Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Two vast and trunkless legs of stone => Topic started by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 05, 2012, 06:55:55 PM

Title: Hi There
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 05, 2012, 06:55:55 PM
Hi, I'm Shaky, and I'm the squad leader for 2d squad, 3rd plt of C company.  I hold down brown people while you steal from them.  It's not a bad gig, as long as there's enough smokes and maybe a 6 pack when we go back for R&R.  It's thirsty work. 

Hi, I'm Little Billy, and I'm an aircraft mechanic for a small airline that does government contracts between America and her Southern neighbor(s).  It gets kind of hairy sometimes, but I like it.  It keeps my blood pumping.  I have a wife and two children, and I live in Batavia.

Hi, I'm Padre Dolor, and I run with Judge Richardson's crew.  I keep the protection money moving, and run the occasional card game.  I had a wife and two children.  Now I have a different wife and I'm thousands and thousands of miles away.  My wife is a very violent person on the outside, but inside she's all snakes and bad wiring, so it's okay.

Hi, I'm The Good Reverend Roger, and I police your streets.  I hit people on the collar bone a lot, and I pick up dead meth heads every few weeks, from under the bridge.  I have the same wife, and I'm even further away than I was before.  But I live on a mountain, and every morning I piss down on the town and tell them I love them.

Hi, I'm Doktor Howl, and I make SCIENCE happen by repairing the plant.  This allows feedstock to go to Chinese factories where 12 year olds work 30 hour shifts making smart phones for you.  The hours are long, but the pay is good.  I have a different wife now, and two kids.  They're the same kids, just different.  I live in Tucson, Arizona, and I'm very, very happy.

Hi, I'm the Good Reverend Doktor Billy, and I don't know what I do.  I think I'm an ex-soldier, ex-smuggler, ex-mook, ex-cop, maintenance kind of guy, but things are getting a little sideways, if you know what I mean.  I have a wife and two kids, one of which is away marching in my footsteps.  I live in Oro Valley, Arizona, and I own two cars.  I had a dog once, but it ran off with a girl named Cheryl.  I don't remember much about her.  But I'm very, very happy.

Hi, I'm some collection of jumbled up memories that all seem to be my own.  I work in some sort of refinery, and I march around in circles.  The Grabby Girls can't catch you if you keep moving.  I sometimes have to fire people, which makes me sad.  Sometimes the people I fire buy guns and disappear.  This worries me in a vague sort of way, but other than that, I'm happy.  I have a wife and one and a half kids, and I live in purgatory.  It's not so bad, once you get used to it.  My state government is insane, but that's what happens in a democracy when the citizenry is insane.  I take drugs to sleep at night.  I'm happy.

I know who I am/was/might have been.  Who the fuck are you?
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 05, 2012, 08:05:38 PM
This is fucking INTENSE, Roger. Holy shit.

Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 05, 2012, 08:07:53 PM
Quote from: A Very Hairy Monkey In An Ill-Fitting Tunic on October 05, 2012, 08:05:38 PM
This is fucking INTENSE, Roger. Holy shit.

I'm having an intense month.   :lulz: :horrormirth: :lulz:
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on October 05, 2012, 08:17:41 PM
STEALING YOUR MOJO:

Hi. I'm Vex. I make the machines work that make your job work. I keep you quiet so you can keep typing, clicking, and producing. I'm behind the scenes, where we can see just how precariously this Modern Age is perched at the edge of an eroding abyss. But I don't tell you about it, because that isn't my job, and it isn't your job to know. When I was young, I used to have big ideas about ruling the world. But I gave those up when I realized this planet isn't the kind of place any sane person would ever want to be in charge of. I have one wife, two kids, two cars, two pets and two dreams left: to live until I can't anymore, and to die before it gets old.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Freeky on October 05, 2012, 08:22:14 PM
Hi, I'm Grey Bones. I don't remember who I used to be, but I think I was happy. Now I take pills to sleep and pills to wake up and pills to be happy. I have a kid and a couple delusional exes. I live in a place where I remember daily I'm unwelcome. Sometimes I worry about my friends, but I don't think they want to share their woes with me. Its okay though, I have pills that put me to bed and keep me asleep and I'm very happy.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Signora Pæsior on October 05, 2012, 08:39:28 PM
Holy shitballs, Roger, this gave me chills 

Riffing, like others:

