ITT: TGRR helps you with your personals ads.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

So, I posted two ads. One says:

I'm a girl who is really pretty apathetic about life, and I don't have much use for fun, humor, or laughter. I can't remember the last time I laughed, actually. I usually spend a good part of my morning sobbing uncontrollably before I can get myself together. I'm in my late 30's but look at least five years older... probably more, actually, now that I think of it. The sleeplessness, despair, and heavy drinking really takes a toll on looks. I think it's safe to say that I'm more or less completely out of touch with reality... I don't know what month I was born in and I also could give not a single flying rat's ass about what kind of clothes I wear, so most of the time you'll find me just huddled in a sheet. I'm not particularly bright and wouldn't consider myself much of a catch in the looks department, and most of the people I know say I'm fairly unpleasant to be around.

I'm pretty narcissistic and have a lot of pics and will be happy to send them all to you so I hope your email have good bandwidth and also hope you won't mind that I can only send four at a time, so you'll be receiving a LOT of emails over the next couple of days. There's not really much of anything I enjoy doing... I'd pretty much say that I hate going outside. I'm not really looking for anything in particular and I don't believe in souls so you won't have to worry about any of that. I kind of have a hard time getting attached to people. Oh, and you should know that I'm currently on the thin side, but I plan on chunking up as soon as I'm in a relationship.

The other says:

I'm just a girl in the world...

I'm a single mom, 5'3" and slim/fit, looking for a date. Seriously, I would love to just find a nice/sweet/hot guy around my age to go on a date with and see if there's a spark. I broke up with a boyfriend 8 months ago and have been pretty solitary since then, but it's time to break out of my shell and see what's going on out there... I like alt/punk/artist types (open to interpretation) a lot, I have a couple small tats and a few piercings myself, but nothing wild. I like going to see shows, hiking, sandwiches, pickles, beer, reading in bed, road trips, art, cooking, and social justice. I own my house and am self-employed, which means I work a lot. I eat meat, I drink, and sometimes I smoke cigarettes even though they also kind of gross me out. I would prefer a nonsmoker, because I know that if you smoke I'll be tempted to smoke one with you and we all know where THAT leads. It leads straight to dancing, which is a sin.

I am nonreligious/spiritual/Discordian/pagan with a touch of woo-woo. If you're a rabid Atheist or a rabid Theist we will probably not get along.

If you enjoy hiking, pranks, live shows at tiny local venues, road trips, fighting the power by stapling pieces of paper to telephone poles, reading in bed, and playing video games once in a while, within a few years of my age and slim and fit, shoot me an email with your pic and I will return with a couple of mine!

GUESS WHICH ONE HAS GOTTEN REPLIES.

Try this one:

I am too fucking hot for any of you, but this is Portland, so I'll have to settle.  I am 5'3", in good shape, and have kids that are more important to me than you are.  I am an avid collector of flensing knives, and I always keep a few sacks of quick lime in the basement in case things don't work out (I hate saying goodbye).   I like hiking, art gallery openings, and indoor skeet shooting.  When I'm feeling wild, I stuff myself into a dead horse.  When I'm feeling really wild, I'll use you.

I expect that our relationship will start off fairly normally, then spiral out of control into shame, failure and degradation that will keep your friends talking for months if not years.  That being in mind, you must provide your own wet suit and mayonaise.

Serious inquiries only, no freaks.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Try this one:

I am too fucking hot for any of you, but this is Portland, so I'll have to settle.  I am 5'3", in good shape, and have kids that are more important to me than you are.  I am an avid collector of flensing knives, and I always keep a few sacks of quick lime in the basement in case things don't work out (I hate saying goodbye).   I like hiking, art gallery openings, and indoor skeet shooting.  When I'm feeling wild, I stuff myself into a dead horse.  When I'm feeling really wild, I'll use you.

I expect that our relationship will start off fairly normally, then spiral out of control into shame, failure and degradation that will keep your friends talking for months if not years.  That being in mind, you must provide your own wet suit and mayonaise.

Serious inquiries only, no freaks.

BRB, POSTING

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Try this one:

I am too fucking hot for any of you, but this is Portland, so I'll have to settle.  I am 5'3", in good shape, and have kids that are more important to me than you are.  I am an avid collector of flensing knives, and I always keep a few sacks of quick lime in the basement in case things don't work out (I hate saying goodbye).   I like hiking, art gallery openings, and indoor skeet shooting.  When I'm feeling wild, I stuff myself into a dead horse.  When I'm feeling really wild, I'll use you.

I expect that our relationship will start off fairly normally, then spiral out of control into shame, failure and degradation that will keep your friends talking for months if not years.  That being in mind, you must provide your own wet suit and mayonaise.

Serious inquiries only, no freaks.

BRB, POSTING

You can get away with anything in a personal ad if you end it with "No freaks."

