Re-calibrating the psyche

[Jez]

I've been knee-deep in repressed memories and PTSD for about a year now.  First there was a thing, then it turned out the thing happened a lot more than I remembered, and eventually it turned out the reason for the thing was not what I thought at all.

My whole world view has gone sideways.  I haven't the faintest idea what I am anymore.

You look at your friends and you see the smart one, and the rich one, and the ladies' man.  That isn't the whole of them, of course, but it helps you keep the people in the little boxes in your head so you have some idea how to react to them.

You keep yourself in a little box, too.  When you think of yourself, you stick adjectives on you so you think you can understand how you'll react to things.  Maybe it does not happen to everyone, or maybe they don't notice when it does, but sometimes the adjectives fall off.

Sometime it is not a big deal.  You thought you were a decent singer, but then you heard yourself on tape and realized you are not.  So you do not sing in public again.

But what happens when the your adjectives are all wrong?

It turns out that I did not spend my childhood saving the princess from the monster.  The princess was a monster.  I was not protecting her.  I was bait.  I was a nice distraction to keep the monster busy so he would not bother her.

So now all my adjectives are gone.  I do not know what box I fit in.  Worse, I do not know which box the other people put me in.

So I start over.  But I am so old.  And so tired.

I much prefer my old box.  It was safe.  Familiar.

I need to build my own box, but I have no idea how to begin.

So I sit, and hope the box will settle over me.

Or kill me.

[LMNO]

1) chapel perilous.
2) go back to the Second Circuit (feel free to ask what that means if you haven't come across the Leary/RAW model yet), and understand that you are HERE, and you are NOW. Your understanding to your narrative may have changed, but you are that same you were prior to revelation.
3) you have found your map has nothing to do with your territory. That's ok. Happens all the time. In your case it's kind of all-at-once, but it's not unusual.
4) please, please, please consider submitting this to the Bitter Tea project.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I second the request to submit it to the Bitter Tea project!

Also, wanna tell you that I've been there, I had a pretty serious crisis about two years ago and went back in for therapy and then revised my life and am headed in a completely different direction. I was terrified because I felt like I had to dismantle myself and I was afraid that I would lose my identity, but instead what happened is that I put myself back together without the bad bricks and I'm the same me, but with better structural integrity.

I have no idea how old you are but I'm getting up there myself and having a renewed me and a new direction in life has been awesome... scary, but awesome, and thrilling, and validating!

If you have bad PTSD don't do too much delving without some kind of trained support. You need to do the delving, but don't do it alone.

[Jez]

I do have a therapist, which I think is how I managed to peel away enough layers to get to this point.

I'm just having a hard time being in the world right now.  I'm vacillating between fearing that others can see I am not what I was and feeling they are laughing at me because I took so long to realize what everyone else seems to have already known.

It is all fresh wound stuff, and I will find my footing eventually.  If only this life thing came with a user's manual.

[Sita]

If only this life thing came with a user's manual.

Even if it did, most either wouldn't read it or take so long trying to figure it out as to make the manual pointless.

[Doktor Howl]

Manual would be outlawed by right-thinking Americans.

[Left]

Well...our personality is a social construct.

...So, yeah, when this crap surfaces (surprise! guess what happened to YOU! )  It tends to turn our model of self painfully inside out.
...It's necessary though.
...Kind of like reincarnating when you're still alive, you know?
...or disemboweling yourself-I've also used that metaphor.

...Things I've learned?
A lot of the pain isn't current, it's canned?  If that makes any sense.
Feeling your feelings to their depths is what allows them to change.
Grief is important.  LOTS of grief.

...Someone pointed out to me today I am probably grieving the idea that someone was coming to save me.
The end of that hope.
...Nobody will ever come to save me.
We have to save ourselves, I think.

BTW...40's right?  This stuff seems to come floating up in a very intense way between 35-45 a lot of the time. 
Not sure why, probably strong enough not to self-destruct for the first time at that age...
My friend who was going through it at 28 succeeded in offing himself back in May.
But your mileage may vary.