Hi, I'm Signora. I learn your job and make you redundant, and apparently that's a job to be proud of, because fuck other people, right? People try to define me by what I was -- ex-whore, ex-victim, ex-big-fish-in-a-small-pond, ex-drug-fucked-teenager-desperate-to-escape -- and I try not to let them be too right. It looks like I have it pretty good; a lovely fiancée, beautiful apartment, great money coming in. Though, I do freeze up when someone touches my head, and I want to throw up when the ground moves a little. And once every 29 days the world reminds me that I cannot do the one thing I've always wanted out of life... and I paint on a smile and tell people I never wanted that in the first place.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Don Coyote on October 05, 2012, 08:45:27 PM
Hi my name is [REDACTED], and I [REDACTED] for 5 years in [REDACTED]. Some days I was wake up and wonder how much of my life has been [REDACTED]. Some days I wonder who [REDACTED] was.
But it's ok right? I was poor, and now I'm getting a full ride to higher learning.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Internet Jesus on October 05, 2012, 08:46:09 PM
Hi, my name is Jorge.  I work in the nexus between business, the law and politics and I can tell you the only reason the fucking thing works is money and sheer force of will.  Want to avoid paying taxes, hide your assets and screw the 47% of moochers out of the fruits of your labor? I have that knowledge.

I also give good head, but the only person who's said that in the last decade is my wife, and she's just a bitter old crone who is trying to make herself feel better after making the worst decision in her life.  So it's probably all a lie. 

Everything I tell you should never be trusted until you verified it with someone who's income depends on them being honest with you.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Roly Poly Oly-Garch on October 05, 2012, 10:01:04 PM
Hi there. Some folks call me Nikita. I called her Rage. But that's all over with because it wasn't kinky enough to cover the spread. I took pills to sleep--only they weren't pills, and I smoked them, and I wouldn't sleep for weeks.

Nowadays I get up at 3:30 am without taking the time to figure out where I am or who. Then I drive 18 miles in that direction. I sit there for 8 hours and I type reasons why people are making a great decision by wasting their money. Then I type how it's really not that bad. And then I tell them how to fix it. It's important that I brand the close. Then when all that's said and done and done 2 or 3 more times at least, then I drive 18 miles in that other direction. I can't be sure I don't have that backwards.

Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be healthier with a little more fear in my life. Excedrin seems to help with the headaches.

Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on October 05, 2012, 10:20:10 PM
Hi, I'm Stella. We've been some of the same people at some point in time, but not others. I can't claim [REDACTED], just a continuous low-wattage but surreal horror. I won't bend your ear with my series of shitty jobs, cretinous yahoos or the Things I Have Seen. Occasionally I get to do something really awesome. This usually happens in Austin and is followed by the San Antonio Bus Station and another spell of several months in Seguin.

I stay on the internet a lot. I've worn the finish off the little touchpad thing that acts as a mouse on my laptop.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on October 06, 2012, 12:15:33 AM
Hi there. My name is sapiens, and I'm a Homo. I am an acid, a chemical that is unique in the universe. I am surrounded by 7 billion similarly formulated, but also unique, chemicals, and several billions more that are less similar to me. I take the form of a meat machine with symbiotic bacteria. Mine is the most powerful model of processor on the market. My kind has walked on the Moon, split the atom, peered into the depths of space and time, and yet seem incapable of common sense or critical thought.

Hello, my name is Kevin, and I am a Facebook profile. I am a composite concept suggested by photos, likes, status updates. I am apparently a male born on August 6, 1981. My hometown is West Roxbury, MA. My current city is Somerville, MA. I am in a relationship with someone named Deirdre. I play in 3 different musical projects. You can tell by my photos. Occasionally I will send you an event invite to a bar to come and see me play. That's when you click attending and yet don't show up in the photos on the profile the day after the event.

Hi, my name is also Kevin, and I am a cartoon character. I wear the same kind of clothes everyday because the illustrator can't be bothered to vary it up much. Blue jeans, an Iron Maiden t-shirt, and a grey flat cap that I purchased in that episode in season 30 where I went to Ireland because the producers thought it was time for that nice Irish lady who voiced my grandmother to look into other opportunities and they wrote her off the show. A couple of episodes later, they also wrote off one of my uncles, and now I also sometimes wear his Hawaiian shirts.

Dia duit. Caoimhin is ainm dom. Is Eireannach me. Sin e, ta m'eolas agaibh anois. Nil rud eile anseo.

Hi, I'm Ciaran. I'm a Schrodinger's Catholic. When I'm in the box I'm both Catholic and not Catholic. If you open the box I become either Catholic or not Catholic. I'm only in this box for a limited, but indeterminate amount of time.

Hello, I'm Nephew Twiddleton. I'm a Discordian. Unlike other Discordians, I don't take any pills. I don't much like them. I get annoyed when the doctor gives them to me. They do strange things to me, and I don't need them for more than whatever temporary ailment I have. I did like those ones that basically stripped away my emotions that they gave me because I don't like having my blood drawn, if only it got me through the day at work, though they made Villager worry and she made me throw them away. No, I'm old fashion when it comes to medicine. I like my medicine in liquid form. It makes me forget stuff, stay up late, sleep in late, and from time to time get confused if something was just a dream, if it happened, or a little bit of both. But I usually have fun with it.