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Try this one:

I am too fucking hot for any of you, but this is Portland, so I'll have to settle.  I am 5'3", in good shape, and have kids that are more important to me than you are.  I am an avid collector of flensing knives, and I always keep a few sacks of quick lime in the basement in case things don't work out (I hate saying goodbye).   I like hiking, art gallery openings, and indoor skeet shooting.  When I'm feeling wild, I stuff myself into a dead horse.  When I'm feeling really wild, I'll use you.

I expect that our relationship will start off fairly normally, then spiral out of control into shame, failure and degradation that will keep your friends talking for months if not years.  That being in mind, you must provide your own wet suit and mayonaise.

Serious inquiries only, no freaks.

BRB, POSTING

You can get away with anything in a personal ad if you end it with "No freaks."

Can I have you rewrite my OK Cupid profile? I'll give you totally free rein over it. And you can choose the pics, too.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Try this one:

I am too fucking hot for any of you, but this is Portland, so I'll have to settle.  I am 5'3", in good shape, and have kids that are more important to me than you are.  I am an avid collector of flensing knives, and I always keep a few sacks of quick lime in the basement in case things don't work out (I hate saying goodbye).   I like hiking, art gallery openings, and indoor skeet shooting.  When I'm feeling wild, I stuff myself into a dead horse.  When I'm feeling really wild, I'll use you.

I expect that our relationship will start off fairly normally, then spiral out of control into shame, failure and degradation that will keep your friends talking for months if not years.  That being in mind, you must provide your own wet suit and mayonaise.

Serious inquiries only, no freaks.

BRB, POSTING

You can get away with anything in a personal ad if you end it with "No freaks."

Can I have you rewrite my OK Cupid profile? I'll give you totally free rein over it. And you can choose the pics, too.

Heeeeee!

You betcha.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Try this one:

I am too fucking hot for any of you, but this is Portland, so I'll have to settle.  I am 5'3", in good shape, and have kids that are more important to me than you are.  I am an avid collector of flensing knives, and I always keep a few sacks of quick lime in the basement in case things don't work out (I hate saying goodbye).   I like hiking, art gallery openings, and indoor skeet shooting.  When I'm feeling wild, I stuff myself into a dead horse.  When I'm feeling really wild, I'll use you.

I expect that our relationship will start off fairly normally, then spiral out of control into shame, failure and degradation that will keep your friends talking for months if not years.  That being in mind, you must provide your own wet suit and mayonaise.

Serious inquiries only, no freaks.

BRB, POSTING

You can get away with anything in a personal ad if you end it with "No freaks."

Can I have you rewrite my OK Cupid profile? I'll give you totally free rein over it. And you can choose the pics, too.

Heeeeee!

You betcha.

YAY!

You will be pleased to know that the first two responses have rolled in:

Hey there! I would love to hook up sometime my name is D--, im 24, 5 ft 7, 160, tan, athletic build, tattoos, good lookin? Lol. Well email me back, leave a number to text or text me at ###-###-####. Send pics if you can too please thanks!

Tell me more, you've peeked my intrest - D--- / 40

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Try this one:

I am too fucking hot for any of you, but this is Portland, so I'll have to settle.  I am 5'3", in good shape, and have kids that are more important to me than you are.  I am an avid collector of flensing knives, and I always keep a few sacks of quick lime in the basement in case things don't work out (I hate saying goodbye).   I like hiking, art gallery openings, and indoor skeet shooting.  When I'm feeling wild, I stuff myself into a dead horse.  When I'm feeling really wild, I'll use you.

I expect that our relationship will start off fairly normally, then spiral out of control into shame, failure and degradation that will keep your friends talking for months if not years.  That being in mind, you must provide your own wet suit and mayonaise.

Serious inquiries only, no freaks.

BRB, POSTING

You can get away with anything in a personal ad if you end it with "No freaks."

Can I have you rewrite my OK Cupid profile? I'll give you totally free rein over it. And you can choose the pics, too.

Heeeeee!

You betcha.

YAY!

You will be pleased to know that the first two responses have rolled in:

Hey there! I would love to hook up sometime my name is D--, im 24, 5 ft 7, 160, tan, athletic build, tattoos, good lookin? Lol. Well email me back, leave a number to text or text me at ###-###-####. Send pics if you can too please thanks!

Tell me more, you've peeked my intrest - D--- / 40

That second guy, you have to abuse righteously.

It's "piqued".

WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Someone is not so dumb:

Didn't you post another similar, but opposite in content, ad that got flagged?
Aren't you actually 38?

And OH MY GOD DOK, I THINK YOU GOT ME ONE!

