Golden Apple Door Knocker

[Disco Pickle]

Hey you spag fuckers

Almost put this in my metal shop thread but since It's not (yet) made out of any metal..

I've had far too much free time at work this week and figured I'd use it to do something other than argue with you spags.  I've been kicking this idea around in my head for a golden apple door knocker.  Made in 3 pieces, the base secures to your front door using (5) 1" countersunk wood screws.  The Knocker device is then placed in notches in the side of the apple and the apple is snapped into place in the base.

Here's what I have so far:





I'm having a bit of trouble with the knocker itself.  I had envisioned it looking at rest like a naked guy with his arms out, hugging the apple.  Where his hands ended the bar for the knocker would continue on around the apple to fit into the grooves in the apple and base.

When you knock the knocker, his penis comes out of the apple, where it was fitted into a little hole.  

So the knocking of the knocker makes him fuck the golden apple.

Yeah, a little vulgar for people with children, but fuck it.

I'm stuck on the apple fucker idea at the moment but this program is a bitch to use to model odd shapes like a human body so I haven't committed the time yet.

The files I've created have the ability to be fed into any CAM machine and with a little direction be milled out of whatever material available.  They could also be fed into a 3D printer and built through additive manufacturing.

Any of you spags have other ideas for a decent knocker design?  Maybe one that doesn't include a penis?  I'm partial to the penis idea but willing to consider alternatives.

[ETA] And I haven't quite worked out the method for the apple to attach itself to the base.  I'm leaning heavily towards it being made so that once you snap that it in place, it's there forever.

You move and want to take it with you?  Fuck you, you're going to have to take the fucking door off the hinges and pack it up.

This is Discordia.  It's not a religion of convenience.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

That seems it could  be rather nice, really.

[Luna]

Maybe rig it so the apple is on the hinge and is the knocker, instead?

[Disco Pickle]

That seems it could  be rather nice, really.

I thought so.  I'll send over the drawing plans when I'm done if you think you might feel like being crafty.  Was thinking about doing one in clay to make sure I have the proportions right and it's not too big.

Maybe rig it so the apple is on the hinge and is the knocker, instead?

My problem with that would be the difficulty of gripping the apple and it's weight.  You don't want a heavy knocker, it's unnecessary.  I gave it some thought last night and came up with a stylized "K" in the middle of the swing arm that comes to rest on a small protrusion from the face of the apple.  When it's at rest the "K" faces out and is parallel to the door plane.

It'll be a lot easier to do that one so I'll find some time today and add it in.

[Luna]

Nice. 

As I am in a 3rd floor apartment, a door knocker is silly.  I have found, however, I may need to consider how to rig up a doorbell.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I just keep dogs. I can hear them barking even if I'm sleeping or in the shower. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Dogs are awesome.

I also like a good knocker, so I can tell the difference between a lurker and someone who is trying to get my attention at the door. I have a knocker, but I can't hear it from my office so I also have a bell. Amusingly, the ex who actually used to live in this house with me and should know you cannot hear the knocker from the back of the house refuses to use the bell.

[LMNO]

Dogs are awesome.

I also like good knockers,

How I read it.  Of course.

[Luna]

Both the kids on the first floor and my landlord on the second have dogs.

Little, yappy, ugly critters.  I have considered making slippers.  Richter threatened to eat the one from the first floor, in earshot of the owner.

I like dogs...  These are noisy rodents.

[Cat-Detector Van]

Nice knockers, man.
I'd buy one. No wait, I'll take two!

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I've been thinking of buying a twist doorbell reproduction at some point. I don't really need one, I just like them.

[Disco Pickle]

I've been gratefully swamped with new projects since I left off on this.  I'll try and work in at least one final version on a lunch break next week.

If anyone is interested in the plan drawings and models (universal formats importable into freeware like Sketchup) let me know.

[trix]

I wouldn't mind a copy of the model.

Not for like, anything useful.  I'm learning AutoCAD and Inventor in my engineering class and I wouldn't mind having an apple model to play with.

if that's okay with you, you can blast it over to thettrix at gmail.

Thanks!

Also, I like the idea!  I personally wouldn't get away with having a dude fucking an apple on my door (rented place) but I'd probably do it anyway just to troll anyone that stops over.

Of course, my landlord doesn't need any excuses to jack my security deposit, so I dunno.

[Disco Pickle]

It's on my computer at work, I'll send it over Monday.

[trix]

It's on my computer at work, I'll send it over Monday.

Sweet!  Thank you!