I'm Doktor Blight. I'm a lot like that Twid guy, but more pessimistic.

I am a number. I put numbers into the computer so I can let you know what diseases you might get from your lifestyle choices. I sigh a lot. I drink a lot of coffee. I calculate numbers to find out how long I've been here, and approximately what numbers will be added to my bank account on Thursday, and whether or not I can go home yet so I can turn into Twid.

I am a son. I am a brother. I am a nephew (small n). I am an uncle. I am a cousin. A friend. A lover. An enemy, for some reason. A grandson.

I am an actor. I have many scripts and roles in front of me, different personas that I have to try on depending on the scene, but I seem to do a decent job of creating at least some cohesiveness to the character I'm here to play.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Bu🤠ns on October 06, 2012, 07:57:09 AM
Deleted--[Sorry I can't do this]
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: President Television on October 06, 2012, 11:24:38 AM
Quote from: Bu☆ns on October 06, 2012, 07:57:09 AM
Deleted--[Sorry I can't do this]

You fucker. You stole my schtick.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Bu🤠ns on October 06, 2012, 04:50:07 PM
Quote from: Uncle Wallified on October 06, 2012, 11:24:38 AM
Quote from: Bu☆ns on October 06, 2012, 07:57:09 AM
Deleted--[Sorry I can't do this]

You fucker. You stole my schtick.

(http://i.imgur.com/bpQ6R.jpg)
                                                    \
                                               It got weird.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: East Coast Hustle on October 06, 2012, 05:00:22 PM
I just did one and it sort of made me want to run into traffic. I think I'll pass. Good stuff ITT though.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 06, 2012, 06:04:55 PM
Hi, I'm Brat. I spend most of my days in the woods or the water looking for food. I stay away from people, because people hurt me, especially men. Not the old man or Grandpa, though, they're kind. I used to go to school but I don't anymore because I'm trouble, and then we moved far away from home. I have a mama but I don't know where she is most of the time and I'm hungry, but I'm good at finding most of what I need, and the old man gives me venison and eggs sometimes. He reminds me of Grandpa, but I haven't seen Grandpa since we left the city. I'm small but I'm strong and I can dive for oysters and crabs or climb trees for apples and walnuts, and trap rabbits and steal things. I'm quick and I'm quiet... pssht! nobody sees me!

Hi, I'm Tiki. I live in the city and I work at a store in the mall. It took me a while to get used to things here, I was too strange and feral for the city at first, but now I have lots of friends and a boyfriend who doesn't like it when I drink. He isn't very nice to me but he says he loves me so I stay with him. He says that if I leave he'll start have to shooting up again. I like to drink when I'm with my friends, and I like to go out with my friends. Everyone says I'm cute, but I'm not so sure I like being cute. I can use it, though. I learn by watching people. People aren't very nice. I'm learning a lot. I'd like to go to college and learn more.

Hi, I'm Dolores. I am a divorced mom, a responsible person, and a homeowner. I work hard at my job and then hurry home to take care of my kids... I have two of them, and a little pink cottage with a big back yard. I love my house and my kids so much! I love my job, too, but I'm sad inside, and at the end of the night after I tuck the kids into bed I cry and write and drink myself to sleep. I used to have a husband but he didn't work and put me down all the time, and I finally had enough of his bullshit and kicked him out. Now I'm alone and I like it so much better, but there's something eating me inside that I can't seem to kill. My kids are the only thing keeping me alive. To distract myself, I live my life hard, as hard as I can. Maybe if I live it hard enough, the thing inside will go away.

Hi, I'm The Right Reverend Nigel. I am one of the angriest people you will ever meet in your life, and one of the meanest. I'm also one of the kindest people you'll meet in your life, and one of the most generous. I am passionate, I am on fire with whatever emotion I'm feeling in the moment. If that's anger, man, watch your back, and if it's sorrow, man, please watch mine because I can't stop this storm inside and it's tearing me apart, it's killing me. I'll laugh until I'm in pain or rage until there's blood on the ceiling or curl on the floor in fetal agony screaming, and good luck predicting which one will be next because there's no algorithm that works on me. I have three kids and a husband and a boyfriend and a lot of money and friends and a big house in a nice neighborhood, I am published, collected, and known as one of the best in the world at my particular art, and I am falling apart.

