I watched my mother die about a month ago.  She died of lung cancer, and it would be nice to say she died in her sleep but actually she lapsed into a coma from lack of oxygen.  Her last conscious hours were filled with the terror and misery of slow suffocation.  Her breath was the long slow struggle of a coffee pot at full gargle.  For 24 hours.  Finally her breaths became fainter and fainter, and then, almost imperceptibly, she didn't breathe at all.
So I've been thinking a lot about death lately.
Actually I want to die.  Sometimes I want it so bad I can taste it.  I don't want to have to wait for the inevitable, miserable end.  I don't want advanced warning.  I don't want to spend my last hours knowing I'm going to die but fighting against it anyway.  I want my death to be sudden, violent, and unexpected.
I'm not actually suicidal, though.  Sure, my life is shit, but if that were a good reason to die it'd be Earth, Population 200.  So when I drive to work I ponder what'd happen if the semi next to me blew a tire but I don't try to help it along.
...
When I arrived at work tonight I arrived at chaos.  It seems the Bigwig, the Founder himself, was coming to visit.  As I've mentioned before, I work inventory in the distribution center for a well-known contact lens distribution company (which you've probably heard of).  On a normal night I spend four hours standing around counting things.  Not the most exciting job ever, but at least I don't have to deal with The Public.  But this was not a normal night.  Tonight I arrived and was told I was going to...dust. 
Those who have been in warehouses have already let out a peal of laughter.  Dusting a warehouse is like icing a shit cake.  I was given a rag that had clearly been used to dust the warehouse the last time it happened (maybe a decade ago), and I set about smearing the grime around.
It's really a pointless job.  There's only so much you can do with full shelves.  And really, how long was this guy going to be there?  Maybe 15 minutes walkthrough.  I imagined him, a faceless Donald Trump with a pair of white gloves.  He wipes it across a shelf, frowns at the result, and announces, "You're fired.  You're all fired!" 
In the grand scheme of things, a bit of dust really doesn't matter.  But in the grand scheme of things, nothing matters really.  Everyone with eyes can see that human civilisation is going to shit.  Either God or Mother Nature or North Korea is going to bomb the everliving fuck out of us and we'll all go down in the savagery and chaos of anarchy. 
Now some of you might be getting visions of Mad Max dancing about in his head.  I say, fuck that shit.  I hate camping with the passion normally reserved for homofags and dirty hippies; no way in fuck am I going to live the rest of my life without water or electricity.  Also, I am nearly blind and would have to survive on my shitty, shitty glasses after my contacts tore to shreds on my eyes.  But I probably wouldn't survive that long, because people like me are subject to rape and pillage.  I have a vagina; ergo I am commodity. 
No, I have no illusions about the dystopian future.  When armageddon comes, I'll finally have a good excuse to kill myself.  Then I'll eat every narcotic I own and take one final, hot bath (heres to optimism).
Or motherfucking kill me. 
RBG,
had to say it.
Look on the bright side.
Um, yeah, even those who ignore death feel a hard-shit compassion for mortality. I only read a few paragraphs of your blog, but know how you feel about death. My philosophy is to live a good life while it's here, or just not care. It's good to make friends with the Reaper, because he might be the last friend you'll ever have. :emo:
O.K. I took the time to read the whole blog, and uh, yeah, cheer up, we'll all be dead soon. As for the future, don't worry about it. We'll just invent a vacuum gone mad and destroy the universe eventually anyways.
There are moments that make life worth wile, they are few and usually spaced far apart, but they cut through the apathy, I have always lacked a reason to live, but moreover I never had enough reason to want to die.
Its hard to be completely discontented with life, and people telling you to cheer up does nothing but pain dulls with time.
It is possible to have fun even if it feels meaningless, its the most important thing to anyone in the world.
I'm sorry for your loss :oops:
Quote from: faust on November 03, 2006, 09:32:46 AM
I'm sorry for your loss :oops:
I meant to say that too. My mom died a few years back and it shocked the shit out of me how much I actually cared. The pain will go away but, by the time it does, you'll prolly have forgotten me telling you that.
