Emotional bullshit arrogant college rant

[Meunster]

I'm crying over a fucking anime again. I didn't even like it, I was only interested because it was about AI robots, which is kinda my thing right now. The first episode and it's already struck a cord with me, a deep cord. Life reflective, the kind of heart string that makes me want to fix everything.
The fucking cord I keep pretty well buried.
Behind everything I do I can somewhat see it. (that or I'm assigning meaning to some odd goal I haven't thought of yet.)
From the way I back track to dissolve blame off my self. "I was only shitpost, just pretending to be retarded, that's not actually me" I can't take that personally.
To my weird bdsm, worship, and mind break fetishes, cause mind broken people can't hate me.
To me calling all animals, not by name, but by what animal they are. I've had a bunny for a year, still only call it Rabbit. What if I get attached? Then it'll just die.
To myself hate and nihilism, I can't get attached to life, cause then I'll just die.
To the music I listen to, folk punk, self loathing, angry, and authentic. Values I like because I value honesty, and it takes some fucking balls to say just how fucked the world is.
To why I distance myself from my little sisters, they're still stuck with my mom, and they're in for being real fucked up. I can't watch what I care about get hurt.
To all my drug problems, I can't care, if I can't think.
To how I think the universe is so big that nothing in it matters, there fore I'm guilt free, but no, that's stupid. Cause the universe isn't my universe. Even if life is meaningless, my life doesn't have to be. Just need to think of the reason to give it.
To barely trying in college, cause at least I can pull the "I wasn't trying" excuse when I get a C on a test, just so my pride won't get hurt.
To, while I'm a good kid, with a future, and I'm normal as fuck, but a little goofy. I have shit relationships with my parents, because I'm afraid to get hurt, and I'm afraid to hurt them. How do people deal with knowing that the ones they are supposed to love most will die before them? You grow up knowing that the people who are the nicest to you are going to die. They'll probably do it selflessly too.

and to my fucking hobby of AI's. Me, like every fucker in this anime uses them to fill a void, nothing is better than being loved unconditionally, but humans just can't do that, all are prone to egotism, but robots they're prone to following their programming. 

I want to make some big plan to change myself, and be the best person possible.
But deliberate attempts at change are arrogant as fuck.

I like to pretend to hide this shit between words like eccentric, mad scientisty, and nihilistic, but fuck, I've just been employing the "don't think about it method" which is equally fucked to being put into a shitty world, but worse because I'm doing it to myself.

Well, that feels good to get off my chest. Tbh I don't care if you read it, simply knowing someone might is good enough.
Also don't give me your wise sage bullshit, give me a real reaction if you do read it.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Also don't give me your wise sage bullshit, give me a real reaction if you do read it.

I was gonna say something, but I guess I won't.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'm concerned that anything I might say will sound like wise sage bullshit but I'll give it a whirl anyway.

Been there, it sucks. But it's transient.

Everything dies, nothing good lasts forever. You WILL get hurt, and it will feel like the end of the world. But if you aren't vulnerable, you don't get to have any real fun at all. So love the shit out of what you've got while you've got it, and grieve the shit out of it when it ends, and do it all over again the next time the opportunity presents itself. Heartbreak probably won't actually kill you.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Heartbreak probably won't actually kill you.

Probably.  There's always that chance, though.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Heartbreak probably won't actually kill you.

Probably.  There's always that chance, though.

Well, SURE, but there's also that chance with a really fucking good curry and nobody should let that stop them.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Heartbreak probably won't actually kill you.

Probably.  There's always that chance, though.

Well, SURE, but there's also that chance with a really fucking good curry and nobody should let that stop them.

I know I don't.

In either case.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Heartbreak probably won't actually kill you.

Probably.  There's always that chance, though.

Well, SURE, but there's also that chance with a really fucking good curry and nobody should let that stop them.

I know I don't.

In either case.

DOIN IT RIGHT.

[Meunster]

Well, that was my monthly break down. Time to go back to being an asshole.

Fuck your caring bullshit.
Life is shit
We all die
So just fucking wing it. Don't stress. Don't think about it too much.
And finally, Go the fuck outside, and fucking do something.

