Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)

Started by Cainad (dec.), November 18, 2008, 03:55:20 PM

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Cramulus

#75
July 14, 2009, 07:33:54 PM
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf, can I thee her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

AFK

#76
July 14, 2009, 07:39:13 PM
 :lulz:
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

Iason Ouabache

#78
November 11, 2009, 02:12:59 AM Last Edit: November 11, 2009, 02:23:20 AM by Iason Ouabache
You cannot fathom the immensity of the fuck i do not give.
    \
┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘

Suu

#79
November 11, 2009, 05:01:50 AM
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

Richter

#80
November 12, 2009, 02:48:53 PM
A TRUE STORY

The baseball legend Mickey Mantle was an avid hunter.  During off season he and his agent would often take off to blow away hapless wildlife. 
One day, they're driving around the country in upstate NY, and see a farm with a good bit of land they'd like to hunt on.  The agent goes up to the farmhouse, and asks the farmer's permission for them to hunt on their land. 

"By all means," say the farmer, "but I'd like you to do me a favor.  My old mule is really past it, needs to be put down.  I don't have the heart to do it myself, so would you mind doing it for me?"

The agent agrees, and goes back to the truck to get his gun to euthanize the animal.  On the way he decides to have some fun with Mickey.

"So what'd he say?", Mickey asks.

"Bastard says we can't hunt on his land!  I'm going to shoot his mule!" the agent proclaims.

So he gets his gun and makes a show of storming off behind the barn, where he shoots the mule and walks back towards the truck. 
As he's giggling over how surprised Mickey will be, he notices the truck is empty.  Then he hears two more shots echo out from across the field, and Mickey comes running back, grinning like an idiot.

"Let's go!" he cries, "I just got two of the cocksucker's cows too!" 
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

LMNO

#81
December 03, 2009, 06:18:55 PM
A travelling salesman is making the rounds in a new neighborhood.

He knocks on the door of one house, and when the door opens he is surprised to see a 12-year-old kid standing there, with a glass of scotch in one hand, and a cigar in the other.


"Excuse me son," he says.  "Are your parents home?"



The kid takes a long look at him, and then says, "What the fuck do you think?"

Da6s

#82
December 03, 2009, 07:43:26 PM
You know why jesus died on the cross right? He forgot the safeword.
We appear to be doomed by our DNA to repeat the same destructive behaviors our forebears have repeated for millenia. If anything our problem solving skills have actually diminished with the advent of technology & our ubiquitous modern conveniences. & yet despite our predisposition towards fear-driven hostility; towards what we anachronistically term primitive behavior another instinct is just as firmly encoded in our make-up. We are capable as our ancestors were of incredible breathtaking acts of kindness. Every hour of every day a man risks his life at a moments notice to save another. Forget for a moment the belligerent benevolent billionaires who grant the unfortunate a crumb of costfree cake. I speak of pure acts of selflessness. A Mother who rushes into the street to save a child from a speeding vehicle. A person who runs into a burning building to reach a family trapped on the upper story. Such actions,such moments,such unconscious selfless decisions,define what it is to be human

LMNO

#83
December 03, 2009, 07:56:09 PM
And old married Chinese couple are celebrating their 50th anniversary, and the wife wants to surprise her husband.  She says, "Darling, is there any fantasy you've ever had that we haven't done yet?"

The husband looks bashful and says, "Well, if there's one thing..."

"Yes?" she replies.

"Well, I would really love a sixty-nine with you."



She looks confused.  "At a time like this, you want Beef with Broccoli?"

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#84
December 03, 2009, 08:01:53 PM
Quote from: LMNO on December 03, 2009, 07:56:09 PM
And old married Chinese couple are celebrating their 50th anniversary, and the wife wants to surprise her husband.  She says, "Darling, is there any fantasy you've ever had that we haven't done yet?"

The husband looks bashful and says, "Well, if there's one thing..."

"Yes?" she replies.

"Well, I would really love a sixty-nine with you."



She looks confused.  "At a time like this, you want Beef with Broccoli?"

:lulz:  :argh!:
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Cainad (dec.)

#85
December 24, 2009, 02:59:51 AM
Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?


A: In his sleevies.

NotPublished

#86
December 24, 2009, 03:04:37 AM
Hear about the blind skunk... who tried to rape a fart?
In Soviet Russia, sins died for Jesus.

Cainad (dec.)

#87
December 24, 2009, 03:18:27 AM Last Edit: December 24, 2009, 03:25:53 AM by Cainad
Q: Why do businessmen carry umbrellas?
A: Because umbrellas can't walk.


Q: Why did Humpty-Dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for a bad summer.

NotPublished

#88
December 24, 2009, 03:21:59 AM
Why don't Greeks need to wear life preservers? Because oil floats.

In Soviet Russia, sins died for Jesus.

Salty

#89
December 24, 2009, 03:26:12 AM
-What happens when you squish a little grape?

-It makes a little whine.


-What's the best thing about a hippie drumming circle?

-Nothing.



The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.
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