Hi, I'm Mayor Salt. I am a mom, a student, an artist, and a human services research assistant. I still live in that big house, but a lot of other things have changed. I'm on a mission to understand myself and the people around me. I don't cry like I used to, and I don't drink myself to sleep anymore. I still have three kids, the most brilliant, wonderful freaks I've ever met, and they're just getting used to me working outside of the house after nine years of being home all the time. They're getting big and independent, and soon it will be time for them to go off on their own. For now, I treasure the time I do get to spend with them, and we laugh together and say I love you a lot. I have three ex-husbands and one ex-boyfriend who still makes me sad when I think about him, I'm broke most of the time, behind on my mortgage about half the time, and my health isn't what it used to be, but I'm doing good things. I'm happier than I have ever been in my life, and I'm not looking back.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2012, 07:09:19 PM
Quote from: A Very Hairy Monkey In An Ill-Fitting Tunic on October 06, 2012, 06:04:55 PM
Hi, I'm Brat. I spend most of my days in the woods or the water looking for food. I stay away from people, because people hurt me, especially men. Not the old man or Grandpa, though, they're kind. I used to go to school but I don't anymore because I'm trouble, and then we moved far away from home. I have a mama but I don't know where she is most of the time and I'm hungry, but I'm good at finding most of what I need, and the old man gives me venison and eggs sometimes. He reminds me of Grandpa, but I haven't seen Grandpa since we left the city. I'm small but I'm strong and I can dive for oysters and crabs or climb trees for apples and walnuts, and trap rabbits and steal things. I'm quick and I'm quiet... pssht! nobody sees me!

Hi, I'm Tiki. I live in the city and I work at a store in the mall. It took me a while to get used to things here, I was too strange and feral for the city at first, but now I have lots of friends and a boyfriend who doesn't like it when I drink. He isn't very nice to me but he says he loves me so I stay with him. He says that if I leave he'll start have to shooting up again. I like to drink when I'm with my friends, and I like to go out with my friends. Everyone says I'm cute, but I'm not so sure I like being cute. I can use it, though. I learn by watching people. People aren't very nice. I'm learning a lot. I'd like to go to college and learn more.

Hi, I'm Dolores. I am a divorced mom, a responsible person, and a homeowner. I work hard at my job and then hurry home to take care of my kids... I have two of them, and a little pink cottage with a big back yard. I love my house and my kids so much! I love my job, too, but I'm sad inside, and at the end of the night after I tuck the kids into bed I cry and write and drink myself to sleep. I used to have a husband but he didn't work and put me down all the time, and I finally had enough of his bullshit and kicked him out. Now I'm alone and I like it so much better, but there's something eating me inside that I can't seem to kill. My kids are the only thing keeping me alive. To distract myself, I live my life hard, as hard as I can. Maybe if I live it hard enough, the thing inside will go away.

Hi, I'm The Right Reverend Nigel. I am one of the angriest people you will ever meet in your life, and one of the meanest. I'm also one of the kindest people you'll meet in your life, and one of the most generous. I am passionate, I am on fire with whatever emotion I'm feeling in the moment. If that's anger, man, watch your back, and if it's sorrow, man, please watch mine because I can't stop this storm inside and it's tearing me apart, it's killing me. I'll laugh until I'm in pain or rage until there's blood on the ceiling or curl on the floor in fetal agony screaming, and good luck predicting which one will be next because there's no algorithm that works on me. I have three kids and a husband and a boyfriend and a lot of money and friends and a big house in a nice neighborhood, I am published, collected, and known as one of the best in the world at my particular art, and I am falling apart.

Hi, I'm Mayor Salt. I am a mom, a student, an artist, and a human services research assistant. I still live in that big house, but a lot of other things have changed. I'm on a mission to understand myself and the people around me. I don't cry like I used to, and I don't drink myself to sleep anymore. I still have three kids, the most brilliant, wonderful freaks I've ever met, and they're just getting used to me working outside of the house after nine years of being home all the time. They're getting big and independent, and soon it will be time for them to go off on their own. For now, I treasure the time I do get to spend with them, and we laugh together and say I love you a lot. I have three ex-husbands and one ex-boyfriend who still makes me sad when I think about him, I'm broke most of the time, behind on my mortgage about half the time, and my health isn't what it used to be, but I'm doing good things. I'm happier than I have ever been in my life, and I'm not looking back.

Happy endings always make me cry.

I promised I wouldn't cry.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 06, 2012, 08:37:02 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: hunter s.durden on October 07, 2012, 06:27:57 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 05, 2012, 06:55:55 PM
Who the fuck are you?