[The Wizard Joseph]

I want to make some big plan to change myself, and be the best person possible. 
But deliberate attempts at change are arrogant as fuck   

No. Deliberate attempts to change yourself for the better may not ultimately bear fruit, but they are the only way to do so. You're smelling your own pungent, cheesy arrogance there Meunster. It's in the first line. You want to make a BIG plan and be the best person possible. I am telling you in all sincerity that the little changes can be the most important over time by far and setting your will to changing those is also easier to manage conceptually.

[Meunster]

I want to make some big plan to change myself, and be the best person possible.
But deliberate attempts at change are arrogant as fuck   

No. Deliberate attempts to change yourself for the better may not ultimately bear fruit, but they are the only way to do so. You're smelling your own pungent, cheesy arrogance there Meunster. It's in the first line. You want to make a BIG plan and be the best person possible. I am telling you in all sincerity that the little changes can be the most important over time by far and setting your will to changing those is also easier to manage conceptually.

The more littlw changes I make the more little vices I pick up.
But yeah, I getcha.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

You can choose your vices consciously, and create ways to scratch those itches that limit how much they annoy the shit out of everyone else.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well, that was my monthly break down. Time to go back to being an asshole.

Fuck your caring bullshit.
Life is shit
We all die
So just fucking wing it. Don't stress. Don't think about it too much.
And finally, Go the fuck outside, and fucking do something.

I never cared.  You do your best to make sure nobody gives a fuck, and so I oblige you.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I like caring. It always hurts at some point, but overall it seems to work out well enough that the rewards are worth the occasional hurting like a motherfucker.

[The Wizard Joseph]

Well, that was my monthly break down. Time to go back to being an asshole.

I never cared.  You do your best to make sure nobody gives a fuck, and so I oblige you.

I like caring. It always hurts at some point, but overall it seems to work out well enough that the rewards are worth the occasional hurting like a motherfucker.

You know, I'm reminded of the description of the Cherubim as detailed in an excellent RPG by SJ games called In Nomine. Their essential nature and function is to do just that, to care. A Cherub is thought to have nearly limitless capacity to pay attention to things and otherwise 'mind' them. When actually making use of their angelic 'attunement' power in the game they gain supernatural knowledge of at least the well being and location of whatever or whoever they are attuned to.

Allowing the attuned to come to harm at all usually has deleterious effects upon the Cherub, and this is generally how they Fall. Upon falling they become a form of "demon" called a Djinn by the writers of the Game. Djinn give no fucks whatsoever. They were giving no fucks WAY before it was cool. They can still attune to things and use that bond, but are usually under zero obligation and less inclination to give care in any way. The only restriction upon the Djinn is that they can not directly harm the attuned themselves.

Every now and then a Djinn will inadvertently attune exactly as a Cherub does and feel for the subject exactly as a Cherub would. Problem is that caring by choice or accident fucks them up just like willful apathy does to a Cherub, and Djinn have nowhere left to Fall to.

Now I'm unapologetically jacking his thread in the hope of a fun conversation, but it WAS Meunster that got me thinking about it. I tried to imagine some well meaning Campus Crusader in the depths of ardent intercessionary prayer beseeching YHVH to send a messenger into his wretched, wicked life and show him real Love and it's life-altaring power.

It all went downhill when I realized that it would likely be a Cherub that got sent (always SO willing to volunteer, those Cherubim) and that, as Meunster seems to be consciously unwilling to give a shit about himself, the Cherub would be pretty much in for getting slowly, squickily fucked right away. It might even make the horrible strategic mistake of assuming corporeal form and involving itself in Meunster's intricate, masturbatory "anti"-ego trip after mistaking it for his real personality. In a truly desperate attempt to shore him up, or at least shut him up for a bit, it could even disastrously decide to bed him. Months of awkward, self-degrading pity-sex that satisfied nobody and Nihilistic philosophy-wanking might even get the, by now surely unhinged and rattled, Cherub wondering what the blazes Father was REALLY UP TO.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I like caring. It always hurts at some point, but overall it seems to work out well enough that the rewards are worth the occasional hurting like a motherfucker.

Same here.  Just not about Muenster.