I think I know, in a way, what you mean. I haven't had the same sort of loss and wont pretend to know what it feels like...but since 7/7, I have changed and not for the better. For the last few months as my relationship fell totally apart, I was pretty similar. At least I had something and someone to lash out against, as stupid as it finally turned out to be. I was on a death trip and while I wouldn't go out of my way to court it, an end was welcome. I got roaringly drunk (one reason I rarely drink now), picked fights with total strangers, became intensely anstosocial and a complete asshole. There was the vague expectation that one day, someone would finally finish me off, because I chose the wrong person to mess with. But it never happened.
Eventually, I just felt hollow. My actions were not doing anything. Why? I don't know. If I did, it would be of much help to me. I know justice wont be done, that I wont have the satisfaction of revenge and I wont get her back, nor will she be the same person she once was ever again. Perhaps its just my eminent rationality coming to the fore again. If you want to teach a lesson, the respective roles of student and teacher must be understood. With me, they are not and so nothing good can come of what I want to do, no matter how badly I can taste it.
So I survive, from day to day. I built myself something of a new life, which is quite good, though not as much as the old days, 2 years or so ago. I can live with it, because there are still things I want to do, I want to see and hear and experience. But of course, I'm kidding myself. The real thing, the ultimate reason, is that one day the position may come in which the role of teacher and student will be understood and a very brutal lesson will be taught. Such an ending as you envisage is the ultimate opportunity.
Badger, I didn't want to bring up your mom before you did. Of course, mere words don't really help, but that's really awful, and I feel for you. If you were the sort of person that it would help, I'd give you a hug, but I have a feeling you're not that kind of person.
Oh, what's a "homofag", and why do you hate them? I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean what I think it means.
LMNO
-condolences.
Quote from: LMNO on November 03, 2006, 01:26:10 PMIf you were the sort of person that it would help, I'd give you a hug, but I have a feeling you're not that kind of person.
What he said. And honestly, even if you were normally that kind of person, I suspect it wouldn't help in this case. My best friend lost her mom about ten years ago, and when she has fits of missing her, about the only thing that helps is letting her hurt for a while, and then just being available once she's ready for it.
I'll not make the smarmy and empty promise that I would be similarly available for you - mere logistics put the lie to those words. But I'll hope that you do have people in your life who will be available once you're ready for it.
people are dying for wrong reasons these days
we dont have the option to be 'mature' and 'accept' this situation
when things arent right, they get corrected
(not mahdgjickqually, either)
be angry RBG
your writing is sharp and clear and your honesty makes people want to give you support
trying to figure out a way not to be frustrated at the situation would be the same as killing yourself anyway
much respect
Quote from: Rabid Badger of God on November 03, 2006, 07:37:17 AM
I watched my mother die about a month ago. 
So I've been thinking a lot about death lately.
Actually I want to die.  Sometimes I want it so bad I can taste it.  I don't want to have to wait for the inevitable, miserable end.  I don't want advanced warning.  I don't want to spend my last hours knowing I'm going to die but fighting against it anyway.  I want my death to be sudden, violent, and unexpected.
sorry
when i hear stuff like this I never know what to say
or what to do...
I've known, maybe not many, but enough ppl who died... some who did it themselves
some I feel really responsible for, even if im not...
we've all been there
you live long enough you get to that point..
im sorry
try not to let anything defeat you
This rant wasn't about getting sympathy, though I appreciate it. I guess the end wasn't as forceful as the beginning. I was trying to ask, what would you do if the end times came nigh? I already said what I'd do.
Quote from: LMNO on November 03, 2006, 01:26:10 PM
Oh, what's a "homofag", and why do you hate them?  I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean what I think it means.
Actually it does. You know Fred Phelps? The kind of burning rage he expresses over any sort of anything relating to homosexuality? That's how I feel about camping. I'd have gotten rid of all the camping gear in my garage but it's illegal to burn that much stuff in the city, and fuck if I'm going to go to the Great Outdoors to trash it properly.
Oh... you hate camping with a passion OTHER people feel for homofags...
Sorry. Reading comprehension, for the loss.
I have to say, I did kinda wonder in the same way as LMNO. I'm glad that was cleared up. As for what I'll do...well, you saw my reply.
