Gaining Faith

[Salty]

As a devout, empassioned Apathetic Agnostic the notion of faith comes hard to me. I feel very strongly about the fact that we just don't know. None of us, none of us knows a damned thing about GAWD. All we have is shadows. And I would gladly tell THAT on the mountain. I would gladly spend the rest of my life preaching the Good Word of Hopeless Loss and Confusion.

But I don't because, well, we don't want agnostism to be confused with anything like evangelcial ANYTHING, atheism perhaps least of all.

Still, there is so much inside me that wants to scream: YOU DON'T KNOW, MOTHERFUCKERS, YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FUCK.

Thus the concept of faith, of acceptance of fact without proof, is detestable to me. It makes my stomach churn.  So, it is with trepidation that I admit I have begun to accept things without facts to back them up.

I have begun BELIEVING in things. This, to my mind, is always a dangerous endeavour. But, I have no choice. Well, I do, but one of those choices is unacceptable. I am left with one way to go, one path to take.

Without proof, without evidence, that beating, pulsing source of information, I must accept that it's not ALL my fault and I am not the monster others would have me be. I refuse to be a construct of other people's tepid, rotted minds.

I like to say, and say more and more often:
Pride comes before the wall, but confidence take you through THE WALL.

But where in the hell does confidence come from?

Mostly from the positive reactions your actions create in others. But that is a poor source for confidence. People are fickle fucks. You can't trust them.

What can you trust?

I don't know, I think that's where the faith part comes in.

You see, I do not attribute much weight to the opinion about my own self to any one person. That seems a dangerous route to go. People, such as they are, can think of me as EVIL or a GOOD MAN or A FAGGY PIECE OF SHIT WHO WHOULD STICK A SHOTGUN IN HIS MOUTH. People have seen me as all these things and more, and less. Who do I trust? The people that make me FEEL better?

Who or what makes their opinions matter more than those who make me feel like shit? Who is RIGHT?

I don't know and I don't care, apathetic agnositc till I die, yo.

All I do know is that a human can't live their life in such a way that does not give glory to the small and insignificant and powerful truth of that life. It is a precious thing, and each unique. This exhilerates and depresses and gratifies me. I can't tell which is stronger. I can say though, with some certainty, that I don't need a reason to believe, anymore than I need to believe.

[rong]

I think developing faith or believing in something is ok as long as you remember that whatever you chose to believe in is a choice that you made.

i have chosen to believe in certain things because my psyche can't cope with the alternative.  i realize that it is a choice and that the beliefs may be false.

i think it also has something to do with accepting one's own fallibility

[P3nT4gR4m]

My delicate, ethereal ego, responds to input. Things make it feel good, things make it feel bad. These inputs may arrive externally or they may be driven from within by the ego itself. It prefers to feel good so it processes inputs based around this primary desire. Filtering and managing the negative and positive feeling inputs in such a way as to facilitate feeling good.

I do not believe or have faith in the notion that feeling good is more important or valid than feeling bad. I don't know if either or neither is more important than the other. The choice is available to me. I make it. This requires neither faith nor belief insofar as I can tell. It's simply my cognitive response to that which is apparent.