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Read it, or don't, let it sink the bottom, I don't know. I just needed somewhere to spew my brain for a minute.

End of my rope. For today, for now, I don't know. Tough winter for me. Not in the sense of anything actually happening, just emotionally - which makes it worse because it's pointless. It's finally getting nice out and I'm trying to drag myself back into a good mood, but it's not working well. I don't think I can let myself be happy. I try to relax, go out with friends, or take some time just for me, and I start worrying about what I haven't done yet, what I'm always too tired to do, what I *might* be forgetting to do, so how dare I stop. I go out with friends, have a great time, but minutes after walking through the door at home, I'm thinking about what stupid/awkward/annoying things I must have done and what they're probably saying/thinking now that I've gone, they must just spend time with me out of pity, why do I even bother, why do THEY even bother. I know it's probably not true, but try telling that to my brain. I hear the nice things they say, I hear them asking me to come out. But I don't often believe it. Hell, I can barely post here without second guessing everything I say and feeling like I'm intruding somewhere I don't belong. 

And I'm just so tired, and if I'm not tired, I get sore, or overwhelmed, and can't do anything anyway. I am on edge constantly, and if I catch myself relaxing for a moment it comes back even stronger because WHAT AM I FORGETTING or SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW. Worst is that I know to an extent I take it out on those around me - distancing myself from most and being less patient with those closest to me. There were 5 ants in the kitchen this morning and I completely lost it. Really, it was the ants and EVERYTHING ELSE, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back this morning. Almost flipped out on my boss over the phone after getting to work after he asked me to do something I've done to the extent I can several times and am at the point where his input is needed. Luckily I kept it along the lines of "I already did this. I need x in order to go any further" but there's a good chance any other job would have sent me home.

On top of my imaginary problems, my boyfriend's grandfather has been in the hospital, and is likely dying. My last grandparent died when I was in 6th grade, I haven't dealt with the death of a family member for a while - not that there's any good way to deal with it. His great-grandfather died shortly after we started dating and I went to the funeral, but while I felt sad for my boyfriend and his family, I had never met him, so it didn't affect me too personally. But he's always been real close with his mother's parents, particularly his grandfather, and 8 years later I've gotten to know them well too. So I'm worried about his grandfather, worried about how my boyfriend is handling this, worried about his family (including his grandmother, who has Alzheimer's and is taken care of by his grandfather), worried about my father, who is up there in age (WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS) and worried about how my mother will deal with my father's eventual passing, as she is a good deal younger (WHY). Then berating myself for my other anxieties because they don't even compare to this, even if that doesn't stop them from making me any less crazy.

So here I am sitting in a pile of self-loathing, watching my to-do and filing piles at work barely move, worrying about the piles of everything that will be there when I get home, and all the anxieties and "what-ifs" swarming around that.

I did climb a mountain yesterday with friends. That was a lot of fun. But then today happened.

I really try hard to believe that everyone has some redeeming qualities ("maybe they're having a bad day or a product of this or that, or x and y..."). It's probably mostly a defense mechanism to keep myself from thinking most people are irredeemable shitbags.

Then I just have  to poke some thread about Obama not expressing sorrow for that Texan sniper that was killed but he did for Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston. Even though it's fucking Facebook for fuck's sake. No big surprise, plenty of racism ("That's because Jackson and Houston were black" , "That's because the sniper killed muslims" and so on). Then towards the end some girl goes on a tirade ending with "I don't care if I offend any monkey supporters out there".

It's hard to explain.

Am I personally offended? No, I'm not the one letting my stupid hang out all over the place (aside from partaking in a Facebook discussion in the first place). Am I surprised? No, I haven't been living under a rock since 2008 (not that racism wasn't still prevalent before then, but people have been a lot less shy about expressing it since). I suppose just a bit saddened that I honestly believe that woman and the majority of the people in that thread ARE irredeemable shitbags. That while I try to be nice to everyone from the start, it probably wouldn't take long before I hated them. That they probably harbor several other qualities I despise (though ANYONE can be a racist, and that's not the only -ism I'm referring to). It makes me sad that I think the world would be better off without these people.

Again, this isn't shock or suprise. Probably thinking about it now because of Roger's "Jerk" thread, but I didn't want to much it up with this off-topicness. Again, it's about me trying to balance my love and hatred of humanity and try as I might to see the best in everyone, there is some truth to my negativity that some people are just terrible.

So, my boyfriend recently acquired a bag of frozen mushroom tortellini from his work (his boss gave it to him for free, so why the hell not). Never had it before, but it seems like it could go better with a white/cream sauce rather than regular marinara (though I'm sure it probably wouldn't be bad).  I really don't know a lot about white sauces except I've occassionally had ones that were really good.

Suggestions?

So, half an hour before I leave work yesterday, my boss calls me:

"Do you like tuna?"

WTF?? "Uh...yea?"

Short story short, one of our clients caught a 100lb. blue fin tuna and brought a bag of meat each for me and my boss. Definitely a good $30-40 worth in my bag alone. Two good sized steaks and a bunch of belly meat, which the client said was good for sushi (he was just cutting it off and eating it with wasabi).

Now I like sushi, but have only had in restaurants with someone else preparing it. But I would assume that what the client said is relatively safe assuming I eat the right parts and not a chunk of raw fat or something like that?

Sushi aside, the only fish I've cooked other than various shellfish is baked haddock. I'm gonna be poking around on the internet, but does anyone have good recipes for tuna steaks? I'm pretty clueless on this one.

Potatoes are right there with bacon at the top of my awesome foods list and we do have some of potato with the majority of our dinners.  However, looking for new and delicious things to do with them.

Normally we're either doing baked or mashed, with the intermittent scalloped/au gratin, potato salad and french fries.

Trying to look up recipes for ideas, I usually come across various methods of the above dishes, and I'd really like to find some new ideas to shove potatoes into our meals. 

Any favorite potato recipes would be greatly appreciated. It does not need to be a potato only dish, but looking for primarily side dishes, unless meat is included - then it can be a main dish.

Thanks!

Does anyone here have a good recipe for broccoli & cheese soup?  I've been dying to make it, but never tried before and was looking for a good recipe as a basis.  Half the ones I've looked up involve processed cheese which sounds absolutely disgusting, or don't have milk/cream involved, which I thought broccoli & cheese did have.  Urgh. I'm gonna keep routing around and if all else fails mash a bunch of recipes together into something that sounds right, but was wondering if anyone had any good suggestions?