[Jez]

I'm not really that old.  I'm just 32.  I have this unrealistic notion that everyone who is not me had their identities all sorted by the time puberty was over.

[P3nT4gR4m]

I'm not really that old.  I'm just 32.  I have this unrealistic notion that everyone who is not me had their identities all sorted by the time puberty was over.

Not everyone, just a lot of them. I refer to those people as "the boring ones"

[The Johnny]

Well, for anyone with insight and some capacity for reflection, and a sprinkling of intellect beyond that of a mindless drone, it's a never-ending process.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Well, for anyone with insight and some capacity for reflection, and a sprinkling of intellect beyond that of a mindless drone, it's a never-ending process.

This! More than once I've referred to my entire personality as a work in progress. I've found most people don't approach being human in this way, they change but its something that happens to them, gradually, over time. A result of external influence, rather than something they do.

There's a lot of dumb fucking memes around that seem to reinforce this. "Be yourself", "leopard can't change it's spots", etc...  This is bullshit. The "you" that can't be changed is what Crowley referred to as "Hadit" - the infinitely small point. Everything else, the whole rest of the psyche, is fucking playdough.

Word of warning, tho, be careful. If you take it far enough, it's quite possible to turn yourself into the biggest asshole on the planet and that's my fucking job

[Left]

Well, for anyone with insight and some capacity for reflection, and a sprinkling of intellect beyond that of a mindless drone, it's a never-ending process.

This! More than once I've referred to my entire personality as a work in progress. I've found most people don't approach being human in this way, they change but its something that happens to them, gradually, over time. A result of external influence, rather than something they do.

There's a lot of dumb fucking memes around that seem to reinforce this. "Be yourself", "leopard can't change it's spots", etc...  This is bullshit. The "you" that can't be changed is what Crowley referred to as "Hadit" - the infinitely small point. Everything else, the whole rest of the psyche, is fucking playdough.

Word of warning, tho, be careful. If you take it far enough, it's quite possible to turn yourself into the biggest asshole on the planet and that's my fucking job

Spot on, both of you...though I'd add that it;s not easy to change ingrained habits...well, at first.

[P3nT4gR4m]

There's also potential to cause hilarious amounts of damage. Imagine you're not working with a head but a car. What happens to engine performance and ride comfort if you connect the fuel line to the battery terminals?

Out of the box, the human mind is a fucked up mish-mash of circuitry but it kinda works. Sometimes things that seem like obvious improvements will have a cascade effect on areas that don't even seem related and cause anything from strange side-effects to total meltdown.

So have fun but be careful. Having a professional on-call is probably a good idea.

[GrannySmith]

...Nobody will ever come to save me.
We have to save ourselves, I think.

i second that - we can be helped but we have to save ourselves. And exactly this:

Well, for anyone with insight and some capacity for reflection, and a sprinkling of intellect beyond that of a mindless drone, it's a never-ending process.

This! More than once I've referred to my entire personality as a work in progress. I've found most people don't approach being human in this way, they change but its something that happens to them, gradually, over time. A result of external influence, rather than something they do.

There's a lot of dumb fucking memes around that seem to reinforce this. "Be yourself", "leopard can't change it's spots", etc...  This is bullshit. The "you" that can't be changed is what Crowley referred to as "Hadit" - the infinitely small point. Everything else, the whole rest of the psyche, is fucking playdough.

Word of warning, tho, be careful. If you take it far enough, it's quite possible to turn yourself into the biggest asshole on the planet and that's my fucking job

i have the impression, or i like to have the impression, that pd has helped to save me when i needed. or did it confirm what i thought i have to do to save me? Laugh at myself, and don't take the world so seriously.

Then again, i haven't had any serious traumas, so what do i know. i still have lots of missing memories and missing periods in my life. was that just a boring time or am i in for some not so fun time? i'll find out i guess. or not.

All the best for you Jez, and i'm sorry i haven't got good advice to give, but this internet "i hear you"..

[Jez]

You've all been very helpful.  I realize I have a rare opportunity to decide who I am while shredding the baggage of who I was.