I was purely browsing when I read your post. Too fucking cool. What the hell is a flensing knife? And who the hell doesnt keep a bag of lime handy? Trully if we met it would cause a black hole that would suck half the hipsters in this town to a crushing demise. I prefer Aardvark sauce to mayonnasie and skinny dipping to wet suits. Cheers J---

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Try this one:

I am too fucking hot for any of you, but this is Portland, so I'll have to settle.  I am 5'3", in good shape, and have kids that are more important to me than you are.  I am an avid collector of flensing knives, and I always keep a few sacks of quick lime in the basement in case things don't work out (I hate saying goodbye).   I like hiking, art gallery openings, and indoor skeet shooting.  When I'm feeling wild, I stuff myself into a dead horse.  When I'm feeling really wild, I'll use you.

I expect that our relationship will start off fairly normally, then spiral out of control into shame, failure and degradation that will keep your friends talking for months if not years.  That being in mind, you must provide your own wet suit and mayonaise.

Serious inquiries only, no freaks.

BRB, POSTING

You can get away with anything in a personal ad if you end it with "No freaks."

Can I have you rewrite my OK Cupid profile? I'll give you totally free rein over it. And you can choose the pics, too.

Heeeeee!

You betcha.

YAY!

You will be pleased to know that the first two responses have rolled in:

Hey there! I would love to hook up sometime my name is D--, im 24, 5 ft 7, 160, tan, athletic build, tattoos, good lookin? Lol. Well email me back, leave a number to text or text me at ###-###-####. Send pics if you can too please thanks!

Tell me more, you've peeked my intrest - D--- / 40

That second guy, you have to abuse righteously.

It's "piqued".

WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?

I can't even. I should copypaste some of the guys ads, they're WRETCHED. I mean, shit is written.like this,,,and they haef no ideeya of speling or puncshations.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

OMG another one!

Hello what a lovely post. Although I am not a collector of whaling knives I appreciate a gal who is. I will bring the wetsuit and mayo, as well as a live chicken, quart of blue paint and rubber gloves!! No freaky stuff!!

That's it. From now on Roger is my official love guru.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

OMG another one!

Hello what a lovely post. Although I am not a collector of whaling knives I appreciate a gal who is. I will bring the wetsuit and mayo, as well as a live chicken, quart of blue paint and rubber gloves!! No freaky stuff!!

That's it. From now on Roger is my official love guru.

THE LOVE DOCTOR IS IN.

TGRR,
Can write personals ads all damn day.  It's like a ticket to the sideshow.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

OMG another one!

Hello what a lovely post. Although I am not a collector of whaling knives I appreciate a gal who is. I will bring the wetsuit and mayo, as well as a live chicken, quart of blue paint and rubber gloves!! No freaky stuff!!

That's it. From now on Roger is my official love guru.

THE LOVE DOCTOR IS IN.

TGRR,
Can write personals ads all damn day.  It's like a ticket to the sideshow.

I've gotten more good responses to that ad than I've gotten good responses to any ad I've written, ever. Including when I'm trolling. With you as my personal Love Guru, my OK Cupid will be blowing up in NO TIME.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

OMG another one!

Hello what a lovely post. Although I am not a collector of whaling knives I appreciate a gal who is. I will bring the wetsuit and mayo, as well as a live chicken, quart of blue paint and rubber gloves!! No freaky stuff!!

That's it. From now on Roger is my official love guru.

THE LOVE DOCTOR IS IN.

TGRR,
Can write personals ads all damn day.  It's like a ticket to the sideshow.

I've gotten more good responses to that ad than I've gotten good responses to any ad I've written, ever. Including when I'm trolling. With you as my personal Love Guru, my OK Cupid will be blowing up in NO TIME.

I can top that.  Easy.

You might want to use an alternate account, though, because if I do, you'll be up to your ovaries in stone FREAKS.

[Suu]

OMG another one!

Hello what a lovely post. Although I am not a collector of whaling knives I appreciate a gal who is. I will bring the wetsuit and mayo, as well as a live chicken, quart of blue paint and rubber gloves!! No freaky stuff!!

That's it. From now on Roger is my official love guru.

THE LOVE DOCTOR IS IN.

TGRR,
Can write personals ads all damn day.  It's like a ticket to the sideshow.

I want one!

For scientific purposes only, of course.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

OMG another one!

Hello what a lovely post. Although I am not a collector of whaling knives I appreciate a gal who is. I will bring the wetsuit and mayo, as well as a live chicken, quart of blue paint and rubber gloves!! No freaky stuff!!

That's it. From now on Roger is my official love guru.

THE LOVE DOCTOR IS IN.

TGRR,
Can write personals ads all damn day.  It's like a ticket to the sideshow.

I want one!

For scientific purposes only, of course.

Okay.

25/single/man hater.  I am here to take out years of frustration on any man that crosses my path.  Needless to say, that will attract dozens of you little fucking weasels...So just line right up:  Hunks on the left,  weedy types on the right.  Hobbies involve hitting people with sticks, making period clothing, and jamming a small America flag up my junk and singing Yankee Doodle Dandy.  The ideal man will be able to play a fife, heal quickly, and be understanding when I get all fucked up on wine and choke him like the cheating bastard he is.  Serious inquiries only.