I'm not sure.
I couldn't give a truthful answer.
Not that I'd willfully lie about this, I'd love to answer. I'm just fairly certain there's no way to know who I am.True introspection seems like it would be nearly impossible, and the splinters from the illusions that would shatter from such a vision would surely drive one mad. Right the fuck crazy.
One reason psychology and sociology get thrown aside as soft sciences is because we recognize the inherent problems of self observation. We study humans with a human bias. We study self with a self bias. But we are cognizant of this fact. So maybe we can use a little Kentucky windage to adjust our sights on who we really are. But that's all it would be. A guess. Is the observer effect impossible to avoid? Did I use the term observer effect correctly?

I've heard bees whom perform a dance incorrectly are stung to death by the rest of the hive. Do they know they're doing this? Would we know if we were doing that?
Would I sting me if I saw me dance?
Fuck. I'm high.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Luna on October 07, 2012, 01:23:07 PM
Quote from: East Coast Hustle on October 06, 2012, 05:00:22 PM
I just did one and it sort of made me want to run into traffic. I think I'll pass. Good stuff ITT though.

Yeah, I've started a response a couple of times.   :|
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Sita on October 07, 2012, 01:50:23 PM
Hi, my name is Sitalique. I am a naive, idealistic teenager that found this amazing thing called the internet. I love going to school. Want to get into building computers and perhaps programming.

Hi, my name is Sita.
I can say that I am a wife and a mom, but anything else? Not really. The dreams of my youth have long been lost.
I waste my life sitting in front of a computer all day long with only some words on the screen to act as getting my social quota of the day. Everything is the same, day after day after day.
I've lost my personality, my drive, my will. I continue to exist, mainly because there are some that would actually be hurt if my existence were to end. And that is one thing that I don't wish for, the people I care about to be hurt.

Let's see if I actually hit post this time....
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Placid Dingo on October 07, 2012, 02:16:33 PM
Hi, I'm B--n and I'm made of zaniness and insecurity. The flavour on the end of my tonuge is the crystally contents of a stink bomb somebody put in my lunchbox. I'm my own enemy, judgemental but a poor judge of social interaction, with top marks in taking it personally. Easily distracted. And no, I don't know why, and I'm sorry that's such a common answer. I'm terrified of death. I'm not sure what I believe. I'm a Christian. No, not really. Damn, science is cool. The game is, to remember everything. The game is to blink everytime you see a post so from the car is looks like its going back and forth. The game is to count the cars passing you and the cars you pass to see if you won the race. The game is to try to look people in the eye when they talk to you.

Hi I'm Jube and I want to fall in love, and I can't get laid. Wait, hold that, yes I can. I'm into PUA and big parties with my friends. I'm so tried of this 'fake life', working at a little shop and doing education at uni. I'm an agnostic. I'm desperately in love, and it grows inside me like the best thing ever and it lifts me up and I never thought I'd get so high.

Hi, I'm INTP. I have some quirks. I put a LOT of pressure on myself, but I'm starting to realise that other people don't put the same pressure on me. I find it difficult to act in a socially optimal way, but I'm learning. And I'm not THAT fucking special. They share my name but they're not my people.

KONNICHI WA MINNA SAN, I am SENSEI and I'm here to teach you a lot of things. Some Japanese, sure, but also some silliness. You have a right to be happy. Other people don't live like us; and that's OK. Think about things and check your sources. No I don't hate you. No, I don't hate you.

Hi I'm Dingo. I'm a Discordian, and I'm busy finding God and finding self. A breakup is not the end of love, and I'm busy rewriting a history. I'm reading through the manuscript and working out pretty quickly that the author's an idiot. Seaching for love when he's steeped in it already. Filling a pad with invisible problems and issues. Falling into 'nice-guy' self pity, and the Nietzchian dead eyed antithesis. I'm studying zen by teaching hiragana, and I'm not in training any more. I can tie a knot. I can write a letter. I can write a book. I can build it up from nothing, but there is no nothing.

Hi. I'm the new guy. I'm editing Dingo's manuscript. Damn that guy's an idiot.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Placid Dingo on October 07, 2012, 02:17:15 PM
I'm also in love with everything I've read here.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 07, 2012, 03:13:03 PM
This thread is amazing! It's got a lot of power. Thanks, Roger, for starting it.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on October 07, 2012, 06:32:10 PM
Quote from: A Very Hairy Monkey In An Ill-Fitting Tunic on October 07, 2012, 03:13:03 PM
This thread is amazing! It's got a lot of power. Thanks, Roger, for starting it.

Agree. Pretty good for realizing something about yourself that you've never considered before (for example, that I am like a cartoon character)
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on October 07, 2012, 10:50:38 PM
Quote from: East Coast Hustle on October 06, 2012, 05:00:22 PM
I just did one and it sort of made me want to run into traffic. I think I'll pass. Good stuff ITT though.

