So how are you feeling today Mr. Sapien? Not good? Oh dear. Well then, tell me what's the matter. Don't worry, I'm a doctor. Hmm. I see. Life seems to be dragging you down, like your trying to swim with cement shoes. No one likes you, not even your own family. The world is full of shit, and you don't see a way to make it better. There's no point in trying to change things, as nothing will get any better. And now you've come to the Doctor for help.
But you see, that's your problem, my friend. You want someone else to pull your ass out of the fire, but that's not going to happen. You're an only child Mr. Sapien; you don't have any siblings to save you. And if you think Mother is going to save you, think again. You've taken her flesh and blood, and tried to replace it with your own excrement. Yes, I know that Father abandoned you early on, that even when he was there he never paid attention. It doesn't change the fact that the only person who can save you is you.
I knew what was wrong with you the moment you stepped into my office. Fat and sticky, yet with something about you that speaks of starvation. Filled to the brim with unattained ambitions and petty anger. So gullible that you'd walk off of a cliff if a suit told you too, yet so stupidly cynical that you've abandoned even basic compassion. Completely self serving and at the same time, distressingly self destructive. You're a sick man, Mr. Sapien. And it's your own fault.
You could have turned things around before they got to this stage. You could have helped yourself. But no, instead you just wallowed in filth as your soul atrophied. Really, how often have you bothered to question, to wonder, to think? Sure, you've had brief periods of brilliance, but these are nothing compared to what you could do if you bothered to try.
And now that things have degenerated to this degree, you've finally seen the light. But as always, you couldn't be bothered to do anything personally, and so now you've come to me. Well, there's only thing I can say, Mr. Sapien. Fuck you. You've earned all of this with your own apathy. You never said no, and you never made an effort. Now it's time to reap what you've sown. Just desserts and all that jazz.
Don't threaten, don't complain, don't say a single goddamn word. Just get out of my office.
And have a nice day.
So, any thoughts?
i thought it was pretty cool, the idea is good, but the way the Doctor was protrayed ruined the setting for me, he was too harsh and confrontational, when i sort of wanted him to be kindly telling you that you've completely fucked up your own life.
Last two lines are good, they've got a cool rhyme/rhythm to them
x
Okay. Fair enough. I wasn't sure whether I should go for gentle and fatherly or frank and harsh. I decided to go for frankness. I'll try the pity route next time maybe.
its not so much pity i was getting at, an its just a thought, its not right or wrong :P
but I think this could be really effective if it had some kinda horrifying juxtaposition with the tone it was written in, and the actual meaning.
True. And I know what you're getting at, I just seem to have phrased it wrong. But I think I'll try talking nicely next time. Thanks for the input. Sort of wondering whether this is all I'm going to get...
Anyone mind posting their thoughts?
i liked it, a bit too close to home though :P
Let me start off by saying I liked this. I think this writing style suits the message very well and you did a decent job. But...
1) You've limited the character significantly. Mr. Sapien seems to be a young( cusping into adulthood or having only entered the workforce in the last couple years), single male with no significant other or children. Was that what you were going for? If it is, then you're spot on. If you did that subconsciously you are unwittingly making him much more two dimensional than would be advised to get a reaction out of the vast majority of people. If you make him a bit less distinct, don't go overboard. Pick a target audience and write for them. Young, single men make fine targets :wink: so you don't really need to change this.
2) If you do decide to write another draft and you want a radical change in Mr. Sapien I'd suggest making the doctor clinical, apathetic. Reasons:
A) I feel, in this type of situation being harsh would only serve as something he could rationalize and give him someone to project his apathy onto. His response would be, "God, this asshole doctor! WTF? He thinks he knows me! He doesn't know shit! He just doesn't give a damn and wanted me out of his office"- That was weak but you get what I'm saying.
See? No change in his actions. Just more fuel for his fire. This could serve the purpose if you illustrate what happens to him when he continues down his apathetic path in another paragraph . Or the doctor has planted a seed in him and you develop it further that way, Mr. Sapien slowly mending his ways. I, personally, hate when people go this route. It takes more time to read and you've lost all the fire.
B) Just a warning: I'm going to explain this one very poorly. If you make the doctor gentle, like a father figure, you're giving the reader a comforting character. You don't want to do that. By giving them a comforting and reliable character you are telling them it's alright to change slowly. By doing that you've basically negated all of your work. It's just human nature. A person will hear what a kindly person says and they might start following their advice but because they had that original support there when they were doing it wrong they feel they can continue doing it wrong and still have that support there. Does that make sense? And eventually, either because being apathetic is easier or just because they are used to it, they will slip right back into their old apathy.
C) A apathetic person that is clinically shown their mistakes and then calmly dismissed out of apathy is more likely to see what they are doing to themselves. You want the realization quickly followed by a feeling of loneliness. Prey on people's fears.
I hope that at least gave you something to think about even if you don't use it. It's fine like it is but you seemed like you wanted something different. :)
Mostly I just wanted people's reactions. As for the things you pointed out, I did intend Mr. Sapien to be a young man as that's where I think we are as a species. Young and Numb. The whole point of this was to explain one of the things that I think is wrong with humanity in a fun way. I decided to make the doctor harsh out of frankness. I'm going to experiment with his demeanor as I go.
But thanks for the input, I'll definitely keep it in mind.
I'm going to give this one last bump. If it doesn't prove to be self-sustaining at all then I'll just let it die. Fair enough.
What do you want to demonstrate, James?
Are you content with the doctor's words being your words as the author?
Ya. I just keep hoping that this'll spark some kind of discussion. I like this rant more than some of the others I've done recently, and hoped to get people talking.
I guess we're all just apathetic.
Personally, I'm not a fan of stories in the Second Person. I know, this coming from the "Welcome To Prison" guy. But still.
I'm not either. It just seemed to be how the rant came out.
To me its just a Doctor bashing on Mr. Sapien.
The family part seems very projectative.
It is ambiguous metaphors for the most part, and at least for me, your keeping of ambiguity makes it a bit dull.
Hmm. Fair enough. Sorry you didn't like it. I kept the ambiguity because I was trying to not be obvious about my point.
While it's clear that the Doctor and the patient are part of the same thought process if not the same person, what is not clear is the way out. There's the line that you have to save yourself, but also the sense that it's too late.
So I'm getting that this piece needs discussion (or elaboration) in order to be complete, since it doesn't present the reader with a way out.
Even do the aim of your tone seems to be a different one, id recommend you read up on Sepia's works.
Im not that good at stylistics per se, my thing is more concept.
Perhaps:
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=23103.msg784540#msg784540 (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=23103.msg784540#msg784540)
I've read most of Sepia' stuff. It's what inspired me to do this piece. I usually write either straight fiction or a rant where I just state my idea. I think I'll need more practice in this type of writing.