Personally I'm looking forward to the adventure. My idea of a holiday IS sticking a tent in a kayak and fucking off to some remote island, as far away from the robot sheep as I can possibly get. There's something about having to hunt your own food that puts the supermarket shrink wrap trough in perspective. Creature comforts are nice and all that but the things you own start to own you.
Not much comfort for those who can't fend for themselves I guess but at least I get to gloat :-D
i just want some rest
When death takes me Im going to rip his balls off
Ill take him with me - the fucker
I'm sorry for your loss.
I haven't had a similar expirience happen to me, but I think I know that your feeling. We've all had times where are lives are at a low, and I'm no different. In hindsight, however, I realize that when I was at my lowest, the thing I thought most about was how depressed I was or how life didn't really matter. It gets to the point where that's all that's on your mind, how shitty everything is. I chose ways to try to stop it, drugs mostly, but it only made it worse.
The only advice I can give is to do anything at all to get your mind off it, play sports, read a book, anything especially physical helps the most.
When the end comes, do you know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna try to ignore it as much as possible. Mabey not completely though. I may have to do a dozen or so "drive-by spankings." You know when your sitting outside and a REALLY, really hot girl walks by and all you can think is "Damnnnnn...." I'm just gonna get my ass off that bench, run/sneak up behind her, spank her, and run away. This may only happen once or twice, but it'll most likly happen thousands of times in the few hours before the end. I apologize to all females on these as this is a very sexist and offensive thing to do, but don't worry, I'll be as romantic and sensitive about it as I can :-D.
Quote from: Rabid Badger of God on November 03, 2006, 08:45:55 PM
This rant wasn't about getting sympathy, though I appreciate it.  I guess the end wasn't as forceful as the beginning.  I was trying to ask, what would you do if the end times came nigh?  I already said what I'd do.
Im a worrywort :-(
Quote from: Rabid Badger of God on November 03, 2006, 08:45:55 PM
This rant wasn't about getting sympathy, though I appreciate it.  I guess the end wasn't as forceful as the beginning.  I was trying to ask, what would you do if the end times came nigh?  I already said what I'd do.
I'd start doing all the things I wanted to but didn't because of consequences.
I don't know you very well, RBG, but I, too, am sorry for your loss. Hopelessness grabs me by the throat a lot. I just took a 12-hour roundtrip to see my dad at a prison the cons dub as "Camp Snoopy." I'd like to pretend taking my 6 and 8 year old to see their grampa in prison is what makes me crave "the end of all ends," but I was pretty fucking suicidal before that.
I'm babbling now, but really, if it weren't for my two kids, I probably would be either on drugs in a mental facility or dead. I've fantasized about offing myself way too often for my own good.
If the endtimes come...I'll go down dancing. I'll try to celebrate what I already have and haven't appreciated enough. I think that's one thing that hits home when I have to drive away, leaving my dad rotting. That I don't appreciate the air I breathe in "freedom" enough...and neither did he before he got into that place.
Quote from: Felix Mackay on November 05, 2006, 06:53:19 PM
Quote from: Rabid Badger of God on November 03, 2006, 08:45:55 PM
This rant wasn't about getting sympathy, though I appreciate it. I guess the end wasn't as forceful as the beginning. I was trying to ask, what would you do if the end times came nigh? I already said what I'd do.
I'd start doing all the things I wanted to but didn't because of consequences.
It strikes me, Felix, that you could still do this now, you know. Maybe not in larger scales but on small scales, at least...
Quote from: Jenne on November 05, 2006, 09:48:11 PM
Quote from: Felix Mackay on November 05, 2006, 06:53:19 PM
Quote from: Rabid Badger of God on November 03, 2006, 08:45:55 PM
This rant wasn't about getting sympathy, though I appreciate it. I guess the end wasn't as forceful as the beginning. I was trying to ask, what would you do if the end times came nigh? I already said what I'd do.
I'd start doing all the things I wanted to but didn't because of consequences.
It strikes me, Felix, that you could still do this now, you know. Maybe not in larger scales but on small scales, at least...
Live every minute of every day as if it were your last. One of them will be but I'm not saying which.
You don't know what kinds of things I was talking about. Nor would I tell you.
S'a secret. :-)
The real tragedy would be if Har Megido never came.