Yeah, when I started writing mine it did that, so I scrapped it and did it different.
I know what's packed in those fucking boxes, I just don't see any sense in lingering over them like fucking love letters.

ETA: For me. Your mileage and boxes may vary.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on October 08, 2012, 12:22:00 AM
Quote from: A Very Hairy Monkey In An Ill-Fitting Tunic on October 06, 2012, 06:04:55 PM
Hi, I'm Brat. I spend most of my days in the woods or the water looking for food. I stay away from people, because people hurt me, especially men. Not the old man or Grandpa, though, they're kind. I used to go to school but I don't anymore because I'm trouble, and then we moved far away from home. I have a mama but I don't know where she is most of the time and I'm hungry, but I'm good at finding most of what I need, and the old man gives me venison and eggs sometimes. He reminds me of Grandpa, but I haven't seen Grandpa since we left the city. I'm small but I'm strong and I can dive for oysters and crabs or climb trees for apples and walnuts, and trap rabbits and steal things. I'm quick and I'm quiet... pssht! nobody sees me!

Hi, I'm Tiki. I live in the city and I work at a store in the mall. It took me a while to get used to things here, I was too strange and feral for the city at first, but now I have lots of friends and a boyfriend who doesn't like it when I drink. He isn't very nice to me but he says he loves me so I stay with him. He says that if I leave he'll start have to shooting up again. I like to drink when I'm with my friends, and I like to go out with my friends. Everyone says I'm cute, but I'm not so sure I like being cute. I can use it, though. I learn by watching people. People aren't very nice. I'm learning a lot. I'd like to go to college and learn more.

Hi, I'm Dolores. I am a divorced mom, a responsible person, and a homeowner. I work hard at my job and then hurry home to take care of my kids... I have two of them, and a little pink cottage with a big back yard. I love my house and my kids so much! I love my job, too, but I'm sad inside, and at the end of the night after I tuck the kids into bed I cry and write and drink myself to sleep. I used to have a husband but he didn't work and put me down all the time, and I finally had enough of his bullshit and kicked him out. Now I'm alone and I like it so much better, but there's something eating me inside that I can't seem to kill. My kids are the only thing keeping me alive. To distract myself, I live my life hard, as hard as I can. Maybe if I live it hard enough, the thing inside will go away.

Hi, I'm The Right Reverend Nigel. I am one of the angriest people you will ever meet in your life, and one of the meanest. I'm also one of the kindest people you'll meet in your life, and one of the most generous. I am passionate, I am on fire with whatever emotion I'm feeling in the moment. If that's anger, man, watch your back, and if it's sorrow, man, please watch mine because I can't stop this storm inside and it's tearing me apart, it's killing me. I'll laugh until I'm in pain or rage until there's blood on the ceiling or curl on the floor in fetal agony screaming, and good luck predicting which one will be next because there's no algorithm that works on me. I have three kids and a husband and a boyfriend and a lot of money and friends and a big house in a nice neighborhood, I am published, collected, and known as one of the best in the world at my particular art, and I am falling apart.

Hi, I'm Mayor Salt. I am a mom, a student, an artist, and a human services research assistant. I still live in that big house, but a lot of other things have changed. I'm on a mission to understand myself and the people around me. I don't cry like I used to, and I don't drink myself to sleep anymore. I still have three kids, the most brilliant, wonderful freaks I've ever met, and they're just getting used to me working outside of the house after nine years of being home all the time. They're getting big and independent, and soon it will be time for them to go off on their own. For now, I treasure the time I do get to spend with them, and we laugh together and say I love you a lot. I have three ex-husbands and one ex-boyfriend who still makes me sad when I think about him, I'm broke most of the time, behind on my mortgage about half the time, and my health isn't what it used to be, but I'm doing good things. I'm happier than I have ever been in my life, and I'm not looking back.

This is chilling in parts, Nigel. I read it and hopped on the bike a little while later to go across town for something, and it haunted me the whole time. Ouch.

Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 08, 2012, 01:52:47 AM
Quote from: A Very Hairy Monkey In An Ill-Fitting Tunic on October 07, 2012, 03:13:03 PM
This thread is amazing! It's got a lot of power. Thanks, Roger, for starting it.

No problem.  Anyone can be TGRR.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 08, 2012, 02:34:05 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on October 08, 2012, 12:22:00 AM

This is chilling in parts, Nigel. I read it and hopped on the bike a little while later to go across town for something, and it haunted me the whole time. Ouch.

