initially not remembering much, but as everybody reminisces, their stories will trigger other people's related childhood memories. It's really fun, usually. I can be a bit of a buzzkill when we engage in those kinds of activities, though. :lol:

:lol:


I at least learned something about memories from this thread.  I'ma call that a win.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Luna on November 21, 2012, 12:51:43 PM
I actually made contact with my best friend from kindergarten through grade school.  (Thanks, Facebook!)

She, apparently, went on to join the Air Force, marry, have a daughter, divorce, and go all right-wing Christian conservative.

We don't actually talk, much, now.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Dildo Argentino on November 21, 2012, 01:34:54 PM
Quote from: Luna on November 21, 2012, 12:51:43 PM
I actually made contact with my best friend from kindergarten through grade school.  (Thanks, Facebook!)

She, apparently, went on to join the Air Force, marry, have a daughter, divorce, and go all right-wing Christian conservative.

We don't actually talk, much, now.

Yep, this thing (slight variations thereof) happens with depressing regularity. Not surprising though, if your parents (like mine) chose the educational establishments I attended largely on geographical grounds (being close, that is). Or any other grounds except actually sane ones.
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Freeky on November 22, 2012, 06:03:48 AM
Quote from: Luna on November 21, 2012, 12:51:43 PM
I actually made contact with my best friend from kindergarten through grade school.  (Thanks, Facebook!)

She, apparently, went on to join the Air Force, marry, have a daughter, divorce, and go all right-wing Christian conservative.

We don't actually talk, much, now.

Shit tay. :sad:
Title: Re: An insufficiently deep introspection by a capricious and mercurial 20-something.
Post by: Luna on November 22, 2012, 02:08:33 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on November 22, 2012, 06:03:48 AM
Quote from: Luna on November 21, 2012, 12:51:43 PM
I actually made contact with my best friend from kindergarten through grade school.  (Thanks, Facebook!)

She, apparently, went on to join the Air Force, marry, have a daughter, divorce, and go all right-wing Christian conservative.

We don't actually talk, much, now.

Shit tay. :sad:

Eh, she's got her life, she's happy, I suppose that's all I could wish for her.

Well, that, and having a brain that isn't infected by Fox News.