Counting The Stars

[deet]

It was a boring day. It's fall, the house is a bit cold, the fire burned itself out hours ago. The dog is sleeping, and the kids are getting ready for bed.

What am I going to do tonight... Count the stars? Maybe I will, after I pour myself a drink.

I'm not supposed do be drinking, not on these pills. The doctor tells me that I could die if I do. I'm sure that he means getting drunk. One drink isn't drinking. I have to wait for a while, the kids don't like to see me drinking. They love me, and they know that one drink too many could do me in... It's late, they'll be asleep soon. I'll sit here, and wait a few minutes.

Tom's usually the last to fall asleep; he has a hard time sleeping, poor kid. Since his mom died, he hasn't slept like he should. I think he's staying up to make sure I'm ok. Too grown up for a fourteen year old. Shouldn't have to look after me at that age.

I'll wait. I don't want them to know I'm drinking... Tom would get mad; he has a temper just like his mother's.

"Dad?" I hear one of the girls call. Why can't I place a name to her voice? Must be the medicine...

"Dad, are you ok?" It's Nancy. Jill never asks if I'm ok. She just knows, somehow.

"Yes, Nancy. I'm fine." Why did she ask? I must be too quiet.

"What are you doing, Dad?"

"I'm just reading honey, I'm going to bed soon." I'm lying. I'm staring out the window, waiting for a star to fall. I'm not superstitious, but maybe my wish will come true.

"OK, 'night Dad!" She always sounds so cheerful, she would smile during an earthquake. I don't know how she does it.

How many stars are there? I've tried to count them before, I got to thirty before I realized that there were no constellations. Then I lost count. I looked at the sky for hours that night. Spiralling galaxies, lines bending through the night sky. But, not a single constellation. I have to try to see them now; even the Big Dipper is harder to notice.

How long have I been staring at the stars for, this night? I've lost track of time... All the kids' lights are off. It's just me, a sleeping dog, and a small lamp. Quiet, at last.

Maybe I won't drink tonight. It's quiet. I wish life was always like this. No noise, no chaos, nothing to disturb me.

Oh, who am I kidding. This is the hardest part of my life. I'm not sure how I'll make it. The kids are just that, kids. They need me. Tom isn't old enough to raise two girls. He can barely take care of himself, but he doesn't notice. He tries to be an adult, and he is a great help. But, Tom is still a kid. He should be playing soccer, chasing girls, not making sure I'm alive.

One drink. I'm only going to have one drink. Scotch, because I can put that in a glass by itself. I can't make noise; this house has paper-thin walls.

Single-malt scotch. I don't know if this is good liquor or not, but it tastes fine to me. Smokey, burns a bit. Makes me feel a little woozy if I drink it too quickly, some nights I don't remember going to bed. Some nights, that's what I need.

Not tonight, though. Tonight, I'm going to count the stars.

[Idem]

Is this going to be continued?
I thought it was pretty good, pretty saddening.

[deet]

It's going to rain soon. If it rains too much, Tom's soccer game will be cancelled. I hope he goes over to a friend's house. I don't mean it like that, I really want him to visit his friends. He spends too much time in his bedroom, alone. I'm not sure what I can do for him. He says he's fine, his teachers tell me he just sits in class by himself, drawing pictures. Maybe he is fine. Maybe it's just the usual teenage angst. It's been a long time since I was a teenager, I don't know what school is like for them.

He tells me he's fine. I have no choice but to believe him. Something tells me that he's lying. Maybe that's the wrong word; maybe he doesn't know how he feels. Jill tries to talk to him, but he won't tell her much. She told me once that she saw him crying, but she didn't know why.

Jill has taken things a little better than the other two. She some great friends, I think that's why. The day Susan died, one of them came over. I think her friend's mom wanted to make sure I was ok, and needed a reason to check on me. I was a wreck, I'm glad she came. It still makes me happy, sort of, to know that there are a few nice people in this world.

The hardest part of that day was telling Nancy. She just wasn't old enough to understand. She asked me to explain what the doctor meant when he told me that Susan's heart had stopped. She asked why they didn't start it again. She asked me when her mom would be home for dinner.

I still don't know how to answer that last one. I told her that she might see her in Heaven. Nancy, always so innocent, asked me how she could get there. I broke down. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and told me that everything would be OK. In that moment, I wondered who was taking care of who.

It's only been a few months, but it seems like forever. Summer vacation starts soon, and they need something to distract them. They're really going to miss Susan if they sit at home all summer, and I'm too tired to keep them busy. The muscle relaxants make my back hurt less, but I'm tired all the time. I won't be able to spend the summer with them at the farm, I can't miss physiotherapy. I really have to get back to work. They know that I'm hurt, and that I'm not able to go to the farm. My parents told me they would love to watch the kids this summer. I was relieved. This will be their first summer away from me, I hope they'll be ok.

There are a lot of memories out there. My old swing set is still standing, next to the house. The quonset is still there. It really was built to last a hundred years. They've got some old farm equipment, but most of it hasn't been used in over a decade. Dad says that they'll be antiques some day. It doesn't matter; they've got more sentimental value than most of the vechicles I've driven.

The kids will be busy the whole time they're out there. There's land past the horizon, and they've all got something to do. Tom, as always, will rip around on his dirt bike. Jill will dig holes, looking for fossils and Indian artifacts, and Nancy will chase the chickens. She caught one once. Tom told her that she'd be able to make dinner with it. Nancy didn't realize until then where the supermarket got their chicken from. Her eyes almost bugged out of her head. I laughed, I couldn't help it.

Maybe this vacation will do us all good. I'll bring them out there tomorrow, but I'm only going to spend the night.