Thanks, Stella! It's been a weird life.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 19, 2012, 10:13:58 PM
BAMP
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on October 20, 2012, 10:05:27 AM
Hi there, I'm the kid. I play up, I act out. If it was asnother time, another place they might call me ADHD or something but that hasn't been invented yet so really I'm just an annoying little fuck. I get beaten up a lot. My mom left with my sister. I blame myself, even though I'm too young to really know what that means. My dad beat the shit out me again today. I got in a fight at school to make me feel better.

Hi there, I'm the teenager. I make nihillists look like hippies. I got ambition. I want to sell my soul to the devil. I want to kill a man and get away with it. I want to be famous. I want to blow myself up. There's a frightened little kid inside me but he's locked up safe and sound. He can't hurt me. I can smell burning. Oh fuck, I think that's my mind going up in smoke.

Hi there, I'm the young man. I'm in hell. Not some metaphorical hell, like you woke up late and spilled coffee down your last clean shirt and you yell "I'm in hell" in a pathetic whiny little voice. No. I'm in actual hell. My mind's on fire. I can't see anything but shifting visions of bliss and terror, roiling out the smoke and flames. I don't know who I am. I think who I am might have burned away. It's comfortable here in hell. I'm not sure I want to leave. The outside scares me.

Hi there, I'm Cybin. I'm the guy who built himself from the burnt out ruins of the kid, the teenager and the young man. There wasn't much working to begin with, the fire wiped out most of it. All that was left was the lizard-like core that knows how to eat and how to draw it's fingers back from the flames. A few other bits and pieces, enough to shamble by whilst the reconstruction work went on in earnest.

Hi, I'm P3nT. I'm the finished result - a work in progress. I polished and tweaked and reinforced and pruned and nurtured and programmed and deleted. I'm still doing it. This thing is like a car, or a house. You can while away hours, days, weeks, months, years, just tinkering around, replacing broken bits with better bits, maintenance, restoration, upgrades, rewiring. You don't like something? Let me know. Maybe I agree with you. Stick around, I'll fix it but don't take that as a given. Maybe I'm aware of it. maybe I like it that way.

I never said I was building someone nice  :evil:
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: EK WAFFLR on October 22, 2012, 01:26:19 PM
Hi there, I'm a little boy who has just moved with his mom to her new boyfriend. I get to watch as the boyfriend beats the shit out of my mother every day, and who is lucky enough to be locked into closets for up to twelve hours when mommy's not around. I also get to witness when my mother finally gets enough and topples a large bookshelf over the boyfriend.

Hi there, I'm the new kid in a small town (pop:250) in rural Norway. It's one of those towns where you will be looked down upon if you're not native. I get my ass kicked every day by kids up to ten years older than me for eleven years.

Hi there, I'm a the new teenager in a small suburb of the nation's capital. For the first time in my life I meet people I can actually call good friends.
I'm the kind of teenager who deals with his father's death by being exceedingly clowny, and I think of sillier and sillier things to do to get people to laugh.

Hi there, I'm Slesk. I live in the capital, and  I dress like a used car salesman/carny, listen to black metal, Al Jolson and Irving Berlin. I have just broken up with my fiancée and I drink. A lot. Actually, I spend my entire student loan on booze in a month. I travel around the country as roadie and photographer for various black metal bands, who also drinks a lot. I am more or less constantly inebriated.

Hi there, I have moved out of the capital again, and live in a large house in a mining town. I am at an all-time low, barely managing to get out of the house to buy groceries. In a couple of months I will meet a girl who will help me get back on my feet, build me up, then she tries to break me back down with jealousy, trying to control every aspect of my life, down to and including who my friends are. this all ends when she stabs me in the stomach with a bread knife. I will later find out that she was constantly cheating on me.

Hi, I work in the porn industry, for a full six months. I try to rationalize what I do, telling myself sweet lies and Happy Hooker stories, but I can't keep up that facade for long. I don't sleep we'll at night, if at all.  Add to the misery of the women involved a healthy amount of dealings with Eastern European mafia. My boss tries to call out a hit on me for leaving, but ends up in jail, luckily. I've been emotionally numb since the incident with my knife wielding ex, but I'm starting to come out of that particular shell. I move in with my grandmother to, yet again, get back on my feet. This enables me to record and release music. I stay with my grandmother for almost three years.

Hi, I'm The Waffler. I am happy, even though I still suffer from the occasional severe depression. My music is going well, I have, the last year met so many new people who have grown to be my closest friends, people whom I'd take a fucking bullet for. I still can't sleep at night, but that's okay, too.

