No shit, there I was.

[Luna]

No shit, there I was.

That's how all the best stories start out, really. 

No, shit, there I was, at Pennsic.  If you're not in the SCA, you don't understand.  It's Mecca, it's The Big One.  For a lot of SCAdians, Pennsic is home, it's a week or two of being where you WANT to be, where you'd live year-round if you could.  It wasn't my first Pennsic, but it was in the first few. 

It's amazing.  Thousands of people, all there to have a good time.  Walk down one of the roads, strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, and it's all good.  Hear music you like being sung in a camp?  Stop at the gate, listen, and it's pretty usual to get invited in, offered a chair and a beer, and join the party.  It's camping with thousands of your closest friends, including a ton you just haven't met yet.  I'd say there's noplace in the world like it.  There might be, somewhere, but I don't know where it is.  Smaller events, sure, but nothing on this scale.

So, there I was.

It was late one night, nothing special.  The rest of the camp had started to wander off to bed.  My fiance was fast asleep.  I just wasn't tired, yet.  Decided to take a walk down around the lake, watch the stars.  It was a beautiful night.  The Perseid meteor showers were still going on, the sky was crystal clear, and, down around the lake, there wasn't much light pollution at all, you could see forever.

Most of the parties had already wound down.  Maybe the field battle was the next day, I don't remember, really, I just remember how quiet it was, how peaceful, how beautiful.

He had a knife.  I never even saw him coming.

I'd never be able to identify him.  It was dark, it happened...  It happened so fast, but like it was in slow motion, all at the same time. 

All I could think of while I walked back to camp was, how do I tell him?  How do you tell your fiance that something like that had happened?  How do you talk about it at all?  How do you deal with the questions, not just the ones that get asked, but the ones that don't?

It's easier if you don't, you think.  Just take what happened, shove it down into a box, lock it up, and never think about it again.

Sounds easy, doesn't it?

It's not.

Not when you flinch for years when you're touched when you're not expecting it.  Not when even the idea of any kind of intimate contact makes you think back to what happened. 

That was the worst part, you know.

The worst part was not being able to tell him...  And he never asked.

I know I changed, after that.  Who wouldn't?  But he never asked why, never asked what happened.  Never asked why I wouldn't leave camp alone, after that, not even in broad daylight.  Never asked why I stopped wanting to go down by the lake.

We didn't last much longer, after that.  I doubt he ever understood why.

Am I over it, now?  You tell me.

This is the first time I've given anybody this many details, right here.  I've told the women I camp with to be careful, that they shouldn't leave camp alone, I've made sure of it when I could.  I've told a few friends more details, but not many.

What kind of fucked up world is it that people can be hurt like that, and, no matter how it happened, they feel like they can't talk about it?

Fuck you, world.

[Captain Utopia]

I don't know what to say, probably because I lack the words to express how awful it is, but I am glad you have the strength to talk about it now.

At the risk of sounding trite (I don't think my minor discomfort should get in the way) I'm sorry you had to experience that.  I can't imagine...

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

It sucks. It's a horrible thing to live through. And the 'healing' process is often every bit as horrible as the thing itself. Let it out, let it go - as much as you can, and live on.

[Luna]

It was a long time ago.  I've dealt with a lot of the shit on my own, I've dumped bits of it on friends, and I've realized...  the worst part is not being able to talk about it.  You lock up about one thing, and you don't talk about other stuff.  It all gets jammed up.

Time to be rid of it.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

It was a long time ago.  I've dealt with a lot of the shit on my own, I've dumped bits of it on friends, and I've realized...  the worst part is not being able to talk about it.  You lock up about one thing, and you don't talk about other stuff.  It all gets jammed up.

Time to be rid of it.

What is it that you guys say? "This is the correct motorcycle."

[President Television]

EDIT: I think it's wiser to delete this post.

[Luna]

There's no magic wand to make it go away.  It happened.  I got through it without losing any body parts.  Was it awful?  Absolutely.

Was it the worst thing in the world?  Hell, no.

I get that, I do.  It could have gone worse.  Hell, I've read things here on this board that I'd rather go through that again than have to see.  And it happened when I was 21, not younger.  I've worked with kids who've had the same thing happen to them, and worse.  I'm not as screwed up as it left them.

The thing that haunts me is that the son of a bitch is still out there, somewhere.  I know I couldn't identify him, couldn't today, couldn't then, and going to the cops would have been pretty damn useless...  But it haunts me that he's probably done it again.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Have you tried RAINN's online anonymous support?

[Luna]

Have you tried RAINN's online anonymous support?

No...  When it happened, that sort of thing wasn't available.  (Hell, there wasn't hardly an internet back then.) 

I think about it, now and then, just never did it.

And now...  I'd feel nuts calling to talk about something that happened so long ago.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

You can do it via secure chat now.

Why would you feel nuts? It had a serious impact on your life. People talk about their weddings and birthdays and the birth of their children, the death of their parents for years on end. Good things and bad things leave marks on us that last years if not our whole lives. Just because this was something horrible doesn't mean you don't have the right to talk about it if you want to. You say the world is a fucked up place, was when it happened. You had fewer options to discuss it in a way that allowed you to feel safe doing so.

The world has changed just a little bit in that there are more options. You talking about this won't make someone else hurt you or leave you exposed in an unsafe position. If you want to talk you can. If you don't, that's cool too. No need to feel nuts either way. Whatever helps you.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Sorry if I over-stepped, Luna.

[Luna]

No worries, you didn't overstep.  Went to bed, is all.

I'll think about it.

[Jenne]

You're very brave for opening up about this, Luna.  I've been molested, and didn't follow-through on prosecution (I was 12, it was a very public scene, and I just shoved it down and forgot about it, literally, for 4 years while being afraid of every grown male in my life).  I keep wondering how much of what I went through in that instant of time has shaped who I am today.  I'm thinking quite a bit more than I'd care to admit.

[Luna]

If those of us who've been through it don't open up, nobody will.

For fuck's sake, people who are mugged don't have to feel ashamed it happened.  They don't get asked if they were wearing expensive clothes, what WERE they doing in that part of town that late at night, and didn't they KNOW better than to wave their wallet around to pay the cab driver?

Tangent, because it happened just now while I'm sitting here at lunch.  Why do people think it's okay to fling around the word like it means less than it does?  The Red Sox did NOT get raped last week, they lost.  I assure you, none of them will be looking back at the game in a decade and shuddering.

Language is important, fuckwit, use it right.  Don't water down words.

[Luna]

You're very brave for opening up about this, Luna.  I've been molested, and didn't follow-through on prosecution (I was 12, it was a very public scene, and I just shoved it down and forgot about it, literally, for 4 years while being afraid of every grown male in my life).  I keep wondering how much of what I went through in that instant of time has shaped who I am today.  I'm thinking quite a bit more than I'd care to admit.

Keep thinking, but remember, it was NEVER your fault.  And that they're not all bad.