Hi there, I'm Marius. I am the product of all these things. I am at the moment mostly focusing on The Waffler's perspective, as that helps me get through the day better. I still drink a lot, but I rarely. Get drunk. I play my ukulele badly, and I am mostly content with my existence.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on October 22, 2012, 03:28:09 PM
Hi, my name's [REDACTED], I'm smart and I'm pretty and I like playing with the boys even though I always have to play April when we're Ninja Turtles. My dad works on computers and my mom just had another baby (there's three of us now). I invited everyone to my birthday party and we ruined the benches with our pretty shoes. My best friend is Adam, he's deaf. I'm too smart for my age, and I know it.

My name's the same but I'm older now, I read all the time and I don't know what's happening to me. I only have five friends, now. Melissa moved to a different school and now I'm the youngest person in my entire grade. Jessica dumped me when she made friends with the angry girl with two different colored eyes and short blond hair. She gets in fights with the teachers. I can make paper cranes smaller than a centimeter across, but they're not as valuable as the plastic jewels we pry out of the costume jewelry in the art room. I hate my teacher. She has short dark hair and made us learn about skunk cabbage and slugs and keeps a preserved puffer fish in the cabinet on top of the glass slides and it's not even in a container or anything. She makes us listen to Enya while we clean up. Emily is leaving the school because she gets bullied for being fat.

My name is [REDACTED], now, I got it from Garbage who insists that we call her something else now because her mother complained but it was only ever short for "Garbage Disposal" on account of her eating habits and not a judgment on her and I hate her mom's lesbian partner because she's got ugly tattoos and looks at me like she think's I'm garbage in that sense. I have three friends now. I write MOO! in tiny letters all over my sneakers and try to impress my chorus teacher with how RANDOM I am. I stalk a boy in school with blond hair and blue eyes. He plays soccer, and he lived in Germany when he was a kid. He dances with another girl and punches me so hard I have a bruise for a month. I don't know how to put this feeling away. I spend hours in chat rooms leading older men on and laughing at them for having the audacity to be attracted to me. I never use my name or give them pictures. I'm writing a novel and I'm terrified I won't finish it before I'm an adult and I change again. I don't want to grow up, ever.

I'm the Pretty Nerd on Campus, now. I lie all the time. The only clothes I've bought for myself are costumes, and I pretend to be different people at least two nights a week. I make out with all the guys. I'm crazy and I'm falling apart and I can't handle relationships or school or work and everything is on the brink of collapse for six months before I finally get a running start on the cliff and go over. My dad is in the emergency room crying. No one understands why this happened.

I am "The Crazy Pretty Girl Who Betrays Everyone" now. It looks like two squiggles, one sprouting a spiral on one side with a little circle floating underneath and a curly lightning bolt going through the middle. This was probably not the best name to take. When "Honored Gossiper" puts his hand down my pants while we're making out and I push him away because after everything that just went down I'm not ready for that yet, he decides I'm too crazy to date and will never kiss me again. I date his housemate. I want to be normal and healthy. My mom had me when she was 20.

I'm The Pregnant One now. Different boyfriend, we were together for a year before it happened. We let people think it was an accident. I'm six months in when we get married. We move in with the Gossiper, because he's lost his housemates and we can't stay in the neighborhood with the sex offender and the three bedroom apartment already housing five people. I can't handle being at home alone all day. I'm too far from the buses and I don't want to talk to the neighbors who are all a decade older than me and I'm barely eating anything and the house is freezing because he refuses to turn on the electric heat and I can't chop wood for the furnace while I'm holding a newborn. We have a falling out and he goes off on his own; our little nuclear family moves into a shoebox apartment.

I'm "The Crazy One Who Tries to Uphold Her Ideals" now, I think it's a much better name. I badger the husband into having a second kid, even though we can't afford the one. She needs a sibling. We argue about circumcision, and everything else. I'm not taking care of the house and things get kind of gross. The baby doesn't fix things. We're falling apart. I have support with the kids, now, and I'm not such a bad fucking mother anymore. I'm making things again. All I want is to go away, and for it not to be my fault somehow. I would rather be with anyone but him. It's not his fault.

Hi, I'm Kate. I yell at buildings and wear heels to hide my real height. I am suddenly competent. I meet someone with the same name as that blond boy from high school, but he doesn't hate me. We talk all the time. He's divorced, he has a daughter. He finds my real name. Everything is my fault, the divorce is quick. We take a stupid risk and move in together. He's the most amazing person I've ever met. I have a job now, something better than office monkey work. The kids are getting interesting.

I don't have a name anymore. I used to many, and now none of them stick. My identity is a fluid thing, shifting from one social situation to another. I have to introduce my friend from three names ago as "the guy who uses my real name and it's weird" to the folks who didn't realize I'd given them a fake name for months. I'm helping to change the world. I still don't know who that person is in the mirror.
Title: Re: Hi There
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 27, 2012, 05:28:25 AM
Wow... heavy stuff, you guys. But good. Goosebumps.